I'm new here. I will give you some back story so you know what is going on. My H has been having an A for a little over 2 yrs. It started while we were going through IVF in 2009 and has continued through to present day. He came to me in August and "confessed", but then on October 16th I found a video of them having sex after he had told me it was over and there was no contact. I had been doing Plan A, but since the discovery of the video I have implemented Plan B. He has moved into his sisters house, but he calls. I am still getting questions answered and I would like to let the OW's H know about the A but WS doesn't want me talking to him. WS just wants to move past "all this drama" and move on with life. I on the other hand am not sure that he is not talking to her still. I have asked for call and text logs for his work phone and he still hasn't requested them from the carrier. What am I doing wrong? I try not to talk about her but then something triggers and I have more questions. WS is tired of answering questions and just wants me to let it go. I know we are going to have to move once we start recovery but right now he wanted some time to figure out why he did this and I need time to forgive him. But she works for the same company but not in the same building, and she lives about 5 minutes from our home. They would meet at her house to have sex. So I'm having all kinds of issues. I need some advice. I have read the Surviving an Affair book but my WS won't read it. I emailed him some of it and he has yet to read that. I'm so confused right now.

Expose to her husband, and everyone else with influence.

I really want to but my WH keeps telling me he's going to come to the house looking for him. I know he deserves it and he would do that also if the situation were turned around. He is also scarred of losing his job, and her losing her job. I don't care if that whore losses her job I hope she does. But the thing is HR already knows about the A b/c the OW used to be directly under his management. So after he told me about the A he took 2 weeks off work and had her transferred to another district manager. I should still tell the OW H huh?

AMJ, the biggest mistake you have made is keeping the affair a secret. By keeping it a secret, you are enabling the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret, keeps it alive. If you want to kill it and save your marriage, you should expose the affair wide and far without warning.

Start by exposing the affair to the OW's husband. Give him a call and give him the evidence. On the same day, you should expose to the OW's facebook contacts and to their employer. Expose the affair to your husbands family and friends. Ask them all to use their influence to persuade him to end his affair.

When you expose to the workplace, send a letter [I will post a template] to the Director of Human Resources, a key VP, and both their bosses. Be sure and cc them all on the letter so no one is tempted to throw the letter away.


Go to the OW's facebook page and copy and paste all her contacts into a WORD doc. Send out this letter to her facebook contacts SPACING IT 60 SECONDS APART SO THEY DO NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING:

AMJ, there are no guarantees, but this is your best hope of saving your marriage. You have enabled this affair for a very long time so there are no easy answers, but if it can be saved, this might do it.

When your husband finds out you exposed his affair, he will try to contact you because he will be furious. But since you are in Plan B, he won't be able to get through.

Did you send him a Plan B letter? Do you have an intermediary?

Your husband's victim won't need to come to the house if you tell him where your husband is living. I would give him your husbands current address and his cell phone #. Offer to be his ally in killing this affair and give him your sympathy. Your husband has done a horrendous, despicable thing to this man and his children.

AMJL,

Welcome to MB.

You don't have a firm grasp of the plans and you are all over the place. If you are still talking to your WH, then you are not in Plan B...yet.

You are still in Plan A. You can do this even though your WH is out of the home. Try to be pleasant, avoid lovebusters and stop trying to "talk" to him about his affair. Don't try to get your WH to read SAA or tell him about exposure or anything else you are reading on this site.

This is very salveageable but you need to put your focus into killing this affair. Luckily, you have a powerful weapon available to you that you haven't used yet ~ exposure.

I see that Melody posted to you regarding exposure and I encourage you to follow all of the advice she has given you.

hang in there!

You have a moral responsibility to expose your husband to the OW husband. Also to your family and friends. Of course he wants to sweep it under the rug. He wants to avoid dealing with the issues. Tell him the questions will continue until you are satisfied and that if there is any hope of recovery he must implement 100% no contact for life, write a no contact letter, implement EP's that are agreeable to both of you and never...MEVER.. set a timetable on your recovery

CV

expose

AMJL,

Your husband is not ready for recovery. Some waywards don't come back hat in hand right away because they are going through withdrawal, but yours isn't showing ANY kind of readiness to put your marriage back together properly!

He will be angry that you exposed the affair - of course he doesn't want you to! Your marriage can survive the short term anger. It can NOT survive continued contact with this OW or even just the continued fantasy of the OW which is what will happen if that fantasy world isn't shattered.

Exposure will shatter that fantasy world. It must be done. The OW's husband deserves to know.

AMJL, not only is it the right thing to do as a human being, but the fact that your WH has already expressed concern about OWH knowing shows you that OWH is your most powerful exposure target.

Expose this to him asap.

Thank you for all your advice. I woke up today horribly nauseous and eye twitching because of all this stress. I have decided to go to their home and tell the OW's husband. I just don't feel comfortable going alone so I will be taking a friend with me. I also have to arrange childcare for my son. That won't be hard b/c all of our friends know about the A and are willing to help me with our son and anything else.

The only thing that I didn't feel right about were the letters to the employer. I know I shouldn't worry about it, but this is our only source of income. So I'm scarred of him losing his job, even though HR does already know about the A. Plus I don't have any emails for these people to send a letter to, much less an address.

VEry good, AMJ. That is the right thing to do. And I would also expose this to the OW's facebook friends, ALL of your parents, and close friends. You need to do a very comprehensive exposure in order for this to be effective. Don't do just a little exposure. The more people that are talking to him, the greater the chance that someone will get through to him.

When you speak to his parents, encourage them to call him up and use their influence to persuade him to end his affair. This needs to happen all on the same day.

Does his sister know the extent of this or does she think he's living there because "y'all are having problems."

She needs to know and, because your husband needs to hit rock bottom to truly end this affair, hopefully she'll toss his butt on the street.


Translation: This guy doesn't know about the affair and might kick my [censored]. That would be painful. I don't want to see any consequences for my actions. Too, her husband might stop his wife from screwing seeing me.


He's still talking to her because...



You're asking someone to give you damning evidence against them when they don't want to get caught.


Of course he is! You're bothering him with all this honesty and marriage stuff while he's trying to get his groove on with the chick from work!


Expose it to the workplace as others suggested.


And they probably still are. Sorry, but the truth is that won't change until you get seriously pissed off and blow the lid off this secret of theirs.


Save your breath, he isn't going to read anything right now. Right now, he's focused on how to get you to quiet down with all the complaining about his girlfriend.

You have a shot at busting this thing up. So get busy!

So WH told me he had interviews all day today. So I have the Sprint Family Locator on our phones, I located him and it was nowhere near one of his stores. He is a District Manager. I googled what was in the area and there is an Extended Stay America right there. So I immediately start thinking that they are together at this hotel. I call him and he doesn't answer. He calls me back a few minutes later and he tells me he's at one of his stores. After I got off the phone with him I called the hotel to see if there was a room under his name or hers. There wasn't. But then I thought, of course they wouldn't use their real names! So I located him again and he was at that store.

Am I just being crazy? Because I kinda feel like that, but he won't tell me what hotels they met at. Just said it was over by work.

And he's not helping me with this whole thing because he is being all Jekyll and Hyde on me. One minutes his nice telling me he loves me and misses me then he is yelling at me and cursing at me. I never know what to expect.

I don't know what I should be doing. I have lined up someone to watch my son on Monday and a friend to go with me to speak to the OW's husband. So I know next week is not going to be good, even though my WH says he doesn't care if I talk to him anymore.

HELP!!!

AMJL, none of your history is here - its on the other thread so posters wil not know how to respond - click the notify button below and ask the mods to merge this into your original thread so everything is together.

I am not sure why you are surprised he is lying to you. Last time you were on here he was an active wayard and you were told to expose.

Gather your evidence
dont let him know you are snooping
dont let him know you are about to expose
expose to everyone - your side, his side, OWs husband and the workplace. (definitely the workplace - OK?)

Without tough love you arent going to get anywhere and you will continue hearing lies and seeing bad stuff like this.

Jekyll and Hyde behaviour from a wayward is normal.

Waywards dont help. And they shouldnt be told anything.

How do I reveal to the workplace? I don't have any of the contacts and don't know any names of his boss. He is a district manager so he has a "main" office downtown but is rarely there. He's always driving around to the stores. So I never know where he is or where he is going.

I do want to confront the OW, and I want to do that at her store. because she was under his management until he told me about the A.

Find the information about who to contact by doing a search for the company's website and then finding out who the Pres and VP are, as well as addressing a letter to the HR dept and to their corporate attorney. Make sure you show the CC in the bottom of the letter, so no one will be tempted to throw it away.

Is it against the store's policy for anyone to date someone within the company who is at a different level than them? I know it is at my workplace, and both employees would be fired if that were the case.

Is there a reason why you are dragging this out? Why have you not exposed this affair, AMJ?

Please expose the affair and make plans to go into Plan B. Since you have enabled his affair for so long, I don't have high hopes, I have to be honest. I would ask him to move out. His abuse is going to land you right in the mental hospital with a nervous breakdown soon enough.

Call his district office and ask for the names of the Director of Human Resources and a key company Vice President. Don't confront the OW until later. Right now, focus on exposing the affair.

And DO NOT warn him of your actions.

You must do everything at once. Why can't you do it tomorrow?

I have wanted to go to the OW's husband the whole time but my WH and even our counselor told me not to! We have since stopped going to that counselor.

WH is not living at home. Once I found the video of them having sex on his phone I kicked him out. He keeps telling me it's over and he doesn't want to go back to her. That he loves and misses me. But so far it's all words and no actions to prove it's over and he wants to work on the marriage.

I can't do it tomorrow because she will be home and she knows what I look like. She won't answer the door. And I didn't want to have to tell the OW's husband about his WW in front of their children. He can tell their children. That's not my place.

But, if he is there, he can answer the door. You don't have to tell him in front of his children. You can ask him to step outside. Either that, or you could call his house, disguising your # with *67 and ask for him.

His sister and Mom both know he "had" an affair. They do not really know everything. I have asked his sister if I could talk with her to tell her why we are really separated. She agreed. Do I need to do this on Monday as well since that's when I'm exposing to the OW's husband? And call his mom and tell her the WHOLE ugly truth? He is not close with his Dad at all. They barely talk so I don't think he will have any influence on him. If anything it will be the sister he's living with. Although, she just got divorced after her kids went to college b/c her husband had A's the entire marriage, she knew and stayed with him so the kids would have a father. So needless to say, I feel like this is what my WH expects of me. But I told him that's not how I roll.

The only hold up I have about the work exposure is him losing his job. He is the only income we have. I am a SAHM. So if he loses his job I don't know what we will do. He was looking for another job but nothing. So that's my hesitation with that one.

I've been trying to get their home phone number to call him but I can't find it. I think they are unlisted.

