Why not go out to eat with your kids. The key now since she has moved out is to start to put one foot in front of the other.

A year ago I couldn't get out of bed.

Today - I cry seldomly

I started going to the YMCA a year ago and I found it was perfect for me. I give my kids to the childcare people, and then I have a couple hours of me time. Time I get to think, breathe, and enjoy some exercise.

This time is hard because of the holidays. Just keep posting here, and we can encourage you to do what is needed.

W asked me to go trick or treating with her and the kids. I'm doing plan b though. What should I do? I would really like to go with the kids but I don't know if I could hold up emotionally. Any suggestions.

How do you know she wants you to trick or treat with them? If you're in Plan B all communication is to go through a third party (intermediary). Do you have an IM?

No, don't trick or treat with them. She's throwing you a bone so she can feel better about herself. Especially if you're in Plan B! There is no contact with the wayward in Plan B.

Yeah your right. I do have an Im. I wouldn't be able to handle it right now anyways. Thanks for the smack upside the head maritalbliss.

My wife asked IM the same thing if I wanted to go trick or treat with the kids. Since I had them this weekend I was able to take them to the local zoo last night for halloween. They had what they call zoo boo. Kids and I had a blast. Smiling just thinking about it. There may be something similar to that in your area today. Try that you get to see kids in costumes and they can get candy. LOL

Yeah i will try and look around for something like that. Thanks for the idea.

donie, your IM should be protecting you from messages like that. The IM should have told your WS "since that request is not in accordance with donie's letter, I won't be passing that message along since contact is out of the question. In order to resume contact with donie, you must meet the conditions in the letter."

The IM is to operate as your spam filter and protect you.

Well I think I'm going to tell W to file. I can't do this anymore. I would love nothing more than to save my marriage but she seems dead set on divorce. I think I will give her what she wants. She said in the beginning that she wanted to wait until next year so we don't mess our taxes up. I can't wait that long. I just want to move on and try to become a better person. She is in the fog bad and I feel its going to be a long while. Who knows maybe through the divorce process she will wake up. I love her and wish that she would wake up.

You should NOT tell her to file.

If she was dead set on divorce, you would ALREADY have been served. Don't speed up this process, drag it out. Gives more time for the affair to end.

In reality, she's done nothing but TALK about divorce, and that is probably to placate OM. She's dragging her feet for a reason.

Any news from HR? Call them again.
Who else did you expose to?

How familiar are you with the concepts and plans?
Did you write a Plan B letter?
Who is your intermediary? Did you provide them with information on how to be effective and what is required of them?
Are you completely dark? No texts, no phone calls, no sightings on drop offs?

I want to hang on so bad but afraid in the end it will hurt more. Im trying to do stuff for me and move on but i still have the little bit of hope. I have done everything that you have asked above. I may need a little more help with planning though. I did call HR back. They started the investigation but couldnt give out any info yet. It will be Wednesday or Thursday. It has only been a couple months but i feel that she should have some kind of remorse already. Im just not being patient enough i guess. I just want my family back. I should just calm down cause i didnt realize it has only been two months. Lol. It feels like its been a year. When all this first started i pushed her to go file but she wouldnt. She said she was going to but hasnt yet. I know that she is waiting for one reason or another. Just hope i dont get them anytime soon. Thanks for the boost Lexxy.

How can you consider surrendering now you have MB fighting with you?

Dam the torpedos, full steam ahead.

I do have a couple of questions about wayward spouses that I have noticed with my WW. Just trying to understand more about all this and if any one can answer. She was really close to an aunt and uncle. They helped us out a great deal. When all this happened I thought it maybe a good idea to have them talk to her since she wouldn't talk to anyone else. Boy was I wrong. She treated them just like me and I was at aww when she was saying the stuff she was to them. Secondly everything she liked and disliked has done a 180. People she disliked before she likes. People she liked she dislikes. Promotions at her job that she would never set a foot in before she is diving into them etc etc. What the hell is all I have to say. Anyone can please answer this for me.

