Amy,

What could your husband do, is there something that would work, how would he go about it...........
Give him help, tell him what will work......he is looking for guidance.......
he has screwed up things and has no idea how to fix it.........
Maybe tough is right no comp for now, no phone for now....

Given Schlag's history that had better be a very ugly toothless lesbian woman well over 80.

Amy,

So at this point, you want Schlag to be the transparent human. The man you can see inside, so you know what he's thinking and doing....so you could trust him.

We know that isn't possible. And as BS's, we all wish we could do that. We wish we could be everywhere they are, hear all those conversations, even go back into the past and hear what they said at certain times, so we could understand exactly what they were thinking. If only we could be inside their brains, then we could know for sure if there was REAL change, if they were REALLY broken, if they REALLY meant what they were saying, or if it was just lip service to get over this rough time so they could go back to what they were doing when they were so rudely interrupted.

Don't I know that feeling...

And you don't want a life where you are spying over his shoulder, looking to see what he is typing on the computer. Because, well...is he then typing it to make you think this or that? Is he only saying that on this thread because he wants you to think a certain thing about him, or is it a real feeling he has? You could be so suspicious of every move he makes, Amy. You probably are suspicious of everything right now, given your situation. There is zero trust. You may not even trust him to get two cookies when he says he is getting only two. Who's to blame you?

Your question is to ask yourself, "What do I see him doing?" instead of "What do I hear him saying?"

You should see him being actively involved in the marital recovery. He has a list of EPs going, and he should be following them without complaint. He should, in fact, be happy to do those. He should be looking for more things he can do for you to meet your emotional needs. He should be initiating conversations - you should not always have to do this - and he should make time to talk with you about your feelings and how you are doing. For example, he should be asking you about where your mind is, and if you need him to answer any questions for you.

One of the things you might try is for a notebook to go back and forth between the two of you. You can write questions down in the book, and he can write answers down for you. It is helpful, because as you go along, the notebook can become more than question-answer, but a book where he can give you information on things he remembers, such as timeline issues, or where he might just write down some of his feelings for you. Sometimes the WS is feeling things that they do not put into words, and it helps the BS to know this.

So watch what he does, and watch for consistency over time. And remember, this recovery can take a couple of years, with both spouses working at it.


You really have just begun the path.

Hey - let's not DJ the man. I am a mom with many kids very young, and was in Amy's shoes not too long ago. I was able to get a nanny, and that was a saving Grace for me.

Breastfeeding while going through adultery is the bottom of the pit. There were times I could barely hold my child because I couldn't stop crying. I have been there, and it was the worst time in my life.

I may have said this jokingly, but I still think it is never a bad idea to have an older babysitter. Not only for the other obvious reason, but older women tend to be more experienced and therefore calmer and more stable.

I am by no means a vet here, but I do understand your situation regarding the job with securtiy clearance. My FWH(serial cheater) has a very high security clearance and all the opportunity in the world to lead a secret life. My FWH was doing fine I thought,(after 1 yr post DDay) until I checked (unannouced) his work computer and found he had been looking at web sites that had lots of pics of scantily clad women....not porn, that can't be looked at on the work computer, but "soft porn" non the less. Anyhow, after that and discovering he had been drinking w a friend (that is against our EP's) all He** broke lose and I insisted on a second polygraph. He did then confess he attempped to lookup 2 OW on fb but couldnt remember their last names.....sad....

Anyhow, he pasted the poly. We rewrote our EP's being sure to cover EVERYTHING that was not allowed...ie..soft porn, looking up OW....ect... And, next summer 2012 I will again submit him to a poly (he enthusiasticaly agreed) if there are ANY EP's that he has broken,....all bets are off! I'm done!

After this last poly he seems to be really "broken". For some reason it sunk in the seriousness of what he has done. and he was truly repentant. He is a completly different man now.

It took a lot of time, and I probably went about things wrong. But, it's working now. He is actually excited about taking a poly next summer to show me how serious he is. He shares with me ANY contact he has with women during the day. He tells me if he was tempted in ANY way to look at something on the computer that is not allowed. It's almost "overboard" but I don't dare say that!

my 10 cents...

amy

this is my thread

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2559302&page=1

i am dealing with a serial cheater and my list i EP are long.

we were on the radio show back to back on may 12$ 13. i cannot link i don�t know why... (it�s on my thread - prob page 30 or so)

i understand what you are feeling really i do. your H posted here first... good step, he is probably looking to you to help, as you are being picked up from the bus that hit you, i know.

get a notebook and write everything down that you want to know, everything! you may cross things out and say this doesn�t matter, but at least you got them out,

you have just learned of the horrors that he has been living with for +++ years you are not going to get over it that quick it takes time, it will get better and you will think more clearly, just stay here and follow the directions from the vets.

you must demand that in order for you to make this work you need xyz (EP�s). no internet, no going out without you, unless work, nada nothing for him but you! and your children!!

you need to eat and sleep. lost way too much weight, heart probs at 42, all stress related. sleep!!! Get up every day eat shower and put on lip gloss.

please stay here and ask anything and everything you have on your mind, everyone is here to help you get thru this, i promise. we are not happy you are here but am glad you found this site.

ps. put the key logger on and get a phone logger such as mobistealth or one of the others suggested here. But instead of racking your brain, say no computer at all. really thats not to much to ask, no phone either, change all emails and phone. i have 2 on my H phone, one he knows and the other he doesn�t (happy for me accident)

ask for every email address used to enable affairs and every password and sit with him as he closes every account. tell him you want all accounts and password written out.

i downloaded iepassview and found every account so there was no denying what existed (found one that he didn�t write out). i also got his teamviewer number on his work computer and did the same. then we closed them. the first ones he did on his own and i needed proof ---so do it together,

you are thinking about all the ways he can get around it, i understand.

i am rambling, but my rules are no anything... sorry he fd up. the things that i am asking are what it will takes at this time to make me feel protected. harsh as they may sound.

it�s hard for me to type; I wish i could just pick up the phone. ...

