I am writing this to check what am I suppose to do?

We have been married for 2 years now. At first when we got there was not attachment between us. I was thinking that this could be her nature. Soon after marriage we moved to UK she started to slowly open up. But soon she got pregnant and she and all other family members wanted her to return to India and in the pregnancy experience over her staying in UK or returning to India I got into arguments and she didn�t like that and finally I gave up and she returned(This has made some permanent damage to her).

After our first child�s birth I continued in UK and she stayed back in India for her studies and I kept myself busy with almost all the work I could do in 24 hours.
After a year I returned from UK. Once this incident happened

�I went out for night duty in India and unexpectedly returned in the middle of the night to find my wife missing. But when she returned back she told me that she was out with her college friends on a night out. So I convinced all our families that it was alright. For which she also came close to me. Around after 15 days of this incident it was our daughters birthday when we get a very big gift from some un-invited guests which makes us think what the hell is happening. Still I convinced my parents that it could be just her friends and now she drifts away from me. Our sex life had completely dried up by now.

Now comes the big move. When we migrated to Australia with no access to internet or phone lines she was desperate and confessed that she was seeing the guy. She tells me that she started seeing this guy after we got engaged and stopped seeing him when we got married and moved to UK. But few months after our childs birth when I was in UK and she was in India going to college she started seeing this guy again. And just before me returning from UK she had confessed it to her mother about this and it was covered up by her parents and this guy had called my father in law for the proposal to marry her and take away our child.�


It was during the confession I came across the Q&A section of MB and I read that to my wife and she agreed a bit to it. And later on she started responding and slowly she started speaking more honestly than she ever was. It makes me love her more. The only things that concern me is �How to get her emotionally attached�. I have already read the basic concepts. She has confirmed that she will not talk to the guy and she will fully spends some time with me and she sometimes cracks a joke or two. She is making efforts from her side as well. However, I see some stuff she has worry�s me a bit not too much though. And she sometimes chuckles when we are talking and says its nothing which I would assume that those would be some funny incidents with the other guy. I have told her to share them as well.
I don�t know what to do. I Love her so deeply madly that I can�t even imagine my life without her. Please suggest how to follow. How should I really identify her needs apart from asking her to fill the questionnaire? Should we read his needs her needs together? Or should we read it separately? Although she talks to me but she doesn�t let me close in so need to understand what I should exactly be doing.

Welcome to MB, hitman. I am sorry to read of these events.

I have a few questions:

Where do you live now? Are you still in Australia without internet or phone access? (Duh! How are you writing this post?)

Have you any means of checking whether she is in contact with OM? Are you spying on her phone and internet activities (if she has access)?

Who is OM? Was he some random stranger she made friends with in India, or an ex boyfriend, or a family friend or what? How extraordinary for her parents to condone the affair and hide it from you. That makes me wonder whether he was a family friend.

Is there any chance that the child is not yours? Does the conception date firmly locate your wife in the UK?

Why did she end the affair, if she was so involved and he wanted to marry her and raise the child?

I don't think you can see yourself as in Recovery until you know a lot more about this affair, her parents' role in it and whether it is really over.

Was yours an arranged marriage? If so, why did her parents agree to the marriage and then allow their daughter to have an affair? I don't understand her family's role in all this and I would appreciate your clarification.

Thank you very much sugarcane.

We are living in Australia and I meant she doesn't have access to the phone or the internet.

I am completely positive that she doesnt have acccess to phone or internet.

he is her high school classmate who she started seeing after we got engaged. and stopped it when we got married.

her parents were afraid that I might break up the marriage. I have already spoken to her mom about this and she told me that she did that to save the marriage and asked my wife to get out of it. during the the nights incident her father confessed that he had received the phone call with the marriage proposal.
I don't doubt even a bit that the child is not mine. my wife was in UK when we first got the positive pregnancy confirmation.
None of the family members supported her for doing that and I also tried hard explaining how bad it would be on our child's life if we were to separate and myself not imagining my life without her.

