The good:


Go ahead and give him a Plan B letter if you have an IM lined up.

The bad:


Being as polite as possible to you, why the hell would you be negotiating your marriage with the OW? She has no freaking intention of doing anything that you ask and they probably had a good laugh afterward.

A 2x4 for you, as we've all had momentary lapses of judgement, but you're letting both of them walk all over you here and you're being made a fool of. Period. I'm sure you'll realize that you're better and smarter than this.

I don't get it. This complacency and your 2+ hour conversation with BOTH of them together is, well, astounding. That conversation should have been only the time required to say "OW, you can go F yourself. WH, you can go get your crap out of my garage because you're out of here and I'm done with this!"

You could have even accidentally backed into both of their cars as you were leaving the parking lot.

Don't contact this woman ever again unless it's to yell and scream at her. She's not your buddy. She's not your friend. Y'all aren't in it together. Don't be nice to her. Hell, I wouldn't even be remotely CIVIL with her.

Yet you redeemed yourself when you put all of his crap out in the garage and, seemingly, kicked him out of the house. Complacency and talking with the OW is bad. Kicking him out and forcing him to make a decision once and for all is good.

So, he's out of the house (Plan B?) and you're never talking with OW again, right?

Looking over your thread, I see you've been told over and over that plan B means NO contact.

So why in the world are you meeting with both WH and OW in a parking lot?

You are doing Plan C.

You are helping the rapist rape you.

Get an IM. Only talk to your husband THROUGH THE IM and ONLY about the subject of your child. Do not speak to WH again until he tells you THROUGH THE IM that the affair is over and he is willing to enter into a program of recovery with you.

If you do not cut off contact, you will continue to do emotional harm to yourself.

Talking to OW is a waste of time. She knew full well what she was doing and is only interesting in getting what she wants. Dont fall for the friend guise she put on. The OW in my situation pretended to be my friend from day one of the A, she knew all about our marriage, but still took what she wanted anyway.

And that whole 'getting a d for herself' - thats both a lie and fogbabble.

Where is Plan B? Do you see why you need an IM to keep the subject purely about the children?

You have already voluntarily broken Plan B yourself by following him - how are you going to prevent it from being broken when he tries?

Try harder. Plug up the gaps and go dark.

Repeated for emphasis.

SG,

You gave him a Plan B letter, but yet you never went dark. Then you stalked OW and followed her and had a 2 hr conversation with two waywards? You will never recover your marriage this way, you are doing Plan SG.

Lots of Vets gave you good advice, why aren't you following it?
You never had the peace that plan B provides, that is why you are spent. I think it is you that is addicted to your WH, not in a healthy way, and the drama of all this.

It is time you you put your child first as well as yourself. None of this can be good for him.

ba

I am coming to grips that we are over and getting a divorce so I don't understand why I would get an IM now. Can you help explain why I need that now? I'm done trying to save our marriage I am trying to accept that it's over. I have a couple who is willing to be my IM so I can still have that happen but I just don't see the point now.

Maybe I am addicted to him bc I know this is not the man that I married and fell in love with. I have seen that man still in there at times so that is why I was fighting so hard for my marriage. But I'm done fighting now. It's just me and my DS now. I know GOD has a plan for my life and I am trusting in Him to guide me.

Thanks for all of the advice, sorry I'm so stubborn and pigheaded. I always did like to do things the hard way. Guess I never learned to stop doing that.

Well, if you intend to divorce him and have no problem talking to him face to face, I suppose you'll really gain little by proceeding with Plan B.

Did you file?

That's a decent reason to get an IM--so you can remove yourself from his drama and concentrate on you and your son. Your IM is just the go-between, filtering out all of the garbage and passing on only the pertinent facts.

Plan B also puts you a step ahead if you get a divorce, because you've already had that time to remove yourself, if you will, from your WH's shenanigans.

You could always try it and see how it goes.

Okay thanks.

Its clear like all BSs you are on the emotional rollercoaster and that exposure to his ongoing cruelty will harm your health and wellbeing.

What will you do when he changes his mind next week then changes it back again?

Plan b is not to save your marriage it is for your protection and to heal you. The peace and removal from the waywards drama are essential for moving on.

If he has no effect on your emotions at all, then you do not need plan b.but of course he does.

I am in plan B and plan to divorce and move on. Divorce is hard enough without getting yanked around by a warward

Getting an IM, and USING an IM, and plunging WH into the pit of darkness sends a message.
Done.
Over.
Out.

It sends that message to WH.
More importantly, it sends that message to yourself.

You are done trying to manage WH and interactions with him.
You are over trying to control the outcome.
You are out of the loop and you will no longer accept receiving hurtful messages.



You face challenges head on.
Now it's time to face the challenge of Plan B.

Try it for a month. But, do it correctly.
If you decide, after a month of throwing WH in the dark pit, that Plan B does not help you emotionally recover, then do "Plan pighead".

Miss Pighead, you do need Plan B. Send yourself this message with your actions.
"I am worthy of peace and healing."

Because, you are worthy.

I'm having a rough day today. I have been having a great week compared to last week. I actually hadn't cried all week. Until today. I have this heavy pressure on my chest that makes it hard to breathe, and I am feeling a lot of grief and loss today. I am really missing MY husband, not the man he is now. I hate days like today.

