Another way to look at this is that a halfway exposure is unlikely to lead to reconciliation because it is unlikely to be effective in killing the affair. Usually it has the opposite effect in that it causes more problems than it purports to solve.

Just know that if your wife is serious about reconciliation, exposure will not stop her. Wild horses will not stop her.

No luck looking up phone #.

Have a list of names from Facebook, but white page listings are empty.

And I hear the logic, but I know my wife, as well as the estranged nature of the in-laws, they barely and rarely talk, and there is no credence given when they do speak.

So, reality is....."the field of right people" is few and the best hope she's already and on ongoingly is rejecting her input.

Devoted,

If I can chime in here, because I would not have a marriage right now w/ out listening to mel, marital, etc. (and I didn't do it perfect, either).

I, too, thought we had NO ONE to expose to....haven't spoken to family in years, very few friends, etc.

I exposed to:

*W's aunt, uncle, 2 closest work colleagues (work affair)
*our children
*OMs mom, brother, 2 sisters, EMPLOYER

OM was fired from job within 2 HOURS of boss receiving exposure letter. Om went apesxxt at work, and toward my W.

Letting the 'world' know destroyed any hope that there would be any future between my W and this OM -- fantasy killed, done.

My W was spitting mad, angry, threatened divorce, moving out, etc. all the usual crap...this lasted for a weekend. Then done.

When W called family to 'complain' about my exposing -- how could I??? -- you know what their response was???

1. if you would've ended this on your own, the right way, H wouldn't have had to do this.
2. if you don't like the consequences, you shouldn't have had an affair
3. your H is simply fighting for his marriage and his family

THERE WERE NO ALLIES FOR HER -- REGARDLESS IF THE MARRIAGE WAS "BAD" BEFORE. NO ALLIES FOR ADULTERY!!!

That takes the oxygen right out...

Oh, OMs mommy called me too -- what a great conversation...let's just say after that, I knew my W's relationship w/ OM was over, and she wouldn't be getting invited to any family get togethers with OM anytime soon...oh, the things OMs mommy said about my wife.

And, I mentioned to my W, when I did file for divorce, I would be requesting the house, full custody...and subpeona the OM and all phone/work records, etc. that showed proof of the affair.

As was explained to me -- too many times before I listened -- exposure will not end your marriage....but an affair will.

The ONLY way to have a CHANCE to salvage your marriage?

EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE.

(BTW -- Mel's right, and unbelievably so -- a repentant wife committed to recovery is an incredible force. Can you believe that sometimes it is my W carrying me, the BS, through the tough days of recovery???).

Expose.

Reality is.... The longer you wait the more damage gets done. The more the affair gets entrenched.

Stop letting fear control you. Exposure does not work if not done fully. Many WW won't listen to much after exposure. Though fear and will still react to exposure because they fear that people will know that they are acting as a woman of low morals (slut).

to second TheRoad:

I could've/should've exposed in December....I waited till March.

we're in recovery, but would've been a whole lot better, a bit further along, if I hadn't waited.

Get it done -- then you'll know who is truly pro-marriage, pro-family and who is not.

Thats ok, most relatives are estranged in these situations. Thats ok. We know your wife too, and more than that, we know how affairs are busted up.

...if I knew how effective exposure would be (even though it seems so counter-intuitive) I would've done an even more sweeping exposure...a billboard would be pushing it, but I would've done it if it meant saving my marriage and keeping my family intact.

I am still embarrassed and regretful I didn't listen to mel, marital, etc. earlier, and they probably still think I am an idiot for hesitating, especially since seeing the results since march (not perfect, but progress).

Shed light on it, and it will die. maybe not immediately, but the affair will not be able to sustain itself and crush under the weight of what is good, not evil.

DD, with the facebook contacts, you will just send them a private message using the template I gave you. What are you checking the white pages for? For the OMW's phone #? If you can't get a # for her, you can send her a facebook message and ask her to call you.

What is the issue between your wife and her family members?

helpfordads, thanks for coming over and encouraging DD! You are awesome!

Thanks, Mel.

Time to pay it forward and help others not make the mistake of hesitating to do what needs to be done to kill an affair.

Hope you are well.

DD -- you can do this, and if you want to save your marriage, you must.

Good luck.

And I will add this

if the family has such little input into your W's life, exposing to them won't do anything negative for ya....so there is no reason to not do it with them. Same all other possible exposure points.

I agree with reading's reasoning. And even if they have very little influence over your WW, they can have a huge impact on the affair and be a great support to you. You will also gain support for YOURSELF from her family.

We have actually had mother-in-laws who singlehandedly busted up the affair!! MrW's mother in law ran off the OM herself by calling him up and threatening him. Affair ended that day!!

If my DIL called me up and told me my son was having an affair, you can bet I would be raising holy hell on the affair.

DD,

It pains me to write this, but when OMs mommy called me, she had much to say, including:

*"my son would never do such a thing"
*"I hope your W is seeing professional help"
*"your W was the instigator here, not my son"
*"maybe I'll contact your jobs and have you both fired, too"

and, as we ended the conversation:

*"I'll talk to my son....you both need to leave us alone and please don't ever send me a letter or contact me again"


Does that sound like the affair had any future after that??? And that wasn't even anyone related to my W -- not even family or friends!

Exposure works.

As ML indicated, "Exposure should be done with precision and thought to get the best outcome."

I intend to do just that.

Bare with me, because I am envisioning a lot of preperation, including legal counsel for a risk assessment of defending against a suite, baseless as it may be, responding , retaining counsel and defending to get it dismissed because there is no loser pays concept. =. $$$$

NG,

Where's your list of who/how to expose?

DD needs it, stat!

This was my reply when they threatened to sue me for libel/slander.

'Go right ahead! Thank you in advance for providing me with further evidence of your affair with your phone records, email logs etc both privately and from you place of employment that we will subpoena during discovery. Didn't expect additional evidence would be that easy to get, again thank you! '

Never heard a peep of that again. They may threaten, but has the truth ever gotten anybody sued? That is just all empty, the harder they bark, the better your job at busting hte affair was!

Now, Dad. Don't be hard on yourself. Granted, you WERE one of our tougher posters to drag on board with the concept of exposure . I admit I still have a few dents on my forehead from repeated exposure to the brick wall.

But you did it, and saved your marriage! You're a hero to your wife! Good on ya! I'm hoping for a similar outcome for DD.

On what grounds? Telling the truth? Tell them to bring it on!

Get your exposure done.

I was threatened with a lawsuit by OW and told her to go ahead and I would countersue her for all sorts of things. I never heard boo about it again.

The best defense for such a suit....is that what you exposed was truth.

Its a common ploy to shut a person up. Just be forewarned you probably will hear threats like that once the exposure is done.

Remember.....excorsist worthy threats meant to shut you up and control your actions.