I'm a FWW, now BW. I had an internet EA that my H never let go of. There was NC in place, I have not spoken to this person for 14 years, nor do I have ANY interest in renewing any sort of relationship with that person or a new person. I'm an open book, he can access anything of mine and in fact, I spent many years not even socializing so as to not hear more accusations of cheating.

For 14 years now, he always brings it up. Every single argument, every single disagreement.

3 years ago, he started an affair. From the beginning it was a PA. Back and forth between me and her. Many FRs, a lot of lying, verbal abuse, etc. He has told me it's revenge, and then said it's not revenge.

NC was finally put into place in July. I think it's too late, though. I am so angry, I don't want him anywhere near me.

Whenever we talk about recovery, and I tell him it's too late, he keeps asking WHY did I beg him to come back. It's irritating as he!!.

Is this salvageable?

Yes, it is salvagable. But you have to first agree to never bring up the affairs again and affair proof your marriage. That means no social networking, no nights apart, no opposite sex friendships, no lunches with co workers of the opposite sex, etc. Complete transparency with email and cell phones, etc.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? I would get that and follow the program in there.

Has all contact ended with his affair partner? If the OW is married, does her husband know?

Here is an overview of that it will take to recover your marriage:

here

Treah,

So sorry you are here....but you have come to the right place.

It is recoverable.....but it will take work. You have to follow the plan, listen to the Vets, and keep posting.

The PA and your EA can not be used as weapons to win arguments.....make that choice right now. You can not use it....it is hard. I am a BH who's WW uses everything I do or don't do against me.....but I never bring up her PA. Recovery requires that.

Good luck.

Too bad you did not find MB three years ago. Though it is not too late. First thing you need to do is get the Surviving and Affair book.

Then WH must be as transparent as you.

How did WH meet the OW?

Yes, if he has ended all contact for life with his AP and is willing to work on rebuilding.

Has the affair been exposed?

CV

The OW was his former high school girlfriend. Divorced, 2 teenagers.

As for exposure, not effective in this case. I stopped socializing because of his constant accusations, even when he was with me, due to his claiming I was even "going after" his friends. So he had years to put in his friends heads that I was a b!tch. When he started bringing the OW to his friends houses and out with them, it was just his moving on to a better relationship. When I told MIL, she just said I should start dating.

The affair is over now. She doesn't want him.

My problem is I'm angry. I can't even describe how angry I am. Why does he get to cat around and destroy me and then just come back and act like nothing happened? 2.5 years of him treating her like a queen, wining and dining and gifts. Of him taking her out for a nice evening, SF at her house and then coming home to my bed! It's not fair and it's not right!!!!

He has anger issues and takes it out on me and blames the affair on me. Every apology is followed by "but" or "because" or "you did". He drinks too much and I get to take care of him while he acts like a jerk.

He still lies, even when I have proof. I *know* he did things for her kids, for her, and he denies it all. He won't come clean about anything.

Treah,

Has anyone asked you yet what YOU want? What would you like?

If you want to repair your marriage, polygraph his butt, lay some hard rules and tell him life changes one way or the other... he does EPs, he shapes up and changes his 'tude he comes clean 100% and owns up to what he did, or... He's out.

CV

No, no one asks what I want. I've been trying to get him to leave since June, but he won't leave.

I'm so angry I don't know what I want. The anger is clouding everything. I recognize that, but I still can't see past it.

I gave him a list of things to do, including coming here and asking for help, and going to AA, but he hasn't done any of it. I feel like he's just waiting for me to give in and become the Plan A wife again without any demands being met, and that makes me angrier. When I ask why he hasn't done any of it, I get lame excuses like he's too busy looking for a job, or there's no time.

I should probably add that even before the affair, the marriage wasn't good. He has always had anger/drinking issues. I put up with it because I screwed up (EA), so I took everything he gave me, I felt like I deserved it.

I'm not going back to that. No way. His affair opened my eyes. I do NOT have to live like that.

Treah,

Yes your relationship is salvageable, keep reading on this site, there is bound to be quite a few threads that will offer you hope when you read them.

Be sure to read the betrayed husband threads as well to gain an understanding of how your H feels. I know that doesn't sound right, but if he....

For 14 years now, he always brings it up. Every single argument, every single disagreement.

.....then he never really recovered from your EA, did he get all of his questions about the EA answered truthfully? I know because of my W's shame over what she did it's like pulling teeth to get my questions answered.

Perhaps polygraphs for the both of you.

God Bless
Gamma

I've been reading here for a while. It all sounds so good, and up until May, I was doing everything I could to save my marriage. The "straw" for me was our anniversary, Mothers day and my birthday (in May) when we went out for the evening, he spent all night texting OW. On Mother's day, he brought OW a card, visited her and left me home with the kids with not even so much as a hug. Being ignored on a regular day is bad enough, but to take SPECIAL days and do it?

For what it's worth, I've been volunteering for a polygraph for YEARS.

