There are many posts here that unequivocally state that jobs, careers, financial security, etc. should be abandoned in favor of the relationship because, financially, "everything will work out."

One of the things that I learned from CGIR's affair is that our relationship is destined to end. I don't know how it will end - divorce or death - but I know it WILL end. And when it does (again, not "if" but WHEN), I will need to take care of myself. Before CGIR's affair, the truth was the same, but I didn't think about it every day, just as most of us don't think about getting hit by a car when we leave the house each day.

Now I think about it every day, because I had it rubbed in my face. I WILL NOT purposefully give up my ability to take care of myself in a semi-comfortable way for a relationship that can only ever be temporary.

My mother lives with me because she doesn't have another financial option. My MIL and FIL haven't shared a bedroom since they moved into their new house a couple of years ago, and my FIL seems to spend most of his time working, including part-time jobs like bartending. My MIL is somewhat disabled and doesn't have another financial option. This is NOT going to be me.

I also think that there needs to be a recognition of, and more serious discussion about, the consequences of giving up a measure of financial security, especially health benefits, from both the WS's and BS's perspective. As BobPure once said on my thread, "When debt comes in the window, love goes out the door." Now add debt to infidelity. I think this creates a circumstance that merits discussion, not glib comments about how much fun people had being poor and how the streets are paved with gold for anyone with a little get-up-and-go.

So much for positive posting -

B(Where do I send the rent check?)V

I beg your pardon, but I never suggested that anyone put themselves in Debt or cause financial insecurity. My suggestion is one that Harley makes often, which is that the career should complement the marriage, not the other way around. In many instances on this board the career is destroying the marriage, so the solution is to find another career if the goal is to save the marriage.

Divorce causes financial insecurity so in many cases, NOT quitting a job means not only the loss of the marriage but eventual loss of the benefit of the income from a spouses job.

In many situations here, a certain job might lead to divorce, which is certain to cause financial insecurity. Is that job worth sacrificing a marriage if you won't benefit from it in the future? Is that job worth wrecking your children's family when it destroys the marriage? You see, it is not as cut and dry as you seem to think because you are thinking very short term.

So, if your goal is to save the marriage and your career interferes with that, Harley's position is that you should find another job. Jobs come and go, marriages do not. That is Harley's position.

Just to add to this... While I understand the need for financial security, it really is a matter of priority. Which is more important, being financially well off, or having something a little less, living a little tighter and having a good M. I have left my vocation, not job, but vocation because my marriage was that important. I now work at a retail store, but I have my marriage. Worth it? absolutely. I won't be able to pay for alot that we hoped for, but life doesn't end on that note. To me? definitely worth having a good marriage.

Agree, Celticvotager. My priority is my marriage, not my job. I can get another job but i am not giving up my happy marriage. As it is, I have a job that provides a good living and complements my marriage. If it didn't, I would be finding a new job, not hanging onto it at the expense of my marriage.

My husband used to travel quite a bit for his job, but he found a new position in his company where he rarely travels. He has turned down promotions in the past that involved travel for this very reason.

Why? (I think you'll agree here Mel) Because happiness isn't found in what you have, but in who you share what you have with. I can be content with relatively little if my spouse is happy and here with me.

CV

Brokenvase,
When my XH had an A with his coworker and I worked there also, all I was worried about is that he would lose his job and what would happen to us financially.

It took me months to expose and it was too little, too late. I have a beautiful home and have managed to keep my head above water financially.

I would give up this beautiful home and all the frills that go with it to have that successful M. I loved my husband and thinking back how I worried about the financials seem laughable these days.

Just my 2 cents.

We made many changes to our lives and jobs following the affair. My husband changed his office and office procedures. He meets clients only in public, no longer in his meeting room. He changed contracts. I changed contracts and locations.

This did not "cure" our ability to have what we need or want, which is to never see or hear of OW. This won't cure us of having to think of the affair ever again.

I, like you, take care of elderly parents. My mom has terminal cancer. My dad, at 84, only recently stopped working (because I told him *I* was tired and needed him to stop). He has cancer, plus other stuff, too.

We make our choices, based on the best advice we have. MB is built on the idea that the best idea is that if you must choose between a job and your marriage, the obvious choice for most would be the marriage.

You are a betrayed spouse, and you have experienced trickle truth, lies, and multiple betrayals. You are working through a very long and hard recovery, so your perspective is not lost on me. I have walked in your shoes.

There may come a day when you find yourself seeing things with more hope for your future; or you may decide that you no longer want to be with CGIR. You need to make your decisions based on what you know is right for your marriage and your life -- using the best advice you can get. I'm just glad you are here and still working on it!

SB

The way to affair proof a marriage is to change the conditions that led to the affair. If that doesn't "cure" your ability to prevent another affair, then your marriage is not affair proofed and you are probably headed to another affair. In your case, that is likely because isn't your husband a serial cheater?

Just as Dr Harley told Shlag, another serial cheater, on the radio show today, he has to change his lifestyle in such a way that it would be impossible to have another affair. That means becoming so transparent and interdependent that it is not possible. Even if it means quitting your job and starting a business together.

Even so, this is advice that is given to those who are serious about saving their marriages and the steps they take to avoid a repeat affair. If a person is going to stay married, they would be CRAZY to not take extraordinary precautions because not doing so is more likely to result in financial insecurity brought on by a divorce that is brought on by a REPEAT AFFAIR.

In short, if financial security really is a priority, the best way to achieve that is to AVOID divorce, and in many instances that means finding another job. No job is worth enduring adultery or the resulting financial disaster that comes with divorce.

This goes for AJ and me, too.

Mel,

Please re-read what I wrote. I was speaking of the cure for the MEMORY of the affair:

"This won't cure us of having to think of the affair ever again."


I don't think anything in the world would erase the memory of the affairs.

There isn't a cure for that.



Maybe amnesia?




You can change jobs, move, and do lots of things, but in reality, you will have the memory of the affairs.

There is no cure for it.


You can do lots of things to reduce the chances of recurrence of affairs.

True enough. We have done what we believe are very effective EPs and they are working for us. I feel safe. He is very consistent about his behavior, and has been. I have no complaints.



Like I said, when it comes down to it, given the choice, marriage or job - the choice is pretty obvious.

I don't think it is a BAD thing to remember the affairs - really. Because if you DO remember, it keeps you vigilant.


If you forget, that would mean you were no longer aware of the threat. You had dropped your defenses, and you were no longer being careful about your marriage.

So memory - is a good thing.


SB

That is absolutely right. But a memory is not the same as a trigger. The feelings from a trigger fade with time, unless contact is renewed. Which is why it is so important to change the ENVIRONMENT so that a resumption of the affair is virtually impossible. Removing the opportunities is the solution. For example, I have the memory of my last drink but since I am not in the bar and don't have booze in the house, there is not an opportunity. And how would I even get away with that since I am with my husband in all my free time? If I go hang out in bars, I will soon be triggered, though. And not only will I be triggered if I do that, but if I am sitting in the bar, I also have the opportunity.

It is the same with resumed contact with an affair partner. That is how affairs start up again. We have seen it so many times on this forum over the years.

The point is that in order for a marriage to be safe, there must be no contact for life in addition to a change of the environment that led to the affair. That is removing the opportunity.

And I know you feel you have effective EP's in place even though your H does see the OW from time to time, but I have seen numerous affairs start back up doing that very thing. A couple can only play Russian Roulette with their marriage for so long. I wouldn't feel so confident if I were you. Dr Harley sure wouldn't.

Ever read His Needs, Her Needs?