I first found out about my wife's affair about 7 months ago (it started about 10 months ago). At the time I believed her that "they were just friends", I know that is typical. I then stumbled along finding more evidence along the way but foolishly talking to her about it as I went. This went on for many months, her saying it was over, me finding some new contact after a few weeks. Even under the most obvious circumstances I would come to believe her that "they were just friends", even though in my heart I knew. At times it felt like we were growing close again and really learning to enjoy each other again. I was working hard on providing for her EM, I was working with a counselor to be a better person, we were going to marriage counseling. Through the summer we had a really good time together and things were really feeling good again, my anxiety was reducing, I thought we had a chance. Then at the end of the summer by chance I caught them together again. Scared I would leave she finally told me the truth and I couldn't hide from it anymore. She promised me should would do everything to make it up to me and promised she would never contact him again. The last couple of months has been nerve racking and my anxiety has again skyrocketed. I had not seen any indication she was contacting him but I suspected she could be calling him from work. Since she no longer used her cell phone to contact him I had no way to know. Then this last week she went away to a conference and after going out drinking, texted him all night long and sent him explicit photos of herself.

This was devastating after all of this time and I finally asked her to move out. She was very upset and cried all day. She says she does not want to leave the marriage but so far has not been able to sever contact. I have no idea if I am doing the right thing or not. Even after all of this I love her and we are all devastated (me, her, kids). I did not follow plan A as described here, I didn't really know what that was at the time. I have told lots of family and friends about it but not all at once. I have done my best to meet her emotional needs but I have also been needy and weak. I am not even following Plan B correctly yet but I am not sure if that is what I should be doing. I have read lots of books, threads on this site and others. I know you guys all advocate a pretty harsh exposure, but that's not what I did. So here I am and I am and I am not sure how to proceed from here. Right now I am trying to get to a stronger place where I can see a future without her, but that's not what I really want. Anyways fire away, I am sure I will be just as stubborn as all other WS in this situation but I will do my best.
By the way we have been married for 18 years and have 2 kids.

LLL, I am so sorry you find yourself here. You have come to the right place.

Who is the OM? Is he married? Do they work together?

Which family members? And have they spoken to your wife about her affair? Have you told your children the truth about her affair and why she is gone?

Welcome to Marriage Builders, 3L. I'm sorry your circumstances have led you to us, but you've come to the right place. I think you can kill this A, but you're going to have to get in the saddle, here.

A few questions:
Who is the OM? How did they meet? Is he married? Do they work together?

If she is unable to end the affair on her own, you'll have to help her. To whom did you expose the affair? Anyone on OM's side? Their employer if they work together? Tell us about your exposure attempt.

Put a keylogger on her computer WITHOUT HER KNOWLEDGE.

Have you been tested for STDs? Please do so.

Do not tell her about this site right now. You don't want her to see the tools on here or she'll be able to dodge your snooping attempts.

The OM is no longer married, he left his wife about 2 years ago after she had an affair...he is just spreading the love around.

They met through my youngest sons sports team, and made the first emotional connection during during an out of town tournament and it progressed from there, and then the PA started at another out of town tournament. The affair really bloomed shortly after that and probably peaked when I was out of town for 3 weeks on a business trip. She would see him on her way home from work last year since his house and job were on her way home. She is now at a different location and it would be much harder for her to stop after work. Although now that she is no longer at home she could see him anytime I guess.

His son is not on my son's sports team this year and she no longer goes to practices alone but we live in a small town and I see him regularly. She hasn't had much (if any) opportunity to see him in the last couple of months due to change of jobs and some effort on her part to let me know where she is most of the time but they have been continuing contact over the phone from work. She says they have not seen each other, except the one time I was with her when we saw him.

So she left the house? Where is your son? I'm confused: she's out of the house, but is contacting you to let you know what she's doing?

So as I mentioned in my initial post I exposed the affair to people over a long period of time. The OM threatened me at one time if I kept spreading "rumors" around town. I guess this should have been a clue at the time...duh. Her family knows although she was the one to tell them. Her mother wasn't much help and really was instrumental in making her thing it was ok since "it was a logical result of our marriage situation". Her sister who is very close to her has been telling her to stand up for herself and not to be co-dependant. My family all knows and have been pretty devastated because they loved her like a daughter but they have also pretty much stayed out of it. I have told most of our mutual friends and I think most of her close friends know. Today I sent an email to his ex-wife but she is the only friend/family of his I know of. My wife would probably know his friends but I am not sure that would be much help. I have been trying to think of other people to expose to but there are not too many.

One big thing that happened today is she told people at her work. She told the secretary not to accept any more calls for her and that she had been having an affair and wanted to stop. Her boss called me today to tell me that she had been crying all day and they were going to find her a place to stay with one of her co-workers so I think she has exposed it to people at work.

I have email and account information for all of her accounts that I know of. Since she is no longer at home there is not much use for a keylogger, I don't think she is that technically savvy anyway.

