So I've got om first name and phone number. Should I call it?

I'm gonna be in trouble... I should be in bed. My vote is no. Not if you are in plan B with a court hearing coming. Unless you call from a payphone and get his wife...

CV

Isn't plan b about NC with ww. That doesn't include om.

Mark, my thought on this is degrees of seperation. Contact with OM get back to WW and WW drags it up in court and things are drawn out.

What would the purpose be of calling him at this point?

CV

Sure it would get back to ww but what would It hurt? How can it hurt me in court?

Btw, she filed chapter 13.

I'm not gonna do it. My wife is the one who's doing this, not him or anyone else.

I had seen so many with fb exposure and thought if I could find om info, I could do that. Maybe its just desperation. I never got a chance to plan a.

IDK. Tonight has been a bad one. Maybe its because the the divorce seems so near and I still love my wife. What a difference from yesterdays post, huh?

I have come a long way in a year. I e moved on in many, many ways. One thing I can't shake is the fact that I do still love my wife. Arggggggg....

Goodbye all. I realized, after the meltdown of last night, that I'm not over my wife yet. I realized, as the tear still roll now, that my episode was brought on by reading so many stories and seeing so many things I never was able to do and thinking "what if". What if I can expose the om like so many others? Would that help? Would that be the one.thing I didn't do that could change things? Would that be the one thing that could help end this ordeal?

I'd made some monumental steps in the past 3-4 months but I took a monstrous step backwards last night. This place has helped me greatly but I can't keep coming and reading and thinking these "what ifs". I refuse to have another night like last night.

You all have really helped me and I don't think I could have even gotten this far without you all. But if I stay here any longer, I'll go crazy.

Thanks all and goodbye.

Mark,

You are extremely triggered. I don't think you are thinking clearly on this because the d is getting closer. Your wife is not interested in reconciliation and hasn't been for a year now. triggers **DO** set us back, but they don't have to be "resets" where we start over again. They fade. Part of the problem is you, not the list.

Frankly, I see you shooting yourself in the foot over and over again. You find ways to "make contact"... You have friends tell you about WW's FB page, you spend time finding OM (Which om is this in the last year? 3 or 4?), and you keep contact through the pastor and others. Not direct communication mind you, but "reminders" and little bits of info here and there. You have never really done plan B.

I also would like to remind you that you cannot take someone else's sitch and apply it to yourself. They are different people and while the effects and signs of A's are all the same, there are unique dynamics to every situation. Some WS' respond one way when exposed and others another. If we were all the same every time, then exposure would always work...100% of the time. Your wife is "out" with her affair. Exposing on FB would do what? You have already exposed, everyone already knows. You have a restraining order and don't want to be perceived as harassing her.

I'm sorry Mark, but you really need to stick around here and follow the advice on **Your** thread and not someone else's.

And you know I'm telling you this cuz I love ya bro.

CV

Mark, i understand. I even now see other people's sitchs and think, "I could have done so much better." It is all a part of Plan B. It really is. I had those thoughts, when I was triggered, or when I had "small" contact(through the kids telling me things). But you know what, when it clears, I usually feel better, and KNOW that I did the best I could. What also helps is going back over my own thread and SEEING what I did, and how far I have come.

The only thing I worry about is that the longer you are away from here, the more likely you are to break Plan B. I have see it countless of times. Someone leaves MB because it triggers them, or they think they understand it, and don't need the support anymore, only to come back and tell us they broke Plan B, or they are themselves wayward.

Take a break, get your head on straight and come back better.

Oh, and BTW, Plan B is also NO CONTACT WITH OTHER PERSON. Come on Mark, you knew that.

Mark.
You are letting your emotions rule you versus cut and dried implementation of solid plans to ride this ride.

Other sites will confuse you more than this one.

If you are on several sites, you will be on an additional roller coaster to the actual marriage one. You will be getting conflicting input from each group of people from each forum that will be difficult to work with emotionally.

This is one of the problems... He posts on other sites.

I guess the ride from last bight is over. Spent much time in prayer and with spiritual counsel and I'm in a much better place. Cv, you are right in that my wife hasn't expressed a desire to reconcile but I prefer to call it what it really is. She's willfully chosen to live in sin. And sin can be overcome.

