SG,

I think I mentioned earlier that after exposure the A blew up quickly in my case. It was within several days that my H started talking reconciliation. He moved home about a month later, but only after all the conditions had been met.

PLEASE don't give up your upper hand here! This is a very unique time period in which you call the shots - and you need to!

I know it can be tough to come on here wanting to rejoice and feel like everyone is slapping handcuffs on you, but restraint is crucial right now! There have been too many false recoveries because the faithful spouse let the unfaithful spouse walk right in too easily.

Now is the time to expect:

1. Full disclosure of the affair - have any and all questions answered. If you feel, even in the slightest that WH is not being honest, you have the right to a polygraph.

2. No Contact - for life! No "I need closure" - nothing! Get that letter done. His part of No Contact also means a new job, right away. Personally I would say no moving home until he has a new job. (I was fortunate the OW was in another state.) For your part, you need to verify No Contact - as with the suggestions above.

3. Accountability: Your H needs to be totally transparent in every aspect of his life - his whereabouts, his thoughts, his actions, etc...

4. A 100% commitment to the marriage and to true recovery. This means more than traditional counseling. It means your H has to be willing to do the MB program: every book, every questionnaire, every counseling session if you do the online program ... and to give himself over to the process. (You too, of course.)

5. STD testing before any physical involvement.

It's so easy for the WS to say all the right things to get back into the marriage. They may even mean them, even if they are still foggy. The thing is, once they've gotten what they want - the BS back in their pocket - the motivation to do the real work of recovery can be gone in an instant. That's when a false recovery can occur way too easily.

So happy for you that exposure is working the way it was intended! Just remember - proceed with caution! If at this point you sense any defensiveness in your H at all, it should be a red flag.

Thank you for all of your support ans suggestions. I am being very cautious. I am not letting him back in the house or move back home. I have told him there is a lot of things that have to change and be done first. I do not want another false recovery either. The first one was bad enough even if it was only a short time period.

I do have a list of things that need to happen for us to start working on our marriage. I know I had mentioned blocking the OW's phone numbers. He will be doing that in front of me on the phone. I will also be having his work phone logs sent to me as well as the texting logs. He knows this and was okay with it. As before he was not willing to do this b/c he was still speaking with her.

I have told him that before we are intimate that we both have to be tested for STD's. He was okay with that. He said he understood.

I am still in contact with the OWH so if for any reason I have any doubt I will just call him.

I don't think my WH would post here. I have the book Surviving an Affair. I actually bought and read the book before the false recovery was discovered. Then I just happened along this website and was reading it was thought it sounds familiar. God is awesome like that. But he won't read the book, but I know it is also on CD. So I am willing to get that for him. He really has no choice about doing the questionnaires on here. He will do them if he wants to work on this marriage.

I'm pretty sure I know what caused the sudden change. He totally hit rock bottom of Friday night when we were texting back and forth and I was telling him how it was going to be. (ie: setting up the rules for when he has our son, and such forth) He realized that he had nothing. Not me, not our son, no friends b/c he had isolated himself so much, and not even his OW.

I am still going to be cautious b/c I learned the first time I can't trust anything that he tells me. There has to be actions to support what he is saying.

I promise I am going to be careful and I will take all of the advice. Starting with the no contact letter. Thank you for all your help.

Don't they work together?

No, Survivor. You need to SET THE BAR HIGH.

He can't work with her anymore. He has to quit that job.

Don't block her number - he needs a new number.

No Contact letter.

Do these things first.

Do that. And make sure the new phone has your spyware on it.

They work for the same company but not "together". He use to be her boss but his job he travels to the different stores. So he is no longer her boss. As far as the new phone number goes I am going to try to do that but again this is his work phone and the company pays for the phone and the service. I'm not sure how to get the spyware stuff on that phone b/c off all the security stuff already on it.

I did speak to him tonight about the things that we need to put into action to make sure there is no contact. He was very receptive to what I want.

If you have any ideas about how to do the work cell phone different please let me know. He works for a bank so all his work stuff on the phone has high security.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. Ask how receptive your cheating spouse is to switching jobs. Mine suggested that to me after I had an emotional affair with an ex g/f and I have since switched jobs and now work 10 mins. from home and am happy as anything to have more time with my wife who I betrayed and I won't kid you. This isn't at all easy. I have done many things in my life, but none of which I am more ashamed. My wife had an 9 year old son from a previous marriage and she plans things well soon turned into she micromanages. Everything. I love her to death and I will never leave her or betray her trust again. Some days are good, but each one is a part of the healing process I caused a need for. So I will give her whatever help and support I can to try to someday be trustworthy in her eyes again. I hope that you and your wife can likewise work things out....we have done all the free videos on this website and have read His Needs/Her Needs, and are beginning to be able to implement it into our lives more every day. I got cold feet before my FIRST marriage and dealt with it by turning to an ex (who was going thru a divorce at the time) for support. Please let everyone know, this is about the most STUPID thing anyone has ever done, and I not only hurt my wife and her opinions of my, but also my own views of myself and what I thought was "OK".
I will never be so STUPID again as long as I live. I only hope to let my wife know that this IS so. Good Luck......Jeff

I also had a problem deleting the OW phone #. I couldn't see how wrong I was until I took the time to understand things from my wifes' POV. I feel very foolish and wish every day for the chance to go back and undo my mistakes, but we all know that isn't really possible. I just want to let everyone know to use this site to the fullest advantage. This is only my second post and I am trying to do EVERYTHING I can to make up to my wife the terrible hurt and wrong I have done. It really ISN'T worth it at all. I Love my Wife very much and want more than anything to see her happy. I wish you both luck with your KILLING OFF THE OFFENSIVE CONTACT. It's just one step in a lifelong journey in the right direction. Jeff

SG,

You have two HUGE problems here.

