I've just found this site today, and... Wow. Just wow. I hope this isn't too long. From what I've seen so far, those vets out their can give better advice with more details. And I really need some guidance.

My husband and I have been married for all of ten months. In July, he told me out of nowhere that he wanted a divorce. I was stunned. I hadn't seen it coming at all. I told him if that's what he wanted he needed to leave. He started to pack, then broke down and said that's not what he really wanted, he was just depressed. I asked him if he was someone else, but he denied it.

After this I was suspicious, so I checked his facebook and sure enough... He'd been having an EA with an old girlfriend. It had only lasted about a month before she ended it because she felt guilty that he was married despite his assurances that he was going to divorce me. Three days after she ended it, he'd asked me for a divorce.�

He won't admit he asked me for a divorce to be with her. He says he was going to do it anyway and that getting her back would have been just a perk. I don't really believe him.

He was instantly crying, begging me not to leave, and saying he'd do anything to make it work. I had him write a no contact email and send it. They had still been communicating 'as friends'. I had to go to work that night, but I made him promise me he would not talk to her again. When I got home he told me that she had blown up his phone for hours, and that finally he had answered just to let her 'get it out' so she'd stop calling. I was livid, and she was still blowing up his phone.

So I called her and informed her that if she continued to contact my husband we were going to report her to her chain of command for harassment. She said she'd stop, but not before trying to tell me all the horrible things my husband had said to her about me during the many, many hours they has discussed our marriage. She stopped trying to contact him, and instead started messaging me. These messages said that she was sorry and that I needed to stay with my husband. She even tried giving me marriage advice. I told her our marriage was not her business and gave her one final warning. As far as I know, she hasn't contacted either of us since. I had him delete his facebook and give me access to everything. �

We got into MC immediately. Unfortunately, we got a terrible marriage counselor. She told me his affair wasn't that bad, that it wasn't his fault because he was depressed, that I was overreacting. She discouraged me from looking at his computer or phone anymore because that was 'unhealthy'. She said if I did I'd never learn to trust him again.�

Two months into counseling, I found out I was pregnant. I was a bit further along then most women are when I found out because I thought my symptoms were reactions to stress. Until the divorce talk, we'd been trying to have a baby. I was so angry because he'd been telling this girl things like 'I love you more than anyone' and planning a divorce yet still telling me he loved me and still trying to have a baby with me. I got pregnant in the middle of his affair. And our counselor said I couldn't be angry with him about that because 'we didn't know I was pregnant then'. She also told me that my response to the EA was so out of proportion because of hormones.

We stopped going to that counselor because we both knew she was making things worse. I thought I was going crazy.�

Finding this site was a relief. I'm absolutely going to order the books. I just need more help with repairing things and moving forward. I've looked around enough to know that many of you are dealing with long term affairs after years of marriage. This probably doesn't even come close. And honestly, after such a short time of marriage, I don't know if I'd be trying to fix things if we weren't having a baby. I can't even imagine what it would do to a child to have their parents split up before they were even born. I want this baby to have his family together.

My husband has done everything I've asked of him up until this point. He is trying to communicate and show me he loves me. But I don't know how to forgive or trust him. He says he's willing to do anything to keep us together, but I'm not even sure what that is. I don't know how to get past this.

I've read some of the materials here and I'm going to continue, but any suggestions or advice would help. And thank you so much for taking time to read all of this. � �

Welcome to MB, Charlee. I am very sorry that you are not able to enjoy your pregnancy as you should because of the circumstances.

I don't have long to spend here (as it is well past bedtime in the UK) , but I know that others will give you a great deal of help. I have two quick suggestions.

The first is to tell OW's husband or boyfriend and family about the affair. Exposure is a key measure that will help ensure that the affair is not continuing or restarted in the future.

The second is to change your contact details. Your H needs to change his phone number and email address, and you might also need to change your landline number.

How far away from you does OW live? Because if it is in your vicinity, I'm sorry to say that you'll have to move, too - but that would be a good way of making a new start with a new baby.

What makes you say that this was an EA only? If your H was talking about divorce, such a thing is highly unlikely. He wouldn't have wanted to divorce simply after getting close to her by email. Did they have a sexual relationship in the past?