I would call up ALL of his family members and tell them about the affair and ask them to use their influence to persuade your H to end his affair. Give them all the facts and tell them who the OW is.

I would do your exposures this weekend.

Additionally, it is a good idea to expose to the OW's facebook contacts because you can hit her closest family and friends. Go to her facebook page, copy all her contacts into a WORD doc for safe keeping. Change your facebook pic to one of you and your husband. Send all these people a PRIVATE MESSAGE asking them to influence that ho to leave your husband alone. SPACE THE MESSAGES OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING.

Do you have a friend or pastor who can go there with you?

Okay about the FB thing. All her stuff is set to private friends only. I can't get her contacts. So I can't expose them there. But I can do it to my WH's FB friends.

Is your WH not her friend? Can you go in under his account and get her friends?

\
Can you find her husband on facebook? Do a search for his name and see if you can find some of their family members that way.

No he is not her friend on FB.

FB is tricky,

Check your settings to make sure she is not blocked on your page, OW could have you and or your WH blocked as well. If you know her create a second page, and pretend to be someone from her HS. You only need a day on her wall to get her friends. My WW used all sorts of tricks on FB to keep me in the dark.....since DDay, I am a FB blood hound, and my WW knows I watch her every move.

Do what ever you have to do to kill the affair, no recovery can happen until then.

Good Luck, God Bless...

Do it all at the same time. You don't want to do a bit here and a bit there because it'll give him the chance to spin it to those you haven't reached yet.

Make sense?


Contact his father, anyways. You never know what influence he may have and don't want to leave any stone unturned.

But, above all, talk to the OW's husband. Call his workplace, follow him in your car, whatever it takes to get in touch with him.



Hesitation understood. But if you divorce, you won't have his income, either. Things have a funny way of working themselves out so you should tell the workplace, but he cannot be around this OW if your marriage is to ever stand a chance.

I went to the OW's house on Monday and told the husband. He did not believe me at first. I had brought the call logs from the cell phones, he made excuses that they worked together so they had to talk. I then had to describe to him the bedroom they had sex in that I saw on the video. His response was, "We don't have a ceiling fan." But I saw that he had started to believe me at the end. I didn't want to tell him about the video b/c I could see how much this was already hurting him. He asked for my contact info and I gave him my cell number. Maybe that wasn't a good idea, I don't know. But I also gave him my WH's phone numbers. Needless to say that WH is super pissed at me and blaming the consequences of his actions on me. Now the OW is contacting him and letting him know what the husband is doing, such as, calling people at their work and telling them about the affair and video, and calling my WH non-stop. The OW's husband was calling me non-stop but has stopped. I didn't talk to him again, because my WH said that he was being violent. I didn't want to get my son into any danger so I haven't answered those calls. But my WH finally spoke to the OW's husband and he denied having an A with her. I COULD NOT BELIEVE MY EARS!! Really? He can't even take responsibility for his own actions. I know he's scarred of getting his [censored] kicked but that what happens when you sleep with someone else's wife.

Right now I don't know what is going to happen with me and WH. He doesn't want to do counseling together. But he hasn't come right out and said I don't want our marriage to work either. But then he hasn't said he DOES want our marriage to work. I figure that is normal with him being so angry at me. But I had told him I was going to talk to the husband. He just didn't think I'd really do it. And he thinks I lied to him about it b/c I told him on Sunday I wasn't sure when I was going. I had planned to do this many times and chickened out. But I didn't on Monday. Plus I told him I was not going to tell him when I went b/c then he would just call the OW and let her know I was going to her house. That's dumb.

Anyhow, I'm not real sure what I do now. Do I just wait? I was thinking of going out of town to my Mom's for a week to let things cool down and defuse. What are y'all's thoughts on that?

Sorry this was long, but I just got my computer back today.

AMJ, good job in speaking to the OWH! I would return his phone calls and tell him about his wife's continued contact with your husband and with you. You must stay in touch with him in order to kill this affair.

Did you do the other exposures as we suggested? I would get them ALL done now including exposing to the OWs parents. Call them up and ask them to persuade their daughter to leave your husband alone.

Do not tell him in advance about your exposures. Just do them without warning. A WS should never be forewarned. You want them to be surprised.

Did you give the OWH the video tape? He has a right to have that tape.

I would also DEMAND that your husband end all contact with the OW and find another job. Your marriage will never recover until ALL contact ends. If he wont do that, you need to ask him to leave.

"But my WH finally spoke to the OW's husband and he denied having an A with her. I COULD NOT BELIEVE MY EARS"

Liars should be expected to lie. You don't need his admission to know truth, but be sure and give the OWH the tape so he knows your H and his skanky wife are lying liars. You need to support the OWH and work with him to kill this affair.

Amj, I see that you are separated so never mind asking him to leave! But you do need to give the OWH the tape and FINISH your exposures. Call all your H's family and friiends and tell them. Call his sister today!! Ask them all to call him to persuade them to leave this married woman alone.

Don't stop while you have them on the ropes.

Who said he was being violent--your husband?

Consider the source of that, please. Of course he said OW's H was violent...he wants you to back off.

As MelodyLane said, keep in touch with the husband. From what you've posted, you hit a nerve. Good job!

Keep the momentum up.

The OWH should also be told that these liars are calling him "violent." and if the OWH is violent, then lying to him is stupid. Lying will make him more violent. So get that tape to him ASAP! You are doing great!

This is just my personal opinion, based on my experience.
I would NEVER have taken my husband back as my husband if he had not confessed the affair to OWH.

I know myself.
I cannot really love a man whom I do not respect.

What your WH did when he lied to OWH would be a deal killer in my eyes.

AMJL,

I was told the OWH's was violent and abusive as well. After I exposed my husband told me I was going to responsible for a murder-suicide!

Yeah - well, those who knew the OWH closely said he had never been violent his entire life. In fact, his brother and SIL said he was a slave to OW - whatever she wanted, he did.

It is highly unlikely that the OWH is truly violent. Never say never - but it is usually the first thing a cheating woman says about her husband, that he's abusive. SICK...but true.

I don't have the tape. It was on his cell phone and he ripped it away from me before I got a chance to get it off the phone. It is now deleted. But I could describe the room to detail. And I have never been inside their house.

Oh and her parents already know. On the video, my WH asks her if she had talked to her mom and she said yes, she told her mom it was a coworker.

The OW is the one who has been telling my WH that her husband is violent. She told my WH that he had punched hole in the walls in their house. I told my WH that it was better the wall than her.

I will call the OWH and see what he wanted or needs.

It would be GREAT if you called them up and asked them to persude their daughter to leave your husband alone. Tell them he is a MARRIED MAN so his future with her is ruined. You can also tell them that OW tells everyone the OWH is "violent."

And what about your WS's sister and parents? Did you tell them?


Good job!! Keep up the pressure and get all these exposures done today if you can. You need to get them done so you can move onto the next step. You are doing great!! Don't let up!!

Probably because he knows his wife is having an affair - sometimes husbands become physically distraught.

You'll notice he didn't strike HER.

Okay I am trying to figure out how to get her parents phone number. I guess I could ask the OWH for the number.

Right after I posted my WH called to check on me and see if I was okay. Then right after I hung up with him the OWH called. That was weird. But we only got to talk for about 5 minutes until she came in the room.

Basically, he still doesn't believe me. He is making excuses for the phone calls. I gave him my WH's other 2 cell phone #'s he had, he changed his number this spring. So I gave him those and told him to look for those on the bills. He said he would. I also told him that they are still texting. She is texting my WH to let him know what he(OWH) is doing. And that she is telling my WH that he(OWH) is violent. He does not sound violent. He sounds sad and hurt. He is trying to piece this together, and I understand b/c I spent 2 months doing that.

I was about to start describing the room again when she walked in. He said he would call me tomorrow. I did tell him however that her Mom knows about the A b/c of what was said on the video. So he might go talk to her now. I hope he does.

I'm glad I answered the phone tonight. I knew that the OW was lying about her husband.

You did great! I figured that the OW and your H were gaslighting the OWH about the affair and that if you didn't say something, they would be successful. I would stay in touch with him and continue to give him as much information as possible.

Can you find her mothers contact info on facebook? Whitepages.com? If you can't find it, I would ask the OWH for the #.

Have you exposed the affair to your H's family yet? I would get that done. Be sure and let them know he outright lied to the OWH. Ask them to speak to your H and persuade him to end his affair.

My husband told me that too, that the OWH was mad and a violent man and that because of the exposure I put the OW in danger. I laughed at him and said I think that was you that did that by sleeping with his wife........That was the end of that conversation............
I would stay in contact with the OWH for a while just to compare notes,
Expose as many people as you can........They will not be able to continue without everyone watching, it will start them fighting about covering their stories.......
Score, that is what you want. Let the reality hit hard.........
My husband's OWH also seemed very sad, cried when we spoke in person for his family and his life.........didn't seem very violent to me......
The adultery partners will spin any story they have to in order to protect their own azz's ..............
Stay with it, in the mean time be sweet, look good, smell good.......firm always saying I will do anything I have to in order to save my marriage, do not feel bad or guilty about that........
If he is mad so what ......that is what you want...

I spoke to the OWH again this morning. He told me that she has been telling him I'm crazy and that I just want to break up their marriage. Well, in fact she texts me this morning that "Bravo! While your son is fine. My husband told our children I slept with M. U need to get your facts straight." I could not text her back at the time b/c I was driving so I called and left her a message. That said "Good I'm glad your husband told your kids what an adulterous whore their mother is. Stop contacting MY husband and just worry about your own husband." That might not have been a smart thing to do but I couldn't NOT respond. Then her husband calls me later and tells me that she has told him that they are not planning on stopping this A. And apologizes for not believing me the other day. He asks me how long the A was and I told him that the relationship started in Sept of 09. Right while we were going through fertility treatments to get pregnant. And that is what hurt the most. That they both did this while I was pregnant, but it did look like when I had the baby the relationship slowed down. But never did it stop.That she has his number saved under a different name in her phone. Of course she does. He hung up abruptly bc I heard her come in the room yelling at him. My WH then tries calling me and I didn't answer so he calls my sister and tells her that the OWH is recording our conversations and is going to go to HR. Well, I am too. I am trying to find the right people to contact. This is a HUGE company. My WH text me and tells me that I don't need to be calling him or calling her at work. That he's hurt b/c he feels like I'm conspiring against him with the OWH. That this all needs to stop before it becomes a legal issue. But I asked him how he knows the conversation was recorded. Did she tell him? Did he hear the conversation? If it was her that told him why does he believe her? That until he stops choosing her over me then to not call me. If he needs something he can text me. He doesn't answer the question. But he tells me that by calling her at work and leaving a message can create a legal issue for me. I don't think so. I didn't threaten her at all. I told her to leave my husband alone. If anything it will create a mess for her.

I think I'm doing okay right? I'm doing this right?

