I am new here and am glad I found this site. I have learned much about the "why" and "how" of an affair. I have been married 9 years with 3 kids. When I learned about my H's affair, it was originally explained to me as an EA only. We began working on it thru MC as I recognized I had not been "there" for him in a while, but things quickly went back to normal: us not communicating, no help with domestic chores, etc. and my resentment quickly grew. About 2 months later, I learned that he had lied and that the Affair had been physical. I asked him to leave the house and he has been gone since March.
He says that it was just a stupid mistake and had no feelings and he has cut all contact. He has remorse for the A and is begging me to take him back.
My issue is this, since the discovery of the PA, I asked him for space and have received none. He has consistently pestered me; showing up uninvited, texting me all the time- sometimes sending very ugly texts calling me horrible names- this is usually when I am not responding to his calls/ texts. He says that, as of very recently, he has gotten himself straight and that he was not in right mind and even went thru detox of pain pills which he blames basically everything on: the lack of attention to me, the lack of helping with kids and house, the affair, his depression, the irrational behavior, etc.
He is now really begging me to not proceed with divorce and give it ANOTHER try (I have listened to his beggings b4 and they usually end with him not getting his way over something and turning to ugly texts to me or name calling).
I have heard that the irrational behavior and him acting out toward me is normal and a side effect of him being so distraught, guilt-ridded, angry, etc. over the A, but I cant put my head around that. Do people who truly love and respect someone act like that or is he just trying to not lose Family status and he really has no interest in ME..
I had my mind and heart ready for divorce and now am wondering if I have truly given him the chance to prove self.
Has anyone else experienced Truly Crazy behavior from the guilty spouse and been able to overlook/ accept and move on to recovering the marriage??
Getting over the A will be hard enough, Will I be able to ever trust him again in a crisis to not act crazy and selfish and irrational.
Sorry so long... Any insight is appreciated.

JR

Your marriage can be recovered and be better pre affair.

As you read here the truth never comes out all at once. This is known as thrickle truth.

Many a WH have an affair with no intention of wanting to leave their marriage. Does not make what your WH did right though it points to why he is trying to get back into your good graces.

There are many concepts here on MB about recovery, boundaries, rebuilding trust.

Thing we can't tell you to dump WH or keep him. Though your posting here says if you found something that would work you may take a try at it. Well MB works.

Call the Harley's. They have extensive positive experience handling affairs. The price of one session is cheaper then the legal costs of a divorce.

I do not think his behavior is in any way "normal".
I think it is abusive, immature, and abhorrent.


Look at your question through my eyes:


Truly crazy behavior cannot and should not be ... "overlooked" nor "accepted".
If "truly crazy" is hyperbole, please say so.

Does the following sound like a man who has acquired insight?


He abuses prescription medication.
He blames every bad thing he's done on that choice.
He "says" he has gotten himself "straight". (as of recently ..... whatever that means)
But he is "now begging" and then, when he does not get his way, he sends "ugly texts".

Questions:

1. Do you know who was his source for the pain pills?
2. What other drugs or booze does WH occasionally partake?
3. Has WH ever, even one time, struck you in anger?
4. Has WH called any of your children demeaning names in anger?
5. Is WH historically financially responsible? Has he been supporting the family after he moved out?
6. Is WH gainfully employed?
7. Does WH have a criminal record?

You asked:


No ... based on his past behavior.
No ... based on his current explanation for his past behavior.
No ... based on his lack of insight.
No ... based on his immaturity.
No ... based on his impulsiveness.

You don't need to divorce him.
You need to think about what your requirements/conditions are to accept him back.
Then, once you have 4-5 FIRM requirements in mind, you explain them to him.
Unemotionally. Matter-of-fact.

"This is what I will require of you in order to feel safe having you back in my life" (present list in writing)
"Think it over. This is not negotiable"
"I will accept your response, whatever it is. A Yes I will do this. Or, a no I will not do this."


Set the bar higher than he has ever reached previously.