As for snooping attempts, I have made all of the mistakes, I have told her along the way about all of the ways I was keeping track of her so she has learned to avoid those things. She no longer uses her cell phone to text or call him (other then when she was drunk the other night). She knows I track her car so she stopped driving to meet him but she learned to park her car at work or some safe place and have him pick her up. She even walked from home one day and had him pick her up some distance away from the house. She used to use the phone at work to call him so I can't track those calls. As I said I have made every mistake in the book as far as snooping goes. Since she is no longer at home I don't think I have any right to snoop anymore anyway.

I have given her some of the articles from the marriage builders site when she was in the mood for trying to save her marriage, so she could find this site quite easily I think.

When she left last night, she went to an AA meeting. She has had trouble with alcohol for a long time drinks a couple of glasses of wine a night and has had trouble with binge drinking when she is goes out. This used to happen very rarely but has increasingly become a problem over the last year or so. Her drinking probably contributed to lowering her defences when she first made an emotional connection at the sports tournament, adult in the evening party. It also contributed to when the affair went physical.

I asked her to leave when I found out she had contacted him last Friday night. This was not her choice she didn't want to leave and was making all sorts of promises to bring back the passion to our marriage. She said she had an epiphany the morning after and realized how much she wanted the marriage but I have heard most of this the last time (2 months ago) and her conviction only lasted 2 weeks. She has promised many times to stop all contact with the OP and has continued so I felt I had no choice. I don't know if that was the right choice but I felt I had been too weak through it all and it was time to try something different. My boys are at school during the day and are old enough to be at home after school until I get home. Initially we had planned to have my wife come home after her work to be with the kids until I got home but apparently today she was too distraught to work and could not face coming home to see the kids.

All close family members on both sides know about the affair. I have told the children the truth about the affair and why she has gone. She also told them that she had "hurt daddy" and had to leave for awhile.

Can you locate his parents and ask them to persuade their son to stop seeing a married mother? Can you explain to them that he is destroying a family by his actions?

If she told you this I would verify it with a third, disinterested party. Waywards are pretty good at lying. Her tears may have been the result of a spat between her and her affair partner.

Did you make sure her employer knows she's having an affair and is in the process of destroying her family? Employers frequently have trouble with immoral employees. She's a wayward. She won't be using those accounts. She'll have made up a new one that you don't have access to.
Can you verify this? Did you see her there? Don't take her word for this.

Where is she staying? WHERE IS YOUR SON?

She left the house only because I asked her to. I'm not sure if that was the right thing to do but I felt I had to finally get a backbone. She is contacting me because she does not want to lose our marriage and is trying to tell me how much she loves me and trying to show me how much she is trying. I asked her to stop chatting with me because I needed the space to get over her, I don't know what I am doing.

Her boss contacted me this afternoon to tell me she couldn't make it home to be with the kids this afternoon because she was too distraught. He sounded very concerned for her, he just wanted to let me know where she was going to stay and let me know that I would need to make other arrangements for our kids. This was very much a surprise to me because I hadn't realized at that point that she had exposed it to so many people at her work today. This is far more then she has done in the past but I am have been bitten so many times before I don't know if this means anything more then previous attempts to end it.

ok, this is much more complicated than I expected. If she is an alcoholic, then the first issue to address is her drinking. And of course, you can't fix that for her. As long as she continues to drink, she will continue to be out of control.

This might sound extreme, but please believe me that it is going to take extraordinary measures to overcome this. The first major problem is that you live in a small town so everytime she sees him she will be triggered. That means you are facing an on again, off again affair for YEARS unless you move.

Dr Harley would tell you to move out of that town. Sell your house and move away. And if she straightens up, she can follow you. But if you remain there, everytime she sees him will put her back to day 1 of recovery. She will be perpetually triggered. And so will you. Every day she leaves the house will be hell for you. Recovery is absolutely impossible.

Not only will your paths continually cross, but your kids may play on the same teams. It is likely they go to the same schools. That will never work.

In short, the only way you are ever going to recover is if you move to another town. Recovery is IMPOSSIBLE as long as she continues to bump into him.

here

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...


Her drinking will have to stop too. You don't have a marriage until she sobers up. She shouldn't be drinking and she shouldn't be going out drinking.

My suggestion would be to go into Plan B. Put your house on the market and start making arrangements to move to another town. You might have to consult an attorney and file for divorce in order to move away, but that is your only hope of saving this. Your situation is a little different in that one of the main conditions to allow her back would be that she has to stop drinking for life and get treatment for her alcoholism. That is the only way your marriage will recover.

Plan B is a complete and totally dark separation where she is not allowed to contact you at all. All child visitations would have to be arranged via a designated intermediary. The separation would begin by sending her a love letter that gives her the path back. In it you would tell her a) you love her, b) you can't be in contact with her because of her alcoholism and her affair and c) you will only consider reconcilation if she quits drinking for life, moves away with you, and ends contact for life with the OM.

We can help you through all of this. I am sorry I can't be more positive, but your situation is so problematic that is going to take a major endeavor to work through this.

