You'll get no argument from me on this, PSUBIKER. It puzzles me, the many posts I read where it seems the poster is waiting for God to come to the rescue and make it all better. My experience has been that He doesn't work that way. He gives tools and expects His humans to use them. Tools such as this site. And posters like you.

I'm not saying this is you, marksaysay. I would just like you to remember that God does open doors. But He also expects His humans to use the common sense He gave them to grab the handle and turn the knob themselves.

I guess in terms of my marriage, divorce, custody, and everything else, what haven't I done. After realizing moving out for a 'trial seperation' was a mistake (before I knew there was infidelity), I tried.to plan a from a distance. I followed Matthew 18: 15-17 to deal with the infidelity once I found out. I exposed. I went into plan b. I've hired a lawyer to help fight for my daughter. I snooped and found tons of incriminating evidence that everyone now tells me does minimal for.me in my custody case.

I wouldn't exactly say I've done nothing. Its just that nothing I've done has helped. This is what I mean when I say what good are my efforts. What I do know is what I CAN'T do, God can. That's the definition of a miracle. And God does still perform miracles.

Have you considered that God's will is being done right now? That what is happening to you right now is working perfectly according to His plan for you?

Sometimes people want something so badly that they assume God automatically wants them to have it. God DOES want what is best for you. But what He has in mind for you and your DD and what YOU want may not be the same thing.

You sound like someone who earnestly strives to keep their relationship with God a close one. Try this, mark, if you haven't already: if you are pleading with God to deliver a miracle or intervene, go to Him tonight instead with praise for His Infinite Wisdom and give Him thanks and praise for the goodness He has given you so far in your life. Thank Him and praise Him for the gifts He will be giving you today and from now on. Change the way you approach God - from a person with a Wish List to a person with a Praise List.

Just something for you to think about, mark.

I actually stopped praying for my marriage a long time ago. I have been thanking God for what he has done (if you all only knew). I even joined the worship team at my church. I have been praying that God continue to work on me. My prayer for my wife has been that he bring her back to him. Nothing else matters until that happens.

I made the moving out mistake too. It's not insurmountable. Very rarely does one piece of evidence sway the case - custody cases are built brick by brick. There are lots of things you are (or could) be doing that would help your case AND benefit the kids. You can first start by asking some questions about yourself. The judge will be asking you these questions too.

1. What are your ideas for an ideal custody arrangement?

2. Why do you think you plan is in the best interest of the kids?

3. HOw will you execute your custody plan?

4. What are your qualtities that you bring to the table as a parent?

5. What are your weaknesses as a parent?

6. What's your strategy for promoting the child's relationship with the mother?

I haven't considered it. I know it. Romans 8:28 says, "For ALL THINGS work together for the good of them that love God and are called according to his purpose." I came to understand this many, many months ago. So yes, I know that what is happening right now is part of God's plan. What I don't know is what the outcome will be.


Yes, I know. That's why my prayer has been for the ability and strength to accept whatever he allows. I've come a long way. It doesn't bother me to know that ww is with someone else as it once did. I've accepted that because i knew i couldnt' change it. I know that something good will come out of all of this. A lot of good has already come. My faith has increased. My understanding of so many things in scripture has increased. My understanding of marriage and being a husband, my understanding of my shortcomings, even my understanding of my wife, etc...I will never be the same.



I've been praising God for a while now. That won't stop...

You're not supposed to know. Can you accept that and be at peace with not knowing until the time comes for you to know? No. You're still asking Him for stuff. I would like to suggest that you work very hard to deliver a prayer of praise to Him.

If you think about it long enough, you're going to come up with a list of things that you are grateful for that will tie God up for quite a while. He's cool with that, though - He's got an infinite amount of time to hear prayers.

Write your ideas down as you think of them. What are you thankful for? Write them down. It's been my experience that God doesn't have a problem with crib notes.

Humans are acquiring creatures. We WANT things. It's easy to ask God for things, and to forget what we already have in our drive to have more.
Switch this up, mark. Carry a note pad with you and write down everything you're thankful for as you think of it. Use your list to deliver thanks and praise to God when you are in your moments of quiet with Him. I think it will help you.

Yeah, I'm okay with not knowing. If I knew, it wouldn't be faith.