Yes, ours was an arrange marriage their parents in no way supported the affair.

I am not sure what should be the guidelines to follow now as there is too much wisdom in the site to read.

Thanks again Sugar!!

If I understand you correctly, your main problem now, is that you want her to be in love with you as you are with her, right?

There are two things you should do apart from her having no contact with the other man. In time, he will be a vague distant memory if she is in love with you.

1.
Find out what she did with the other man, that met her needs. Was it going out? Was it talking? And if they talked, about what? Feelings, or just anything and everything, or both. Was it the feeling of carelessness? Maybe you know the answers to these questions already.

2.
Filling out the emotional needs questionaires together is a great idea. That way you come to know what it is she craves and you maybe had not thought about yet. Also it gives the two of you the opportunity to share your feelings about things. If she is not in withdrawal at the moment, this can actually bring in a bit of money in your love bank. You will want to find out the love busters questionaire also.

This is a good oportunity to build a great marriage and build healthy habits for the two of you. As I understand you have been living apart for quite a bit during the marriage. It is important for the two of you to understand that this is always a bad idea. Stay together and do not live apart. I hope your in-laws understand this too by now.

This is your chance to build a great and steadfast fundament for a long and healthy marriage.
If you build a house out of cardboard and glue it will fall apart, but if you build your marriage house of bricks and cement you will have something that lasts.

Good luck and God bless you,

Happyheart

Thank you happy heart deeply appreciate the prayers & wisdom!!!

In the previous reply I was told that I am not yet at the recovering state which adds to my worries.

Anyway, I am planning to read his needs her needs together to understand. Ill also do that together.

You rather misrepresented what I said, hitman. This is what I said:

If you feel you know all about the affair and there are no unanswered questions, then that part of my post doesn't apply to you.

Also,I wanted to understand if I have to do something about the leftover material. my wife is aware that I have the knowledge of the extra phone she used to text the guy. infact, she herself handed that to me for reading(didn't allow me to read completely though). she also has a notepad where she used to write her feelings. should I destroy that or ask her to take it off.

Please suggest.

My suggestions are to do some snooping at this point.

Get a voice activated recorder to put where she hangs out at home near a phone (she may have a calling card and be using a landline or secret cell)., maybe put one in your car.

If she has friends, she may be using their phones/internet connection.

I don't think you are near recovery. The way to win her affections is to be the best husband you can at showing you want to meet her needs (guess what they are by your knowledge of her as this point) and know that until the affair is ended for good, she will not attach to you.

Do not travel without her or have her travel without you. If she goes to India to visit family, you go. Better yet, they visit you where you are from now on, meaning as long as you are married to her for all time. No exceptions.

Also, though you can not imagine life without her, you could live it. Just a note to help you remain focused and not to panic at the idea of loosing her. She is your wife, you will fight for your marriage and family but not at all costs. Ultimately, you must say you did your best either way and be at peace with that.

Thanks Reading. as a matter of fact we have left our daughter back in India so that we get some time for ourselves and she wants to get our daughter here. a bit confused there as well.

Hitman, why did you ask this?

As MelodyLane told you, "hacking into" either would be illegal and we will not advise you on that.

However, you might try reading his FB page if it is open to the public. Have you search for it? Does it tell you anything about the affair? ifs your wife shown there as a friend of his?

Hi Sugarcane,

Thanks once again for the reply.

Yes, I have read all of his facebook wall posts. and there are some hints here and there. the date ranges what my wife has mentioned also matches to the wall posts.

Through facebook itself I got to know about a video that was created and dedicated to my wife on her birthday on youtube.

apart from that nothing else I could find.

Hence, I assumed that there could be more hidden stuff in his inbox so that I can sneak into that.

anyway, my concern is about the stuff she is holding with her. a cell phone with all the text messages they have exchanged and a notepad wherein she has been noting all her feelings. She said she has kept it somewhere. should I ask her to get rid of that?

and also, she wants to get our daughter(currently living with my parents) to Australia. Should I wait? or should I get her here?

