Indie, I have had a couple of these experiences too. The difference for me is that no-one I know has any details of WH, so this is something I think you need to be very careful of. Maybe explain that you are trying to move forward in life, and talking about softlad slows your journey? Then they are likely to know that talking about him to you is not in your best interests without having to explain the whole of Plan B.

If there is one thing a BS learns surviving an affair, it is trust our instincts! I really do not know what to make of softlad's behaviour, very strange. Still gaslighting?

I wonder if he is doing drive-bys, keeping tabs on you, in some way trying to maintain the connection with you. Maybe hand-delivering mail is softlad's way of cake-eating now, he sees the home he once shared with you, and feels he is still doing you favours in a way. It is clearly meeting an EN for him in some way that OW is failing to do.

I guess the best answer is we can never really understand the wayward's decisions and behaviours. They are not logical.

Sometimes, I avoid talking to people who I am certain are going to share something with me. It's hard though. Especially when it's outta the blue, and I am not prepared for it. It knocks the wind outta me.

So, you get any ideas for a career path?

Teaching is looking likeliest.

I fill out my application form this week for courses, but that wont see me start anything until next autumn.

I just have to find something to do in the meantime. I cant stay put where I am. My current job is just not working for me any more and the commute is dreadful.

OK this has been covered in Caracals thread but I am venting / blogging it here, because it must be a very common Plan B experience.


I really, really feel 'done' with softlad today.

This feeling has been circulating for weeks in the back of my mind, but I havent really given it its due, as I felt it was prob temporary.

It isnt going away. I dont miss him. Everything I do remember about him seems false or inadequate.

I dont think about him as a man, as my h. This isnt difficult. I do think about the pain I experienced in the aftermath/during the A. But never about him or us.

I want him to regret it. I think I also want him to want me back. But not so I would take him back. Just for the chance of refusal.

I dont love the man I remember. I think I was tricked re his character. I am sure of this., He was a liar. I have discovered lies that pre-dated the A. I remember being manipulated on many occasions but didnt see it for the truth.

I dont want the plans to recover my marriage. I think I just want his affair bust up out of moral outrage and the chance to reject him. I just want to heal myself.

I have started feeling glad that I have got a start on D'ing him. Though I did it for legal reasons, I feel that I may be ready to move on with my life entirely very soon and I want to be divorced for that. Scotty has posted something I found interesting re a similar situation on Caracals thread.


I get this and no way am I making any permanent decisions until I reach the six month mark I set for myself. Actually, it pob makes sense to defer this until the nine months it will take to D him.

I dont worry about taking him back or not - that would be for him to convince me. Its just that I think I may not, no matter how sincere he is.

I also feel it is somehow unnatural to plan to not plan. I feel in limbo. I am not single, I am not married, I cannot even look forward to becoming single, because I dont know what may happen between now and my deadline. However not planning anything permanent is the best of a bad deal.

Still sucks though. I have spent the last fifteen years knwoing exactly where I am going - towards marriage and a family with the only person I had ever loved.

I know I will be ok. Not knowing what version of ok is unsettling though.

((((Indie))))

I so understand what you are talking about. After DDay, everything about your life comes crashing down. You no longer know where you are going, cuz you got kicked off course. There is a new better course ahead for you, for all of us. Either with our repentant WSs, or without.

I found it easier to focus on the immediate, initially.

After a while, I wanted to start planning my life out, but like you, I felt I couldn't. That's why I wake up in the morning and deal with the reality that I have in front of me.

I still plan for MY future, but it has NOTHING to do with dating, and relationships, I am no where near ready to date yet anyways. It also has nothing to do with my WH. Besides, he would need to woo me anyways, so I have nothing to do with that. So, I don't even think about it.

I have a plan for what would happen if my WH were to contact my IM and say that he is ready to reconcile. I have a plan, that way, I don't need to think about it anymore. I live like as if my WH doesn't exist, because in my life, he doesn't.

There were a few moments that I also thought about filing for a D, and I would pray about it. I felt like I should just continue with my path right now. That is to continue to make my life better, without my WH, and to heal myself, so I may one day be ready to date, someone else.

I am trailing behind you in terms of personal recovery Indie, and have to admit I have some ways before I reach this. Thanks for sharing though, I am following your steps and learning.

My exact thoughts! I really no longer know if I simply want him to feel my rejection as he has rejected me, or if I want the offer of recovery so I can actually figure out where I am at. No matter whether I want recovery or not, I KNOW I want the affair to crash and burn. Sort of juvenile, I know, but that is where I am at. I know I do not want him to live happily ever after with the farm ho.


You have faced further betrayal through the financial aspect. This is very much a personal decision. Hugs to you Indie.

I have moments of this myself, increasing moments.

Aren't we both lucky to have Scotland posting her wisdom to us? Thank-you Scotty!!!

Indie, sometimes reading your thoughts is like a glimpse into my soul. I am a planner. Not overly so, just always liked to have an idea of where I want to go. I have always known where I am going, what I hope to achieve. WH admits that he would not be where he is today without me. Because I plan, set goals, and strive to achieve. So I have really struggled with the living day to day with absolutely no thought of tomorrow, just trying to get through this day. And I feel odd considering another relationship when I somehow feel this one has not even ended. I understand.


Yep, totally sucks.

Indie:

Having read your posts from the beginning, I know that whatever you decide about softlad, you will be more than fabulous. Your thoughtfulness, kindness and warrior's attitude have been a shear joy (seems like the wrong word, but I hope you get my meaning) to read.

The softlad that is out there now? He doesn't deserve a woman of your caliber. Probably never did.

