Howdy, folks. Things are going okay at the MM ranch. My wife and I are recovering, according to Dr. Harley's guidelines, but I'm kind of down in the dumps. I look back upon the last 4 months and see a lot of growth, and re-commitment, but I'm sad that it had to come to this. It is so true that you can never put the Genie back into the lamp. I love my wife, but it's not with the same intensity and depth. Problem is, that she says she loves me MORE than ever before, and is totally mine forever. Some of you older posters can maybe answer this. Will I ever feel as much in love as I did before the affair?

Good question. I've been in the dumps too.

I've described the act of sticking around after ones wife cheats equal to eating a poo sandwich. It tastes bad but with kids in the picture it's the meal of choice. Somehow, the vets may say, youll acquire a taste for it and perhaps start to actually LOVE it.

Sorry for the crude analogy but the road has been rough for me too. And my dday is now almost 6 months ago. And, like you, my wife is 100% remorseful and is still maintaining the highest levels of commitment, dedication, and, actions to fortify the marriage she nearly destroyed.

I'm following your saga closely as it mirrors mine in many respects.

MM,

I think all BS's feel some of that I think because when we started in the marriage we had an illusion of what it was and what the guidelines were and the morals it was based on.
When something happens to break that illusion the thought about the marriage are different, the parts that you thought were steadfast are gone, they are the very things that the foundation of our marriages are made of...........Trust, belief in the partner, Honesty.......the list goes on..............
We forgive our spouses the act of having an affair and even can understand the state of the marriage that may have contributed to the thinking that was the start of it all............
But accepting who they are now is harder for us, we had them in a place in our mind and heart and now they don't seem to fit there.....
It is hard to believe that it happened in the first place and it now is a possiblility it could happen again........past history has shown the illusion of it not happening is now over........
I think we love our spouses like we always have and we are grateful that they now have come to their senses and things are great but I think we now approach them with an underlining of disappointment.........
A disbelief they can be someone other than the illusion we had of them........
I feel this still and it has been almost 2 years.......I guess it is the blind trust thing that now has a part of it that understands it is possible...........
I try to look at it this way, our relationship is forever changed so expecting it to be the same is probably silly on my part.
I think it will take more time but I am hoping that will go away in time, it does happen on occassion where I feel it, but I am not there all the time yet.
Look at it with faith and enjoy what you do have, and know that it is different but different is good too.............

This why posters are better off sometimes not starting a new thread. No byline either.

So I have know idea how far post dday, or NC, or any details remembered.

So I will quess four months NC. Any way recovery is a two to five year process. At four months things are raw and that is normal.

MM, another opportunity for a NG analogy, whether or not it is appropriate.

Several years ago I was splitting wood when a chip flew off the sledge-hammer head and pierced my left forearm, down to the bone. Hurt like he77, bled like crazy. Went to a surgeon, had it removed and sewn up. No functtional damage to the limb.

But....I have an awful looking scar as a result, and my arm will never be as "lovely" as it had been previously. That's just the new reality.

You and FWW will always have that scar in your union. It will fade over time (I used this line in another thread: "from THE thing in your lives to A thing in your life").

Every day she should be assuring you of her new devotion to your marriage. With new experiences replacing the painful ones, you'll learn that the new union can be better than the old.

Good to hear from you again, MM.

ETC: "I will fade over time," to "It will fade over time." (NG will NEVER fade, much like an unfortunate tattoo!)

mirrormirror, you don't want the old marriage back, but something better. My feelings for my husband now are much stronger and more intense they ever were. You should expect your feelings to be stronger than they were before because most couples were not using these principles before the affair.

Hi, again. I was down last night, so I posted to get it out there, and not in my mind. My wife has been amazing since D-day, she literally jumps through hoops to show me love and attention, and has faced her issues with a lot of courage. She does all Dr. Harley asks of a WS and much more. We spend almost all of our free time together now, and she is loading up the credits in our love bank. I did sign the post-nup and it is in my SDB at the bank. She is a little more submissive than I would like, but we are working on it. All in all, I never thought we would be this far advanced, at this point in time, and sometimes I DO feel in love with her, but sometimes it's hard to see beyond the past.

mm, I'm glad you got that vent out, but you have to remember that you are still in the early days of recovery. What you're feeling is a normal response in a betrayed spouse.

