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Agreed on the IM: Don't worry about whether or not it's someone he would regard as worthy - make sure it is someone you know will be strong and stand up for YOU!

As far as the house, you do realize, don't you, that it is YOUR house too, not just his - regardless of who pays for it?! You are his wife and mother of his child - and as such, deserve support! (Not to mention the support of his SON!) There is no reason on earth you should feel that you have to be in his control just because you live in the house. Unless you are living in a house that is way above means, I would not consider moving out if you feel it is best for you and the baby to be there.

Get legal advice - as quickly as possible. Get the names of all the BEST attorneys in your area and schedule consultations with ALL of them, asap. You won't use all of them, of course, but by consulting with them, you ensure your WH can't hire them.

Start putting money aside however possible. Start getting gift cards along with your groceries at the store for emergencies.

You need a separation agreement ASAP.



"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

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My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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Originally Posted by survivergirl
I am looking for a job, daycare, and a place to live so I will not be under "his control" money wise.

It is not a good idea to get a job now. Your husband will have to continue to support you and pay the bills.

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I have also contacted someone for legal counsel. I probably won't hear anything back until Monday though.

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As far as the visit with our son go. I need to lay down some rules, but I can not talk to him on the phone without his yelling and calling me names right now. So therefore we have been in contact via text.

Start thinking of ways you can set up regular visitation for him. It will have to be at someone's house. I wouldn't make it at his mother or sisters house because they might set you up. Perhaps his mother or sister can pick up the baby and he can visit for a few hours at their home?

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Since we are not legally separated I can not change the locks.

Yes you can. It is not illegal in any state in this union to change your locks. I would have your BIL change the locks tomorrow.

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He would still be able to gain access to the house. So therefore, I have had my BIL install chains on the doors. Unfortunately, the doors are not the best so if he pushes hard enough it will break. But my reason for installing these is for mine and our son's safety.

You need to tell your attorney you are afraid of him and ask about a restraining order.

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Who did y'all use are your IM? A friend of both of yours? Someone from church? I don't know who to ask. I think it should be a man though b/c he doesn't have any respect for women right now.

Get a man who can be completely neutral and who will agree to only pass on messages that are pertinent to finances and child visitation. A married couple would be great.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by survivergirl
After reading those letters, I realize I don't feel that way about my WH right now. He has been so hurtful and mean to me that I think he might have crushed any feelings I had left for him. I know that the love I once felt for him can come back, once he stops being this crazy man(I mean he has literally gone crazy). But I am having such a hard time calling on that love to write this letter. Wow, this is hard.

Do your best and put in your own words. The goal is to tell him not to contact you until he has ended his affair and ended ALL CONTACT with the OW and is willing to commit to a marital recovery program. In it you will tell him you expect him to continue to pay the bills and support you as usual. You would include a child visitation schedule and your arrangements for him to see his child. You need to tell him also that the child is never to be around his affair partner.

Post it here and we will help you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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surviver, your husband can't just abandon his wife and child and stop supporting you. That is not how it works. He has placed himself in a terrible legal position by abandoning you for his affair. He will have to continue to support you.

When you see the attorney tell him you don't want your H in the house, don't want his skank around your child and you need full support. Lay out what you expect and tell him to get that for you. If he tells you that you have to stay in contact with him or that you have to let him in the house, tell him NO, you aren't doing that. And he needs to make sure you don't have to.

Your average attorney is lazy and will take the path of least resistance unless you tell him what you expect. You need to make sure and do that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Since we are not legally separated I can not change the locks. He would still be able to gain access to the house. So therefore, I have had my BIL install chains on the doors. Unfortunately, the doors are not the best so if he pushes hard enough it will break. But my reason for installing these is for mine and our son's safety.


Do you have a restraining order? If not, why are you chaining the doors? Not being able to change the locks means that you cannot deny access without a legal order.

You need to watch what you're doing right now. Could get yourself into some trouble.


The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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Originally Posted by americajin
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Since we are not legally separated I can not change the locks. He would still be able to gain access to the house. So therefore, I have had my BIL install chains on the doors. Unfortunately, the doors are not the best so if he pushes hard enough it will break. But my reason for installing these is for mine and our son's safety.