I understand exactly what you're saying. To be honest, one of the most fulfilling and moving experiences over the last year happened about 3 months ago. On that night, I began to think about all that I did have to be thankful for. That night I couldn't help but cry tears of happiness as I spent about 20-30 minutes doing what you've suggested. The funny thing was the more I thanked him, the more reasons came to mind. In a word, it was truly an AWESOME experience.

I do indeed appreciated your thoughts and concern. I think I will actually take your advise and seek out another humbling experience like that. It was liberating.

Pretty amazing, isn't it.

But mark, please don't expect Him to ride to the rescue and make it all better. Remember: He doesn't work that way. Use the brains He's given you and the angels (like PSUBIKER) that He's put in your path. Put your hand in His and enjoy the ride. THAT is true faith, I believe.

So I found out ww had filed bankruptcy. I was wondering if anyone has any experience with custody battle (which has just begun - my initial meeting with GAL on 11/10 which ironically is the anniversary of her filing) and bankruptcy. How does all of the affect the divorce process? I've sent my lawyer these same questions but I'd love here from those with experience while I await his response.

I filed for bankruptcy while the divorce was pending. Here are the effects:

1. No affect on custody. Don't even think about bringing it up in the custody hearing

2. She will have to declare all joint debts. Her accountabily for those debts will be discharged and everything will be on you. You won't be able to get her to pay some of those discharged debts in the property settlement either because the bankruptcy trumps the divorce decree.

3. Nothing on the property division side can get completed until her bankruptcy is discharged.

4. Was it chapter 7 or chapter 13 bankruptcy? Huge difference. Chapter 7 wipes out everything. Chapter 13 puts you on a payment plan. A means test determines what you are eligible for. You want to get at a minimum temporary orders for custody and child support in before the bankruptcy. In my case, without paying child support, I would have been chapter 13. With child support I paid included, I qualified for chapt 7.

5. If I were you, I would consider bankruptcy too.

6. If both of you file for bankruptcy, it makes property division much easier - there are no debts to divide and you are not taking from Peter to pay Paul on the final settlement.

7. One mistake we made was exWW and I filing for bankruptcy separate. ExWW was not able to scrape up enough funds to pay a lawyer until about 8 months after I filed my bankruptcy. It ended up delaying the property division by about a year.

Honestly? Bankruptcy gets a bad rap. It nukes your credit but it also allows you to rebuild - just running up debt while your credit rating tanks is much worse. I ended up filing for chapter 7 therefore wiping out all debts. We built a horse training and boarding business on debt and when she had her affair, all our business went elsewhere with no cashflow to pay the loans. Look at it as a bad business write off.

Fortunately, the only debts wiped out was credit card debt and business loans. All real debt (mortgage, cars, tractor, etc) was either sold and the loan paid in full or retained in the bankruptcy. The best money I ever spent was the 2K for the bankruptcy lawyer.

Here are some things I did prior to the bankruptcy:

- found an apartment to live in with a long enough lease to get me at least a year out from the discharge

- bought a car to replace my car that was falling apart and retained the new car as part of the bankruptcy. Bankruptcy court did not bat an eye - the car and my apartment where well within what someone with my means could reasonably expect to own. Don't go buying a 90K Porsche or a McMansion - that will raise a lot of eyebrows. Just be reasonable and show you are being reasponsible with money. They will work with you.

- I filed before my divorce started to get really expensive with lawyer fees. My lawyer knows he isn't going to be stiffed by a bankruptcy.

I filed in July 2009, I was discharged in Oct 2009 so I am two years out. In Aug 2010, I rented a really nice townhouse. While I was looking, the realtors all said I was a prime candidate for renting because I had no debt. It made me a very viable candidate for a renter. In March 2009, I got two credit cards with about a $250 limit on both. I always keep a $50 balance on each every month. In two years since my discharge, me credit score has gone from 500 to just a hair under 700. If I wanted to, I could qualify for a very competitive mortgage with the USDA with no money down to buy my townhouse. I haven't yet because of my custody battle but it is in my long term plans.

Bottom line, it's not the end of the world.

The interesting thing about the bk is most of her things are nothing. Most of the major things were not joint debt. Because of her bad credit and previous bk, a lot of things were only in my name including the house and several of my credit cards. How can she be cleared of those if they don't show up?