I don't know what to say.

I feel physically ill, shocked, and in complete and utter despair. I can't function and I feel myself falling into a deep and total depression. I just have zero idea how he could have done this to me. I have NEVER EVER ONCE lied to him in our entire 15yr relationship and 12yr marriage. He doesn't deserve me at all.

You can read on his crisis thread what has happened in our marriage. I still love him, but I feel like I don't know who he is whatsoever and I want out.

The thing is, you can decide whether or not this marriage is worth your effort to try and save it from divorce.
The cool thing is, you don't have to decide today.
You can wait until the initial shock has worn off, and you feel stronger and are thinking clearly.

Are you sleeping?
Eating?
Can you function on a day to day basis?

If not, you may need some medical attention to treat anxiety/depression/insomnia.

Speak to your physician.

Your children need you put together, do not hesitate to see your doctor for anti-depressants for the time being.

Like I said on your H's thread, NOBODY here would fault you for walking away. I don't think anyone here actually believes your husband now, so we certainly don't question why you don't.

He did this to you because he has poor boundaries. That is resolvable, but it will take a huge change of life. I'll leave you to the SAA vets now...hugs to you.

[video:youtube][/video]

Infidelity: What every couple should know.


What every MB forum poster should watch.

Amy, I hope you read every post on your husband's thread so you can see our reaction to his posts.

Amy, Welcome. You are in good and understanding hands here. Read through the site, when you have a chance. Order the book Surviving and Affair. Post here whenever you need to, we all can offer you help.

As Pepperband has posted, you don't need to make any lifechanging decisions today. We can help support you through this most difficult time. Again, WELCOME

Amy,

I have been exactly where you are standing. I have worn your very shoes.

My husband is a serial cheater.

We have been married since 1975. He has had at least 3 physical affairs, and two emotional affairs.

I understand the roller coaster you are on.

I understand that you still love him.

I understand that you may still want to save your marriage, and that you may just want to walk away the very next moment.

That one minute you wish you didn't have to look at him, and the next you want to have him hold you, fight for the marriage, and be the rock you need to lean on and support you through this he// you find yourself in.


You cannot understand what has happened. You cannot believe he has done this to you, and you cannot believe you didn't know it. You are looking back at the years together, wondering what was true, what was a lie, if anything was "real" or not. Did he ever love you, was anything built on truth, was any of it meaningful, or was everything a sham?

Here are some things to know - some truths to cling to:

The affairs he had are not, and never were, about you. His affairs were about HIM.

His affairs were NOT your fault. His affairs were 100% his choice, and you are not to blame.

The affairs he had were NOT about the other women. There is nothing special about any of the other women; they could be anyone, they are not unique, special, or anything unusual. The affairs are NOT about the OW; they are about YOUR HUSBAND.

You do not need to decide anything right now. You can take your time. In fact, making a decision right now is probably the worst timing to do anything, because you are in shock - and you need time to make a decision that carries with it all of the information you need, and the time to consider it carefully. That means you need to be a lot more emotionally calm - and you can't say that time is right now.


Finally, you have come to the best place to get advice and support. Lots of us have been in your shoes. We can help you through this. Whether you decide to stay in the marriage or not, Marriage Builders can help you through.

For what it is worth, you CAN save your marriage. MB can help. If your husband is willing to work on the plans, and you are able to see the changes in him - and ultimately work on the plans with him, your marriage can survive. It can actually end up as the marriage you have always wanted.

Schoolbus

Amy,
You are in a severe emotional storm....I know what that's doing to you....too many people here on this forum know it also...we have been in your shoes, walked the same path.
YOUR recovery happens one moment at a time.....one hour at a time.....then one day at a time.
I don't have much clear memory of the two weeks after my Wife dropped the bomb of infidelity on me.....it still seems like a bad dream. I am almost at 4 months after that day....and I still need medication to help me sleep.
If I can give you one recommendation it would be TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST !!!
You will get excellent support here.....USE IT.
We are here for YOU!
You are a new member in a club that NOBODY wants to join. We are here for you!

Amy, lots of us have been in your shoes. The first week I found out I slept 12 hours total, every time I went to work I threw up. I probably drove about 2000 miles, in circles. Everything was wrong,upside down nothing but pain and confusion. The emotions controlled me. My buddy the MD helped me immensely, I wouldn't be here without the ambien and the antidepressants, and I hate taking pills..... if I have any advice read peps. Notable posts in her signature line... and listen to every darn word that melodylane writes, she is the closest thing to psychic I have ever seen...... and I really don't believe in that crap...... They will help you in your path to recovery, whatever path that may be.... REMEMBER take care of yourself. Eat, sleep just take care of yourself

Thanks everyone. It's (unfortunately for everyone affected) nice to know I'm not alone. I'm trying to eat as I'm still breastfeeding our almost 7m old baby, but I've lost 8lbs in the past 10 days. I have very restless sleep as well and am hoping that gets better since I'm getting up at night with the baby too.