And feeling in limbo ... I get that, too. But maybe this is one of those moments in time where you just ... have ... to ... be. Be in your current state (strong, bruised, wiser, tougher, hopeful), in order to truly heal? My therapist always had to work with me to power through moments of frustration, tenseness or unease. To regain my composure, my sense of self worth, my positive energy.

You are Indie ... such an apt handle. That alone says sooooo much about you.

Cheers,
SP

~I dont think this is juvenile. You just dont want to live in a world where atrocities happen. I dont think it is vengeful either. The end of the affair would be the end of their enslavement and addiction. They would be free of the horror. (No one can tell me that it isnt depressing, vile and awful to be in an affair - you only have to look in my WH's dead eyes. They used to be lovely eyes)

Now, when I am vengeful, I start to wish softlad and OW a lifetime of misery with their just deserts - each other. However OWs two innocent little children prevent me from doing this
much.



Yes we are her grasshoppers!



This means so much SP! I cant even say how much. (I thnk it was the perfect word)



Yes, I know how to be. This evening having dinner with my girlies it was easy to 'be'. Not so much yesterday with the gales and rain and bad work day. I need to make more nice days, that's all.

Oh and I had a slight realisation yesterday that might be useful to Plan Bers...



Ah. I had forgotten the MB mantra that feelings follow actions. The above feelings are purely down to Plan B actions. I found a pic of the two of us on holiday, behind the cabinet just after posting this. A really nice pic, with the kind loving expression on his face that I had actually forgotten he had. I felt my shield being pierced and the phrase 'I need you' popped into my head. This was a common phrase I thought a lot during the pain of the A and Dday.

This made me realise that Plan B doesnt cure the wound, although it feels like it has. It is simply an anaesthetic. The wound is still there underneath it. Any peeks, pokes, prods or any triggers like my photo, and the Plan B anaesthetic is damaged.

I wasnt triggered too bad tho I dont think. I put the pic away and got on with a very busy day. I havent mooned over him or anything. I seem to have trained my brain not to do that. Isn't that incredible? I would not have thought that could not be done, but it can it seems.

Oh you two, Thank you.(See Pep, I am still learning).

I never would have made it through those dark times without the help from MANY MANY posters, both past and present. I even learned through you two. Every time I post, I have to think about what I am posting, and if I see the advice would be good for me as well, I take it.

Scotland is a bloodsucker.

HAHAHAHAHA

I know I've been reading Dracula too many times when I see that and wonder... "Scotland, is your name Mina?"...

I dont know how typical this is or how much it is 'Plan B' thinking

When I get upset lately, it is always due to remembering the pain after DDay

It is not pain of the A itself, or thinking about WH, it is the memory of the pain that makes me cry.

I dont know whether this is progress, a need for another elastic band to snap or what. I just think it is strange that I am more upset now about the after effects than the attack itself.

That is actually a move in the right direction. As long as you don't get stuck, you're doing great. You're a superstar. Great job

Thank you yoda

Thats interesting Indie. I find myself doing that at times too (although I still sometimes feel sad over the affair and WH).

Today I have had a sad day, reflecting on the horror of the pain I went through after D Day. I look back on myself like viewing my pain on a home movie. I even remember some of the comments I made, like a wounded dog. At the time I was going through this I knew how badly I was hurting, but now with Plan B I can see the depth of the agony I endured. My reactions in some way shock me. Not sure if that is the right word, but I never knew I could react to emotional pain like that.

I am sad that I had to go through that, sad that anyone has to go through that.

I think these changes in thoughts are all steps in personal recovery. With any trauma it takes time and processing to work through all of the emotions. Like Scotland said, it is if we get stuck in one area that it can become a problem.

Hey indie, your're doing great.

My moments are when I think how cruel and selfish WW is at this time in her life. That she is so blind of the damage our children.

EXACTLY. Even the hind sight view of the pain is totally horrifying.


I had a bit of a realisation today. The WHOLE time I have been in Plan B - I've been reading WH's horoscope. I do this like a sort of reflex and honestly had given no thought to it being anti-plan B in any way, as I dont take horoscopes seriously and read them out of habit.

It isnt a genuine look into his life. It doesnt see me meet his needs in any way. Nevertheless it does trigger thinking about HIM rather than ME after I have scanned it in a magazine.

I caught myself doing this today and I was totally stunned that something so obviously bad for me could have slipped past my radar.

And do you know what my first thought was? It wasnt - 'Oh good - I have spotted a Plan B glitch and fixing it will make me happier'. No. It was 'Ooooooooooh - I am TIRED of being good. I dont gossip about him, I dont spy on his FB page, I dont drive past OWs house, I hung up on his text to the house phone - CANT I JUST READ HIS STUPID HOROSCOPE!!!!!

But no, I cant. Not if I want to leave cheating alien wierdo way back in the dust and roll on with a super duper recovery.

Bad indie.

But I learn a bit more every day.

GREAT INSIGHT INDIE.

It's funny how something that you thought was so harmless actually kept you thinking about your WH, and was potentially harming your personal recovery.

Isn't it great what you Taker can think? You start to justify what you KNOW is bad for you. Glad you understand yourself so well. AWESOME.

LOL.
I am not a horoscoper either but read mine and WH's and whenever it is sounding like he might have romance and sizzling action in affair land....I get aggitated.
Whenever there is a good sounding one for him I am bugged.
He is the same sign as one of our kiddos though and I remind myself I want good things for the child.

Again, I am not a horoscoper really. It isn't a logical thing in any way.