Don't expect HR to get back to you. They may shut you down - this is specific to their employees and they may use 'privacy issues' to keep you out of the loop. Don't let that deter you. Tell them that you insist, as their employee's husband, that they keep you in the loop on what they discover in the course of their investigation. Let them know that you are ready to retain an attorney over this. Businesses get very nervous when they hear the word 'lawsuit'.

Ok. I didnt know that they would do that. She seemed pretty convincing she would get back to me. I will definatly make sure i find out one way or the other. With the info i gave them i would be sure they would lose their jobs. I guess we will find out at the end of the week. Thanks maritalbliss.

I was looking back the past couple of months and how she has been so cold towards me. I cant believe that she had another personality like that in her and how fast it was literaly over night. It scares me knowing i use to sleep next to her and still want to. All kidding aside, tomorrow suppose to hear from HR. Also i was thinking today of maybe going back home for a couple of months with our children. I think it would be nice to be around family and friends through this. Not sure if that would be a good idea or not. I know it would help the children and me out. Her dad and some other family live there. Then all of my family of course. The problem is i would probably need to take off and leave a note for her cause i dont know what she would say if i asked her. Does anyone know if this would make things worse? She is definatly in the FOG and even though she has mentioned divorce hundreds of times now i really dont think she will file. Its been two months and if she wanted one so bad she would of filed right?

This is the #1 sign of a wayward. They become someone different. I have often seen on these boards two different scenarios. One is the wayward was like this at one point in their life, usually adolescence or early twenties. During the affair the brain chemicals take them back to that time in their life that they remember. They become the teenager again. The high of the feelings are so strong they would do anything to feel that way again. This gets them out of reality (homes, kids, jobs, cleaning, laundry, etc.). They are looking to regain something they feel they lost, so they build a fantasy around the affair, the adultery partner, and their life.

The second scenario I see is someone who gets involved with an adultery partner whose values are at a much lower level. The adultery partner and the wayward get sucked in by the chemicals to feel good. In the beginning the adultery is so much fun and so exciting. The feelings of happiness, joy, life are profound and extremely powerful. As time progresses and it takes more to get a hit off the adultery one of the partners submissively heads down the path of least resistance to get the high. That usually means following the lower valued adultery partnet to their level. Then it reduces the guilt, shame, and horror. The person who had a moral compass before has now thrown that out the window because the moral compass gets in the way of the high. Lower values means you can lower your esteem. This is where Dr. Harley's giver/taker book is good. They take on one or the other. That is how the adultery crumbles because you can only sacrifice so much to hold onto the HIGH. After a while it take so much energy to get the HIGH, the affair becomes very burdensome, and the adultery partner tries to return to their old life where they realize it wasn't so bad.

All this usually happens within a two year time frame. The sooner exposure happens the more likely reality sets back in quicker.

Tough

Thanks for the explanation. It has been awhile since I have been on here. There's been a lot going on. I don't know what you would call it, maybe an extended vacation. I took my kids and myself to Arizona. Being in Texas and everything that was going on was just eating me alive. I could see was getting difficult for the oldest daughter. I didn't know anyone in Texas. No family or friends. Since coming home, I think we are all doing better. The kids are getting to know my family and are getting really close with there grandma. WW is still in Texas with no signs of giving the affair up yet. When we left I text her we were leaving. She had no idea that I even had it in my mind. I was worried about how she was going to react. To my surprise she didn't put up much of a fight. Just can't believe that she could really care less. Our anniversary is this weekend so it will be a pretty tough time.

My former land lord called tonight. My WW was asking to rent our old place. Kinda funny considering that was one of the excuses she told me as to why she wanted to move out. The land lord asked W if there was any way to reconcile. W told her that I had said and done to many hurtful things to her for it to ever work. Yeah ok. I've never stabbed her in the back. Even the land lord was telling me how far out she is. Haven't heard from her since coming to az. Found out from the land lord that she doesn't have a car any more. She had recieved a car from OM. So a little curious as to what happened. I'm sure she is still seeing him though. The days seem like they are years I do know. Any advice as to what I should do next. I'm doing really well with plan b.

More of the same. Tighter Plan B.
Be #1 Dad.
Take excellent care of yourself.
Close your eyes and ears to news about WW.