That is EXACTLY what my husband told me on the last day I drank on April 27, 1985. We just use different terminology because I LOVE the word ultimatum.

You're hilarious.

I love the power of my femininity.

"You see all THIS?" *points to my gorgeous self* "You get NONE of this if you're a drunk".

Now THAT's my version of an ultimatum.
I know where my power lies.
It's in my secret sauce.

So naughty!!

Yes.

ok, i'm working on the alcohol problem. now what do i do about the dishonesty and deceit?

Can you be more specific?

Work on yourself.
Work on your boundaries.
What are they?
Can you write a list of what your requirements are for WH to remain married to you?

Examples:

* I am certain I will leave this marriage if WH uses/abuses alcohol.
* I am certain I will leave this marriage if WH is dishonest and deceitful.
* I am certain I will take steps to protect myself physically, emotionally and financially from WH's poor choices.

The only way you can invite WH to change is by changing yourself.
You cannot teach/preach/cajole/beg/argue/talk some sense into him and he will magically "see the light".
It does not work that way.

YOU must change your own behavior.
It will seem uncomfortable at first.
Dramatic and firm changes in what you will and will not allow is the only way you can effect a change.

A boundary is NOT telling him what to do.
A boundary is deciding and acting on what YOU will do in order to keep your life from decending into pain/chaos/enabling.

question about exposure - H ended the affairs as soon as he was warned that i found emails. i have access to everyone and am sure there is NC. i looked at sample wording in exposure 101 thread and it says the affair is ongoing and asks for help to influence WS to end affair. since my H had already ended the affairs, i don't see any reason to expose now. obviously this would be quite late since i discovered affairs july 2011, but did not discover this site till much later.

You need to expose to OW#2's BH.

You should tell your kids and close family members about his affair. Why didn't you tell them when we discussed this months ago?

Is the OW married and if so, did you inform her husband?

sorry i've been busy with work project and havent had time to post. i have read dr harley's info on exposure and my interpretation is the purpose of exposure is to end the affair. in my case, the affairs were ended a couple months before i found this website. so i don't see what purpose exposure would serve AFTER the affairs are over. we have no kids. close family was informed.

OW's BH needs to know regardless! How come you checked out from Nov. to March?

You're still arguing about exposure instead of heeding the advice you've been given here. Do you want sympathy or a better marriage? What do you want? I'm not trying to be a bad-axx, it helps to STATE what you want, it's kind of a first step, how do you get there if you don't know what you want?

What's going on with your husband's drinking? Did you pour the booze down the drain? Did you tell him it's you & sober or the hwy? Is he attending AA? Did the doctor talk to him about his medications and combining with alcohol?

What was it you meant about his family, do they drink too?

What steps have you made to change your enabling behaviors?

One thing I've learned is, if nothing changes, nothing changes...in other words, the results will come out the same. So if you want to do nothing, you can expect he will continue to have affairs and drink and you're in for a not-so-fun future. Now let me ask you again, what changes are you and he making?

You have an incorrect interpretation but I believe you know this already. Dr Harley does not say the only reason to expose an affair is to end an affair. But we have already explained this to you.

Has the affair been exposed to the OW's husband?

What are you reasons for wanting to hide the affair?

Why do you choose to be an enabler?

Is your husband still drinking?

I visit here frequently but haven't posted because not much happening.

H is going to AA almost every day and has been sober for about a month. Last night he went to meeting where he went years ago and announced that he had slipped and asked for sponsor. Previously he didn't want to admit to anyone about slip. So that's a positive sign.

I went with H to his doctor treating him for depression. He says he is feeling much better. When we got home he asked me to give him another chance to prove he's changed/changing.

OWH says he isn't interested in saving his marriage. I've asked for his help to get OW's phone logs to verify NC because i have no access to phone at H's office (big office). OWH says OW always has her keys and cell phone in purse and keeps her bedroom locked! I'm trying to talk him into breaking in while she's in shower.

i'm really struggling right now because july 2011 was worst month of my life. last year was 20th anniversary. WH was in motel with OW#1 the day before our anniversary. The day of our anniversary he made arrangements to meet OW#2 three days later. I believe that was last contact with either of them because I discovered A's that same week and he ended PA. He continued talking on phone to OW#2 until november. Says all contact ended (except NC letter) in november. Still trying to find a way to verify NC. i'm 99.9% sure PA is over because of his health. i'm making appt with counselor for me to get help dealing with july.

rop, I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Are you spying on your husband? Do you have a GPS on him? What about spyware on his phone?

It doesn't sound like you are in recovery if he isn't doing everything in his power to prove to you his affair is over. What is he doing to prove this to you?

i have Find My iPhone on my computer so i can see where his phone is at any time. i check it numerous times every day. he is always where he's supposed to be. one time he forgot to take phone on a fairly short trip and i was ballistic. he thinks i was ballistic because i couldn't reach him. he doesn't know about the iPhone app and has no idea i can tell where he is.

i have phone log, as well as access to his emails at work and other. the only thing he could be doing is talking to OW from work phone. he insists he isn't and have found nothing to suggest otherwise.

i don't know how he could prove a negative; how can he prove he isn't doing something?

i was thinking about going to OW's office and demanding to see her phone and phone log. i could threaten to expose to her husband if she refuses. she doesn't know i have already exposed to him.

How can he prove it? I would ask him to find a way to reassure you that he is not speaking to the OW at work. His word is meaningless so he will need some way to prove it. He is a smart guy, tell him to figure it out.


So the affair is not exposed? The purpose of exposure is to EXPOSE, not to keep it secret. Why is it being kept secret?

The infidels should be well aware that you all know about the affair and you should be in constant contact with her husband, comparing notes.