I'm confused, its a work thing but he planned it?

You need to give him a list of the things that would make you happy so he can make the right choices. Have you dont the RC worksheet yet? HPB had told him you needed to.

I emphasized the part of your post that is the entire point to the day.

Have the two of you discussed possible activities for your recreational time? Make a list of things you would like to do. JB can make a list of his own. Merge those lists, tossing out the things you're not both in agreement on. Both of you can refer to that list when you're making plans for UA time.

you are right he did not plan it, work gave him the tickets for a work event. but i will go, if the tickets were outside, since it now snowing, yes snowing in october, i would rank it as a -3. but we will be inside so i am happy with it.

we did the inventory this AM, and have a list. he likes to do things that are athletic (i am not) so we have some challenges there.

we were going to do some home improvement today, but snow delays this. I think backup are necessary.

i will ask if he want to anything in paticular, if not the planner in me will suggest something. I hate wasting saturdays and look back and say what did we do..

tst & SMB- just finished reading both of your threads, wow. tst- thank you for posting to my H. I think you can help him. SMB- any advice from you would be very helpful.

when do the thoughts of "when is the next bus gonna hit me" stop creeping in.

chickadee, if you check her history you'll notice that SMB hasn't posted for quite a while, and my postings have been very minimal for a while as well..... Our lives have been very busy this past year.

As you may have noticed in our thread, we homeschool five children and one of those was just added to our family in March of this year, through a foreign adoption from China.

In answer to your question, "when do the thoughts of "when is the next bus gonna hit me" stop creeping in." Since she's not on here, I'll share a few thougts I'm well aware of.

It's now four years and counting since the beginning of our recovery and regretfully, this question still creeps in for her.... We spent this past Wednesday out together for the evening and the entire time out was spent discussing an event, about my sister, that triggered her terribly.... My sisters H was just caught in another affair... And my wife went to her home to install a keylogger for her... Talk about some multiple triggers! Not to mention she still has some deep hurts caused by my sister during my A.

Believe it or not, our evening still went well. Some of our discussions were very emotional, tears and all,,,, but today we draw nearer to each other when these discussions about my adultery must occur. I'm greatful that she is still willing to risk sharing her hurts and fears with me...

From our discussion Wednesday, she shared, again, that it's hard to not be thinking that she is going to get hit by this bus again..... What gets her through these times? It's all the good memories Pre-A and all the work I've done with her building more good memories Post-A.

I'll try to see if she will stop in and post to you personally....

I noticed the short stop in posting- but i can see you had some posters that were being disruptive- that would make me stop.

Congratulations to you and SMB on your new addition!! what a challenge that process must have been but i am sure it has brought you both even closer. I have a tremendous amount of respect for people that adopt for many reasons ( not that i am adopted). I just think it a Courageous, thought-out journey to consciously take. - and you have 5 already!

i do think its difficult that there is no family to "bind" us.

well 4 years, that doesnt make me feel too great, but it has lessened, i keep trying to move forward, but looking both ways while crossing the street.- i think bc i had like 3 ddays it doesnt help.

oh family- we have had not much family support at all, the dropped us like the plague. I did have a discussion with my cousin and shared that i was sorry we closed down but it was much worse than she knew ( so i told her). Her mom, my aunt called but didnt leave a message.... cousin said, nobody wants to bother you... (my small family lost the glue when my mom died,almost 2 yrs ago).

his family... please... he has shown more emotions and feelings since he has been on this site than they have showed anyone in the past 20+ years i have known them. (and you can see how hard its for him to do)

As for his sisters- i think they have their own demons that hit to close to home...

I struggle with what makes it click in H mind, why now?? he lives like that for so long- why would it change now? and things like, what happened if H died in an accident- and then i found out.... just bad thoughts.


I would love to hear from SMB but i understand you have you hands full.

thank you again!!! and again.

He doesn't just mean on that thread, chickadee.

If you click a poster's name (it's a link), you get a list of all their posts, not just the posts to one thread. You can see their posting history. SMB seems to have been a bit busy with her new daughter this year!