Do you have a restraining order? If not, why are you chaining the doors? Not being able to change the locks means that you cannot deny access without a legal order.

You need to watch what you're doing right now. Could get yourself into some trouble.

I disagree. It is not against the law in any state in this union to change one's locks. She can and should change the locks on the doors in her own home. Yes she CAN deny access without a court order. Just WATCH HER do that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I would contact a lawyer to see if you could change locks. I don't see why you couldn't .... Your husband has left with who knows who and you are fearful for your security. If he comes to the door and wants in, don't deny access.

Seek local advise. It should be given free during first visit.



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Folks, you do not need to contact a lawyer to change the locks on your own home. It is not against the law in any state in this union to change your own locks.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Also, her husband has moved out of the home and abandoned her. He doesn't even live there anymore. If he wants to get into the house, he can go get a COURT ORDER to do that. [which he won't do because he won't want to have her explain to a judge WHY she changed the locks]


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Great point ML.....

I would like to hear that explanation ....

WH ..."Judge I need back into my house to get my sexy jeans. My wife changed the locks when I moved out to screw my skanky girlfriend."

Judge..... "ACCESS DENIED!!!"

Change the locks today survival......

Be Strong. Keep posting


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Agree with Mel. You absolutely can change the locks. There is no law that says you can't change your own locks.

You have a very good argument if he tries to gets a lawyer and tries to get back in. In Plan B, I changed my locks, and when I filed for D, it was very easy to get exclusive use of the home since he had left willingly and established another residence. I think that's the key.

If you have a garage opener, make sure to change the codes as well.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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Agree w/Mel and Susie.

Your wh deserves nothing right now. But a plan B letter and an attorney to send him notice he is to appear in court immediately for a spousal and child support hearing.

He needs to realize he does not get a choice in the matter of abandoning his family. WE have courts who will gladly enforce this for you. And for his wayward convenience, they can easily garnish his paycheck, or take a portion of it and instantly transfer it to your account, if he is too busy skankin' around.

Get an attorney now. And MAKE them do what YOU PAY FOR THEM TO DO...YOU HIRE THEM, IT'S NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. They work for YOU.


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Folks, you do not need to contact a lawyer to change the locks on your own home. It is not against the law in any state in this union to change your own locks.

No kidding. Just take your house key and "lose" it. There you go, if anyone asks you had to change your locks because you lost your key.



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I don't know what or how it happened. But after a horrible day yesterday with tons of fighting. WH has decided that he only wants to be with me and our family. He is willing to quit his job and wants to move to another city. He has committed to blocking her phone numbers on his work phone until we move and he quits. He is a completely different person today.

I told him I am very guarded b/c I don't want to be hurt again. And I explained pretty much what I was going to say in the Plan B letter to him today. He understands that our fighting was killing any chance we were going to have at working on us.

When asked what he wants for our future his reply is I want my family back. He has said he is willing to do whatever it takes. He asked me what I want and I told him I want us to be completely honest with each other about everything even the hard stuff. I want us to be best-friends, I want to be the first person he thinks of talking to when something good or bad happens. I want us to be so in love that when we are 80 he still thinks I'm the most beautiful person. I also told him that once we have made it through all this, a long long long way down the road, that I would like us to renew our marriage vows. He said he thought that that was a wonderful idea. We will be starting marriage counseling again with a REAL marriage counselor that will give up certain steps to take to get through this. I am feeling very hopeful!

Oh and OWH has exposed to their work. So that has been done. So WH might lose his job. But he didn't the first time his job found out so who knows.

Instead of WH taking the baby today, we spent the day together as a family. That was WH idea. I was nervous about that at first but I wanted him to know I do want to work on our relationship. I'm glad we did that. We spent the entire day together and went out on a "family date night". I know our son really enjoyed having his Daddy around.

This is great right?!?!


D-day 1- August 2011
D-day 2- October 2011
D-day 3- December 2011
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Originally Posted by survivergirl
I don't know what or how it happened. But after a horrible day yesterday with tons of fighting. WH has decided that he only wants to be with me and our family. He is willing to quit his job and wants to move to another city. He has committed to blocking her phone numbers on his work phone until we move and he quits. He is a completely different person today.

