I really think that has happened...<P>H cant even remember the year of A.... I was only good at this the last 6 months, but shouldn't H remember?<P>Instead, I hear this.... excuses to stay with OW....cuz Im Plan B'ing and asked "If you say you love me why do you treat me like this?"<BR>__________________________________________<P>tis true. however.. in the same sense you dont have a part of me, even tho you claim<BR>to love me, as do i do the same with you.<BR>conclude with des.. she makes me feel wanted.. loved.. cared for.. she actively seeks to be in my life..<BR>you can stomp around as much as you want, can bang your fists on the the table,<BR>you can claim anythign you want and even slam me as much as you can possibly think anythign up..<BR>but in the end..<BR>but what i get from you has yet to ever change.<BR>she gives me what i have always wanted and desired from you.<BR>yes. me and you are still married..<BR>hence all this conflict..<BR>she becmae a part of my life.. the little boy that looks just like me..<BR>the one i just finished holding cuz he was crying becuz of new teeth...<BR>its quite obvious..<BR>i cant just shove her away like she doesnt exsist.. are you kidding?<BR>i dont know why you think this situation is so dam easy to figure out..<P>__________________________________________<P>Yeah H is angry at me cuz I told him our relationship is nill till OW is completely out of the picture...<P>Someone say OUCH....<P>cozy

I am so sorry. I know that hurt so much. I wish I had words of wisdom to say to you but I don't. I''l say a few prayers for you. hugs and warm thoughts.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

.....And that was one paragraph in a very looooooooooong e-mail....<P>Thanks for your concerns and prayers, I REALLY need them!<P>cozy

YUUUCCKKK! Sorry. Hope tomorrow is better for you. Thinking the good thoughts for you...<P>Roll Me Away

Thanks for replying... <P>I guess what I need to know is what do I do now.... Stay in a strong Plan B... Run around with my fingers in my ears and my hands over my eyes... LALALALALALALALALALALALA I don't hear or see anything anymore LALALALALALA???<P>I am just in shock I guess....<P>cozy

Isn't Plan B sort of a last ditch effort?<P>If so, then this type of response actually seems normal.<P>As I understand it, you Plan B them until their fantasy land bursts or you come to terms with moving on.<P>Paul

Why did he send you this email? Was it in response to you plan B letter?<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

{{{{{{{{{<B>cozy</B>}}}}}}}}}<P>I feel so sorry for you. I haven't started my own Plan B (will begin Jan/Feb of 2000) so I haven't reach your point yet... but I feel your hurt. I don't know how to answer your question... but I'll pray for you.<P>When I do start my own... I will be blocking all email, and getting callerID, and I will tell my wife the only responses I can accept must start with "I am leaving the OM..." I do expect to get something like you've gotten as well... My time will come... I'm hopeful there will be people on the board who will lend their virtual shoulders for a good cry too.<P>Take a virtual hankie... then <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited October 30, 1999).]

Hi Cozy -<P>I'm so sorry that things are this way and the pain and shock you have - not to mention the confusion of not knowing what to do!!!<P>I see some positives with this email, though......The biggest one being that he is at least COMMUNICATING some of what he is feeling!!!! You may not realize what a BIG PLUS that is.<P>I think that you should respond to this letter....and I am talking REALLY respond!!!! Ask him things, explain your part or apologize for his take on your actions or words......<P>Really get to the heart of matters....<P>Talk with him like the partner and best friend that he was to you when you two first started the relationship.<P>What he says about the baby....then that "Are you Kidding?" about not existing..pure delusional thoughts!!!!<P>What about his doing that exact thing with you and the baby? HELLO!!!!<P>IS HE KIDDING?<P>Anyway, just a little vent coming out for me!!!!<P>What do you think? <P>I'd be more than happy to help respond if you need it....see what others think on the Plan B....I'm not the best one for knowing the ins and outs.<P>Just seems like a waste of a good opportunity to get some things out in the open and addressed being that he is talking!!!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Hi Cozy,<P>You know, sometimes when people say stuff (or type stuff....) - you have to look in to the "why" they said it, and not "what" they said.<P>Why he said what he said is: <P>A) He wants you to give him what he hasn't been getting from you in your plan B.<P>B) He wants to blame you for what he sees as a mistake to have started a relationship with this woman, and wants you to understand that the child is very important to him. He is very conflicted.<P>C) He wants you to know that he still wants from you what he had from you. But he wants his child too. <P>D) She is giving all this "affection" to him, but he is trying to justify receiving it because he wants you to believe that you are the cause of him receiving this affection. <P>E) He feels GUILTY. That is a good sign!