I just can't see AT. ALL. how people can trust again and can actually ever have sex again after something like this.

The visions I have in my head are horrendous. I just can't shake them. I just can't wrap my head around how he could do all of these things to me when he supposedly loved me so much. I feel like everything in our entire marriage has been a lie. I actually feel like I've been raped and robbed. Literally.

Amy YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!
Many of us here know EXACTLY what you're going through!
I'm 30 pounds lighter than 4 months ago.
Since you breastfeed your child maybe medication to sleep or manage the anxiety isn't the best idea......PLEASE consult your Doctor....those medications helped save my life!
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

This is all (unfortunately) perfectly normal. I lost over 20lbs in 3 weeks. The trust grows as he demonstrates repeatedly that he has extra ordinary precautions in place, that he is open and honest about his life... 100% transparent, and you begin the hard work towards reconciliation. Sex was hard for many of us after finding out our spouses were unfaithful. The movie reel of what we think happened played constantly. The reel runs out of film eventually and the movies stop as you begin working and rebuilding.

Amy, the feeling of being raped and robbed is actually consistent with what Dr. Harley says. He says that the pain and emotional trauma of infidelity is equivalent to rape.

Your world has been shattered.

I don't know where your H stands on things since I haven't read his thread. My guess is that if he's here he is looking to recover.

The good news is that you can recover. The bad news is that it will be the toughest thing you've ever done.

One the other end of this could lie either divorce and years filled with child exchanges or a recovered marriage with an intact family and a wonderful marriage, if you're both willing to make changes (mainly him).

I'm sorry you're going through this. The infidelity diet is one most of us are very familiar with.

Welcome, Amy! Here's the good thing: YOU get to decide what you want to do. Take some time to get used to your new reality. It involves some nasty honesty (hopefully the honesty will remain, with no 'nasty' in the future.)

Please stay off your husband's thread, okay? We're working with the two of you separately right now, and it won't help if you're following his thread and getting caught up in it. You've got your own thread for now.

Stay with us and learn how to make a fantastic marriage with Schlag. You may not feel that's possible right now - believe me, it is!

UNFORTUNATELY!!!!!

People tell me "You've lost weight...you look good....did you use a diet program?"

I tell them "I went on a diet you NEVER want to be on!"

And, you need to take excellent care of yourself.


You actually don't have to think about this now.
You really ought to concentrate on your own physical & mental wellbeing.


We understand. We remember.
You will simply have to take our word that these horrible visions will fade over time. It takes TIME.


Did you watch that 30 minute video I posted?
You can watch it while breastfeeding.

Take care you.

Pepperband- not yet, but I will.

Thanks again, everyone.

Hugs, Amalynn

((((((((((amalynn))))))))))

You will do great. MB plans will help you with either marriage recovery or personal recovery - whichever you decide.

This is the most awful and shocking betrayal to experience - we have all been there and felt the bottom fall out of our world.

I have only been here since June (so I will leave you to the vets' wise experience) Just months ago I discovered my h was having an affair with my oldest friend, who we had been helping through her widowhood. You wouldnt think so, but thanks to MB I sleep, eat and laugh as I never thought I could on Dday. I am happy most of the time.

You will be too, when you come through the eye of the storm

We also understand that it is hard to make permanent decisions when you are up one day and down the next.

MB can avise you on what to do in the meantime, if you are not ready for permanent decisions.....

Amy I breastfed my youngest baby while enduring my WH adultery and leaving me for her.

I also went on to lose 55 pounds all while breastfeeding. What I noticed is breastfeeding helped me to remain calmer than I normally thought.

I believe the chemicals released during nursing helps the mom. Also - my fat was used to keep the breastmilk afloat.

I did not get ADs either because I wanted to continue nursing, and made it to one full year (Adultery started when he was only four months old).

Increase the frequency if you need more supply. I also pumped lots of milk so my girlfriend could help me out. There were days I couldn't get out of bed. It was awful.

I am also brought my youngest into bed and noticed he nursed a lot more at night than during the day, which helped me sleep better at night, and I wasn't so worried about him during the day not drinking so much.


Tough~