That is really scary and your wife should be scared to read this. What is to stop you from cheating again next month if you find you don't "love her with all your soul" next month? Feelings of love ebb and flow, so what is her protection?

You are a serial cheater, pal, and are no prize for her. If you expect to keep anything around other than a skank, you had better give a better guarantee than that.

Have you thought about that?

I certainly hope you didn't try to reassure your BW with this.

Planes, trains, automobiles. They'll all get you there. Or get her here.

Unfortunately, I work for the government and they can't block any sites specifically for me. There are also security issues where I can't install any keyloggers or video monitoring or anything like that. And quitting my job would mean giving up our ability to live where we live. Plus, what white collar job for an engineer / MBA wouldn't involve computers?

Yes, I quit my facebook in her presence. But she recognizes that all it takes to get another one is an email. there IS no solution to this with certainty, except taking a polygraph which is always how the discussion ends.

I'm not tempted at the gym. I'm fat and bald so it's not like i'm going to pick some girl up. And she WANTS me to go to the gym. she encourages me to. I have been sick and two nights ago it was her that got me off my [censored] to go.

i guess what I mean to say is I did it despite loving her with all my soul. I'm trying to figure it out as to why i did it. I hate to say it's as simple as my EN's not being met because that implies she's partly to blame and I don't want to blame her for my awful decisions.

What will stop me cheating next month is a combination of many things - 1. My newfound faith 2. My desire to be the man I need to be 3. My absolute clarity that I want to die holding my wife's hand...

I still dont think we have all the info. You broke off a PA when she found out about the "attempt" via facebook.

Then you say that the other person is across the country and you would never see her.

I'm getting that the across the county is the 'attempt" and there is someone around you broke it off with.

If I'm finding holes in your story,,,you better bet your wife is.

The fact that she is calling the gym to verify your whereabouts is enough reason to stop. And of course you can be tempted at the gym. Just the fact that you don't seem to recognize it makes you dangerous. That is like the drunk driver who swears he is great driver. You have inappropriate boundaries with women, and if there are women at the gym, you can be tempted.

Part of the problem is that you don't seem to understand what constitutes risk and what doesn't.

If I were in your shoes, I would develop a PLAN to affair proof your marriage and go to her on bended knee with that plan. But all I see here are excuses why you can't do something. We are trying to help you but there is nothing we can do if you don't listen and pay attention.

You are a serial cheater, my friend. In order to recover your marriage you are going to have to take EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to change yourself.


But you could get a job without security clearance where your wife could access your email. Why not put that energy towards finding solutions to affair proof your marriage instead of excuses why you can't? Your job is not more important than your marriage. Your job needs to accommodate your marriage, not the other way around.

What a load of crap. You cheated for one reason and one reason only: you have inappropriate boundaries around women.

And you don't know what will stop you from cheating. You don't have the slightest idea as evidenced by this post. No amount of "faith" will stop you. We have PASTORS on this website who cheated. They have great faith and it did not stop them. Nor will your "desire to be the man I need to be" stop you. It didn't stop you before and won't stop you now.

And "your absolute clarity that you want to die holding your wife's hand......" sounds real cute and dramatic but will do nothing to stop you from cheating.

Here is what will stop you from cheating: EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS. That means changing your life in such a way that you CAN'T cheat anymore. Creating such a transparent lifestyle that it would be impossible. Giving your wife access to everything, email accounts, computers, cell phones, etc. Never spending the night apart again, becoming racically honest. Grand drama queen professments will not change your marriage.

+1

OK thanks a ton everybody... I'll make the EP's my focus for now.

Clarification on the affair / online thing: BOTH were women on the other side of the country.

The online thing was an inappropriate messaging back and forth with a divorced former friend of ours from the last place we lived. Erotic story, flirty talk, et cetera. My wife found it and colluded with the woman to catch me saying that I would meet her.

The actual affair was over the four months prior to that during a series of business trips. That was with my former HS girlfriend. I ended that affair at that time.

EDIT2: I have to add that there was another online-only thing a few months ago where I played with fire again. That could have led to another affair but this all came out before it had the chance to go anywhere. That was another former HS friend a couple states away.

Again, inappropriate boundaries with women. It doesn't matter if they were "on the other side of the country." An affair is an affair. Your wife AND YOU both know you would have hooked up with them if the opportunity presented itself.

You maintained a friendship with a former lover: INAPPROPRIATE. You traveled for business without your wife: INAPPROPRIATE.

