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Need help on what i should do ?
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Welcome to Marriage Builders. What can we help you with?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964 Likes: 1
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Sb,
Start with Radical Honesty, it's just easier that way. Don't decide for your Wife what she needs to hear, tell her everything she needs/wants to hear until she tells you to stop.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 11/01/11 06:14 PM.
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Sb,
Start with Radical Honesty, it's just easier that way. Don't decide for your Wife what she needs to hear, tell her everything she needs/wants to hear until she tells you to stop.
God Bless
Gamma In total agreement. 100% open and honest. Spill all the beans
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Joined: Apr 2011
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Need help on what i should do ? Ok, ready for hard words? 1. Stop drinking. Immediately. Get into a rehab/program. You cannot even begin handling things if you are drinking. Do you still have a mentor in AA? Call him. immediately. 2. You need to be 100% open and honest. No more of that "I'm looking for a job" crud. Honestly, you are probably looking at a single life if you don't get hopping here. You gotta come clean, man. 3. You need to get EP's in place. Precautions to prevent this from happening again. 4. Drop the revenge affair cop out. Doesn't hold water. Committing murder because someone tried murdering you isn't justification. CV
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Joined: Jul 2008
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Sb,
A side effect of Radical Honesty on your part is that she will likely provide it for you.
It's appears obvious that there is something you never got from your Wife if you were in pain from her Affair for so long, do you even know what it is.
God Bless
Gamma
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Need help on what i should do ? How many days sober are you?
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Joined: Oct 2000
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Need help on what i should do ? How many days sober are you? What should you do? I think you should answer my question. Thanks. How many days sober are you?All future Marriage Building advice will depend on how many days of sobriety you've achieved.You can not work MB program if you choose booze over your marriage. What's your pleasure?
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Joined: Oct 2000
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I am responding to Treah's husband .... This one's for YOU, Mister T. (You call yourself scummbagger.... I'll call you Mr. T)
I'm a FWW, now BW. I had an internet EA that my H never let go of.
NEVER LET GO .... What does this say about you, Mr T? Does this say you are strong, or courageous? Does this say you are righteous? Does this say you are better than your wife? Think it over.
There was NC in place, I have not spoken to this person for 14 years, nor do I have ANY interest in renewing any sort of relationship with that person or a new person. I'm an open book, he can access anything of mine
How was she 'rewarded' for her actions to protect the marriage?and in fact, I spent many years not even socializing so as to not hear more accusations of cheating.
It gave you the power.
The power to make your wife miserable.
The power to keep your wife unhappily attached to you.
Well done you!  For 14 years now, he always brings it up. Every single argument, every single disagreement.
When the only tool a man has is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Mr T,you lack marriage/husband skills.
You see a problem, and you whack it with a hammer.
I see nail holes everywhere.
3 years ago, he started an affair. From the beginning it was a PA. Back and forth between me and her. Many FRs, a lot of lying, verbal abuse, etc. He has told me it's revenge, and then said it's not revenge.
But, "oopsie" ... You lost whatever little love your wife had for you.
For YEARS you made precious few love bank deposits while making large withdrawals.
Then, for good measure, you had an affair and tortured her with it.
Mr T comes out "the winner".
The marriage comes out the loser.
NC was finally put into place in July. I think it's too late, though. I am so angry, I don't want him anywhere near me.
Because you do not know how to make love bank deposits.
You are sulking and drinking.
Those are not love bank deposits, Mr T.
They are love bank withdrawals, Mr T.Whenever we talk about recovery, and I tell him it's too late, he keeps asking WHY did I beg him to come back. It's irritating as he!!. 
You cannot be the Captain of the ship if you are inebriated.
You cannot be the Captain if you are keeping score.
You cannot be the Captain if you are sulking and whining and playing the victim.
YES!
Most definitely!
Here is what you do.
You sober up and stay sober.
You call the Harley's yourself and get a phone session for yourself.
Take notes.
Follow the STEPS you are given.
Do the work.
Quit stalling.
Be the Captain.
Or shut the hell up and leave your wife to her personal recovery.
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Mr T, if you are reading this thread and you are NOT sober for at least 48 hours... you are making the choice to abandon your marriage.
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Just 2 1/2 days i know sad .You dont hold back at all i respect that.
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Joined: Oct 2000
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 That's more than I thought you would have. One day at a time. How are you doing?
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You dont hold back at all i respect that. The way I see it .... your ship is sinking. You are trying to bail the sea water using a tea spoon with one hand tied behind your back, wearing a blindfold. What you don't need is someone holding your hand. You need to take the correct actions. And, you better do it quickly. Call the Harley's for a one on one with them.
Last edited by Pepperband; 11/02/11 05:51 PM.
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Link explains how to make an appointment. I do not get a commission. I get satisfaction when a marriage can be saved from disaster. You don't know what the hell you are doing. Your instincts and your previous experience are working against you. You need expert help. Now.
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Joined: Apr 2011
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Just 2 1/2 days i know sad .You dont hold back at all i respect that. It's a start. Take it a day at a time. But keep on not drinking. CV
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What do you mean expert help ?
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Joined: Feb 2011
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Click on the link,,,,,the expert
Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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