My suggestion would be to prioritize.

Is he currently drinking? He will probably need that before you can work on the affair.

He is. He's been claiming he's going to start AA "soon" but he's yet to go. He's also reading this thread.

Tell him to stay on his own and off yours for a while.

Treah,

Ask yourself why he would want to read your thread...? He must still care about you.

You need to sit him down and putnsome hard demands and EP in place. First of which is his drinking. He must control that before you can ,ove to other issues.

Stay strong if you want to save the marriage. Both of you will have to work, you will do most of the work at first....and by most,I mean almost ALL.

Keep posting.... CV and others will help you the best they can.

He's made his own thread and I told him to stay on his own.

How do I get rid of the anger, resentment, whatever it is.

My mind just keeps going over the last 14 years, of my EA being thrown in my face every chance he got, no matter what I did. I apologized, took precautions to make sure it never happened again, NC, etc. He believes what other people tell him (people who hate me), or what *he* thinks happened and not me. Offering the polygraph leads to nothing but him claiming I'll probably be able to trick that, too.

Then he has a PA for YEARS, throwing her in my face, making statements like I was the worst mistake he ever made and she was his soul mate, he's loved her the entire time we've been married and we should never have gotten married. And he just wants it forgotten. We're even now, he's said before.

Right now, I feel like he's only here because I'm the *only* option. He has no job, nowhere to go.

How do you get over that?

Treah,

I know a little about how you feel. My WW told me she wished we had waited, that we were too young. She told me she had no feelings for me, but that she longed for the touch of OM..... These are hurtful statements by Waywards who are in a deep fog. Foggy WS speak in anger and double speak. Don't give those words power.

If you decide to stay and work the plan, it will test every piece of will power you have.... He will have to work as well, but you will do most if not all the work in the early stages.

As for the anger..... I took a bat to an old metal chair. The chair took an A** beating and it felt good. I have also driven into the country, pulled over, faced the house and screamed at her and him as loud as I could. Release the anger, it will control you.... Others may have suggestions.

God Bless. Keep working, it does get better.

Time. It will take 6 months to breathe normally again. 1 year to begin to see straight. By 18 months you start calming down and can actually begin to get some confidence. For a lot of folks, 2 years and their marriage is on track again.

It takes a LOT of hard work. He will have a lot to deal with. He needs to get clean and come completely clean first though. Remember... You aren't the only option for him, you are the best option. Even if he's too foggy to see it. Stand up for yourself, be strong and set tight boundaries for him and yourself.

CV

Thank you all for taking the time to post. You all are great.

If it matters at all, he's only quit drinking 4 times since I've known him. Right after my EA (right before it was a bad binge), right before he started his PA, and when he was detoxed last year (1 week sober) and he realized that OW was his true love and he shouldn't have married me. Now is the most recent, as of today, he's 4 days sober (I think... I don't have the motivation or interest to play scavenger hunt for the vodka bottles anymore, so he could be lying again).

There is so much more than the affair. So much more than just the revenge portion. I probably should have posted this somewhere else, like the marriage building forum. He "dared" me to post my EA, thinking you all were going to trash me as he has, so I put it here.

If it were just the affairs, maybe. But it's not, it's 15 years of alcoholism, verbal abuse, lies, manipulation and control. It's me telling myself that this was the bed I made, and dealing with it.

For him to take all the good he was withholding from me and give it to someone else, that broke me. It's one thing to think that you ruined a person and because of the damage you caused, you must live with the abuse. It's a whole other thing to find out, he's not ruined, he just didn't care enough about you to treat you with any respect.

I keep reading how Plan B forces the affairees to have to meet each other's needs and the affair crumbles. WH's A thrived when they were living together. The only need he was getting from me was paying his bills and filling out his paperwork and he admitted himself that the only reason he kept coming back for SF was to keep me from moving on and dating, because I'm his (property).

I can't move past it. When he asks what I want, I want totally unreasonable things. I want him to beg and cry like he made me do. I want him to grovel, like he did to OW when she tried ending it. I want him to stand in front of me and cry inside while I verbally abuse him, because tears would just piss me off more. I want him to make a statement so I can twist the meaning and make it an insult and then yell at him for insulting me. I want to make him cry, and when he goes to another room to hide it from the kids, announce to the kids that's what's he's doing, because that's all he knows how to do.

I won't enjoy seeing any of that, and I'll lose all respect I have for him as a man if I see it, but my taker likes thinking about it, a lot. My giver is dead.

I apparently ruined the marriage when I had my EA. We should have divorced then. Instead I was made to feel like I was the worst human being on earth and deserved to be treated badly, and I believed it. Maybe the anger is clouding this, if there was good, I can't remember any of it right now.

FWIW, I'm not having nor contemplating an affair.

It's not fair to tell someone they have to become a completely different person, so I won't. He was able to make OW fall in love with him, so it's there somewhere, just not for me.

Sorry this post is all over the place, my brain is going in hundreds of different directions.