I'm not sure I have the heart nor the energy to want to try for this marriage any more. I said 'stay' once back in 2006 and I just lack the desire to do it again. In the 20 + years I've known my husband he has never been one to make a decision and yet here he is saying he wants to separate and divorce... No OW this time.

Can it be that, yes we are /were 'good' friends, but that was IT. Really we are two people who are chalk and cheese and never should have got married in the first place??

45 yrs old, 2 children and starting again?

Why does he want a divorce, Jane?

And how do you know there is no OW?

Is that what you want, Jane, to start again? Can you tell us a little more about what's been happening in your marriage?

If you truly wanted to throw in the towel you would have done so. But you came here. That tells me something. As in, you aren't quite ready to end your M.

What's been happening in your M?

I cannot say 100% there isn't an OW; but I grew a pretty suspicious mind after his A. I'd say his mannerisms, attitude are different, and I believe him now when he says he isn't.

Yes, I came here...my brain analyses situations to the nth degree and I'm hoping that from hearing people's views, experience, asking questions of me, that I might see things from different perspectives.

I unfortunately need to log off now, but I'll respond further tomorrow. Thank you. Jane

What snooping have you done to rule out an affair? Surely you understand that asking him was a fruitless endeavor? You won't find out that way.

For what reason does he want a divorce?

He said �I don�t love you anymore�.

We�d gone for a walk at my suggestion; I�d hope to understand the reasoning behind the wanting divorce. There were no heated arguments; he began to open up and then out of the blue - that! Never, in even the lowest of moments has he ever said that.

A few weeks prior, I have even lost sight how we arrived there, but, we weren�t talking, we avoided each other, he was spending as much time away from me as possible, he stopped sleeping in the same room. Then, he mailed me at work and said he could bare this no longer and we needed to talk. After the children went to bed, we spoke.. He said he hated it being like this and could not imagine going through life only for this hate to keep happening, ending up at 60 with nothing between us.

There were subsequently a few emails attempting to explain and the walk; I�d hoped that the walk would elicit further communication, initiated by him. But no, still nothing.

I said this time I would not ask him to stay, that if he wants to go I would not stop him. (Don�t judge me if that sounds like pride. It was something I told myself, it helped me get past his A). It took so much of me, energy and years to feel a person again, that I don�t want to be the one to initiate this again!

(His A is not an issue any longer, for me. Yes, it took years to stop the hurting. The only lasting effect is how it changed my perception of him: I see faults when I didn�t see them before.)

In 3 days I have to go away for a few days he�s looking after the children and then he wanted to find a place. I am guilty too of not always enjoying my marriage, but I cannot understand his reasons/sentiments, that they alone are enough to give up his children and home.

It sounds like an affair is active. Totally.

Really, Reading? I don't see much except apathy. I'd be curious to know what stuck out to you as indicative of an affair.

To me it sound like a complete lack of UA time. Jane, it seems to me you have developed a habit of not spending much time together. If that's true, how do you expect to be in love with someone who you don't do anything fun with? (It's a basic MB principle that people fall in love with each other when they do things together that they both enjoy -- it's how affairs sometimes start out.)

opt

We�ll he�s adamant about leaving. And although he�s tried to explain why, I still can�t get it through to my head.

I�m angry about it; angry that I�ve been given the ultimatum, angry that he doesn�t want even to consider guidance. He feels so strongly against us, that he is willing to leave a home and children and rent a room!

You know when 2 people have 2 opposite views about a book and you just cannot see the other person�s opinion, this is what this is like.

I�ve been told I�m cold, intimidating, over bearing, a dog with a bone. (if you know the character Claire from Modern Family, there are some similarities there�.). He said that he woke up with a dark vision of what his life in 10 years time would be like with me and didn�t want that. I�m not sure I�ve changed that much in all these years ..His character, personality - he�s a better person than I am; people naturally like him, but living with him is sooo different. I'm not a bad person, but every negative thing about me, every minor recent disagrement is being exagerated.

He, spewing all this out makes me feel that I�m the one here who has to eat humble pie.

I�m divided; this is all so stressful to everyone. Do you think separation is a good route? Is it a way to learn to like each other again, to see if there is any future?

Are you sure there is no affair?

100% certain he isn't.

Did he take a polygraph that you are so sure?

I read an interview with a divorce atty, he wrote 92% of divorces he handled in 30 years of practice had a 3rd party, in the other 7% he was certain of it, but couldn't proof it. In 1% of the case it involved severe abuse and there was usually an outside party (family, physician) who was driving the divorce for the safety of the person in question.

Nobody gets divorced unless there is already an exit plan.

I don't know what reading saw, but here's what flagged me:

Apathy wouldn't drive him in this direction, IMO. He is actively withdrawing and pulling away from Jane.

I think there may be an OW.

I'm not so convinced that there is an affair here. But there are some issues that concern me about the relationship, which may be the reason he is withdrawing. Withdrawal doesn't always mean "affair". Sometimes it just simply means 'I'm not happy". I withdrew a year before my divorce but I wasn't having an affair. I was more or less seeking God about what my next move would be and trying to analyze the impact it would have on my son.

My concern is with the way that you describe yourself Jane (cold). You come off as this strong, overbearing and outspoken wife and I'm thinking you may have smothered his manhood. You may need to bring it down a notch and allow him to initiate some of the conversations, and perhaps make some decisions (although you say he never has). In other words, just be quiet and listen. He may actually have something to say. And right now him saying he wants out may be the only way that he feels he will be heard.

I'll add in Jane..men usually like some soft place to fall, while women, we tend to leave for an idea sometimes. An ideal or a fantasy.

I'd bet money there's an ow in there somewhere.