You're doing OK.
TRY to remain as unemotional as possible.

oopsie .... too late

You're doing GREAT!

Everything's not so rosey in lala land now is it? Exposure rarely ends the affair immediately. Sometimes it does (if you look around you can find examples on here), but what exposure does is lays the whole nasty thing out there for everyone to see and that starts the love birds fighting with each other which is the beginning of the end of the A.

Your job now is to finish up the exposures like everyone has suggested. Your H will be mad as you've seen, but tough.

Whatever you do, do not engage him in any arguements. If he tries to bait you into a fight, calmly reply that you'll be happy to talk to him when he's rational and then end the conversation.

He needs you to be the bad guy. How else can he justify what he's doing. But if you won't argue/fight with him, who's he going to blame then?

If you haven't heard it yet, get ready for the "I was going to give you a chance, but not now" speech. All waywards say that in one form or another.

Let him spew his anger and let it roll off you like water off a ducks back. He'll get over it soon enough.

H4U

You're doing great so keep it up!

Of course he's going to try to guilt you into stopping what you're doing. He wants you to let him have his affair without consequences! Next time he spews that BS, tell him to knock that crap off right now: if he hadn't had an affair, he wouldn't be in this mess and to try to blame it on you is flat out insulting. He can either quit cheating on you and get with the program or he can file for a divorce because you are DONE living with this mess and REFUSE to have a third party present in your marriage.

I suspect that he'll shape up once he figures out that you don't need to be married this badly.

And I think you did the right thing by responding to OW.

Keep it up!

Babble back when he spews nonsense.

WH: "You're conspiring against me."
You: "Do you know what conspiring means?"
WH: "Yes"
You: "It means something done in secret. It's no longer a secret that you are having an affair."

WH: "All this needs to stop. Do you want me to lose my job?"
You: "Don't worry. I'm sure your company has rules."

WH: "You're so hateful"
You: "I know. I hate adultery."

WH: "You're so bitter."
You: "That's because I am so sweet on the inside. How are you?"

What you say in response does not need to make sense.
It needs to be unexpected is all.
Your response needs to divert away from his nonsense.
WH does not get to set your agenda.

My WH's family is NO HELP at all! I just talked to his mom who had the nerve to ask me if I was being a "good wife" to him and maybe that's why he had an A! Are you freaking kidding me?!?! Then she goes on to tell me to make sure I don't do anything to jepordize his job. I said I'm not his actions are what will get him fired not me. I am so mad right now. I'm shaking. How dare she! And his sister has already told me I shouldn't have gone to the OWH or anything else! His family is no help to me. I can't believe this.

Good job!!!

Keep the heat up!! Have you been able to find skankyhola's parents and facebook friends?

The exposure letter for workplace should go to the director of Human Resources, a key VP and both their supervisors. I would get that off today while you have them on the ropes!!

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

Now, if you were going around saying OW was a prostitute and slandering her name by saying that she was a pedophile or a child-abuser, then THAT might be a legal issue.

What you're doing isn't.


He's probably either spun the story to his mother, or she herself has had an affair/affairs in the past.

He really needs our help. Do you want to bring him here? He is a wimpy sort of fella. If you brought him here would he keep it quiet from his WW?

Sorry to hear that they aren't supporting you.

At least you know who you cannot count on, and I'd just avoid talking to them about anything other than the weather.

You could always just say "I'm sorry to hear that you support H's adultery" but it'd fall on deaf ears. Like karmasrose said, he's either spun the story (and the comment about you not being a good wife would support that) or they had affair(s) of their own and lack the morals needed in this case.

So the OWH did record our conversation. At least when I asked him he told me yes he did. But how my WH got it I'm not sure. It's on his cell phone. Not sure if the OW sent it to him or if the OWH sent it to him. I'm just really sick of all of this.

I'm done with all that. I need to focus all my attention and energy on my 14 month old son and me. My WH has not respected the fact that I don't want to see or hear from him until all contact has been broken. But I am not backing down. When he made a comment about how he pays the mortgage I told him fine he can live hear and me and our son will go live somewhere else. His reaction was "you can take my son and run away" I told him I wouldn't run with our son. I'm not kidnapping him. Just living somewhere other than the house that he pays for. Then he pulled the same thing with my cell phone and I told him fine I'll just get a different one. He gave me my phone back. He is not use to me being like this. I am normally super sweet and don't really do confrontation. I'm not letting him walk all over me anymore. I am taking care of myself and my baby boy.

Hard part is he is going to have my baby Saturday-Sunday. I'm going to be lonely and sad and miss my baby like crazy!! How do y'all do this? (The ones with kids.)I know he needs to see his Dad, but it's like a part of me is missing. I have only been away from him once and that was last month for one night!

AMJL,

Why is he going to have the baby this weekend? My WW on DDay asked if I kicked her out would I let her see the girls. No.... I said as long as you are stealing time from them, you don't deserve the time with our children. I was trying to end the PA without exposing....it worked for a few days, but her fog was too thick. Exposure helped remove more fog, and kill the fantasy.

Tell him you are taking baby. He is not going to have the child as long as he is seeing another women. Be strong.

Wait to see what others say.

AMJ, don't get sidetracked from your exposures! Please finish up your exposures. Expose them at work and then go into Plan B. You have this affair on the ropes. Don't give up now. There is nothing wrong with the OWH recording your conversation. You didn't tell him anything that everyone shouldn't know anyway. The man is scared and just doing everything possible to save his marriage. His lying wife is denying the story, so he needed your testimony to support him.

Please don't give up. Stop taking your husbands calls. Send him a Plan B letter and GO DARK.

And why are you allowing him to take a baby for the full weekend? Does he have legal visitation rights?

You have no idea who this OW is and who your husband would be exposing this child to.

I'd tell him to get a court order if he wants visitation while he's having his affair.

Seriously, though, what's he going to do with a 14-month old all weekend? Wouldn't he rather do something with OW? You might ask him that.

I agree with Melody- time for a Plan B here.

I am doing Plan B letter today. I have told him that I want nothing to do with him while she is still in his life. I did not realize that I had an option to keep our son away from him. Which is why I agreed to let him have him for Saturday night.

I changed my site name b/c I don't want WH to find me on here.

From my perspective, AMJL, you are discouraged by the fuss over OWH's recording your conversations and by the lack of support from your WH's family. PLEASE don't let this discouragement get you down!

I can totally relate with what you are feeling. After I confronted my H about his A, I was recorded in my own home - by him. I felt very violated! (Long story)

I also got threatened with legal action from OW.

There is a sort of rollercoaster ride that goes along with all of the exposure and aftermath. At first you feel empowered. Then you feel sad and discouraged and just want it to go away. It comes in waves.

It's important to not let the down cycles get you to the point of inaction!

It's not surprising WH's family didn't support you: they are going to try and see the best in him and make excuses.

I agree with Mel that OWH seems like a wimp! HE needs help!!!

Press on - don't be sidetracked by threats and people who stand in the way!!!

GOOD FOR YOU for standing up to your WH. I agree with the others: time to go dark.

Mine was a case where exposure ended the affair within days - it CAN happen, but probably is not usual.

As for your son, I don't think now is the time for you to be allowing him to be with his father for a whole weekend - I agree with the others on that as well. He needs a good dose of reality that life isn't just going to be sweet and happy when he wants it to be. To me, letting him see his son right now is letting him have his cake and eating it too.

Is there a "form letter" for plan B?

SG, first off, tell me about your living arrangements? Are you at home now? Where does he live?

To go into Plan B, you need to get all your ducks in a row. That means you make arrangements for an intermediary to be your go between for any PERTINENT information.

For visitations, I would think of a way for him to see the child in a supervised setting where you don't have to see him. For example, your MIL could pick the child up a couple of times a week and allow him to visit the child at her home. You will need to specify that your child is to never be around his skank ho.

You WANT him to see his child, but you don't want the baby to be gone for overnights, you don't want your H in your home and you don't want to SEE him. So, start thinking about ways to make that happen.

When you go into Plan B, it will be up to you to keep him out. He will try to contact you and you can't read or respond to his messages. So that means you block him somehow. And when he attempts to contact you directly you should have your IM contact him and say "BS did not read your message. All messages have to be passed through me if you want to contact her."

Your H will go crazy at that becuase a WS does not like losing control over the BS. So be prepared to not let him through. And CHANGE YOUR LOCKS if you are in your house.

First finish exposing them AT WORK. That is a KEY exposure. And do not cut off contact with the OWH! Don't be mad at him for recording your call. He is a victim just like you.

Read this link: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

and this one: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2558482#Post2558482

When you do your letter, post it here so we can give you feedback.

SG,

Expose and surround yourself with those who will help you. You have to be strong. I would be shocked if OM parents are ok with not seeing their grandchild.

Keep posting.... We are on your side.

Quote

I did not realize that I had an option to keep our son away from him.

I'm just reading through your thread and i felt I had to say something here. You don't have the right to keep access to your child from your husband. However deplorable his behavior, doing something like this could hurt you legally. This was BAD advice. You are well within your rights to get a lawyer and force your husband's hand by setting up a legal separation agreement that spells out custody and support requirements, but without that agreement he has the right to access to his child just as he has the right to come back to the marital home, which means that if you change the locks he can still gain access.

You want to do things the smart way? Contact a lawyer, the initial consultation is usually free.

Quote

Tell him you are taking baby. He is not going to have the child as long as he is seeing another women. Be strong.

Sorry but this is not good advice.

Oh my, of course you don't want to keep the child from him. That will be used against you in court - IN A BIG WAY. You want it on record that you offered him visitation and went to a great deal of trouble to facilitate it. That is why you need to arrange for visitation and send him a schedule with your Plan B letter.

SG,

You may not have the legal right to keep your son from him.....but did he plan this get away before he was discovered? You are not keeping his son from him, HE IS!! You are protecting your son from evil behavior. Remember.... He left, not you.

See a lawyer about custody arrangements. Make a call now, some can give you advice over the phone.

I was not advocate totally keeping your son away from him either. I certainly wouldn't let him just take him for the whole weekend, however, with the situation being somewhat volatile right now. (Exposure, threats of legal action, etc...)

I also would not advocate him taking the baby on HIS terms: that's where I felt the cake eating coming in.

You definitely need a plan of action - one that you are in control of.

Absolutely agree with SunnyD. He has no business taking a baby from his mother all weekend. But you want him to see the baby in a controlled, protected environment. And you want it on record that you made that offer.

Okay I am a little overwhelmed.

Living situations: I am still in the house. WH is living with his sister about 20 miles away.

I am looking for a job, daycare, and a place to live so I will not be under "his control" money wise.

I have also contacted someone for legal counsel. I probably won't hear anything back until Monday though.

As far as the visit with our son go. I need to lay down some rules, but I can not talk to him on the phone without his yelling and calling me names right now. So therefore we have been in contact via text.

