Road, by the time I broke off the A, OM already knew I was pregnant and assumed it was his, even though I told him I couldn't be sure. We had planned on marrying as soon as my divorce was final, since BH and I were already talking of divorce well before my A. Back then it was just a matter of time. But once my A was out, BH realized he didn't want to divorce. For his sake I wanted to try to work it out too. So everything changed. Fast-forward 2 years later and we're now trying to work through saving a marriage with a third party constantly involved.

Pops, just curious, so what is your understanding of it now?

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A reminder that the purpose of this forum is to help others with Marriage Builders concepts. I see a lot of personal philosophies being posted on this thread in place of MB concepts. Please refrain from posting if you cannot help posters with these principles.

wanthealing,

I think I posted to you a couple of times way back when you had posted on the SAA section. Anyway, I haven't posted here now for quite awhile and looked in at the infidelity section and saw your name. I have been a member there and posting for quite awhile now until a few months ago.

I have no business commenting here at all but I did look at a part of your story last few pages and altho I have never been through what you are going through I did want to make a few comments.

WantH It just so seem that you are up against a lot of odds - and the biggest being what you have implied about your H's behacior. The most important tenet I have been aware of in my marriage is that you don't make any other person in a relationship feel uncomfortable by your behavior. Applies to a spouse as well as other close relatives and friends. Huge LB, even before MB came on the scene. Your H doesn't seem to get this, and I even think his sort of blaze attitude about the NC is like a passive way of revenge or abuse sort of when you think about it. It may have taken me a few times in the past to realize that when my wife told me no it makes me unfomcortable I did try to stop with whatever it was I was doing wrong. Except for my drinking back then, but after treatment I worked with her on even that. It just sort of tells me that he is not respective enough of you and perhaps himself to change. Other thing is putting your child above you. Yea back in my day and when we had very young kids it was sort of kewl that at times 'dad' seemed a litle more popular. Most of that tho was that 'dad' was a little more lenient in disciplining them. Neither parent is more important! Yea, fun competition is fine, but illustrating to your kids that you outright disregard that importance of their mom (or dad) in their lives can be detrimental.

Well, long-winded I know. But I do hope for the best for you.

Tom

Thanks for the input, Tom. While I haven't successfully convinced BH to join the forum, I do try to read them to him on occasion so that he can get an understanding from others besides me of why I'm on here and how it helps. I'll be sure to read this to him--not to be pushy but so that he sees I'm not delusional or unrealistic, just trying to protect HIM from me making another horrible mistake!

Tell your BH that you interacting with the OM is like if you were an alcoholic and you have stopped drinking (dropped the OM), started going to AA (coming to marriage builders), stopped going to bars, stopped hanging around with other people who drinks (non-friends of the marriage) and then your BH was saying to you "Go to the liquor store and pick me up some wine. It shouldn't be a problem because you should be able to avoid temptation. by now."

Im a WW nearly 8 months pregnant with OM child, and was wondering if you could please answer a few questions for me. I wouldnt mind if any BH or WW can answer any of the following to.

1# How did your BH feel as you were getting nearer to having the baby?
2# How did your BH feel once the baby came? And did he love and care for the baby as if it were his own?
3# Did you tell your COM about OC's biological dad? If so how did they feel?
4# Are you going to tell OC about her/his biological dad? If you have how did the OC feel?
5# Did you tell your family sisters brother parents who the real dad is? How did they feel. How did your BH feel about them knowing this?

Im not sure what too expect, I am so lost at the moment, and dont have a clue whats going to happen when the baby comes.

Thanks

Are you NC with the OM?
Does your BH know you had an affair and are pregnant from the OM?
How sure are you that BH is not the dad?

I have seen many BH accept the OC.
Eventually the OC will have to know who the bio dad is.
Marriages have recovered after what has happened to yours.



EDIT TO ADD THIS why have you tagged on to this thread? I just noticed you have your own thread.

Didn't like the old answers?

Better to go back to your old thread and give an update and list your concerns there.

Since this thread hasn't been active in awhile, I suppose it's okay to answer your questions here without too much of a TJ.

1. My husband seemed fine as we neared my due date. He was very excited.
2. DH bonded with our OC right away. He was in the delivery room when she was born. He cut the cord. The next day, he took her for a walk around the maternity ward for a couple hours so I could get some rest. He took a couple weeks of paternity leave so he could be with us and bond with the new baby. I think all of those things helped tremendously. He was very involved with her from the very beginning and really thought of her as his own child. Legally, she is, since his name is on the birth certificate.
3. We did tell our COM the truth. They were all teens and my DH had gotten a vasectomy many years ago, which they knew, so for us, there never was a choice in the matter. It was very difficult talking to them, but they took the news as well as can be expected. They didn't ask many questions at the time, but later, some of them did, and I always tried to answer them honestly. Now, 4 years later, they hardly talk about it anymore. They all adore their little sister.
4. We are going to tell our OC the truth when she gets older. She will be 4-years-old next week and right now, we feel she is too young to understand. I'm not sure when we'll tell her, but I'm guessing it will be when she is around 8, depending upon her maturity level and ability to understand. She simply wouldn't be able to understand something like that right now.
5. Yes, all of our extended family knows. My in-laws have been great about it. They've never really talked about it with me, since they aren't big on sharing emotions, but they treat our OC just like another one of their many grandchildren. My extended family is small, just my mom and grandmother, but they both know. Other than asking a few questions about what OM looked like, they have never really talked about it either.

Have you established NC with the OM? Is your H aware of the fact that OM is the bio-dad?