On a good note though, he has not been calling me, texting me or anything this week. Thanks goodness. That has made it so much easier for me to have some self recovery. I went out and did something for my self the other day. I got my hair cut (about 5 inches off) and I got a flaming red chunk (needed something drastic and fun), then I went shopping and got me a super cute dress and some accessories. I'm suppose to have a girls night out tonight since DS is going to be with WH this weekend. Oh and WH thinks I have a date tonight which is why I had wanted a set time for a pick up tonight. I laughed at this, seriously?! I guess it would make him feel better for his poor decisions to cheat on me if I were dating. (He asked me this Wednesday when he picked up DS to take him for dinner.)

Are you entering PLan B at some point?

What plan are you in exactly?

Scotland, I am entering a "real" plan B. I have been in a modified version for a month now and it has been working out great. I haven't "talked" to WH about anything other than our 17 month old or email about finances.
Things are changing though. He was suppose to have an appointment with his attorney tomorrow to file for a D. He texted me this morning saying it was "rescheduled". I asked why? and for when?
He responded "it just got pushed back a few weeks" I again asked why? to which he replied "just cuz. Are you in a hurry or something?" I texted back no I just don't like not knowing what is going on.
So with all this new information about him pushing back his appointment makes me think he really doesn't know what he wants. Along with his strange behavior over the weekend when he picked up DS. So I am getting all my ducks in a row for the total NC. I have emailed my friend who said she and her H would be the IM's. I have my Plan B letter ready to go. I am just trying to write up the addendum for the rules for the NC.

I guess my question is, What all did you put into the addendum? Is that where you state what would need to happen in order for your WH to show you he is ready to work on the marriage. Because at this point he is going to have a lot to do before we even get to that point. I need help with the addendum.

The addendum is where I put all of the details about finances and visitation. You can have another part which is given to IMs for the moment your WH gets serious about recovery, but don't bog down your WH with all of those details now, and you might want to add things to those conditions as time goes on, so you can be more vague about it.

Have you read my thread? All of my Plan B prep was in there.


That is what I sent to my IM about how he would be able to talk to me. These aren't all of my conditions for marital recovery, it's just what he would need to do so I would even consider communicating with him DIRECTLY.

How are exchanges going to be done to ensure NO CONTACT?

There is NO SUCH THING as a modified version of Plan B. There are NO shortcuts in MB. You need to do a REAL Plan B to help heal yourself. Just look at what you said in the rest of your post. You said that you only communicate about your child, and then here you were discussing the D. It affects you more than you know. You need to get yourself protected.

Survivergirl, take it from someone else who has been through the fire you now find yourself in. Plan B helps...tremendously.

Like you, I fought for a long time to end my wife's affair(s), for my marriage, and for my family. I went through the ups and downs of trying to do many.things that tended to do nothing but cause more pain and heartache.

Let me be real honest. Trying to be cordial and maintaining contact with your wh will hurt you more then it will help. To see the shell of the person you married is heartbreaking. Everytime you see and talk to him will conjure up memories, emotions, and thoughts that will do nothing to help YOU recover.

If you think you can do it, think again. I tried it and there were more bad days than good. I still loved her deeply (I still do) and it just hurt to see her that way.

Since I've been in no contact for the last 8 months, my life has dramatically changed. I find that I am happy with who I am. I found out I can enjoy life without my wife. I found out I don't need someone else to validate my existence. My relationship with our daughter is better than its ever been. I found out that I will be okay whether she comes back to me or not.

Take it from me, Plan B works!!!!

There is no such thing as a modified Plan B!

You are still in full contact with your WH! You cant sit in the marsh and call yourself dry.

Why are you not in Plan B?

Plan B involves removing all triggers (I cant even read his horoscope or hear his name mentioned) all contact and creating a WH free universe.

Tell the truth here:

How many hours a day are spent thinking of him following contact where you are triggered?

Wouldnt you rather have that time to make plans for you and your future and to be happy?

I was only doing the modified Plan B after talking with Dr. H and Joyce on the show. Since our DS is so young he said it was okay. But I am finding that WH is more trying to talk to me, which I do not engage in conversation. So therefore, I am getting all my ducks in a row for a FULL FLEDGED PLAN B. Thank you for all your 2x4's I know I need them.

Marksaysay- Thank you for your input on how you were like me and how you are doing now.

Scotland- Thanks for the steps. That's what I wasn't sure where to put or even if I was suppose to put that in the addendum. Seemed a little premature to me to put it in with the Plan B letter but I wasn't sure. Now that I know just to give that to IM's for future use that helps a TON!

Update: I have been playing phone tag with IM's getting things lined up.

Once again I have been told "no" by another couple that they (mainly the husband) are not comfortable "getting so involved" between me and my WH. So now what? I don't really have anyone else to ask to do this for me. I can't ask my sister b/c she couldn't do it, she has already told me that she wouldn't be able to stay neutral.

WH has rented an apartment, which he did not tell me about, I found out by accident. And he had been keeping our DS there without my knowledge. Raging mad at that! He told me that his appointment he rescheduled with the attorney is for next Friday the 17th, but he said he is not filing he is "trying to think about things".

So I'm kinda stuck in the modified Plan B as to seeing him briefly when he picks up DS (he does not come in the house) and I only hear his voice when he calls DS to say "hi" and "talk" to him. I don't talk with him when he calls.

I put my wedding band band back on Monday. God really convicted me that I am the one wanting to save this marriage and yet I wasn't wearing my ring. (it burned my finger in December and I thought that was weird so I never put it back on.) But WH noticed it when he got DS Wednesday and asked about it. So I told him about God convicting me about it and how I took those vows for better or worse serious and right now its the worst. It's a broken marriage but it's still a marriage.

That's where I'm at right now. It's not ideal but it's all I got so far.