Since we are not legally separated I can not change the locks. He would still be able to gain access to the house. So therefore, I have had my BIL install chains on the doors. Unfortunately, the doors are not the best so if he pushes hard enough it will break. But my reason for installing these is for mine and our son's safety.

Who did y'all use are your IM? A friend of both of yours? Someone from church? I don't know who to ask. I think it should be a man though b/c he doesn't have any respect for women right now.

Good call. WH's next step will probably be to cut the money flow since you're starting to push back. Also, with you and OW competing for his money, you'll be a lower priority.

The IM would be anyone that you're comfortable with. It would NOT be someone that is related to him or has the chance of being biased towards him or influenced by him or his family...but you probably knew that
I don't see that your husband's opinion of them is relevant.

No grandparents live around us. So they don't see him anyway.

After reading those letters, I realize I don't feel that way about my WH right now. He has been so hurtful and mean to me that I think he might have crushed any feelings I had left for him. I know that the love I once felt for him can come back, once he stops being this crazy man(I mean he has literally gone crazy). But I am having such a hard time calling on that love to write this letter. Wow, this is hard.

Agreed on the IM: Don't worry about whether or not it's someone he would regard as worthy - make sure it is someone you know will be strong and stand up for YOU!

As far as the house, you do realize, don't you, that it is YOUR house too, not just his - regardless of who pays for it?! You are his wife and mother of his child - and as such, deserve support! (Not to mention the support of his SON!) There is no reason on earth you should feel that you have to be in his control just because you live in the house. Unless you are living in a house that is way above means, I would not consider moving out if you feel it is best for you and the baby to be there.

Get legal advice - as quickly as possible. Get the names of all the BEST attorneys in your area and schedule consultations with ALL of them, asap. You won't use all of them, of course, but by consulting with them, you ensure your WH can't hire them.

Start putting money aside however possible. Start getting gift cards along with your groceries at the store for emergencies.

You need a separation agreement ASAP.

It is not a good idea to get a job now. Your husband will have to continue to support you and pay the bills.



Start thinking of ways you can set up regular visitation for him. It will have to be at someone's house. I wouldn't make it at his mother or sisters house because they might set you up. Perhaps his mother or sister can pick up the baby and he can visit for a few hours at their home?


Yes you can. It is not illegal in any state in this union to change your locks. I would have your BIL change the locks tomorrow.


You need to tell your attorney you are afraid of him and ask about a restraining order.


Get a man who can be completely neutral and who will agree to only pass on messages that are pertinent to finances and child visitation. A married couple would be great.

Do your best and put in your own words. The goal is to tell him not to contact you until he has ended his affair and ended ALL CONTACT with the OW and is willing to commit to a marital recovery program. In it you will tell him you expect him to continue to pay the bills and support you as usual. You would include a child visitation schedule and your arrangements for him to see his child. You need to tell him also that the child is never to be around his affair partner.

Post it here and we will help you.

surviver, your husband can't just abandon his wife and child and stop supporting you. That is not how it works. He has placed himself in a terrible legal position by abandoning you for his affair. He will have to continue to support you.

When you see the attorney tell him you don't want your H in the house, don't want his skank around your child and you need full support. Lay out what you expect and tell him to get that for you. If he tells you that you have to stay in contact with him or that you have to let him in the house, tell him NO, you aren't doing that. And he needs to make sure you don't have to.

Your average attorney is lazy and will take the path of least resistance unless you tell him what you expect. You need to make sure and do that.

Quote

Since we are not legally separated I can not change the locks. He would still be able to gain access to the house. So therefore, I have had my BIL install chains on the doors. Unfortunately, the doors are not the best so if he pushes hard enough it will break. But my reason for installing these is for mine and our son's safety.

Do you have a restraining order? If not, why are you chaining the doors? Not being able to change the locks means that you cannot deny access without a legal order.

You need to watch what you're doing right now. Could get yourself into some trouble.

I disagree. It is not against the law in any state in this union to change one's locks. She can and should change the locks on the doors in her own home. Yes she CAN deny access without a court order. Just WATCH HER do that.

I would contact a lawyer to see if you could change locks. I don't see why you couldn't .... Your husband has left with who knows who and you are fearful for your security. If he comes to the door and wants in, don't deny access.

Seek local advise. It should be given free during first visit.

Folks, you do not need to contact a lawyer to change the locks on your own home. It is not against the law in any state in this union to change your own locks.

Also, her husband has moved out of the home and abandoned her. He doesn't even live there anymore. If he wants to get into the house, he can go get a COURT ORDER to do that. [which he won't do because he won't want to have her explain to a judge WHY she changed the locks]

Great point ML.....

I would like to hear that explanation ....

WH ..."Judge I need back into my house to get my sexy jeans. My wife changed the locks when I moved out to screw my skanky girlfriend."

Judge..... "ACCESS DENIED!!!"

Change the locks today survival......

Be Strong. Keep posting

Agree with Mel. You absolutely can change the locks. There is no law that says you can't change your own locks.

You have a very good argument if he tries to gets a lawyer and tries to get back in. In Plan B, I changed my locks, and when I filed for D, it was very easy to get exclusive use of the home since he had left willingly and established another residence. I think that's the key.

If you have a garage opener, make sure to change the codes as well.

Agree w/Mel and Susie.

Your wh deserves nothing right now. But a plan B letter and an attorney to send him notice he is to appear in court immediately for a spousal and child support hearing.

He needs to realize he does not get a choice in the matter of abandoning his family. WE have courts who will gladly enforce this for you. And for his wayward convenience, they can easily garnish his paycheck, or take a portion of it and instantly transfer it to your account, if he is too busy skankin' around.

Get an attorney now. And MAKE them do what YOU PAY FOR THEM TO DO...YOU HIRE THEM, IT'S NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. They work for YOU.

No kidding. Just take your house key and "lose" it. There you go, if anyone asks you had to change your locks because you lost your key.

I don't know what or how it happened. But after a horrible day yesterday with tons of fighting. WH has decided that he only wants to be with me and our family. He is willing to quit his job and wants to move to another city. He has committed to blocking her phone numbers on his work phone until we move and he quits. He is a completely different person today.

I told him I am very guarded b/c I don't want to be hurt again. And I explained pretty much what I was going to say in the Plan B letter to him today. He understands that our fighting was killing any chance we were going to have at working on us.

When asked what he wants for our future his reply is I want my family back. He has said he is willing to do whatever it takes. He asked me what I want and I told him I want us to be completely honest with each other about everything even the hard stuff. I want us to be best-friends, I want to be the first person he thinks of talking to when something good or bad happens. I want us to be so in love that when we are 80 he still thinks I'm the most beautiful person. I also told him that once we have made it through all this, a long long long way down the road, that I would like us to renew our marriage vows. He said he thought that that was a wonderful idea. We will be starting marriage counseling again with a REAL marriage counselor that will give up certain steps to take to get through this. I am feeling very hopeful!

Oh and OWH has exposed to their work. So that has been done. So WH might lose his job. But he didn't the first time his job found out so who knows.

Instead of WH taking the baby today, we spent the day together as a family. That was WH idea. I was nervous about that at first but I wanted him to know I do want to work on our relationship. I'm glad we did that. We spent the entire day together and went out on a "family date night". I know our son really enjoyed having his Daddy around.

This is great right?!?!

Wow! That was a fast turn around and you are right to be cautious. A couple of things:

Since he is willing to do whatever it takes, you're in the drivers seat. I STRONGLY urge you to sign up for the online course here where you will have a personal coach AND direct access to Dr. Harley on a private forum.

But the 1st thing that needs to happen is that he needs to write a no-contact letter to OW, you read it and approve, and YOU mail it or have it delivered to her. There are samples here on the site.

The 2nd thing is he needs to come up with and put extraordinary precautions in place. Again there are samples for these.

Don't stop snooping quietly because waywards lie and sometimes take things underground. The last thing you need is a false recovery.

Good job on the exposures and killing this affair! But your work has just begun. Expect him to go through withdrawal. Not fair, but normal.

Stick with the plans and you'll become an MB success story.

Will your husband post? Before you invite him though, you might want to contact the mods about hiding this thread, just in case it's a false recovery.

Again good job!!!! And keep posting.

Oh, and you need to KNOW what happened between yesterday and today. We're they in contact?

surviver, I am cautiously optimistic for you. Your exposure has shaken the affair to its core. Well done!

Here's what you've got: a husband who is still currently wayward, but is starting to see some of the realities of his actions. He is still incredibly foggy. You need to be very clear with him about what he needs to do in order to come home. If you allow him to just move back in he'll try to cake-eat. Set the bar high. Tell him it is possible to earn your forgiveness, but there is much work to be done.

Do you have a list of requirements ready for him? He'll need to agree to all of them before returning home.

Until he leaves this job the affair is ON. Many a WS has "promised" to quit the job to placate his BS and then conveniently couldn't find a job for months or years. Every time your husband goes to work, the affair is ACTIVE. Every day he sees her at work, he is triggered.

Recovery is IMPOSSIBLE until one of them leaves that job. Unless there is absolute no contact, the affair is still on and you will NEVER recover. NEVER.

I am very dubious about this sudden change of heart. Just think, the OW told her husband on Thursday she would "never" end her affair. My feeling is that they have gone further underground and are playing nice to set themselves up in a legally advantageous situation. They will say the affair ended, bide some time and then get divorced on better terms.

You need to watch your back, because this 180 flip happened a little too fast for my spidey senses.

SG, I would also exchange cell phones with him today and get a keylogger on his computer. Put spyware on his phone that has a GPS on it. Some good ones are eblaster or flexispy. A good keylogger is eblaster. Get that all in place NOW because you are going to have to watch him like a hawk. And don't tell him you did this and whatever you do, DON'T TELL HIM ABOUT THIS WEBSITE.

Read this very carefully:

here

You only have the word of a liar. This is meaningless.

SG,

I think I mentioned earlier that after exposure the A blew up quickly in my case. It was within several days that my H started talking reconciliation. He moved home about a month later, but only after all the conditions had been met.

PLEASE don't give up your upper hand here! This is a very unique time period in which you call the shots - and you need to!

I know it can be tough to come on here wanting to rejoice and feel like everyone is slapping handcuffs on you, but restraint is crucial right now! There have been too many false recoveries because the faithful spouse let the unfaithful spouse walk right in too easily.

Now is the time to expect:

1. Full disclosure of the affair - have any and all questions answered. If you feel, even in the slightest that WH is not being honest, you have the right to a polygraph.

2. No Contact - for life! No "I need closure" - nothing! Get that letter done. His part of No Contact also means a new job, right away. Personally I would say no moving home until he has a new job. (I was fortunate the OW was in another state.) For your part, you need to verify No Contact - as with the suggestions above.

3. Accountability: Your H needs to be totally transparent in every aspect of his life - his whereabouts, his thoughts, his actions, etc...