Also, have your children been told the full truth about her affair? If not, I would set them down tonight and tell them everything. They need to know why and WHO. The OM is the enemy of their family and they have a right to know.

Just want you to understand that talk is cheap with an alcoholic/wayward. Her words mean nothing. Only actions matter. What will matter are ACTIONS, such as moving away and stopping drinking. That is your only hope. The fact that she is crying at work only means she is crying because she is having to face consequences. Doesn't mean she will actually change.

And I tell you this as a recovering alcoholic with 26 years sobriety. Talk is meaningless with a practicing alcoholic.

I'm going to ask this again, because for some reason you haven't responded: where has your WW been living? WHERE ARE YOUR CHILDREN LIVING? With you, or with her?

It sounds like her employer doesn't know what is going on. Why don't you give him a call tomorrow and fill him in on everything?

If you don't know what you want, why did you tell your WW that you needed 'space' to get over her?

I have more to offer, but I need to know where she has been living since she left the house. And I need to know what the story is with your kids.

I want to assure you that you did the right thing. Will she stop drinking for life and enter a treatment program? Will she agree to sell the house and move away? Will she agree to affair proof your marriage and participate in a program of recovery?

If she does those things - not just makes empty promises - then you have a chance.

She is probably out getting drunk. And might very well be with the OM.

I can try. This may have serious repercussions for me personally since he seems to be the type to retaliate. I guess it is worth a try.

She cc'd me on the email to the secretary. I know that this was not spoofed, since I was able to verify it in another way. She cried for two days (I didn't make her leave until Sunday night), I don't think this was a result of a spat, but I guess anything is possible. I know he texted her a bunch of times on Saturday and she didn't respond except once, which I think was to say stop texting me. She also smashed her cell phone and took an axe to it so not so I guess she will not be getting anymore texts on that phone.

I don't recall exactly what her boss told me on the phone and I didn't mention it, I know this was stupid but at the time it seemed obvious he knew what was going on.

Her employer is the government and from the sounds of it her boss and at least some co-workers know about the affair. I think their main concern will be for my wifes well being at this point since they are all pretty close at her work.

Yes this is possible but if she is using her computer at work I can't check that. I have checked the computers at home and I don't think she is using any other accounts but if she does come home I will install a keylogger to make sure.

There may be a way to verify this since she was supposed to get a call from a sponser this afternoon. I can check the messages and call display for that. I didn't bother to check on her last night since i had asked her to leave and was trying to get away from the anxiety and stress of always checking up on her.

She stayed at a girlfriends house last night. According to her boss she will be staying with a co-worker tonight, he gave me her name and number.

My sons were with their aunt this afternoon and are at home now.

LLL,

The OM is no longer married, he left his wife about 2 years ago after she had an affair..

BTW this may just be a lie the OM told to your W to get into her pants, this is why you need to contact the OMW and get her story.

With luck OMW might tell you about other affairs OM had or is still having for that matter, hopefully if your W learns that her cheater is cheating on her too, it will snap her out of it.

Try www.VEROMI.com type in his name the city and the state, it will also show possible relatives. You must expose OM he is attacking your family right now.

Where does OM work? Expose there too. DO NOT WARN OM or THREATEN HIM, make the exposure sudden and complete.

God Bless
Gamma

Okay, 3L, let me see if I've got this straight: you just told WW to leave yesterday. At this point you have been led to believe that she is staying with a female co-worker. How about this:

Tell her you would like to meet her for coffee tomorrow after work.

When you meet, tell her that you would like to recover the M, but you can't do that as long as OM is in the picture. Ask her if she is willing to end all contact with him FOR LIFE. If she answer is yes, give her your list of requirements for her return to the marriage:

She writes a No Contact letter.
She changes her cell phone number and blocks OM's number.
She gives you access to all of her accounts - all email passwords (home and work), etc.
You will monitor her cell phone use.
No nights apart.
She agrees to disclose as much about the affair as YOU wish to hear.
Polygraph if you aren't 100% sure that she has disclosed everything to your satisfaction.
She gets tested for STDs.
She accounts for ALL of her time.
She agrees to spend her non-work time with you. No nights out with friends, etc.
No more alcohol if she abuses it.
She agrees to use MB materials to recover the M with you.

Add others that you feel are pertinent. Meanwhile, get a keylogger on your home computer. Be ready to put one on her laptop. I would also suggest you get spyware on her phone. DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE DOING THIS.

If she balks at any of this, tell her that these are your terms. She can let you know if she changes her mind. Then leave.

Be ready to go to Plan B. Be ready to file for divorce. DO NOT LET HER TAKE THE KIDS OUT OF THEIR HOME. Tell her you'll think about scheduling a visitation schedule for them.

I had all this info for my wife when she was having an affair as well. Phone passwords, etc.. I too thought she wasn't technically savvy. Then I found out it didn't matter. He OM Googled how to change the settings in her phone to show there were no unread text messages and not save the sent ones. Erase her tracks on the phone. He also set up another email account for her so she could email him from work while they were apart. Don't bet on the fact she is not technically savvy as a reason for not keylogging.


CV