i'm new here but have read lots of posts. get lost in long threads and haven't found anything right on topic.

dday was four months ago. WH says and seems very relieved to have been caught. says he wanted to end affair for a long time but was afraid of my reaction, thought i'd divorce him, etc. the OW is crazy and won't stop trying to contact him. i am certain he has had no contact with her because i don't think he's that crazy. i believe that he is glad to be rid of her. she now attempts contact about every two weeks via VM or email at his office. i have access to both, as well as to his phone and facebook.

i confronted him two weeks after i found out. i contacted lawyer and saw a counselor first. we've been in joint counseling since then.

i haven't confided in any friends or family because i don't want to get a divorce. we're both 60 and i'd prefer not to be alone or start over. WH doesn't want divorce either. i don't want my friends to feel sorry for me or have ill feelings toward WH. we have no children and have been married 20 years.

we've done emotional needs, love busters and recreational questionaires. i've made it abundantly clear that my number one need is honesty.

WH is an alcoholic and has been sober for 22 years. i caught him drinking about 6 weeks ago. i told him i was disappointed for his sake that he broke his sobriety. i have not betrayed him by telling his AA friends. he almost never goes to meetings and hasn't since he's been drinking. i told him if he's going to drink not to hide from me. i don't care what he does -- it's better to do it in front of me because i can't stand the lying and hiding. i want complete honesty.

he's been having a drink right before bed almost every night, in front of me as i requested. last night i found him getting a little extra straight from the bottle when i left the room. more deceit!!! again i told him it's not the quantity of alcohol, it's the deceit that's making me crazy. his excuse for deceitfulness is always that he "doesn't want to disappoint me." again i told him dishonesty is the number one thing that disappoints me. this happened right after we had discussion that things had seemed so much better between us for the last 4 weeks.

this morning he was very sad. he hugged me and apologized profusely for screwing up.

he is clinically depressed and is on depression and anti-anxiety meds. for last two years he says every day he wakes up and doesn't want to live.

i need a place to vent so i guess this is it. i just don't know what to do i'm so frustrated.

Hi rop, sorry you are here. The things I am about to tell you come from the perspective of another alcoholic who has been sober for 26 years. Your husband is in a horrible, horrible place right now and it is going to get worse if you won't help him. He is headed towards a horrible, shameful death if this doesn't stop FAST.

Your husband cannot drink. He is not a social drinker. Alcohol is poison to your husband and will destroy his life and your life. He not only will get much worse and die a drunk, but his last few years will be spent having affairs and living a life of insanity. Do you want that for him? Do you want your last years to be like that?

It sounds like you love your husband, so why would allow him to kill himself right in front of your eyes? If he had a gun to his head, wouldn't you call the police?

Your husband needs help, not enabling.

You have betrayed him by not telling them. Your husband is killing himself and they are the people who can help him.

When we recovering alcoholics sit in AA meetings and gratefully recall those who helped transform our lives do you think we remember the enablers or do we recall the ones who kicked us out or threw us in jail?

I assure you we remember the latter because they CARED ENOUGH to go tough on us. And it saved our lives!!

The enablers who sat by while we killed ourselves did not demonstrate any caring at all. We quickly forget them.

our counselor said i shouldn't tell AA. that is H responsibility.

I don't care what your "counselor" said, do you want to help your husband or not?

p.s. "counselors" don't know anything about alcoholism and they call AA members for help with their own clients. They ask us to take them to meetings.

just checked his email. he asked an AA friend to call him. the friend is also our stockbroker so i'm going to wait to find out about the conversation. if drinking isn't the topic, i will tell.

AND, he's drinking.
His prescribing physician needs to know about the drinking.
This is important.
Make that call today.

Edit to add;

BAD idea to combine alcohol and antidepressants <~~ LINK

rop, I would put his liquor out of the house and tell him he can't drink anymore. If he wants to drink, he needs to get out. And tell everyone in your family he is drinking. Please don't sit there while your husband kills himself. Ask your family members to speak to him about how disappointed they are. This should not be kept a secret.

He needs you to put a fire under his [censored]. He needs your help. He is killing himself and a passive, complacent approach is not sufficient.

Alcoholics do not show up in AA because they magically woke up and saw the error of their ways. They show up there at the point of a gun becuase some judge forced them to go or some loving, caring spouse told them to sober up or get out. If you love him, you will take the gun out of his hand [the gun that he has pointed to his own head] and make him sober up.
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Don't be passive here, rop. Your husband is killing himself and needs your help.

Tell everyone about his drinking and his affair. Don't hide his dirty secrets for him. That hurts him. By keeping his secrets for him, you are enabling him to kill himself. As long as he is able to keep his secrets, his fantasy is fueled. The fantasy of the affair and the fantasy of drinking.

Put him in a position to have to explain his despicable, disgusting behavior to others so he can see how disgusting he is through the eyes of others. That will ruin his little fantasy and give him the motivation to straighten out.

His drinking and his secret affair is WHY he is depressed. His conscience is SCREAMING and unless you help him stop, IT WILL GET WORSE.