4. A 100% commitment to the marriage and to true recovery. This means more than traditional counseling. It means your H has to be willing to do the MB program: every book, every questionnaire, every counseling session if you do the online program ... and to give himself over to the process. (You too, of course.)

5. STD testing before any physical involvement.

It's so easy for the WS to say all the right things to get back into the marriage. They may even mean them, even if they are still foggy. The thing is, once they've gotten what they want - the BS back in their pocket - the motivation to do the real work of recovery can be gone in an instant. That's when a false recovery can occur way too easily.

So happy for you that exposure is working the way it was intended! Just remember - proceed with caution! If at this point you sense any defensiveness in your H at all, it should be a red flag.

Thank you for all of your support ans suggestions. I am being very cautious. I am not letting him back in the house or move back home. I have told him there is a lot of things that have to change and be done first. I do not want another false recovery either. The first one was bad enough even if it was only a short time period.

I do have a list of things that need to happen for us to start working on our marriage. I know I had mentioned blocking the OW's phone numbers. He will be doing that in front of me on the phone. I will also be having his work phone logs sent to me as well as the texting logs. He knows this and was okay with it. As before he was not willing to do this b/c he was still speaking with her.

I have told him that before we are intimate that we both have to be tested for STD's. He was okay with that. He said he understood.

I am still in contact with the OWH so if for any reason I have any doubt I will just call him.

I don't think my WH would post here. I have the book Surviving an Affair. I actually bought and read the book before the false recovery was discovered. Then I just happened along this website and was reading it was thought it sounds familiar. God is awesome like that. But he won't read the book, but I know it is also on CD. So I am willing to get that for him. He really has no choice about doing the questionnaires on here. He will do them if he wants to work on this marriage.

I'm pretty sure I know what caused the sudden change. He totally hit rock bottom of Friday night when we were texting back and forth and I was telling him how it was going to be. (ie: setting up the rules for when he has our son, and such forth) He realized that he had nothing. Not me, not our son, no friends b/c he had isolated himself so much, and not even his OW.

I am still going to be cautious b/c I learned the first time I can't trust anything that he tells me. There has to be actions to support what he is saying.

I promise I am going to be careful and I will take all of the advice. Starting with the no contact letter. Thank you for all your help.

Don't they work together?

No, Survivor. You need to SET THE BAR HIGH.

He can't work with her anymore. He has to quit that job.

Don't block her number - he needs a new number.

No Contact letter.

Do these things first.

Do that. And make sure the new phone has your spyware on it.

They work for the same company but not "together". He use to be her boss but his job he travels to the different stores. So he is no longer her boss. As far as the new phone number goes I am going to try to do that but again this is his work phone and the company pays for the phone and the service. I'm not sure how to get the spyware stuff on that phone b/c off all the security stuff already on it.

I did speak to him tonight about the things that we need to put into action to make sure there is no contact. He was very receptive to what I want.

If you have any ideas about how to do the work cell phone different please let me know. He works for a bank so all his work stuff on the phone has high security.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. Ask how receptive your cheating spouse is to switching jobs. Mine suggested that to me after I had an emotional affair with an ex g/f and I have since switched jobs and now work 10 mins. from home and am happy as anything to have more time with my wife who I betrayed and I won't kid you. This isn't at all easy. I have done many things in my life, but none of which I am more ashamed. My wife had an 9 year old son from a previous marriage and she plans things well soon turned into she micromanages. Everything. I love her to death and I will never leave her or betray her trust again. Some days are good, but each one is a part of the healing process I caused a need for. So I will give her whatever help and support I can to try to someday be trustworthy in her eyes again. I hope that you and your wife can likewise work things out....we have done all the free videos on this website and have read His Needs/Her Needs, and are beginning to be able to implement it into our lives more every day. I got cold feet before my FIRST marriage and dealt with it by turning to an ex (who was going thru a divorce at the time) for support. Please let everyone know, this is about the most STUPID thing anyone has ever done, and I not only hurt my wife and her opinions of my, but also my own views of myself and what I thought was "OK".
I will never be so STUPID again as long as I live. I only hope to let my wife know that this IS so. Good Luck......Jeff

I also had a problem deleting the OW phone #. I couldn't see how wrong I was until I took the time to understand things from my wifes' POV. I feel very foolish and wish every day for the chance to go back and undo my mistakes, but we all know that isn't really possible. I just want to let everyone know to use this site to the fullest advantage. This is only my second post and I am trying to do EVERYTHING I can to make up to my wife the terrible hurt and wrong I have done. It really ISN'T worth it at all. I Love my Wife very much and want more than anything to see her happy. I wish you both luck with your KILLING OFF THE OFFENSIVE CONTACT. It's just one step in a lifelong journey in the right direction. Jeff

SG,

You have two HUGE problems here.

First, if they still work for the same company, (a) this likely means they will have easy access to each other, through work phone, email, just pop in at each other's buildings, etc. (b) he will be triggered each time he goes to work...and you will too.

There have been other posters here who tried implementing NC while the affairees still worked together but just in different locations, and every one that I can think of did not work out.

Secondly, you wrote in your first post that she lives five minutes away from you. This is another big problem. I am sorry to tell you but you will most likely have to move. Again, same reasoning, the risk for the affair reigniting is TOO high to live that close to the OW and even if for some reason you were to prevent contact, you will both be triggered and keep getting set back.

Would your WH be open to moving in order to recover your M? If not, you may want to start making plans to move to Plan B and move yourself in the hopes that he will eventually join you. Sorry you are going through this...

74 (Jeff)

Instead of posting on anothers thread, start your own? You'll get help, and not distract from this posters' topic.

I would but couldn't figure out how to start my own thread. Thanks for the advice Surfer88.

74 - go for it. Pretty sure you'll figure it out. You'll be welcomed here.

I read this and I'm sick with worry for you. This is almost worse than working together in the same location. They still have the bond of 'shop talk'. And as a travelling manager his time is fairly flexible. I used to manage retail stores. I did have occasions where I had to travel between stores. I could have killed an afternoon shopping and no one would have known!

Will they EVER see each other at work? Do they work out of the same building? Will they ever attend the same meetings? EVER?

We have talked about moving. I thought I put that in there but maybe I forgot. He knows we have to move b/c she is to close. He is actually the one who brought it up first. So I thought that that was a good sign.

Then today happened. Yep, apparently she must have called him first thing this morning b/c I called him around 8:30 and he had already talked to her. I asked why he answered the phone and he said it was a blocked number. I told him yes that's how she calls me and I don't answer. Duh, really? Well, guess what he asked me to do "for him" (not for him it's for her b/c does not benefit him or us at all!) He asked me to tell OWH that I lied about the video. Um, not no but NO WAY IN HELL AM I DOING THAT! She told WH that her husband is telling the kids she is a porn star and that she slept with another man. Told my WH that is not our problem. What they do in their family is between them and I don't care. So no I'm not doing that b/c it would just benefit her. He got mad and starting telling me how cold hearted I am b/c of the kids. Told him I don't believe a thing that comes out of her mouth. He was trying to make me feel guilty b/c I wouldn't do this "for him".

So I text her after I got off the phone with WH, and told her to stop calling my husband and that we don't care what happens in her family. She then text me back and tells me that she is going to the police b/c I left her a message last week telling her to leave my WH alone and called her an adulterous whore. She's threatening deformation per se. She has no case I have already checked on that. Anyway, I told her that she had no case and I know my rights. That if anything I can go to the police and her boss with the harassment she has been giving me and WH. She then tells me that I need to produce a video to back up my story. I replied, "I can do better than that."

Needless to say that she texted or called WH to tell him of this exchange and threaten me to him. She is grasping a straws and she's scarred. Good she needs to be scarred. She messed with the wrong person when she messed with me.

Then WH tells me this afternoon that he is not going to call for a couple days(he calls to talk to our son), and he might go away for the weekend to just think.

So I'm back to not knowing what the hell is going on.

No. He has no reason or cause to ever go to her store. And as far as meetings go. No since he is not her DM anymore he really should have no contact with her concerning work. But that doesn't mean it won't happen.

Which is why I want him to quit and he is not willing to right now.

Your husband is trying to set you up and manipulate you into covering up for his OW. That is all that is happening here. You need to inform the OWH of this, expose at the workplace and then go dark in Plan B.

This happened too fast to be believable. I am sorry, SG.

You are being played.

Just stay strong, SG! It is not unusual for a wayward to waiver as they go through withdrawal. It's important you do not budge an inch off your stance.

My personal example: my H wanted me to tell (at Skankho's request) OWH that I lied about the affair. If I did this - they would never speak again, etc... Because the OWH was supposedly "abusive" - H "needed to protect her." Well, I about barfed! I said, "Yeah, and who's going to protect me?!"

I held my ground - said I would do no such lying. Then OW had the nerve to call me. I told her she better own up to what she did and work on her own marriage. (She threatened me with legal action too...no grounds, of course.)

Just want you to know that what you are going through is not uncommon. Stay committed to your plan and to your requirements. Holding your ground now will pave the way for true reconciliation.

Your H is possibly trying to use this "need time to think" to control you - to make you give in. Hmmm, maybe YOU need time to think!

Anyway, don't let it throw you off course.

And I would knock off the convo's with OW now, if I were you. There's no use arguing with a lying cheat who is STILL lying.

How does she have his number? He needs to change it.

Is he not ready to admit to everything he's done to this man?? Spoken like a true coward. Did you ask him what he would have said to OM if you didn't know about the A and couldn't be there for WH to hide behind you? I would suggest that you be ready to go to Plan B. He will be spending the weekend with her. Get your plan together while he's gone off with her.

The OW and your H are busy gaslighting the OWH and doing damage control right now. They still believe they can get away with hiding the affair while they take it further underground.

SG, please get in touch with the OWH and tell him all about this. Tell him the affair is still on and that your H is blackmailing you into lying to him.

Tonight, email an exposure letter to the Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both their supervisors. The only way this is going to end is if your husband leaves that job anyway. This will give him the impetus to get out of there.

After you do that I would send him a Plan B letter and shut this down. He is not remotely serious about recovering your marriage and is playing some very dangerous head games with you to protect his affair. I am actually worried about your safety.

Maritalbliss,

He hasn't changed his work number. I don't even know if it is an option, I'm sure it is but I just thought of it yesterday then all this happened.

No he does not want to own up to everything he did to the OWH. Yes, he's a coward b/c he's scarred he's gonna get his [censored] kicked. I wish he would he needs it.

I am afraid of this very thing for this weekend. Thinking of putting a freeze on our accounts for this weekend. Then he has no money.

And I contacted a lawyer for a cease and desist letter for harassment to send to her. If not done then legal action will ensue.

