This is my first time on marriage builders. I have been married for almost 20 years and with my husband for almost 25. Due to abuse I left the home. I returned when he left & proceeded to get a protection order. Initially he gave me money to help pay bills. He has always had control over all our money and other than the money I made had no access to any funds. I have always worked part-time.For the last 2 months he has not contributed in anyway to paying bills. Anyway long story short his cell phone is on the family plan of which my phone is the main phone listed and the bill is in my name. Is it wrong to take him off the phone plan since he is not helping pay the bills?

So are you divorcing? If you are, have you filed? You can get temporary orders in place while the divorce is pending, especially in a long-term marriage where you've always worked part-time. Do you have minor children in the home? Has he always been abusive? Obviously not since you married him and surely you didn't marry an abusive man. Did something happen?

It seems like there's more to this story.

Welcome to Marriage Builders! How did you find us?

As for the phone, I wouldn't pay it if you can't afford it. Why would you?

Through counseling I have been affirmed that I need to be out of this very toxic, dysfunctional, abusive relationship that I felt like I needed to stay in as a believer. That somehow God would fix my husband if I just waited long enough! For fleeting moments I wonder if all these abusive situations are really not enough to warrant leaving and I should just take it for another 25 years. That sexual addiction, alcohol addiction, abuse both emotional and physical is not enough to leave. We have 8 children, 5 still in the home and he has all the financial control. I have a protection order in place (just having that should give me an indication that I am not crazy). I just feel crazy....

Yes we are divorcing and I filed. We have 5 children of the 8 still at home. Always had some form of abuse. Emotional always, physical sometimes, and there were clear signs before we married and a counselor told us not to marry. He has serious sexual addictions that were obvious before we married too. When I met him I said we couldn't be friends because he was a mess. Then after several years he contacted me after being in a serious car accident and suffering a closed head injury. He said all he wanted was to find me. I guess that is when my caretaking and enabling do-dependant personality kicked in and I made it my mission to fix him.

Some friends of mine who have been very supportive who are getting counseling from Marriage builders suggested this forum. Trying to get temporary orders now, but he has hidden all our money and closed all the accounts. He thinks I should go find full time employment and support everyone so I get a dose of reality.

That's amazing! 8 children? Bless your heart! I have four and i thought that was a handful.

He can't just walk away and abandon his family. Is this a second marriage? I don't understand what you mean that you're "trying" to get temporary orders. That's usually requested when you file for divorce. A judge can ORDER him to produce financial records. Do you have an attorney his is this a DIY divorce?

Was there any adultery?

DA8, please stick to one thread so people can keep us. Click notify and ask the mods to merge this with your other thread. I answered you over there. Can you please respond to that post?

Good to know you're a believer. Let's talk more about that on your other thread.

I was married when I was 20 for three years and had my oldest daughter. Then the other 7 came from this marriage. We had our first child before we were married and due to the dysfunction we waited 2 years before getting married. Wanted to fix it...but that obviously wasn't the way to do it. My counselor said that I got my only unconditional love from God and my children and that is why I loved having kids so much. I love being a mom! My attorney was filing to get a temporary hearing so he would pay something to help. Yes he has until the 13th to produce records. He is very sneaky though and we own our own company and he does a lot in cash. He has hidden tens of thousands of dollars already. He says he doesn't want the divorce but has done nothing to seek help or counseling and recently got a DWI and refused to take the test. He now has another lawyer and is fighting that. One of our college aged daughters asked him for some money for her dance team apparel and he said no, ask your mother. He committed adultery within the first couple years of our marriage.

Well I called cell phone company today and told them he would have permission for the next 72 hours to get his own account with them and port his number. I texted him and let him know that in 48 hours his phone would be suspended and in 72 hours his phone would be disabled and he would no longer be able to port his number. I decided to give him that information so I could be good with how I handled it. So now the responsibility to handle it is on his shoulders and he will no longer be on my bill in 72 hours regardless of how he chooses to handle it or not. Feel very good about my decision and should have done it a couple months ago. But I am in process!

DA8,

First, welcome to MB. This is exactly where you need to be. The people here are AMAZING. They (we?) won't always tell you what you WANT to hear; but what you NEED to hear.

Now, with your handling of the cell phone. While I was in another position (primary income earner, sole bill payer), this is exactly how I handled the cell phone family plan. I gave my WXW a week's notice. Low and behold, it was a "shock" to her when her phone didn't work. People are funny like that. But, it was a shining moment for me. It allowed me to realize that I didn't have to hold all of the burden. I didn't have to keep the status quo.

You have drawn your boundary. You have given him plenty of time to make his choice. And that choice is his; not yours. Feel no remorse for this. You will find, that this will be your rock in the future when resetting your boundaries.

I haven't read your other thread, but second the suggestion to get them merged (if it hasn't happened yet).

I wish you well in all of this. It's a bumpy road, especially with the amount of time you have invested in this marriage. Keep those kids safe, happy, and learning.