Yes, I understand every situation is different. But the D is no closer than it was when we went to the was supposed to be the final hearing in march or the botched mediation in may or the failed mediation in august. As a matter of fact, we're further away given that now we have to await custody process with its investigation and such. We still have to do mediation. Oh, yeah. There's also the chapter 13 BK that will likely slow things down. We may even have to wait for vehicles to be sold because she refuses to give me my car and I refuse to let her just take it from me. So, we're really not that close.

And understand I don't go around asking about ww. People give me unsolicited info. Now the deal with the om was all me. And it was not for the purpose of reexposing to her realm of influence, but his, which was never done. But you're probably right in that she would continue to play revolving door.

As far as other sites go, I don't actually go there for advice. I started a thread there before I knew about MB so I do still update for those who have followed my thread (its 55 pages long now). Most of my time there now is actually spent promoting and pushing the MB principles that I do believe in. If say they don't like reading books, I outline the HAHN or SAW concepts to them and further direct as questions arise.

I'm sorry you're hurting Mark. I agree, take some time. We'll be here.

I guess it's all over. Had meeting with GAL today. She said that she had already knew that ww had another man in her life, and even knew it wasn't the same that resulted in PO. She said she knew that my daughter knows about him. I showed her the facebook pic of daughter and she said it doesn't concern her that much. She said it's no different than being in a swimsuit, except she's topless. Basically, she said I don't have a chance at custody.

She said except that you are getting a divorce and move on. My efforts have been valiant for my marriage and my family, but I believe it is now over. Time to write a new chapter.

Signing off.

Mark you are far from being done in terms of personal recovery. The rollercoaster is still spinning you along. Stay in your seat till the ride comes to a complete STOP.

I just dont want to see you become one of those BSs who makes sporadic contact with their spouse and lets them jerk them around for cake eating.

Nor do I want to see you fall prey to some inappropriate woman who meets a paltry need because you are starving.

These are very real pitfalls for those walking with the wound of betrayal. to avoid them, you need a plan.



I think it is very hard for men to go dark and let their WWs become invisible to them. But you cannot make any headway with healing until you go dark. And until you are healed, your decisions mean nothing.

Every piece of news about her reopens the wound. Close that door tight. Just sit back and put yourself first for a bit before making any decisions. A proper Plan B is about you. What are you doing for you? What is your life being built up to be?

How many plans have you made to do stuff that's fun for the coming weeks?

Any bucket list stuff? Your career?

You are as strong as you build yourself to be in Plan B. It is not about her at all.

Mark,
You can not control your WW.
You can not control the advice others give you (the GAL, us, others)

You can control yourself.

Please choose to have the bestest time with your child while with her, to release WW to the powers that be and to turn away from her while she is wayward. To turn away over and over and over again as she is continuing to be against your love.

Put your love for her in a pocket and think fondly of it and move onward, away from her unless the day comes when she runs up to you with the right attitude to reconsider her.

You can only control yourself.

That is plan B.

I was sitting here giving myself the little pep talk saying "Mark, just accept that you're getting a divorce". Over and over I repeated it and I'm not even sad or anything.

But then I realized that I've done this before. Before what was to be our final hearing in march, I did it days prior and walked in there ready to move on. But it didn't happen.

Before our 1st failed mediation attempt in may, I rehearsed it over and over and was ready to get things settled and move on. We never even got a chance to start because of a mix-up. It didn't happen.

When we went in August to another attempted mediation attempt, I told myself the same thing but I did raise the question about custody. Well, because of that it didn't happen.

Now, 8 months later, yet again I'm telling myself to move on. I guess, in some ways there is still disappointment about the end of my marriage. There is disappointment about my ww and her lack of repentance for what she's done. There is some disappointment about what seems to be a failed attempt at custody of my daughter.

But there is also some disappointment in that everytime I give myself this talk and get to a comfortable level of acceptance, the door does not shut and the emotions return. I'm almost afraid to let go and move on to only see that door remain open yet again.

How do you deal with that?