BTW, I will post to your H again when he writes more, but I also want to let HPB lead him. He can help him more than I.

Poor HPB he is home schooling his children and providing online training to our FWHs. He seems very patient and kind.

i did notice that they dont post much and i am shocked that we are lucky enough to have tst post with his busy life, bc i think his experience is so valuable to us. my H understands how lucky he is to have the best post to him. when he told me i just said wow, you are lucky to get the posters you are.


this is not to say that i am not gateful for everyone here on my thread, i would not be here in this spot with out you all, everyone need different things and i think you all see that and step in when needed. maybe someday i will be able to do that, i just have to figure out this typing thing and life.

sugar, you can kick his but i think he needs a challenge.

Ladies, I appreciate the kind words, but it really is my beautiful bride that does all the hard work....

She is the one responsible for teaching our children all day, while I go to work... I do offer some support, but trust me when I say, she holds the strength and the wisdom that keeps it all going with our family.... I'm truly blessed!

If you search sexymamabear's name, you'll see she has only shown up about 30 posts in the past year... but she said she might try to stop in soon...

Hi Chick,

I finally read your entire thread last night. I was shocked by the similariies in our stories....we could be married to the same man!

My FWH cheated for 5 1/2 years.
3 OW sex
1 OW OS
1 OW attempted sex, he was too drunk
3 OW kissing
and about 10 other EA via phone (bar ho's)

I believe that is it, I haven't looked at the spread sheet in a long while. Total OW involved were 17-18

I read that you struggle with triggers. I do also. I am further out in recovery than you, but I still suffer. I think becuase there are SO MANY triggers out there becuase of SO MANY OW.... towns, names, holidays, dates, ect... it is very difficult to deal with.

I don't get AS upset with the triggers as before(they are still there), I rarely cry about them. It's more anger, and the WHY do I have to deal with this? I'm not the one who set off this atomic bomb.

You are still fairly fresh in the fight. I remember the first year being terrible! I was on the fence as to whether I even wanted to stay married for over a year.

Looking back at the first year......the second does get better.

My FWH is a lot like yours. He has done everything I've asked. Yet, we have still had bumps (me getting suspicous, triggered, H not being OH,ect..). They are getting few and farther between, but they are still there. We are making progress daily! We have learned so much about each other and what we did wrong Pre-A.

I've read here many times that recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. You sound a lot like me, I want it all fixed now and to be done with it. unfortunetly that is not how it goes.

I can completely relate to the "bus" analogy. I actually used that many times with my FWH. It's been a while since I have even thought about "getting hit" again. I guess that is a good sign! There is hope!

Your FWH seems to be doing a great job. kuddos to you both!

Jerky boy- dont read.. really. really


lgtex

thank you. gosh i hope we are not married to the same man, that would be the next bus.... kidding. i have read your posts also.

its alot to digest without getting mad.

i appreciate you posting it means alot to me. the whole thing just makes me want to puke,.

the no names and the crazys ows i can deal but we still have baby moma that i really may never get over. theres always reason to contact theres always a link.........

i gave my world to help my H understand the impact of his actions with his S (he had no contact till we met). i was the one at 18 who said if you have nothing to do with ur son, i want nothing to do with you, to have it all thown in my face is hard. i have had no children of my own bc of this. we were a team dealing with a past situation. ( uggh throw up again i said it)

we will see, its always been a struggle for me. but i accepted DSS with a loving heart ( and i adore him), just didnt know Moma came with the package i was thrilled when she married her "partner" to bad she plays for both teams.

so all the floozes i dont care about ( thats the icing on the cake) its the other I am working thru, bc it will NEVER be over it hasnt in 26 years whats different now.

so the triggers dont help.

He is trying very hard i do know that, but changing 23 years of our lives is hard.


wow i was a downer, sorry.

chickadee, I hope you don't mind my asking, but could you please help out with Amalynn in SaA?

She has recently discovered the extent of her H's serial cheating too, and she is at a loss to know how she can be sure he is following EPs.

