My wife of 10 years started playing pool 6 months ago. At first it was a few hours a week and that grew into 20+ hours away from our family in bars "playing pool." She confessed a little over a month ago that she had an affair and I snooped on her email and found it was with her pool team captain. She said it had been over for a month.

I know that I contributed to issues leading to her infidelity and have been working towards meeting her emotional needs. She said that I have.

Since that time:
1. She would meet with some friends in the evening briefly at the local bar, including a couple male friends.
2. One male friend (**edit**) was leaving town and I cought her in his arms in her passanger seat. She told me first she was having an affair with him, but then him instead of the pool captain, but then retracted that story.
3. I checked her text records and noted that she had deleted all of pheel's records.
4. I came into the bar two days ago and saw her at the bar with the pool captain. I ended up attacking the guy and got kicked out. She told me later that she had not seen or talked to him in over a month.
5. Later that night she confessed to owning another cell phone. She said she used it to call pheel so I would not know. She said it is all innocent. They would flirt in the past but not anymore.

I told her (well demanded that she):
1. Stop all communications with **edit** and **edit**.
2. Stop going to bars without me (alone).

We have two children at home (5 and 16(stepson).

Needless to say, we had a couple arguements and I went to my brother's for the weekend with my 5 year old. She is out now at a bar.

I love her, but I don't want to live with a wife I cannot trust and who goes to bars by herself and has male friends she communicates with on a separate phone.

I could really use some advice, both immediate and long term.

She is having affairS with more than one man.

She is lying to you.

Do not believe a word she says.


1. Go home. Tell her that you are going to keep the child, and she can either stop going to the bars immediately, turn over ALL cell phones to you, and stop all contact with other men, or leave. (If she leaves, you keep the apt. Tell her that the child needs a stable place, it is the child's home, and on Monday morning, you need to get an attorney and file for temporary custody order.)


Whether she stays or goes:
2. EXPOSE HER BEHAVIOR TO EVERYONE. Do NOT warn her that you are going to do this. Here's how:

Call her parents right now. Tell them what she has done, and ask them for their support in getting your marriage on track. Do NOT put her down, or disparage her affair partners. Just say that the affairs are devastating your marriage, you want to save the marriage, and that you need her to stop going to the bars and stop seeing the OM in order to try to salvage the marriage.

Then, call her siblings, your parents, your siblings, and everyone else who you might think would need to know. If you know the OM, call his wife or girlfriend and let her know.

3. Be ready for your wife to say, "Well, I was going to work it out with you, but now that you told everybody, this is it, it's over." She may say a lot of things. Be ready for her to be angry and say many dumb things. Do not listen to any of them. You respond:

"I did this to save our marriage. Our marriage can survive you being angry. It cannot survive you having other men in the middle of it." THEN WALK AWAY.

4. Do not contact the OM again.

5. If you WW (wayward wife) tries to do anything but apologize and talk about how to fix the marriage, tell her that you want to repair the marriage, and are willing to talk about ways to do that "when she stops having her affairs".

6. If she stays in the house, do not engage in arguments. Do your best to use what is called PLAN A. Read about it on this website.


Get home now.

Start your exposure when you get there.


SB

Find out if the om are married AND EXPOSE TO THEIR WIVES..and get thee post haste to a doc and be tested for stds'.

Expose expose expose. and if she gets worse, or refuses to stop her DESTRUCTIVE behaviors (I mean...she may be becoming an alcoholic too, and do you want a woman like that driving your kids around??She could kill them) then when she goes out for a drink or to "Play Pool" (heck, I thought that stuff was called playing doctor!), then she returns to find her belongings out in the yard, and the locks changed.

Might I also suggest a PI as this woman is engaging in very very risky behviors which need to be documented legally, in case she does get worse, and you ever have to go to court. A judge would rip to shreds a mom who prefers to go to bars to get laid and get drunk rather than a mom who loves her husband and children and is home with them. She'd go down in flames in court.

You need to expose and do it THIS WEEKEND. Give NO WARNING FIRST.

Do not be afriad to do exposure..instead, look at it like this..

BE VERY VERY AFRAID IF YOU DO NOT DO EXPOSURE, because your ww will turn into a head-spinning, demon, spewing verbal vomit and pea soup at you at all times, and will become a far worse parent than the one (if you call it that at all) she is now. Be afraid of how much WORSE SHE WILL BECOME IF YOU DON'T EXPOSE.

Don't live with a wife whom you cannot trust and has zero respect for you.

Does she drive while intoxicated?

1. Put a GPS on her vehicle and know where she is at all times.
2. EXPOSE her adultery to friends and family. (AFTER you've placed the snooping devices on car/computer/phone)
3. Seek legal assistance from a GREAT family law attorney. Find out if it is in YOUR best interest to file for separation or divorce and seek physical custody.
4. If you know she drives after drinking, you should ask the local sheriff/police if they have any suggestions for installing a breathalyzer device so that the car will not start if she is intoxicated.
5. Turn off the family money spigot. Cancel joint credit cards. Move jointly held monies to an account where she cannot spend it in bars.

6. Finally .... NEVER NEVER NEVER physically attack the OM again.
You cannot be there for your 5 and 16 year olds if you've been arrested.
EXPOSE the affair to his wife or his girlfriend.

Meanwhile .... Plan A the carrot too.
You wield the stick like a family warrior .... but not directly in WW's face until you're all set up to EXPOSE without warning.

Read the carrot/stick link in my sig line.

Remember.
Never "threaten" exposure.
Never "threaten" to file for divorce (or separation or custody).
You just do it.
All the while Plan A like a man wooing her.

Good luck !

Any response to these great posts to you, TroubledHusband?

Troubled, I agree with the repsonses to your question. There are some very hard things you need to do right now if you want to save your marriage.

Your wife will of course be furious about the exposure. Remember your marriage can survive her anger (which will dissipate), but your marriage cannot survive her affairs.

For your own health and sanity and for the stability of your family, please follow the steps above outlined by Pepperband.

Let us know what happens. I am also a BS (betrayed spouse)and new to this message board. People will tell you to draw a hard line, and they are correct. Don't let that dissuade you.