Until you have a plan to develop APPROPRIATE boundaries with women, your wife is not safe with you.

hmmmmmmmmm could this be a clue??

Yes, i already canceled two business trips coming up - she was going to come with me on the second before this all came out now she doesn't want to go with me so I canceled that. I could never go on any more trips without her. I understand that.

Thats a good start. But what about the future?

Can you send her here to speak to us?

Sounds like you can't handle "online". Get rid of "online".

If you have unlimited cell phone minutes cell phone to cell phone...then you could callher from work and keep the line open all day.

Are you allowed to bring your personal laptop to work and set it up in your office? You could set up ichat accounts on yours and her computer...establish a link each morning and she can watch you all day in your office and on your computer at work if she likes and no one there would even know it if HER microphone and your speakers were muted and your screen dimmed. She can listen in and/or peek in if she wants at anytime she feels like it.

Just thinking outside the box...which is what YOU should be doing. Find creative ways to DEMONSTRATE your trustworthiness by ACTIONS...not words.

Mr. W

+1

Please read up on the Policy of Radical Honesty.

Start being 100% open and honest, not only with your BW but with posters who are trying to help you.

Not only is radical honesty integral to marriage building but it is essential for recovery and also for affair-proofing your marriage.

Please don't play word games like "attemtped affair" and "real" infidelities.

The fact that you trickle truthed us already makes me doubt we have the full story. Please list out all the indiscretions, time frames, regardless of whether you would label it an "affair" or not and whether or not your BW knows about it. Please do it in chronological order and give details about what happened (how it started, ended, how long) and please be honest.

S96,

One of the things that made me nuts was that my husband was dishonest for so long and dragged out telling me the truth over months and months.

You need to open up and answer any questions she has.


Also, you must be ready to understand that she may go back and forth with what she wants. One day she may be convinced she wants you out; the next day she will want you to stay. This is normal. She needs time to know what she wants, and to see IF you are able to make permanent changes.

Both of you need time to figure out what happened in your marriage that set the stage for these affairs to happen.

YOU need to understand why you felt entitled to do this, why you felt it was okay to betray your vows, and why you thought there were no boundaries for you.


Meanwhile, you need to begin this process by writing letters of NO CONTACT to these other women. Look for examples in the threads here; write the letters, have your wife approve them, and have your wife send them.

That will show your wife that your intent is to never contact any of the women you have had affairs with EVER AGAIN.

You cannot have these women in your life - ever - if you expect any recovery of your marriage. You can't look at their FB, you can't email them, you can't call them, you can't ask anyone else how they are doing. No contact. Ever. They are gone, out of your life, as though they have vaporized. And if any of them ever try to contact you.......your FIRST action after that is to show the contact to your wife, or tell her about it.

You do not reply. You tell your wife.



That is where you start.


Then, you expose these affairs to your family and friends. YOU tell on yourself, and let everyone know what you have done. Tell them that you want to save the marriage, to support YOUR WIFE, to help YOUR WIFE, and that you need to make changes in your own behavior - and that you need them to help you do it.


Ask for support in becoming a better man.


Then apologize to EVERY SINGLE PERSON YOU LIED TO. Because the entire time you were cheating on your wife, you were lying to everyone.

You owe everyone an apology.


Start with your wife. Then your family, her family, and your friends.


You will be broken when you are done. Only then can you begin to rise.


SB

The future will be either she comes with me or I don't go, period.

Would it be healthy/okay/proper to have BOTH of us on the forum? I have no credibility with her right now so she would just think this is a big fraud. Plus, anything she might read in the middle of my process to figure out why I did this to her may be unproductive. I definitely don't have anything to hide.


Already done.


Thanks for the suggestions, but there is no out-of-the-box for where I work. I can't have any kind of monitoring system or secret hidden video or keyloggers or even a cell phone in my building. I have racked my brain but the choices are 1. break the rules and risk my job 2. do polygraphs for a time or 3. quit my job and move somewhere else in the worst economy since the great depression.
I haven't been intentionally holding back, just trying to give you the short version. I'll work on the TL;DR version and lay it all out in the near future.

I have read the article on radical honesty and I am 100% fully on board with it. In fact, I had already decided before I found the site that that was going to be the law of my life going forward. It takes time to unwind years of lies and I'm doing it as best I can.

I didn't mean to play any word games. I don't mean to minimize the hurtfulness/wrongness of searching for another affair, I just meant to distinguish between the full blown sexual affair and the other one.

@SB: Too much to quote, but thanks for all your advice - I am already at work on some of it and will be at work very soon on the rest of it.