It's just that, I know you spoke personally to Dr Harley and the radio show. I did hear the show, but I have no idea how to link the segment (or even how to find it).

Could you tell Amalynn what Dr Harley told you, about knowing what your H is doing at all times? I'd be so grateful.

Thank you.

wow thanks for asking i have been watching them.

uggh i hope nobody heard the show but alls good, it was on may 13th or so i will look.

i will look, and reach out i wished they never call dee on the radio amalynn and i have more in common

ok, that gave me a laugh.....a year ago, that would not have been funny!



yes, that stinks! I would not hesitate filing an RO, she needs to know ya'll are absolutely serious! ( I know you are)



I hear ya. I gave up my work and finishing college to follow my FWH to another country (kids and I didn't know a single soul and didi'nt even speak the language) with his job! always supportive of his travels and opportunities given to him......TOO many opportunities I now see!




I think our marriage before the bomb doesn't even count now, it was all lies, he was not the man he portrayed himself to be.......vent... ok, sorry

when I get down, angry, contimplate spewing venom, or throwing dishes across the room.... I stop and think of how much my FWH has changed. All the things he has done to make this m work. He has not once complained about the changes or EP's. That helps to calm my nerves.

Better days ahead chick!

Thanks for helping, chickadee. I think your experience of speaking directly to Dr Harley puts you in a very knowledgeable position.

Thanks again.

Wow, I just finished reading momma bears thread and yours. I see what you are talking about, she is a very strong woman.

On the flip side, I think everyone should read your guys treads becuase it is a perfect example how you can come back from nothing.
The wayward would really get a good example of how hard they must work on recovery on your thread and a BS will find hope out of nothing if they read all the way through Momma Bears posts. She was ready to give up and was almost at peace with that when you did the 180.

Oops, that was me above. I forgot we signed me out so he could have the computer to do his homework from Pappa Bear.

Hi chickadee1,

I apologize for taking so long to respond. I do not read here anymore, but my hubby did tell me you asked me a question.

When do those thoughts go away?

I have no idea, but I've asked the same question myself.

I can tell you that they DO lessen IF your spouse is being enthusiastically transparent, as well as working the rest of the program. But it takes time....a very long time. We are 4 years out this month, and I can still trigger. But now I don't trigger at many of the things that used to trigger me, and the triggers are not nearly as all-consuming as they once were, and I can move past them easier now.

There are people here that have been in recovered marriages much longer than me. Is Pepperband still here? I remember her posting to me when we were at the 2 year mark, I think. I was sad that I still hurt so much. She encouraged me that I should expect 5 years or longer. It is important to remember that this healing of your heart is a slow process. And if your FWH bulks at A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G -- any EPs, pulling his own weight, being patient through your triggers -- I wouldn't waste anymore time on him.

He has wasted a lot of your life NOT being the husband you thought he was. He is a deceiver. If he has not had a COMPLETE heart change, he is going to hurt you again.

smb

pepper is still here and i always read what she has to say.
your H was on the mark with his post i almost puked. he has been great for him opening his eyes in a new way, and in the end he will be better person from this all i hope. if not he will be denying himself a fuller life.

i agree with you one slip up and thats it, he knows that. he has been doing everything and i do see changes, but with false starts its tough.

with that said, its like i have 3 choices. stay with the deciever i know and hope he changes and we have a great marriage. Find a new one. or go it alone. all not great options, when all you have to bank on is hope. i guess thats what i am dealing with today, and it really stinks.
i guess i am having a tough time with believing anyone can change completely.

i know this sound pretty negative, but its really not its the logical way to look at my options.

now throw emotion into it and it gets messy.

taking time to sort thru my own head lately, i have been working so hard on all this and trying to fix this situation, very tired.

thank you for taking time to post to me i do appreciate all of the advice i get here, it has gotten me thru the past 8 months. and i learn more about life and myself everyday, so saying that i have gained from this miserable experience is not untrue, just a crapy way to gain knowledge (but thats with many things in life).