First, if they still work for the same company, (a) this likely means they will have easy access to each other, through work phone, email, just pop in at each other's buildings, etc. (b) he will be triggered each time he goes to work...and you will too.

There have been other posters here who tried implementing NC while the affairees still worked together but just in different locations, and every one that I can think of did not work out.

Secondly, you wrote in your first post that she lives five minutes away from you. This is another big problem. I am sorry to tell you but you will most likely have to move. Again, same reasoning, the risk for the affair reigniting is TOO high to live that close to the OW and even if for some reason you were to prevent contact, you will both be triggered and keep getting set back.

Would your WH be open to moving in order to recover your M? If not, you may want to start making plans to move to Plan B and move yourself in the hopes that he will eventually join you. Sorry you are going through this...

74 (Jeff)

Instead of posting on anothers thread, start your own? You'll get help, and not distract from this posters' topic.

I would but couldn't figure out how to start my own thread. Thanks for the advice Surfer88.

74 - go for it. Pretty sure you'll figure it out. You'll be welcomed here.

I read this and I'm sick with worry for you. This is almost worse than working together in the same location. They still have the bond of 'shop talk'. And as a travelling manager his time is fairly flexible. I used to manage retail stores. I did have occasions where I had to travel between stores. I could have killed an afternoon shopping and no one would have known!

Will they EVER see each other at work? Do they work out of the same building? Will they ever attend the same meetings? EVER?

We have talked about moving. I thought I put that in there but maybe I forgot. He knows we have to move b/c she is to close. He is actually the one who brought it up first. So I thought that that was a good sign.

Then today happened. Yep, apparently she must have called him first thing this morning b/c I called him around 8:30 and he had already talked to her. I asked why he answered the phone and he said it was a blocked number. I told him yes that's how she calls me and I don't answer. Duh, really? Well, guess what he asked me to do "for him" (not for him it's for her b/c does not benefit him or us at all!) He asked me to tell OWH that I lied about the video. Um, not no but NO WAY IN HELL AM I DOING THAT! She told WH that her husband is telling the kids she is a porn star and that she slept with another man. Told my WH that is not our problem. What they do in their family is between them and I don't care. So no I'm not doing that b/c it would just benefit her. He got mad and starting telling me how cold hearted I am b/c of the kids. Told him I don't believe a thing that comes out of her mouth. He was trying to make me feel guilty b/c I wouldn't do this "for him".

So I text her after I got off the phone with WH, and told her to stop calling my husband and that we don't care what happens in her family. She then text me back and tells me that she is going to the police b/c I left her a message last week telling her to leave my WH alone and called her an adulterous whore. She's threatening deformation per se. She has no case I have already checked on that. Anyway, I told her that she had no case and I know my rights. That if anything I can go to the police and her boss with the harassment she has been giving me and WH. She then tells me that I need to produce a video to back up my story. I replied, "I can do better than that."

Needless to say that she texted or called WH to tell him of this exchange and threaten me to him. She is grasping a straws and she's scarred. Good she needs to be scarred. She messed with the wrong person when she messed with me.

Then WH tells me this afternoon that he is not going to call for a couple days(he calls to talk to our son), and he might go away for the weekend to just think.

So I'm back to not knowing what the hell is going on.

No. He has no reason or cause to ever go to her store. And as far as meetings go. No since he is not her DM anymore he really should have no contact with her concerning work. But that doesn't mean it won't happen.

Which is why I want him to quit and he is not willing to right now.

Your husband is trying to set you up and manipulate you into covering up for his OW. That is all that is happening here. You need to inform the OWH of this, expose at the workplace and then go dark in Plan B.

This happened too fast to be believable. I am sorry, SG.

You are being played.

Just stay strong, SG! It is not unusual for a wayward to waiver as they go through withdrawal. It's important you do not budge an inch off your stance.

My personal example: my H wanted me to tell (at Skankho's request) OWH that I lied about the affair. If I did this - they would never speak again, etc... Because the OWH was supposedly "abusive" - H "needed to protect her." Well, I about barfed! I said, "Yeah, and who's going to protect me?!"

I held my ground - said I would do no such lying. Then OW had the nerve to call me. I told her she better own up to what she did and work on her own marriage. (She threatened me with legal action too...no grounds, of course.)

Just want you to know that what you are going through is not uncommon. Stay committed to your plan and to your requirements. Holding your ground now will pave the way for true reconciliation.

Your H is possibly trying to use this "need time to think" to control you - to make you give in. Hmmm, maybe YOU need time to think!

Anyway, don't let it throw you off course.

And I would knock off the convo's with OW now, if I were you. There's no use arguing with a lying cheat who is STILL lying.