SG, it is time to go into Plan B before he drives you crazy with his affair. He clearly does not have any intention of ending his affair. He wants you to cover it up to the OWH so he can continue. Dr Harley recommends only 3 to 4 WEEKS for Plan A and you are way, way past that. Your husband is not serious about anything other than protecting his affair. He is dangerous to you.

I just wrote my Plan B letter. It's kinda long. Should I post it here for advice?

Go ahead.

Dear WH,

This letter is very difficult to write. I have been thinking about it for some time now. I have written this letter with true love that only a wife can have for her husband. Please read every word I have written, for it is from my heart.
I would like to acknowledge and apologize for the demise of our marriage. I neglected your needs, and failed to give you what you needed. I�m sure that helped create a voice in our marriage that allowed for your affair to happen. I have said this many times and I mean it deeply. I want to do whatever I can to help put our marriage back together in a more satisfying way. I feel that I have learned to be more attentive to your needs. I want you to be proud to call me your wife, just as I have been proud to call you my husband. I want to put the past behind us and build a better future together, as a family with our precious son.
The past three months have been extremely hard on me, emotionally and physically. We seemed to start putting things back together in the beginning only to stumble and fall again. I still feel hurt and pain when I don�t know where you are or who you are with. We have seemed to misplaced our trust, honesty, and respect. But God has given me renewed strength everyday. I can honestly say that I have really learned what it means to pray through this situation. I have been praying for you, me, our son, and our marriage since May. I know the prayers are working, I can see them at work. I do see how our arguing is draining the love I have for you. Until you can truthfully and honestly return home and work on rebuilding our marriage, I will have no communication with you, expect regarding our son, and I will avoid seeing you. This is not a punishment for you, this is to save the love I hold dear for you. If we were to continue on as we have been there would be nothing left.
I please ask that you respect my decision to separate this way. If you need to setup times and dates to see our son please contact
I will be seeking counseling for myself to help me get over the hurt, anger, bitterness, and resentment. I know that to have any chance for our future marriage that I cannot harbor any of those feelings towards you.
I want us to be a team, and restore our marriage together. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was or how ugly, we can get past it. For with God all things are possible. Look inside yourself and find the strength we will need to do this.
I want to grow old with you. I want to be that cute old couple holding hands walking down the street or in the mall. I want to see our great-grandchildren together. I have loved you for 10 years and that love has not stopped. I know that as we rebuild our marriage that that love will continue to grow and mature. When you find that you are ready and willing to truly and fully commit to our family, willing to work on a plan of recovery, and go to counseling, I will be ready and willing to talk about our future.
1 Corinthians 10:13 �No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it.�

With all my love your wife,

SG, this is really good; I took out the references to God, removed the sentence about contacting you about son, added info about visitation, intermediary, and finances. I would ask someone TONIGHT to agree to be an intermediary. And make arrangements with someone to facilitate visitations. AT THEIR HOUSE. You can't be in plan b and be in contact with your husband about anything. That will defeat the purpose and he will exploit that opening.

Secondly, I took out all the parts mentioning God, because he is CUT OFF from God and that sounds like a religious lecture.

Intermediary should be a person who will commit to remaining NEUTRAL and who will agree to act as a spam filter. That means they ONLY pass on information that is PERTINENT and is about finances and visitiation. NO fogbabble rants and ravings. She has to protect you from that.

Do you have someone who will do that?

And how can you arrange visitation? You want to get it set up on a regular routine so there is as little contact as possible about that. Do you have someone who could facilitate that? You could drop the child off 30 minutes before hand and then pick him up after your H drops him off.

Your IM needs to be someone who has some BALLS because your husband will go NUTS when you cut him off. She has to be able to withstand that. He will first go crazy and then probably REFUSE to use her as an IM.

He will test you to see if you are serious about no contact. And he will make several false overtures at first to see if he can get you to relax your standards so he can keep both you and the OW on the farm.

She has to weather all that until he complies. An IM is the easiest job in the world once she gets past the tantrum and manages the information correctly..

can I email this letter to him? I don't have another way to get it to him.

I have someone in mind for the IM. But for the visitation does that have to be the same person? Could I ask my sister for that? Or is that to close? B/c I could have that at my sisters house and my son is use to their house.

Your sister would be perfect! It doesn't have to be the same person. Will your sister agree to not pass on any messages from him to you? Becasue I don't want him to use her to get his fogbabble through to you.

And yes, you can email that letter to him.

Did you see what I said about exposing at the workplace and calling the OWH again?

Also, when you send him the letter, he will try like hell to get through to you. He will call, email, text, barge in the house. He will be testing you to see if oyu mean it. And it is critical that you don't let him through. Don't answer his calls, don't read his texts or emails, don't listen to his voicemails. NOTHING. The second he gets a response from you is when he knows you don't mean it.

He will not like losing control of you and will fight this at first. Are you ready for that? And if your IM needs help at first, I will be happy to help her. Have her email me at ohmelodylane@aol.com.

Smart girl. Except you don't want to do it just for the weekend - you want to do it indefinitely. Waywards have been known to annihilate the family funds in order to further their affair.

Remove all but about $50 from your checking and savings accounts. Open a new account with what you remove, with only your name on it. (Do this at a different bank.)

Cancel any credit cards you can. If you can't cancel them, ask your card issuer to set the credit limit at whatever their balances are right now.

Move your retirement funds if he is able to withdraw from them.

Hide any checks for any lines of credit you have on your property.

Follow everything that MelodyLane has suggested.

Also, when you get your IM, I would be willing to help them at first.

You can use your sister as drop off, and pick up just make sure that she understands that you want ZERO info about your WH.

You don't want to know what he said, what he did, what he was wearing, what he looked like, NADA.

To add to this, you can call your card issuer and remove him from the account if you are the primary. It only takes a minute.

If you have a joint card where he is the primary, just report the card lost or stolen if you have to. That should freeze it for a little while, at least.

And above all, PLEASE PLEASE expose this to the workplace and let the OWH know what's going on--particularly about this weekend.

Hope your day went ok, SG, and that you got some things done.

Update us when you can.

SG, I know this is all very difficult. I just want to tell you that you are in the best hands you can be in, given your situation. You are very wise to heed the counsel you've been given here. You are doing GREAT!

It's been a crazy month and I feel as if all hope is gone. WH started talking to her again on December 5th. He went 2 weeks without talking to her. He came to me and told me he wants to "work on himself". Whatever that means. So I am going to counseling alone. He doesn't want to work on the marriage while he "figures himself out". I think that's bullsh*t really. He still calls to "check in" is what he calls it. I don't call him, only if he has asked me to call him or I have a question about our son. We are doing the every other weekend and one night a week with our son. I gave him a deadline about him needing to let me know if he has any desire for us to work on our marriage and stay together. That deadline is tomorrow. I told him that if he wants our marriage to work then 2012 we will start fresh. If not then I am going to start this year on my own. I have spoken to an attorney and have followed her advice on getting things ready in case he files or something. He went through the house when I wasn't here and found my receipt, which was hidden in a clothes drawer inside something else, so he now knows I saw an attorney. Oh well, I hope that gives him some perspective that I'm not just sitting here waiting on him. At this point, I don't really know if I want to work on the marriage anymore. He is very passive/aggressive with a lot of things. He will have to make some serious changes for me to even consider taking him back at this point. I need some advice. Thanks.

Are you entering Plan B? The last time you posted was almost 2 months ago. Are you ready to enter Plan B now?

Status on exposure?

The last posts talked about you telling the workplace and keeping in touch with OWH.

Are your finances separated?

You should be in Plan B by now!

What he is doing is not 'checking in' its cake eating - half time with you half time with her - best of both worlds.

Plan B takes away his cake until he agrees NC with OW.

You are in Plan C which is stressful, useless, sees the BS get used as cake and is the quickest path to divorce.

Tel him plainly that you are going to divorce him unless he shapes up. That is part of the stick of Plan A - carrot and stick.

So where are you in your MB plans?

I spoke to Dr. Harley yesterday on the show and I feel a little better about what I am doing. He said he was tempted to tell me to just file for a divorce and see what my WH would do. But he told me to have no contact except with concern of our son and to give him 3 months. I am transitioning into Plan B. The only contact I have with him right now is about figuring out our money situation and splitting our cell phone accounts, as he no longer uses his personal phone he just uses his work phone.

I am going back to school to finish my degree so if our marriage does not survive this then I will be able to get a good job. He is still supporting us and I have put together a monthly budget to let him know our expenses and he has agreed to continue to cover those expenses.

I have spoken to a lawyer already and gotten legal advice and counsel just in case he were to go file. As he has threaten that within the past month.

On another note, the OWH called me today and told me that he is filing for a divorce. That he found out that OW had had another A in 2009 (same yr that her A with my WH started). I didn't figure this was her first one b/c she is such a skank. But I told the OWH that I would speak with his lawyer if I needed to. My lawyer told me that any further contact with OWH should be through email so it is all documented as to what is being said. So I told him that and gave him my secondary email address and told him that if he had any questions or needed to tell me something then he needed to email it to me. This man just wants to sit on the phone and confide in me. He has told me that he would like us to continue talking to make it look like something was going on between us and I said no that I would not do that. We have no reason to just call each other. I am not a therapist for him and he doesn't need to be confiding in me. That is not going to help either one of our situations. He said okay to emailing me. Then he called me again this afternoon! I did not answer, as I had already told him he needs to email me anything he has to say.

I think that about updates everything.

I'm sorry you're still having a rough time, SG, but I'm glad to hear that you were able to talk to Dr. H. It sounds like you're doing well in spite of your WH.

And I second your decision to control OWH's access to you. It is fairly common for one betrayed spouse to over-identify with the other. Good for you, to keep his contact with you in its proper place.

It's done. I meet with WH at phone store and got my own account set up and gave him the budget and my Plan B letter. Told him to read it later. I didn't want to stand there while he read it. So he called me at 6:30 tonight and said he read the letter and he will respect my decision for only contact about our son. I wanted to make sure he knew this was not a punishment for him but that as long as he is in contact with me and the OW then he will not be able to make a decision. He got defensive and said that he was just trying to figure things out and "get his head back in the game". I'm not sure how long this phase will last. I'm praying it's not years. I don't know if I can take it that long. Now the hard part for me is to stand strong on these boundaries. YIKES!!

So, he read your letter and then immediately broke your conditions and you LET him? Second, I don't understand, you are going to communicate about your son? This doesn't sound like Plan B to me. Plan B is NO COMMUNICATIONS with your WS. You use an IM.

I don't think I broke any boundaries by answering that one call to let him tell me he would respect my decision. And Dr. Harley is the one who told me that contact regarding our son was okay. I'm doing what Dr. Harley advised me to do.

Do you have an intermediary (IM)?

The idea is that you have zero contact with him so that you can distance yourself from the drama and find some bit of sanity and peace. Too, it keeps WH from getting any needs met by you which may turn things around.

