Looking for advice...

I am 34 years old and have been married for four years. There is one main issue that I've had since we met, and that is that my wife doesn't look like the woman I dreamed of marrying. Awhile back I was at a youth retreat and was wondering if I might find a girl there. I saw some possibilities, but didn't talk to anyone. One night the leaders had everyone go find a spot to go and pray alone with God. When I did this it seemed like the Lord said to me who I was supposed to marry. I was angry at this, because I wanted to search for the girl, and secondly because I wasn't attracted to her like I was to other girls. I wrestled with this for a long time, but eventually decided that it was probably wrong to not marry because of this. I called her, and we began talking, later we met, and we started dating. Awhile after that, I decided to propose to her, we postponed the wedding once, but then married.

Our wedding night for me was a dissapointment. We had tense discussions about how we probably wanted different body types in the past, but I didn't dream that my wedding night would be a tough one. From that point on, I always felt drawn to other girls that I would see, and it continues to this very day. We've had discussions about things to wear, because I don't think that my wife is naturally feminine or girly. She doesn't wear shorts or high heels, and sometimes her outfits don't match. I struggle all the time because knowing that my wife prepared herself for me is important to me. I sometimes feel that I may never be happy in this area. I've struggled with pornography for a long time and I wanted my wife to be all that I needed, but I'm sad because it feels far away from what I want. Recently I've come close to leaving, because I can't help feeling like the girls that I see throughout the day are putting themselves together, but I don't think my wife naturally does that. Beyond that, if I was to be honest with myself I would say that I'm not attracted to my wife's body.

I don't know what to do at this point, but struggling with it has left me quiet and sometimes desiring something else. I sometimes still feel that desire to search for the right girl, and every day is a battle.

Drop the porn. No ifs, ands or buts. Your wife has no hope of ever meeting your need for an Attractive Spouse if you are forcing her to compete with porn stars. You are not going to be attracted to her as long as you have something else to compare her to.

Does she know about the porn?

Stop looking at other girls. Stop day dreaming about finding the "right girl" elsewhere. You have weak boundaries, and are setting yourself up for an affair.

Your wife can learn to meet your need for attractiveness, but she doesn't have a fighting chance until you've dropped the porn and have stopped oogling other girls.

In addition to Prisca's suggetions, I would be radically honest with her about this. Let her know that you are not happy with the way she dresses up and ask her to change that. Be honest with her about how this has affected your love bank. She does have a right and a need to know how you feel about her.

Definitely knock off the porn viewing. Those images are presenting you with an unrealistic picture of women's bodies and don't reflect reality in any way.

removed post -- wrong thread!

Hey, Glasses, you can probably get more help if you get the moderators on this website to move your thread over to the "Marriage Builders 101" section. I suggest you click the notify button and ask them to do that.

I would like to ask what you think about the suggestions you have been given. Do you think you can do these things?

I do believe God is speaking to you, and would love to share with you what I think God has to say with you, as well as some practice advice for how you can build a sexually thrilling marriage with the wife that God gave you. First I would like to know your reaction to what you have read here so far, and I'd also like to know if you read the Basic Concepts on this site yet.

When my H was watching porn, he thought I was the most unattractive woman he knew.


Oddly enough, I became more attractive when he stopped.


Real women are warmer, kinder, and lots more responsive to the man who is right next to them.


SB