Accepting him back "as is" will send the message that your standards have not been raised.

Raise your standards for how you allow people to treat you.

I hope this helps.
Good luck.

yes, I was shcocked at his behavior too.
He has always been selfish and I have always been an enabler.

to answer your questions:

Questions:

1. Do you know who was his source for the pain pills?- Has Back pain but abused them. Has been off of them for a few weeks- after gradually coming off under dr.'s supervision
2. What other drugs or booze does WH occasionally partake? alcohol
3. Has WH ever, even one time, struck you in anger?
no.
4. Has WH called any of your children demeaning names in anger? yes
5. Is WH historically financially responsible? Has he been supporting the family after he moved out? no and no
6. Is WH gainfully employed? self-employed
7. Does WH have a criminal record? no

I am so close to a divorce. Have already paid the retainer, etc. Filed back in July. I have sent him the decree and he is supposed to be returning to my attorney. All the while, begging me to stop. I think he is just now realizing that I am for real and is in panic mode.

What are your thoughts about this?
Does WH know, 100%, what your requirements are?

Please give details about the A.

With whom? Who is OW? Is she married/engaged/has a boyfriend?
When did it start?
When and how and why did it end?

Who did you expose the A to? And, how did you expose?

Are you aware of the EP concept?
Extra-ordinary precautions.


read this thread *link*

I 100% agree with you about the demands. I will not go back to what we had and have told him that. Basically, everything would have to change. But, I know that I must be specific and set the bar HIGH. I just haven't decided on that yet and we have not discussed specific requirements. I am still deciding if I even want to start down that road at all.

As far as the A goes:
OW- friend from h.s. they reconnected on Facebook! Started as friends and she is married with 2 kids also and she gave him the ego stroking that I wasn't. She was unhappy too and has cheated before (per her husband). They only got together a few times but was discovered by her husband who told me. At first my H said only emot. and then I found a hotel receipt. He then came clean.
It ended when "EA" was uncovered. Well, he tried to keep it up a little longer via texts with her but I found them and kicked him out the 1st time. He came home 1 week later. Then, 2 months after that is when I discovered it had been a PA and he has been gone since.
All of our family and friends know. He or I told them all.
No, not aware of the EP concept

Bump... Will be back when I have more time. I am a BS and can offer suggestions.

I edited my previous post and added a link to help you understand EPs.

Hang in there.

I suggest when you come up with your written list of EPs that you hand to WH, you do not call them "demands", but call them your requirements instead.

Extraordinary precautions are requirements that make marriage SAFE for you.
Not used as a punishment for WH.


Next post, a video for you to watch.

[video:youtube][/video]

Infidelity: What every couple should know.


What every MB forum poster should watch.

Well, let's slow down just a little.


Take at least 6 months to decide.
Make your decision based on facts, not emotions.

What does WH spend his money on?

after reading all of this on EP and that the WH should be transparent and I need to set higher standards for myself... I decided to pay WH a visit. Just now, I went to his apt and asked him if I could see his phone and computer and if he would leave for 10 mins or so to let me go thru - to see if he had been honest with me lately. Guess what?? He got angry and said No way- " Im not gonna let you dig thru my stuff". Guess that answers my questions.

and to answer your last question: What does he spend his money on?
He has been "so depressed and distraught and living in turmoil the past year" that he has let his business go down the drain. I am lucky to see any $$.

I guess so.
He's certainly a high risk for adultery recidivism.

Man, that was quick thinking on your part!
I'm impressed!

Have you spoken to a family law attorney?
What are your filing options in your state?
I think you need to protect yourself from his future debts.
Can you get a legal separation in your state?
If you make the majority of the family money, he may try to ding you for spousal support !!!

Find out what your legal options are now.
Without telling WH anything.

thanks for the advice.

You're welcome.

How often does WH see/visit/take care of the 3 kids?

Have you considered Plan B?
At least for awhile.

LINK to Plan B steps