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Thanks Reading. as a matter of fact we have left our daughter back in India so that we get some time for ourselves and she wants to get our daughter here. a bit confused there as well.
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and also, she wants to get our daughter(currently living with my parents) to Australia. Should I wait? or should I get her here?
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You should never withold a baby from its mother. That is unwise for 2 reasons.

1
Your wife will hate you for it. The fact that YOU are against bringing her child with her to Australia will make MAJOR withdrawals from her love bank every day. A mother longs, hungers for her child when it is noth with her. It is CRUEL to have her leave the child with your parents, while she wants her child back.

2
A child needs a bond with an important person, its mother in its life. That is especially true for a child that is so young! Your wife was with the child all of its life. She is his most important person in the world. It is CRUEL to the child to take this person away. Children who do not have this relation with one and the same person steadily throughout at LEAST the first three years of their lives are at a disadvantage. They have more trouble with forming steady relationships and feeling secure for the rest of their lives, than if they had had this secure relationship. All research points out, that seperating a child from its mother is a MAJOR stress factor for the child (and for the mother too).

If the idea is, to have some alone time, you can hire a babysitter. Also, a little child sleeps a lot, so you can do things in the evening and while the child is taking its afternoon nap.

PLEASE bring your child to Australia with you ASAP. Then, give the child and its mother some weeks to get the child accustomed to its new home. After the child feels well in your home, you can carefully bring in a babysitter.

Allthough it is nice to have time alone with your wife, keeping her away from the child is not going to make her feel better about you. Also, you did not see your child the first year of its life. And now you are not with it either. When would you think you are going to form a bond with it. When it is 18? You are not going to have a happy family with a child that cries each time it sees you, because you are a stranger to your child.

I can also assume that one of the most important emotional needs for a woman is family commitment. I know how it is to not have the father of your child near you. Do you know how lonely she must have felt when the child said its first word, and you were not there to hear it?
No other man can ever bring such love bank deposits as YOU. Because you are the father of her child. And you deposit MAJORly if the two of you sit on the floor with your child and play together or say to one another: look, what a pretty picture it just drew with its little pencil!

The policy of joint agreement says you should never do anything without the enthousiastic agreement of your spouse. That certainly includes taking your child away from its mother and having your child live with your parents.

Happyheart

***EDIT***

This is a reminder to help posters with Marriage Builders advice. If you feel unable to give MB advice, please refrain from posting.

Have a family member bring your child to Australia.
If that isn't possible, go with your wife to get her BUT it would be ideal for whomever is caring for her there, to bring her to you.

I understand that probably means that person will be staying with you for a while after the trip but hopefully you can arrange it so you and your wife have space together.

Exactly what I wanted to hear. the days are becoming tougher and tougher without our daughter here. I was confused because I read here that child would consume the time and we wouldn't give time to each other. Ill try to plan my days so that we give time for each other besides our daughter

feeling more devastated than ever. I have just found out her secret email account and she hasn't been talking to the guy since she said she wouldn't. but after reading everything realized there was no attachment with me because he was always there in the picture ever since we got married. all that I could get is she was upto kissing the guy. not sure if that was PA. I am still lying low not sure what to do?

Does she know that you have access to this account?

If not, just keep an eye on it for a while. Don't forget to check her deleted folder and sent items as well.

CV

No, She is not aware of that. I have taken screen shots. I know she keeps visiting those things although without contacting him. do you see any danger there?

Oh yes. If she keeps going back and revisiting those emails between them then the affair is alive in her head. She is keeping the fantasy alive.

What you need to do right now (IMO) is to keep quiet for a few weeks on this and see if there is still contact. While you are doing this, plan A her. Work to meet all her EN's as best you can. Give her a reason to NOT WANT to go back and read those.

No contact is in place, right? She wrote the letter and sent it?

CV