I told him I am very guarded b/c I don't want to be hurt again. And I explained pretty much what I was going to say in the Plan B letter to him today. He understands that our fighting was killing any chance we were going to have at working on us.

When asked what he wants for our future his reply is I want my family back. He has said he is willing to do whatever it takes. He asked me what I want and I told him I want us to be completely honest with each other about everything even the hard stuff. I want us to be best-friends, I want to be the first person he thinks of talking to when something good or bad happens. I want us to be so in love that when we are 80 he still thinks I'm the most beautiful person. I also told him that once we have made it through all this, a long long long way down the road, that I would like us to renew our marriage vows. He said he thought that that was a wonderful idea. We will be starting marriage counseling again with a REAL marriage counselor that will give up certain steps to take to get through this. I am feeling very hopeful!

Oh and OWH has exposed to their work. So that has been done. So WH might lose his job. But he didn't the first time his job found out so who knows.

Instead of WH taking the baby today, we spent the day together as a family. That was WH idea. I was nervous about that at first but I wanted him to know I do want to work on our relationship. I'm glad we did that. We spent the entire day together and went out on a "family date night". I know our son really enjoyed having his Daddy around.

This is great right?!?!

Wow! That was a fast turn around and you are right to be cautious. A couple of things:

Since he is willing to do whatever it takes, you're in the drivers seat. I STRONGLY urge you to sign up for the online course here where you will have a personal coach AND direct access to Dr. Harley on a private forum.

But the 1st thing that needs to happen is that he needs to write a no-contact letter to OW, you read it and approve, and YOU mail it or have it delivered to her. There are samples here on the site.

The 2nd thing is he needs to come up with and put extraordinary precautions in place. Again there are samples for these.

Don't stop snooping quietly because waywards lie and sometimes take things underground. The last thing you need is a false recovery.

Good job on the exposures and killing this affair! But your work has just begun. Expect him to go through withdrawal. Not fair, but normal.

Stick with the plans and you'll become an MB success story.

Will your husband post? Before you invite him though, you might want to contact the mods about hiding this thread, just in case it's a false recovery.

Again good job!!!! And keep posting.


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Oh, and you need to KNOW what happened between yesterday and today. We're they in contact?


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surviver, I am cautiously optimistic for you. Your exposure has shaken the affair to its core. Well done! hurray

Here's what you've got: a husband who is still currently wayward, but is starting to see some of the realities of his actions. He is still incredibly foggy. You need to be very clear with him about what he needs to do in order to come home. If you allow him to just move back in he'll try to cake-eat. Set the bar high. Tell him it is possible to earn your forgiveness, but there is much work to be done.

Do you have a list of requirements ready for him? He'll need to agree to all of them before returning home.


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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by survivergirl
He is willing to quit his job and wants to move to another city. He has committed to blocking her phone numbers on his work phone until we move and he quits. He is a completely different person today.

Until he leaves this job the affair is ON. Many a WS has "promised" to quit the job to placate his BS and then conveniently couldn't find a job for months or years. Every time your husband goes to work, the affair is ACTIVE. Every day he sees her at work, he is triggered.

Recovery is IMPOSSIBLE until one of them leaves that job. Unless there is absolute no contact, the affair is still on and you will NEVER recover. NEVER.

I am very dubious about this sudden change of heart. Just think, the OW told her husband on Thursday she would "never" end her affair. My feeling is that they have gone further underground and are playing nice to set themselves up in a legally advantageous situation. They will say the affair ended, bide some time and then get divorced on better terms.

You need to watch your back, because this 180 flip happened a little too fast for my spidey senses.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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SG, I would also exchange cell phones with him today and get a keylogger on his computer. Put spyware on his phone that has a GPS on it. Some good ones are eblaster or flexispy. A good keylogger is eblaster. Get that all in place NOW because you are going to have to watch him like a hawk. And don't tell him you did this and whatever you do, DON'T TELL HIM ABOUT THIS WEBSITE.

Read this very carefully:

Originally Posted by Dr Harley in Requirements for Recovery
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts marriagebuilders
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.
here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by survivergirl
He has committed to blocking her phone numbers on his work phone until we move and he quits.

You only have the word of a liar. This is meaningless.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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