But if you're still in contact on subjects concerning only your son, you're still interacting with him and are still in his little circus. It won't be long before he calls for some obscure thing about your son only to have the conversation devolve when he starts an argument about something.

This NC is hard. I'm keeping busy with my little boy and friends so I don't think of him so much. But it's the down time when I wonder what he's doing and if he even misses me. I can't wait for school to start to I will be way to busy to even think about him in my down time. Well, I won't have down time between my son, school, homework, work, and my bible study class.
But next Wednesday is our 10 yr anniversary. That's gonna be a tough one.

Do you have an IM?

Has he called, texted, emailed since 1/3/12?

Have you spoken, emailed or texted him since then?

We just want to make sure that you have zero contact with him so that you can get away from the drama and have a little peace for once.

See how you feel right now? Well, EVERY time that your WH contacts you, you will feel like this afterwards. This is why I asked about an IM.

It will get easier the longer you are in NC. You do need to keep yourself busy, and when you get triggered, resist the urge to contact him.

Do you have any triggers around, like pics, things he gave you, etc? You need to tuck those away for a while. It will help.

The quickest way to get it easy is to cut all contact with him and go dark. That way you won`t be as triggered about him.

Th POSOW's H emailed me and asked if I was with him New Years. I told him no and that my WH would not keep our son like he was suppose to. He didn't pick him up till 2 on Sunday. He emailed me back and said that it pretty much confirmed to him that they had spent the night together. She had taken the kids to him and said she was going out of town for a concert but would not tell him with who and she didn't come home that night.

I mean I knew that they were probably going to be together and that's why he wouldn't keep our son like he was suppose to, but it still hurts so much! I have not had contact with WH but just knowing that he spent the night with this skank just infuriates me! I wonder how she would feel if she knew that he was texting and calling me while he was with her. Bet she wouldn't like that to much, whore.

My BIL asked me why I was still holding on to hope that he would come around and want to work on our marriage. I don't really have an answer other than that I have been praying about it and God has not released me from this yet. I really wish he would b/c I don't see how we could ever really recover from this.

What do I do to work on myself and recover from this? I am going to an awesome counselor, I will be going to school 2 days a week, working 2 days a week, and a women's bible study one day, on top of caring for my 16 month old son. I also journal everyday! I just don't know what else to do. I feel like the odd man out b/c all my friends are married so I feel kinda weird hanging out with them. Any advice?

Thanks for listening to all my rants and ramblings. I just don't have anybody who has been through this and understands really.

Have you seen an attorney?

Don't worry about "rants and ramblings", we've all been there before.

SG - There are many of us BW's on here with husbands in active affairs. My WH was dumped, but still has contact, so he is still addicted to his wh0re. My WH did file for divorce so he can chase his OW. He wants to marry her.

I am one who is teetering on standing for my marriage. I am not sure if I am ready to give up, but it is getting closer to that time.

It is hard to be in Plan B because you do miss who they were. Adultery changes them, and they get trapped by the sin. Their brain chemicals get out of whack, and they are really just infatuated.

Your WH is headed for a rough road. You are still coming off two months after EXPOSURE. Dr. Harley states most affairs die naturally within 6 months after EXPOSURE.

As long as everyone knows they committed adultery, they won't last. They are trying to make it work, but their adultery is likely coming apart at the seams.

It is doomed ... this is why plan B is good for you. You are preserving the love for him. They were able to get entrenched for many many years, but your EXPOSURE kicked adultery's butt.

She is a skank and will continue to be one moving forward. Now that her husband filed for divorce, and your WH has to still support you, their money is going to run low.

They were able to steal for the past two years family money to use to keep their adultery going strong. Today, they will see the reality of divorce and how it zaps the money dry.

If you want to stand for your marriage, then you will not be alone. There are many of us on here who are in Plan B and standing.

Keep posting and in the meantime become the best darn person on the planet. Be who you want to be. Accomplish your goals, dreams, and desires. This is your time now!!!

Northwood- Yes I have spoken to an attorney and have gotten all paperwork out of the house and have put chains on doors for when I am home. I cannot change the locks as we are still married. Other than that there is nothing I can do right now.


PrayIncessantly- Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. Our Pastor just started a series on marriage today, it's called State of the Union. haha oh how God has a sense of humor sometimes. I will and have continued to pray for me, him and our son.
So true about the money not being there for them to spend. Although he has taken most of our saving, which was a lot. Been saving for YEARS! Slimball. But I believe that one day he will see her for the black widow she is and wake up. Hopefully, before I'm long gone and its to late.

Hi survivergirl,

An IM will make sure that you only communicate about your son. They act as a spam filter to avoid anything else being brought up. If my WH gives my IM a personal message (breaking the rules of my Plan B letter) she will just email him back saying there is no pertinent info to pass on. If he sends an angry rant with a line tagged on about finances, I will only see the fianances bit.

You need an IM to follow Dr H's advice that you only communicate about the pertinent info.

It is impossible to relax and to move on until you know it is impossible for him to contact you. Until that point, you are waiting for him to.

I'm also concerned he still has access to your house. When a BS goes truly dark and shuts out the WS, it usually sends them into a frenzy of needing access to the BS. There have been WS who repalced all the furniture, by breaking in for example. You need him out of your life as much as possible. Get legal advice about changing the locks. I did it even tho it was illegal. There arent any locksmith police that I know of

Other tips: Snap an elasic band on your wrist when you feel yourself thinking about him. Get rid of all pictures, gifts he gave you etc. Make every day an opportunity to do something nice for yourself. Make plans for the future - things you have always wanted to do.

Hugs.

Check out my thread from p45 or so. I have been in a dark Plan B for six months. I have never been happier.

Update:
It's been a busy week for me. I went to the doctor on Monday to get tested and I had a gut feeling that told me to go to the OW's work. So I parked in the parking lot and when she left I followed her. She met my WH and I confronted them both. Luckily, they had met at a Walgreens. Not sure where they were planning to go once they met. But she was willing to speak with me and my WH was LIVID!! He was freaking out! Needless to say she found out some things that he had lied to her about concerning us and our relationship(how we got pregnant(IVF) and our intimacy). And I found out that they NEVER once had stopped seeing each other after he told me about the A. Not once. He told me that he loves her and he wants her in his future. That even if she did leave him that he would not come back to me that he did not love me. I was amazingly calm through this, it was a 2 hours conversation in the parking lot. After I left them I had a counseling session thank God! But on my way home she called me and had some more questions for me so I answered them and she pretty much told that maybe I needed to go about it another way of getting him to fall back in love with me. I explained to her that as long as he is still in any form of contact with her that that is not going to happen bc I can not compete with a fantasy. And that's all their relationship is. I met with her again yesterday bc I had some questions that I still needed answered. We only met for 15 minutes at a Starbucks. She answered most of my questions I had. I am so SICK and tired of hearing "I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have." I'm hearing if from both of them. I told them both that there is no way I could be hurt more unless they physically stabbed me with a knife. WH said he has an appointment with an attorney on Feb 3rd to file for a D. OWH first court date is on Feb 1st. I am still in contact with OWH. He knows that I have talked to his WW. He has asked me to meet him at his attorney's office to which I have agreed to. He told me he has a letter from another BW that his WW broke up their marriage.
Since all of this has happened I am barely holding it together. I go through a range of emotions from despair to rage. I have emptied all of his personal belongs from the house. They are in the garage waiting for him to come pick them up.
He still sounds confused as to what he wants and he keeps making excuses as to why we could never get back together. IE: I deserve better (which I do), I would never forgive him or trust him again (I could if given the chance but it would take a LONG time).
I told him he has never given our marriage a fair chance bc he never once stopped contact with her. I just asked both of them for 3 months with no contact whatsoever to give our marriage a chance. If at the end of that 3 months we would re--evaluate. She is willing to do that, he is not. He doesn't see the point or understand the why of it. I explained it to her and she understands. She said that she has told my WH that he needs to go back and work on his marriage that he has a marriage to save. She doesn't, apparently, she said her marriage has been bad for a long time and this was a relief that he knows about this so she can get out. But she told my WH in front of me that she is not getting a D to be with him. She is doing it for herself.

I'm not sure what else I can do. I don't think there is anything I can do. I have fought hard for my marriage, but it takes 2 people to save a marriage. Last Wednesday was 10 yrs for us. So hard to think that in 2 months that will be over and gone. I am feeling lost like there was a death. I will just wait and see what he really does. I told him he needs to speak with an outside person about his decision, not his sister, my sister, OW, or a friend. He needs to seek wise counsel from a counselor. We'll see what happens.

The good:


Go ahead and give him a Plan B letter if you have an IM lined up.

The bad:


Being as polite as possible to you, why the hell would you be negotiating your marriage with the OW? She has no freaking intention of doing anything that you ask and they probably had a good laugh afterward.

A 2x4 for you, as we've all had momentary lapses of judgement, but you're letting both of them walk all over you here and you're being made a fool of. Period. I'm sure you'll realize that you're better and smarter than this.

I don't get it. This complacency and your 2+ hour conversation with BOTH of them together is, well, astounding. That conversation should have been only the time required to say "OW, you can go F yourself. WH, you can go get your crap out of my garage because you're out of here and I'm done with this!"

You could have even accidentally backed into both of their cars as you were leaving the parking lot.

Don't contact this woman ever again unless it's to yell and scream at her. She's not your buddy. She's not your friend. Y'all aren't in it together. Don't be nice to her. Hell, I wouldn't even be remotely CIVIL with her.

Yet you redeemed yourself when you put all of his crap out in the garage and, seemingly, kicked him out of the house. Complacency and talking with the OW is bad. Kicking him out and forcing him to make a decision once and for all is good.

So, he's out of the house (Plan B?) and you're never talking with OW again, right?

Looking over your thread, I see you've been told over and over that plan B means NO contact.

So why in the world are you meeting with both WH and OW in a parking lot?

You are doing Plan C.

You are helping the rapist rape you.

Get an IM. Only talk to your husband THROUGH THE IM and ONLY about the subject of your child. Do not speak to WH again until he tells you THROUGH THE IM that the affair is over and he is willing to enter into a program of recovery with you.

If you do not cut off contact, you will continue to do emotional harm to yourself.

Talking to OW is a waste of time. She knew full well what she was doing and is only interesting in getting what she wants. Dont fall for the friend guise she put on. The OW in my situation pretended to be my friend from day one of the A, she knew all about our marriage, but still took what she wanted anyway.

And that whole 'getting a d for herself' - thats both a lie and fogbabble.

Where is Plan B? Do you see why you need an IM to keep the subject purely about the children?

You have already voluntarily broken Plan B yourself by following him - how are you going to prevent it from being broken when he tries?

Try harder. Plug up the gaps and go dark.

Repeated for emphasis.

SG,

You gave him a Plan B letter, but yet you never went dark. Then you stalked OW and followed her and had a 2 hr conversation with two waywards? You will never recover your marriage this way, you are doing Plan SG.