Alcoholics don't just pick up where they left off when they start drinking again, they pick up where they would have been had they drank all that time. Right now your H is playing "lets pretend I am a social drinker to get my wife accustomed to seeing me drink and then I can cut loose and drink right!"

What is he doing is like putting a frog in a pot of water. He is slowly warming you up for REAL drinking. You need to jump out of the pot NOW, madam!

i have called a friend in AA who is his closest friend here. he was not surprised. my H had told him he was drinking non-alcoholic beer so expected the escalation. he will talk to him. i used to go to alanon. i am not removing alcohol from our home because i know it is pointless. if an alcoholic is going to drink, he will find and/or hide the liquor. H admitted that long ago. i'm not kicking him out. his family should probably be in AA so they would not be supportive in this issue. when i hid all known handguns H told me that i didn't know how many guns he has and that if he decided to shoot himself there was nothing i could do. i am telling him i am here for him, i care about him, etc. anyone in AA should know that it's up to the alcholic to stop drinking -- no one can force him to stop. i'm here for him and i'm getting him professional help (his AA buddy is also a professional counselor).

how do I benefit by telling everyone??? i don't want everyone to feel sorry for me or think i'm a fool for staying with him. not only will people treat him differently, but they will treat ME differently too. i'm trying to take care of myself.

i told prescribing physician as soon as i found him drinking.

What you do is give him an ultimatum. You can't force him to stop, but you can establish your own boundaries by giving him an ultimatum. That starts with removing the alcohol from your home. Alcohol is poison to your marriage and to him, so why would you allow it in your home? Rather, get rid of the alcohol and tell him if he wants to drink again, he can get the hell out.

That is what you will do if you are really there for him. He does not need "professional help;" he needs a boot in his [censored]. He doesn't need "professional help" to stop. You have all the leverage in the world to motivate him to stop drinking. You just need to use it!!

And of course you should tell everyone about his drinking and his affair. Why would you cover that for him? So he can feel good about being a scumbag? He shouldn't feel good. And you have nothing to be ashamed of, you have done nothing wrong other than enable him.

Please stop enabling your husband and help him be a good man. He will love you for standing up for him when he is sober.

People will give you some much needed SUPPORT. And they should treat him differently!! The way they treat him is based on a LIE. He is a FAKE. And you are helping him be a FAKE. As long as you help him with the charade, he has no motivation to change.

You married a real prince. What a charmer. Your love bank must be over flowing after these deposits.

Listen, I am married to an alcoholic. I've been to a zillion Al Anon meetings.
I'd happily pour booze down the drain if I found it in my home.
My H is not going to drink around me. If my H wanted to drink and lose his sobriety, he'd better find a safer place than risk drinking in front of me. Because I'd be plenty dangerous.

I would not tell him: "I am here for you" as he gulps his poison.
I would tell him: "I will be here for you when you are sober and stay sober."


You can love your alcoholic husband and still have safe boundaries for yourself and for your home. Why the hell do you permit him to poison himself in front of you? If it was heroin, would you watch him stick the needle in?

Do you KNOW HOW to set a boundary? A boundary is not a threat. You do not ask your H to do anything. You inform him what you will do under certain risky (for you) circumstances.

Booze is risky in your home.
Dump it.
He wants to drink?
He goes somewhere else.

(Actually, my H is nearly 16 years sober. Goes to 6-7 AA meetings a week)

I have been in AA for TWENTY SIX YEARS, Madam. It is up to you to stop tolerating his drinking and START HELPING HIM!

I am sober for 26 years because my husband said to me: "YOU STOP DRINKING TODAY OR YOU GET OUT!" He drove me to my first AA meeting on April 28, 1985 in Capac, Michigan and SAT IN THE PARKING LOT WITH MY 2 LITTLE BOYS. He drove me to a meeting and sat in the parking lot the next night and the next...

Most alcoholics stop drinking because they are FORCED to stop. They are FORCED by judges, employers, caring family members, police. They don't just wake up and magically recognize the error of their ways!

You need to FORCE him to stop and quit being his enabler. Your husband is SICK. Help him. Don't sit there picking your nose while he kills himself.

Your husband needs to stop drinking. He doesn't need "professional" help to do that. "Professionals" come to AA for their own drinking problems and call up AA members to pick up their clients. The only professional help he might need is at a treatment center to sober him up, but other than that he needs to stop drinking and get his [censored] to AA.

I would tell everyone about his drinking and wh*ring, give him an ultimatum and either kick him out or start driving him to AA meetings. Don't waste your time beating around the bush with him.

I am CERTAIN I will not live with a drunk ever again.
It nearly killed me.
It nearly killed him.
It almost ruined our family.

I did not "force" my H to stop drinking. (unlike what Mel says)
I informed my H he was "Out of here" unless he stopped 100% forever, and went to AA.
Being in, and enjoying the benefits of MY company is definitely worth his sobriety.
He either saw it that way, or he was G.O.N.E. from the home.
No threats. No ultimatums.
Just a fact.
"AA or the highway, mister."

How valuable are you?
Is being in your company worth his sobriety?
Your H either values you, or he values the booze more.
Which is it?