This is going to be long, so sorry. I wasn't married, but was with him for 10 years. Things were rocky a year an a half ago, but we got beyond it and things got better (I was putting more effort into meeting his needs), but at the beginning of this year, he started to disconnect from me. Conversations were just about small talk, nothing too deep. I also was paranoid that when I would text him he would ignore my texts, but answer those of his friends. So when I felt that way, I would check the phone records. In January I found a new number that he texted back and forth over 1000 times. I searched the number and found it was a woman. I questioned him on it and he said she was a co-worker that was just a friend and that I had nothing to worry about. He even handed over the phone and said read the text, but, he already deleted them and used a stupid excuse why.

In September, we go went on vacation. I was hoping to get some of the connection back and I have been trying everything to build the connection, from being more affectionate, to initiating sex more, to doing little things around the house to make things easier for him. But during the vacation, he spent most of the time texting his friends including this woman. Now the texts have increased between him and her to an average of 2000 a month. He has been calling her more often and has even gone out for a drink with her once. During vacation I told him I was upset by all the texting and he said he understood, but then when we came back he said he wanted to start hanging out with his friends without me. Eventually this lead to me lashing out at him for answering her texts but ignoring mine. We broke up, but then he came back to give it another try that day. A week later, he said she was scared about having a colonoscopy and that he needed to go to her house (while her husband was working) and comfort his friend. He knew how upset this made me, but it didn't matter. He said I owed her cause she talked him into giving me another chance.

So fast forward to this last week, he has been cold and callous with occassional days where he is close and holds me. On Sunday he tells me he can't live with me anymore until he gets his head straight cause he can't stand to keep hurting me because he is so disconnected from me. He comes home that night, but I find out later that he was texting her all night. So this Tuesday he tells me to come over so he can hold me to tell me that he is moving out cause this isn't working. He wants me to talk to him about it and keeps saying why didn't you try earlier, why did you let it get this bad, putting all the blame on me. I told him if he was leaving to get out and I told him that his relationship with this woman caused most of the problems (convinced he was having an emotional affair). He kept telling me that he just needs to get away and be alone and that we can maybe see where it goes after that. He also kept saying that she had nothing to do with it and that she kept telling him to stay with me.

So the last two days I have been miserable but have kept looking for things online to get some type of closure. I found messages between him and her that were heavy flirting (which upset me cause he denied ever flirting and when would chastise me about it). I started checking this woman's facebook page and that of her husband. It turns out that on the Sunday when my fiance was saying he needed to leave, he husband changed his profile picture from one with her to one with his child only. He also said stuff about hindsight being 20/20. I checked it today and an hour after I texted this woman saying how she helped to destroy this relationship, her husband put up another post saying that "when life brings changes, you can fight them or try to accept them however painful they may be". She also changed her status from "Married to husband" to "Married".

I'm hurt so much because I knew there was something going on in my gut but he would just deny it and make me feel like there was something wrong with me. He even denied it right up to the moment he left the house. I'm hurt that he could just lie to me and I can't believe that he has let this woman make him into the type of man that he despises. I love him so much that it just kills me to be so betrayed, especially right up to the last minute. I mean he is leaving me, why does he still need to lie.

Just looking for some support on how to survive this, cause I am just dying inside. I love him so much that I want to be with him, but he has already left (staying at his parents right now) and even if he would come back, I would never be able to trust him again, nor do I think he would be willing to jump through the hoops I would need him to, in order for me to take him back.

Would appreciate some guidance

Sorry for long winded

Do you have kids with him?
Have either of you been married?

Have you told her BH?

Have you read any of the information about renters/freeloaders/buyers on this site? Many co-habitating relationships fall under the renters mentality.

Why didn't the 2 of you ever marry each other?

Well, that's one of the more original excuses I've read.

No doubt he actually visited her for a bit of physical action.

Have you exposed this A to the OW's H?

To answer all of the questions:

We were together for 10 years.
Took 8 years for him to get around to proposing.
We planning on getting married next spring.
No kids, just dogs

Neither of us married before, this was first long term relationship either of us had (started when he was 21 / me 24)

I was the breadwinner and I bought the house, he just needed to pay for food, anytime we went out and the electric bill.

As for why we didn't get married, it took him 8 years to propose and less than six month later was when the major conflicts started to occur (first break up). After that it was taking me a long time to decide whether I could trust that he wouldn't leave me again.

I facebook messaged her husband. Didn't give too many details but just said that I have some information pertaining to his current situation that he may be interested in and that if he is he should contact me.

And sorry for double posting this.

My suggestion:

1. Expose the A to the OWH. Don't send him a note saying that you have "information". Tell him that your BF is having an A with his WW.

2. Kick your BF out. Seriously. It's your home and your life. Why would you put up with a wayward? You're in your early 30's - plenty of time left to find and spend it with someone who is a "buyer", not a "renter" or "freeloader". Your BF has failed the test - he is not marriage material.

Freeloader heaven!

Kick his azzzzzzzz out.
Change the locks.

Well turns out I didn't need to expose the A to the OWH. He already updated his interests to "Women". So I'm assuming it is over. I also did send another message saying I would like to talk just so that I would be able to at least know what he knew.

As for kicking him out, he already left, so I don't need to do that. The more I think about how long this went on, how he tried to hide it, how much he lied to me (saying he would never leave me for another woman), and cannot see any way that I would ever be able to take him back.

I just hope I am strong enough to feel that way in the future, cause when the bubble bursts and he realizes what he lost, I don't want to take him back