Lots of Vets gave you good advice, why aren't you following it?
You never had the peace that plan B provides, that is why you are spent. I think it is you that is addicted to your WH, not in a healthy way, and the drama of all this.

It is time you you put your child first as well as yourself. None of this can be good for him.

ba

I am coming to grips that we are over and getting a divorce so I don't understand why I would get an IM now. Can you help explain why I need that now? I'm done trying to save our marriage I am trying to accept that it's over. I have a couple who is willing to be my IM so I can still have that happen but I just don't see the point now.

Maybe I am addicted to him bc I know this is not the man that I married and fell in love with. I have seen that man still in there at times so that is why I was fighting so hard for my marriage. But I'm done fighting now. It's just me and my DS now. I know GOD has a plan for my life and I am trusting in Him to guide me.

Thanks for all of the advice, sorry I'm so stubborn and pigheaded. I always did like to do things the hard way. Guess I never learned to stop doing that.

Well, if you intend to divorce him and have no problem talking to him face to face, I suppose you'll really gain little by proceeding with Plan B.

Did you file?

That's a decent reason to get an IM--so you can remove yourself from his drama and concentrate on you and your son. Your IM is just the go-between, filtering out all of the garbage and passing on only the pertinent facts.

Plan B also puts you a step ahead if you get a divorce, because you've already had that time to remove yourself, if you will, from your WH's shenanigans.

You could always try it and see how it goes.

Okay thanks.

Its clear like all BSs you are on the emotional rollercoaster and that exposure to his ongoing cruelty will harm your health and wellbeing.

What will you do when he changes his mind next week then changes it back again?

Plan b is not to save your marriage it is for your protection and to heal you. The peace and removal from the waywards drama are essential for moving on.

If he has no effect on your emotions at all, then you do not need plan b.but of course he does.

I am in plan B and plan to divorce and move on. Divorce is hard enough without getting yanked around by a warward

Getting an IM, and USING an IM, and plunging WH into the pit of darkness sends a message.
Done.
Over.
Out.

It sends that message to WH.
More importantly, it sends that message to yourself.

You are done trying to manage WH and interactions with him.
You are over trying to control the outcome.
You are out of the loop and you will no longer accept receiving hurtful messages.



You face challenges head on.
Now it's time to face the challenge of Plan B.

Try it for a month. But, do it correctly.
If you decide, after a month of throwing WH in the dark pit, that Plan B does not help you emotionally recover, then do "Plan pighead".

Miss Pighead, you do need Plan B. Send yourself this message with your actions.
"I am worthy of peace and healing."

Because, you are worthy.

I'm having a rough day today. I have been having a great week compared to last week. I actually hadn't cried all week. Until today. I have this heavy pressure on my chest that makes it hard to breathe, and I am feeling a lot of grief and loss today. I am really missing MY husband, not the man he is now. I hate days like today.

On a good note though, he has not been calling me, texting me or anything this week. Thanks goodness. That has made it so much easier for me to have some self recovery. I went out and did something for my self the other day. I got my hair cut (about 5 inches off) and I got a flaming red chunk (needed something drastic and fun), then I went shopping and got me a super cute dress and some accessories. I'm suppose to have a girls night out tonight since DS is going to be with WH this weekend. Oh and WH thinks I have a date tonight which is why I had wanted a set time for a pick up tonight. I laughed at this, seriously?! I guess it would make him feel better for his poor decisions to cheat on me if I were dating. (He asked me this Wednesday when he picked up DS to take him for dinner.)

Are you entering PLan B at some point?

What plan are you in exactly?

Scotland, I am entering a "real" plan B. I have been in a modified version for a month now and it has been working out great. I haven't "talked" to WH about anything other than our 17 month old or email about finances.
Things are changing though. He was suppose to have an appointment with his attorney tomorrow to file for a D. He texted me this morning saying it was "rescheduled". I asked why? and for when?
He responded "it just got pushed back a few weeks" I again asked why? to which he replied "just cuz. Are you in a hurry or something?" I texted back no I just don't like not knowing what is going on.
So with all this new information about him pushing back his appointment makes me think he really doesn't know what he wants. Along with his strange behavior over the weekend when he picked up DS. So I am getting all my ducks in a row for the total NC. I have emailed my friend who said she and her H would be the IM's. I have my Plan B letter ready to go. I am just trying to write up the addendum for the rules for the NC.

I guess my question is, What all did you put into the addendum? Is that where you state what would need to happen in order for your WH to show you he is ready to work on the marriage. Because at this point he is going to have a lot to do before we even get to that point. I need help with the addendum.

The addendum is where I put all of the details about finances and visitation. You can have another part which is given to IMs for the moment your WH gets serious about recovery, but don't bog down your WH with all of those details now, and you might want to add things to those conditions as time goes on, so you can be more vague about it.

Have you read my thread? All of my Plan B prep was in there.


That is what I sent to my IM about how he would be able to talk to me. These aren't all of my conditions for marital recovery, it's just what he would need to do so I would even consider communicating with him DIRECTLY.

How are exchanges going to be done to ensure NO CONTACT?

There is NO SUCH THING as a modified version of Plan B. There are NO shortcuts in MB. You need to do a REAL Plan B to help heal yourself. Just look at what you said in the rest of your post. You said that you only communicate about your child, and then here you were discussing the D. It affects you more than you know. You need to get yourself protected.

Survivergirl, take it from someone else who has been through the fire you now find yourself in. Plan B helps...tremendously.

Like you, I fought for a long time to end my wife's affair(s), for my marriage, and for my family. I went through the ups and downs of trying to do many.things that tended to do nothing but cause more pain and heartache.

Let me be real honest. Trying to be cordial and maintaining contact with your wh will hurt you more then it will help. To see the shell of the person you married is heartbreaking. Everytime you see and talk to him will conjure up memories, emotions, and thoughts that will do nothing to help YOU recover.

If you think you can do it, think again. I tried it and there were more bad days than good. I still loved her deeply (I still do) and it just hurt to see her that way.

Since I've been in no contact for the last 8 months, my life has dramatically changed. I find that I am happy with who I am. I found out I can enjoy life without my wife. I found out I don't need someone else to validate my existence. My relationship with our daughter is better than its ever been. I found out that I will be okay whether she comes back to me or not.

Take it from me, Plan B works!!!!

There is no such thing as a modified Plan B!

You are still in full contact with your WH! You cant sit in the marsh and call yourself dry.

Why are you not in Plan B?

Plan B involves removing all triggers (I cant even read his horoscope or hear his name mentioned) all contact and creating a WH free universe.

Tell the truth here:

How many hours a day are spent thinking of him following contact where you are triggered?

Wouldnt you rather have that time to make plans for you and your future and to be happy?

I was only doing the modified Plan B after talking with Dr. H and Joyce on the show. Since our DS is so young he said it was okay. But I am finding that WH is more trying to talk to me, which I do not engage in conversation. So therefore, I am getting all my ducks in a row for a FULL FLEDGED PLAN B. Thank you for all your 2x4's I know I need them.

Marksaysay- Thank you for your input on how you were like me and how you are doing now.

Scotland- Thanks for the steps. That's what I wasn't sure where to put or even if I was suppose to put that in the addendum. Seemed a little premature to me to put it in with the Plan B letter but I wasn't sure. Now that I know just to give that to IM's for future use that helps a TON!

Update: I have been playing phone tag with IM's getting things lined up.

Once again I have been told "no" by another couple that they (mainly the husband) are not comfortable "getting so involved" between me and my WH. So now what? I don't really have anyone else to ask to do this for me. I can't ask my sister b/c she couldn't do it, she has already told me that she wouldn't be able to stay neutral.

WH has rented an apartment, which he did not tell me about, I found out by accident. And he had been keeping our DS there without my knowledge. Raging mad at that! He told me that his appointment he rescheduled with the attorney is for next Friday the 17th, but he said he is not filing he is "trying to think about things".

So I'm kinda stuck in the modified Plan B as to seeing him briefly when he picks up DS (he does not come in the house) and I only hear his voice when he calls DS to say "hi" and "talk" to him. I don't talk with him when he calls.

I put my wedding band band back on Monday. God really convicted me that I am the one wanting to save this marriage and yet I wasn't wearing my ring. (it burned my finger in December and I thought that was weird so I never put it back on.) But WH noticed it when he got DS Wednesday and asked about it. So I told him about God convicting me about it and how I took those vows for better or worse serious and right now its the worst. It's a broken marriage but it's still a marriage.

That's where I'm at right now. It's not ideal but it's all I got so far.

There is no such thing as a modified Plan B. That is Plan C and the quickest route to divorce. You should plan A right up until a very dark Plan B.

did you not read this is per jennifer harley whatever

Any updates SQ?

No, Dr H and Joyce told her on the radio that she should only communicate with him about her son. Which is Plan B and should be done through an IM to prevent other topics being raised. However she is struggling to get into a proper Plan B and to find an approporiate IM

I haven't written on here for a while bc I'm now on the divorcing board as well but I feel like I still need the guidance from y'all.
update: WH is not being cooperating with attorneys. I filed for a D on Feb 24 and he was served that next Monday. We had to go to court twice bc the first time he wouldn't agree to any terms with mediation. Finally got some agreements but he has been dragging his feet on providing financial statements to attorneys. His attorney has actually quit bc he has been so difficult so on May 29th our temp orders will be signed by the judge, his lawyer will be withdrawing from the case, and my lawyer is filing a motion to compel. POSOW has her 2 kids every other week so they (her and WH) have "free" weekends with no kids. Basically she is living with him in his apartment the week she doesn't have her kids. WH had been calling, texting, emailing me daily basically just to talk. I was not answering the phone calls and would only answer text/emails concerning our DS. Then he would show up at the house unannounced. Which he is not to do per the temp orders. Told him just this past Monday that he is not to call me, text me, or email me for any reason except concerning our DS. So far he has respected that but we will see about next week when she is not around so much. He would call more and text more when she had her kids. He also asked me to watch this video on YouTube and it was this guys testimony about his recovery from sex addiction and his divorce. WH told me that he wanted help and prays for God to lead him. But he has not gone to anyone for help or reached out to anyone for help. We have friends who are recovering from their own infidelity issues he could easily reach out to for help. I know that he is probably not getting help bc he is not ready to give up his mistress. He's still having to much fun even though I exposed the A. Our TO are set through the end of the year so I am set until then financially at least.
I am re-setting my boundaries that I let slip bc I was confused about his attentions. I felt as if he was pursuing me like when we first started dating. This week has been rough bc I have been having the withdraws of not hearing from him. But I know it is for the best. I go back and forth between sadness and anger. I much prefer the anger than the sadness.
I am still searching for someone to help me with the pickup/drop offs for my DS.

Are you doing all this without an IM?

Yes. I haven't had any luck with that.