"then after my A and when I got pregnant OM wanted to marry me and have an intact family with OC, so he knew from the beginning that I was pregnant."

A very vauge answer.

So this means you were separated with BH and living with OM. On further assumption you told OM you think you might be pregnant an he might be or was the dad.

Did you ever have the opportunity to not let OM know you were pregnant and he was the dad?

Did OM know for a fact that you had cut off BH from SF, that there was no chance BH could of been the dad?

No, I was never separated. BH and I were still together but on the brink of divorce. So I told OM when I got pregnant that I didn't know if it was his (I wasn't certain; it was a 50/50 shot) but that I would let BH decide if he wanted to stay with me or not and OM agreed to go away if BH wanted to stay. In the end OM changed his mind and wanted to know if OC was his or not. He agreed not to try to interfere with my marriage, but it's the NC that's been a recurring point of contention because BH doesn't think it's possible to keep NC for life. I, on the other hand, know that contact would be a HUGE risk and could end up in another A. BH says he's "willing to take that risk" (his words).

Did I answer your question, Road? I'm not sure where you're going with it, though.

want i will answer your previous question when i have more time.

i have a question of my own for you. your answer may also help me with my reply

i know you are trying really hard to follow the principles here and that you have told us about your h's lb's and your fear of falling into another A with om b/c of them

but do you believe you are still in the fog (still feeling affection for om)

or

is it that your h continue's with previous lb's that you feel puts you at risk

I can answer this question. What puts her at risk is continued contact [via herself or her husband] with the OM. That is THE RISK.

you are wrong mel. that is not the answer to my question

No, I am not wrong. The risk to this marriage is the OM. If you don't understand that, you don't get it, which is very likely.

What is your point with this question?

want

mel raises a good question as to the point of my question

the point i am trying to get at is this

my oldest sons mother and i dated and lived together for many years.

(and i know the difference between an A ending and a relationship ending, ie. divorce, etc)

after a years long relationship i have never had feelings of affection for her when we are both at my sons house for holidays, grandkids bdays, etc

and i get mel's point that c in your marriage is a huge risk. i am not argueing that or suggesting it

what i still don't understand is why you still have such strong feelings for om

i would think that after his changing his mind about leaving you and your h alone and the expensive court battle he put you thru you would have a severe distaste for him

The fact that you don't understand why is very troubling to me and tells me you don't know anything about affairs or the subsequent recovery after an affair. It concerns me terribly that you post to this young woman with stuff like this. She understands more about affairs than you do.

The reason she has strong feelings for the OM is because she had an affair with him and because those feelings of fantasy are triggered whenever she sees him or her H speaks of him.


And you have been on MB long enough to know why. We should not have to be explaining the reasons why to you on a thread of a person whose marriage is in trouble. A person who is here for our help. You have been here for 10 years and should know better.

pops, have you ever read Surviving an Affair?

mel i would have thought that this part of my post would have cooled your jets

"""""""""and i get mel's point that c in your marriage is a huge risk. i am not argueing that or suggesting it""""""""

read it carefully.. i AM AGREEING with you.

man that was hard to type. just kidding

yes i have read surviving an affair

i also read hn/hn at least 12 years before my w's A and thought i was following dr harley's advice a dozen years before discovering this site

didn't stop my w from having an A. go figure. guess everything isn't black and white

Yet you wrote this:


Why don't you understand this? What is Dr Harley's RULE #ONE for recovery after an affair? He says "recovery is impossible" if this rule is not followed. What is that rule?


I think you actually have to follow the advice in order for it to work.

want

sorry i got sidetracked

my questions still stand if you care to answer. your choice

WH, I can answer this for you. His family didn't heal. There is no healing. Last year he was discussing separation and was open about his own shaky marriage. What you end up with is a crippled marriage or a divorce. You need to understand, WH, that recovery is impossible this way. Sure, you might stay together in a crippled marriage, but that is not a recovered marriage. Staying together is not the defintion of success, it is the definition of failure if your marriage is bad.

No responsible person would advocate such an existance on this board any more than I would advocate chain smoking or drunk driving. And I would be the first to tell you that I was a superb drunk driver. I was fortunate that I didn't land in jail or kill anyone, but that doesn't mean that drunk driving is smart or that I would be responsible telling others to go drunk driving.

Your marriage, WH, is worse off today than it was before your affair. So while I know it is hard for you, the only possible solution is to adhere to no contact and start using this program. Your marriage depends on it. Ask anyone on this forum - who is in a truly recovered marriage - how they did it, and they will tell you emphatically that no contact was the FIRST STEP. There is no step two until step one is taken.

pops has also mentioned in the past that he and his WW regretted going after OM for CS because the OM then went for visitation and got it. They have not gotten the NC they need.

Always easier to see things with hind sight. Better then 20-15 after laser surgery.

This may give you added insight into a wayward's mind, Pops. To answer your question, Mel is absolutely right. It actually goes back to something Mel told me before--I must CONTROL my thoughts! I discovered I CAN INDEED control them. What a revelation! However, my ability to control them healthily depended on my environment supporting it. See, when BH and I together went NC right after A ended, my feelings for OM hibernated. It wasn't until court that feelings resurfaced. So I can only attribute feelings to contact. In my head OM is dead. I need it to stay that way to keep from thinking of OM. I stay busy. I put my energy into loving BH. It works. As long as BH deals with OM without bringing it up to me, I am fine. It's when BH recounts details to me about OM that triggers thoughts and it becomes harder to control thoughts. I still do have a handle on it, but like Mel said, our M is crippled, not recovered, in this environment.

So Pops, I understand what you're getting at, but feelings for OM will probably always live under the surface, but as long as I don't entertain them (via contact, particularly), they stay dormant. My desire is to keep them dormant for life and heal in my M and put all of my love and life into my BH.

I suppose it's like a recovering alcoholic. Once an alcoholic aways an alcoholic. Contact with OM is like taking that first sip--deadly to recovery.

Being you were still living with BH why did you have to tell OM you were pregnant?

Why didn't you tell the OM that he couldn't be dad that the dates makes BH the dad?

You had the chance to keep OM away.

That cow has already left the barn, TheRoad.

That cow has been milked 3 times, and has left the barn.

TR,

Why didn't you tell the OM that he couldn't be dad that the dates makes BH the dad?

Because it would be a lie that may someday come back to haunt the WW and BH. Just as in affairs truth is an antidote to OC problems.

OC may wonder about their origins, as I did, and having the OM know about his child will make it easier when the child go back to meet his maker. Their is less of a chance OM will deny paternity and send OC away.

OC has three families not two, that is OC's heritage. In my case I had four since I was completely adopted out of my half-biological family.

Besides who really wants to lie to their child every day of their life, and feel the sting of that lie whenever they look at their child?

God Bless
Gamma

want

thank you

that was what i was fishing for. an understanding of where your strong feelings for om come from and why they are still looming. i knew he was an ex but was having a hard time connecting it after all he has put your family thru this last year

i think i understand where you are coming from and where you want to go