So........I just found out that they can't do away with his internet at work and I can't put any keyloggers or phone spyware on anything at work. Almost all of his women and affairs took place while he was at work. (Well, not the sex part, just the talking and getting to that point) He says that a polygraph is the only way to have trust in that area. I can't live my life poly to poly! In the mean time, I'm anxious and scared and wondering what he's doing and if he can fool the poly, etc. Then we pay hundreds of dollars all while I sit there and die of anxiety.

This is so horrible. I feel SO SO physically sick ALL THE TIME. He's done so many things that I don't know which one to concentrate on at any moment. They are all intensely painful in so many different ways. I just want to run away.

(((AMY)))

I know EXACTLY how you feel. There are so many of us here who know what you are going through. I continued to function soley for my kids for a very long time. They were my driving force, the reason I got out of bed in the morning. Your kids need you , and they need you healthy.

You don't have to make a decision about your m today, or even tomorrow.

Let you FWH do the work. Let him SHOW you what he is made of. He seems to be doing alot to make things safe for you.

I know at this point it feels like there is nothing he can say or do to make this better. Truth is, you can't make it go away, but you can make your marriage better than it EVER was!

It takes time.

amy

I know how you are feeling. you need to rest if you can. you are going to make yourself sicker if you dont eat or sleep. take a deep breath, let it out and do it again. you will get thru this, i know it doesnt feel that way but you will. but you need to get strong. you dont need to do anything today.

I would suggest that you call the harleys ( steve or jennifer) it was the a key factor that helped me see there was a light at the end of the tunnel.
get a notebook and write down all of the crazy thoughts that are wizzing thru your brain. I found that it i wrote it out, it wouldnet be in my head anymore.

can you ask him to install teamviewer so you can see where he has been if he goes on the internet at work.

i can see that he is making his lists. what do you need or want on that list that isnt there? you write your list then merge them. the vets will be all over him if they find something fishy.

i was in you shoes not too long ago, and while its hard sometimes, every day it gets better.

Amy,

I just read your thread. Let me say, as a recent BS.....it does get better. A friend and a therapist gave me a trick to help stop the movie in my head. Every time I see the movie, think of a happy place and a trigger word. Repeat that word until you can see yourself in that happy place. It didn't work all the time, but it did work. It also gave me a point and a word to think about on many other triggers.

Your WH is and will go through withdrawals. He is not to be trusted, and he should know you and others are watching......don't tell him how, just that you are.

Post here daily, at least for the first few months or until you regain your sanity..... Those of us here, want to help, want to see you through this chapter of your life.

God Bless.....

Thanks TTS, I needed that tip!

Amy, what are your thoughts today? Please update us., and tell us how you are.

Fortunately, there is a solution for this. If he can't be transparent on his work computer, he can get another job. And that is exactly what Schlag should do. Since his affairs have been initiated on his work computer, then he needs to find another occupation where monitoring of his computer is possible. There is no little job that is worth sacrificing a marriage over.

Start thinking along those lines, Amy. Start brainstorming about ways to support your family where you can be together 24/7 ideally.

I did let Sclag know (because I was also one with a very high clearance in the govt.) they have IT people there than can block things. Most who have the clearance have all been briefed not to be on social sites because of threats by other countries, and all persons must sign an internet document stating they plan to use it for official business only.

I have seen people walked out for abuse with the internet. They lose their clearance on the spot.

Ask him if his IT people can put blocks on websites for him. Talk to his boss also. IT can be done if he will do the leg work to make it happen.

Tough

I must say, I find it passing strange that they cannot block his particular computer from accessing particular sites. You can do this easily at home, so it boggles the mind that a sophisticated company with already high security cannot.

Schlag was on the radio show today. Did anyone listen? If not, it will replay I believe.

I am doing a bit worse these days. Found out after jogging a memory of the big PA 2yrs ago, that he touched her in a very intimate way and she had quite the "weak in the knees" reaction. I'm just dying of pain that he would touch her in a way that I only thought he touched me in and that she quite enjoyed MY husband. I didn't ask for HER REACTION to the touch, but he gave it to me and it caused an insane amount of pain.

Ama,

Been there too. My WW wouldn't let me touch her while we had SF or touch her to give her SF.....I became a wam bam thank you mam, routin. She told me she didn't like the feeling, didn't like sex....and all that. Well during her PA, the OM was allowed to "have his way" with her and bring to a "happy" ending.

It is painful to think the one we love allowed someone else to share that intimate part of our relationship, but that our partners did. They did this selfishly, not thinking about our feelings. Keep the plan, get all the details you need....once you have them, stop asking. The sooner you get there, the faster you can start the recovery.

God Bless..

Thanks, Texas......I could totally relate to that reading what you said. Incredibly painful.

Can someone who has been there, PLEASE try to shed some light on how long it takes until I can be just a little bit normal and out of this despair? I feel desperate for the pain to lessen. It's all consuming and just too much. I want to escape from my body or something. Please help.