Used2B--<P>A definite ouch!! However, it also seems like a normal reaction from him in the scheme of things, judging from what I've learned here. He's whining for "some luvin'" from you (his thought--why should I come home to more conflict despite my feelings for you..that just hurts, whereas SHE is catering to my every need, it's EASIER...he's saying SHOW ME you love me and thinking I don't WANNA have to do any WORK here), he's blaming you (CAN'T be HIS fault this happened, therefore, must be yours), and does seem to have a definite attachment to the child. <P>I think Plans A and B are choices for personalities. Some people move from A to B as strategies or situations change. Some people go straight into Plan B if they simply can't tolerate the goings-on and need stipulations met in order to continue the relationship. Other people (I tend to think of them as the VERY patient ones) remain in Plan A for a long time. It's a choice of comfort level.<P>You Plan A'd it for a year. He's upset now that you're not as accessible. Well, poor baby. He's got some thinking to do, doesn't he? Help him along like you've been doing...you don't have to lovebust to remain firm in a Plan B...just make it absolutely clear to him that you love him and all those relationship benefits CAN and WILL return as soon as he makes his choice to break it off with OW. Maybe you're in a kind of Plan A-B since you're still in contact with him (e-mail).<P>What do you think you might do at this point?

Thank you for all your posts ane thoughts..<P>Im off to church this morning and will be back on after and try and answer questions, and also be looking for more answers..<P>I'll life you all up this morning in prayer for your compassions, and concerns...<P>Im learning to love you all.. cozy

used2Bcozy:<P>What your husband is telling you is based out of his anger, resentment, and confusion. You should listen to it, but don't take it to heart.<P>Plan B is for you. When you can't take anymore of the affair, it's a response to protect you. Your love for him. Your marriage. And yes, it can often throw the two of them (betrayer and OP) together. But that's not always bad---it helps hasten the end of the fantasy of the affair.<P>Yes, Plan B can have certain side effects. I was feeding one of them at 4 am this morning (or was it 3 am... ). But remember, you can't control your spouse---if you could, you wouldn't be going through this. Maintain your distance and your dignity. No lovebusting.

Hi - <P>So K, does that mean that it is not a good idea to respond to the letter...or use it as a communication opportunity?<P>I get confused with the do's and don'ts..is it possible to respond with honesty and love while ending with a reinforcement of Plan B?<P>I might be there soon and I need to know how to handle something like this, too!<P>HUGS and Thanks,<P>Sheba

Well Im back.... Someone asked why I got this e-mail.... I blew it and sent H one after talking to MIL.... She added to alot of the blanks that I've been wondering about lately and I was MAD...... He had been leading me to believe he was trying to find a way to cut the relationship off... I was getting alot of I love you's in my mail.... Then..POOF, back to OW's again... I can't count how many times this has happened!<P>Anyway, I was thinking today, that I'd like him to move in with OW and "TAKE CARE" of him, so that I can be the OW... Having an affair with my H would be wonderful... The fluffy part of our relationship was never the problem, and I know what she THINKS she's trying to steal......<P>BUT<P>When the H lover becomes the H husband it all stinks... He bit@h$s about everything... Has to be a controller, doesn't want to work...Been at his moms 7 months without contributing squat... and H is a BRAT and if he does make $$ its because he wants something....<P>Soooo OW has lots of money, she can take care of him...hehhee, maybe I'll become the mistress and we'll see how long she lasts...<P>Thats just a devious thought that has gone through my head all day..... I don't know what to do actually, but the thought sent me to the lingere' dept today to replace the old underthings... <P>Its terrible when I know I'd love him as a lover, but as a husband, I think I'd be better off without him... I have babies already, what I need is a contributing partner in this household and family.... How do you get that outta a rock?<P>cozy<BR>

Oh... Just checked my mail.... H does remember Plan A... LOOKIEEE<BR>_________________________________________<P>H wrote:<BR>you did very well during that time. you were awsome. <BR>but that went away, and you never regained it.<BR>its actually what drew me back to you.<P>__________________________________________<P>So my Plan A let him see what could be.. It does look like he doesnt understand this change thought... GEE I thought it would be odvious when I said, When SHE is gone I will be back...<P>So I guess I need a good to the point letter explaining why Im Plan B'ing (in other terms) and that I Will give again when I AM THE ONLY WOMAN in H's life... Yup that it... But then I have to deal with the Husband part of my dear lover....<P>Are any of you ever this crazy? I want and I dont want, all in the same breath... I still like the thought of having an affair with my H.... Wonder what H would think???? <P>cozy

Cozy -<BR>I think having an affair with your H isn't all it's cracked up to be. Just reinforces that all parts of the infidelity triangle suck. I have tried it over the last few weeks - H and I are separated, and he has his own apt, but very, very close to OW's place. I cannot stand the closeness of having him overnight occasionally, only to have him leave and be distant again. It does indeed suck to be the OW...<P>Sorry, not to rain on your parade, but I couldn't handle this, because it is so apparent to me that I want him as an H (lover, partner, best friend and father to our kids)not just a sometime lover. Be very careful of your own heart and feelings...<P>Starpony

Thanks for your insight.... I guess with baby 7 months old, the hormones are coming back and sleeping alone is NOT what its cracked up to be... Sooo he is busy having needs met by OW and here I am.... <P>I wonder how many years I could be single.. H may indeed just outta laziness end up with OW and then I'll have to deside whether or not he was worth it all in the first place...<P>Push the hormones outta the way and I may see that H isnt worth it.... Who knows?<P>cozy