I agree. Welcome charlie. SC's given you a great start. Exposure is the key here. It is very important to regaining your marriage. Exposure will kill any possible lingering effects of the affair. One thing you can do to give yourself some peace of mind is have your H write out a timeline of the affair and fill in the details. Have it on paper so you can ask any questions you need. Once **YOU** are satisfied you have the truth, send him for a polygraph to verify it.

CV

The timeline is a great idea. We are headed to my husband's family's home next week to tell them. He's not thrilled with the idea, but he's willing to do it. I think his family will be helpful. Telling my family will be harder.

I think it would have turned into a physical affair if she weren't stationed in Germany (we're in the US). Also, their messages back and forth contained a lot of 'I wish I could see you', 'I wish you weren't so far away' etc. They dated six years ago, but supposedly they never had sex. He says he was depressed and needed someone to talk to and it went from there. At the time, I was working the night shift as a nurse and going to grad school. I wasn't home much, so he had lots of time to talk to her.

Welcome to MB,

Is your husband reading along? Frankly, he's got more work to do AND in need of more assistance than you right now. In fact, watching him start a thread, respond and take the heat here is likely more beneficial to you than anything we can tell you.


If he registers...he should post a separate thread and you two don't post on each others thread.

Recovery is a process. It takes time...but a recovered MB marriage IS worth it. Typically with a 10 month marriage I'd be telling you to run...fast...but with a baby on the way why not give him/it a shot. ONE shot. Look at it this way...I spent 7+years coasting in an marriage that was mutual dissatisfying. We fixed it. You two have a chance to fix yours using the same program WITHOUT the interceding 7+years. So maybe you're lucky

Mr. Wondering <---glass half full kinda guy

Charlee, welcome to MarriageBuilders. I'm sorry you've had cause to find your way here, but we'll do the best we can if you & your husband want to make a go of it.

One of the problems you may face, is that lots of people don't regard emotional affairs as being as serious as physical affairs. That's a mental trap that your husband needs to avoid at all costs. An emotional affair, when it's gotten to the point of "I love yous" being exchanged, is just a physical affair waiting for the opportunity of proximity or time. An EA is no less destructive to your marital relationship than a PA, because they both involve investment of time & energy outside the marriage & allow top emotional needs to be met by parties outside the marriage. He needs to own 100% the idea that he was unfaithful to you.

I'm not sure which books you've ordered. I don't get a penny for saying so, but I'll tell you that "Surviving An Affair" was the one that may well have saved my marriage, after my affair.

Kudos to you for seeing that so-called marriage counselor for what she was. That's as egregious a case of counseling malpractice as any I've seen in over 2 years on these boards.

Your situation is scary. I don't know how long you've known your husband, or what sort of a track-record you've got in your relationship. My wife & I had a lot that was "right" with us that we could rebuild upon. I don't know what the two of you have got. Baby or no, I think you need to set an extremely high bar for your husband.

In sum, he needs to become an open book. He needs to make his life completely transparent to you, to absolutely preclude the possibility of his maintaining or forming relationships with women other than you. That crap only works on TV & in the movies. In real life, staying in touch or "reconnecting" with exes only gets you what you've got. There's no good that can ever come of it, and it must end. For him, that means you have ALL his passwords to all his e-mail accounts, cellphones, anything. It means he agrees to read "Surviving An Affair" cover-to-cover with you. It means he is to never communicate with her again for any reason or pretext. Read a thread started on this site by a poster named "HerPapaBear" on the topic of "extraordinary precautions," and have him read it. And it means he must give you top priority for how he allocates his time. The concept of time for what Dr. Harley calls "Undivided Attention" is absolutely crucial. If you're to to recover your marriage & make it better than the one you had before (which must be your goal), then you both will have to make ways to make time for one another -- 15-20 hours per week minimum of time when you can give one another your undivided attention. You cannot short-change this.

And you need to tell him what my wife told me on the day I confessed my affair (below, 2nd quote in red text.) He needs to know he's down to his last strike.

Send him here & have him start a thread. That is, if he gives a damn about learning from people who know a thing or two about recovering their marriages & making them better than before.

Hang in there, Charlee.