It took me quite a while to stop looking back. I had to come to terms with the fact that looking back did nothing but keep me mired in the past, dwelling in those awful days pre- and post-D-Day.

I can promise you that, if you will allow it, these feelings will subside.

My H's A is a dim memory now. At one time it stood out in stark relief and superceded everything. Time and recovery have eased that.

Concentrate on what's going on NOW. Are you getting in your UA hours each week? Concentrating on O&H and total transparency? Using the POJA? These actions will help you tremendously.

It now seems that the major obstacle to recovery is her family, particularly her father and sister. They are both fundamentalist "Christians", but are completely intolerant of human error. My wife has done everything humanly possible to atone, but they are having non of it. I have told both of them that until they act like true Christians, they are un-welcome in our home. This, unfortunately, fuels my wife's guilt and remorse.

I'm sorry about that because I know your wife is sincere in her actions, but this is collateral damage from the affair over which she has no control.

Her parents have a right to act according to their faith. If this is how they choose to act, you both need to respect that.

I think it's a load of horse-pucky, personally. I don't think Jesus would be coming down on her as hard as they have, and I always try to follow His lead and not upstage the Big Guy. I think you were within your place to inform them that they weren't welcome in your home. Now your wife needs to straighten up and settle down. This is fallout. She needs to accept that and not dwell on it. There is nothing more she can do for her parents - the only acceptable thing for them would be for her to change her past behavior, and you both know she can't do that.

Too bad they do NOT act according to their faith. They call themselves CHRISTIANS that means followers of Christ.
Here is what Christ said:

And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst,

4They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

5Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

6This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not.

7So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.

8And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground.

9And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.

10When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?

11She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.
12Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.

Remember, Jesus' teaching and purpose when he said, "Let he among you who is without sin throw the first stone." (Reportedly, his next line was, "Mom, put down that rock!", but I digress.)

There can be many factors keeping the condemnation alive in their hearts. They might feel as though FWW's actions reflect on their family name; it might be that knowing of her "fall" uncomfortably reminds them of the imperfections within ALL humans (including themselves); they may feel betrayed as they feel she lied to them (actively or passively) as well as to you. There are other possibilities.

None of these causative factors are consistent with true Christian teaching and doctrine. Hopefully, their inner turmoil about that will be great enough to incent them to seek enlightenment from their clergy. You, however, cannot be that counsellor. All you can do is model the true Christian principles of granting forgiveness when appropriate, conducting your marriage with great vigor going forward, and comforting your spouse when her family's attitudes cause her additional pain.

You're correct, HH. I should have said: Her parents have a right to act according to their interpretation of their faith.

I think it is a skewed interpretation, but that's not my place to judge. Thank you for the scripture that illustrates this. MM's wife is 'sinning no more'. I think it's unfortunate that her parents have taken this tack.

I agree that these people are not acting according to the Christian faith. mirrormirror, you have done the right thing in defending her and protecting her from this. What they are doing is not right.

Thanks, folks. I agree with all of you. Trouble is, my wife is so completely remorseful and humiliated by the A, that their attitude triggers her sense of self-loathing, and she will cry for hours. By defending her, yes, I'm the hero, but it makes her feel more submissive and powerless, which I don't want. My family, on the other hand, have been aces.

MM,

I have told both of them that until they act like true Christians, they are un-welcome in our home

Perhaps we need to recognize that the same torment you felt about the affair they felt as well, you are not bound to a recover schedule and neither are they.

To a degree your W's A has made all the pre-affair memories they have contaminated, they have to start at 0 again too.

You are lucky to have in-laws who support you, many would turn a blind eye, be indifferent, enable or actively support an affair.

My MIL is a good example, EVERYONE in my FIL family knew what he was doing, but kept their mouths shut for DECADES.

God Bless
Gamma