We've been married 11 years. We have a 10,7, & 1 1/2 yo. We also suffered a loss of our third child, still birth at almost 9 mths pg, he would be 4 yo. I am 30, him 34. We met and immediately were together ever since. I can honestly say its been true love from the start and a very great love. But since the beginning I have to admit I have seen his temper and anger to the point if he was really diagnosed he would at least be bipolar. The stresses of daily life, finances, trying to raise children on just one income have certainly built in him and I have watched his temper grow and grow over the years. We've both made our mistakes, mine insisting on fixing finances and small things myself instead of consulting with him for help because of his anger and apparent inability to handle things. I feel it is half a cop out excuse for me not to haven been honest about these things but admit the true fear I feel from having to deal with him. Over the years dealing with his anger is like walking on eggshells and I see it in the children now so I know its not just me being oversensitive like he is fond of saying. Its escelated over the years to the past 4 being physically abusive. The first time he ended up punching me in the face like 5 times, blood was everywhere in the truck. Next time I was afraid of telling him when I hit a shopping cart in a parking lot causing a dent and he smacked me so hard it knocked me clean out on the ground. Another time we were arguing and he pushed me so hard across the kitchen I was in the air and put my hand back to catch myself and broke my wrist. The last time was last Jan., so almost a year ago, arguing and he slapped me, I finally called the police this time and he was in jail over the weekend. smaller times before these were grabbing me or pulling me back by my hair while walking away.

As rediculous as it all sounds, and I feel so rediculous for even saying im still here today, good times are terrific. Hes a very hard worker and great father other than the temper he lets them see. Im not afraid of him in a physical sense despite all ive gone through with him, in fact I know he would crumble without me. But I feel he would make it hard if I did follow through with leaving. This past weekend we argued a lot and he asked if I had the money would I have left him a long time ago. He also asked if I was still in love with him. As much as hes hurt me over the years it is still so hard to say any of these things that would hurt him. I stood there in silence, the answers to these questions right at my lips but so hesitant to actually release. But my non response and the way I was looking at him he knew the answers. I would have left him and the things hes done to me have killed a lot of the feelings I once had for him.

At first he took my phone, locked it wouldnt give it back, hes done this a couple times before during a big blow up. By the end of the weekend he gave it back. saying I should not give up on him yet. Hitting rock bottom for him was going to jail, he says. I cried and screamed at him that hurting me the first time should have been enough, and so that if I had called the police on him the first time would it have never happened again?? Only afraid of the police is that the only reason?? He feels if I leave him now after hes turned this leaf and has done so good the past year I would be pulling the rug out from under him and that I should give him more time. That I am giving up on him too easily. Guiltful things now like is it better for the kids to grow up in a split up house or with a father that is trying. Says he will never lay his hands on me again, he might get mad and yell and be loud but hes working to lessen that as well. I assured him that I do in fact love him and I want him to get better no matter what because the children still need him to regardless of what happens to us. Most of the time I feel like even if he wasnt violent anymore, just loud and angry, Ive just grown away from that type of person and I do not want that kind of person or energy around me anymore, its still very stressful even without hitting and im just tired. So many other times I still see the love we have and how things could have been had he not had these issues. Half of me is done, half of me doesnt want to let go of the love and bond that we started with and still is there to a point. My head goes in circles everyday over this, sometimes I look at him and see that angry person and the things hes done, other half the time I see that man that I fell in love with. I feel like I am just going to crack, I dont know what to do. Then being a stay at home mom and seeing the little faces of my children depending on me to make the right decision. I couldnt live with making the wrong one...

Hes talking and making me feel like Im being unreasonable for wanting out now. Like I said, things like "your going to pull the rug out from under me now" and " are you really going to give up on me" and plenty other things while he was stating his case. Making sure I feel bad when its all started and everyones world is falling apart because of a separation, it was my decision and my fault. I feel that I have been plenty strong enough to have hung on this long through everything else, now I just need the reassurance and strength that I can press on and let go of the good things that were and move to the next level. Considering we dont have enough money to split up, I told him hed work days & I would work nights and we wouldnt have to see each other and go from there. I really dont know where or how else to start.

You feel love for this guy? THIS guy? The man who beats up the mother of his kids? And what does he do for you? Oh I get it. He says he's sorry. That he won't do it again. Then he hits you again.

And you want this man around your kids? What happens when the kids are older and talk back to him??? I'll answer for you..SMACK! He'll hit them or harm them.

Your kids are seeing this...is that smart or good for them? Do you know how many women are killed by their violent husbands each year? Alot.

Love your KIDS MORE THAN THIS MONSTER and get the hell away from him. Trust me, I got my son away from my xwh who was verbally abusive in the end. He escalated and married his affair partner and was more abusive to her. They rarely get better without INTENSIVE TREATMENT.

I would divorce and never look back. You owe your children a safe life. Stop the drama, and put your kids first. In time after you heal, you will find the right kind of man. Use MB as a tool to work on yourself. Do your parents know he is AN ABUSER? I'm surprised he's not locked up longer for punching you in the face five times.

DO YOU WANT TO SAVE YOUR KIDS AND YOURSELF? There's no GREAT LOVE as you called it here. Nothing. you either protect your kids right now, and do the right thing by them, or else turn them over to a loving relative who will PROTECT THEM FROM THE MONSTER you are crying over. He is NO HUSBAND.

This man is a CRIMINAL.

I want you to get yourself and the kids to a womens' shelter and get some free counseling.

You need to understand you are a woman who has been a victim of domestic violence. They keep doing this. They don't stop.

But a victim should not let her abuser walk all over her and harm herself and the kids. You can stop this now before he either kills you or harms the children one day.

You need only read the headlines of newspapers to know if you stay with this manipulator, this abuser, this criminal that you will end up, maybe your precious kids too, as a statistic or a one inch column in a newspaper. A sad story where the woman didn't want to get out of an abusive relationship.

I want you to get yourself and the kids to a womens' shelter and get some free counseling.

You need to understand you are a woman who has been a victim of domestic violence. They keep doing this. They don't stop.

But a victim should not let her abuser walk all over her and harm herself and the kids. You can stop this now before he either kills you or harms the children one day.

You need only read the headlines of newspapers to know if you stay with this manipulator, this abuser, this criminal that you will end up, maybe your precious kids too, as a statistic or a one inch column in a newspaper. A sad story where the woman didn't want to get out of an abusive relationship.

Go to a shelter.

Get a restraining order.

Protect your children from this "man".

Look up battered wives syndrome....that is what my counselor told me to do....wow, I fit the description to a tee and so do you! You need to see how this abuse goes in a cycle and you somehow must think you deserve it or should be able to fix it. Please seek help immediately. The cycle gets worse and worse. Honeymoon stage gets shorter and shorter....how long will you wait...until you are dead? Not joking that you need to take a long hard look at not just how it is effecting you but your children. You are teaching them that this is how they should be treated. I now have a 21 year old that is finally leaving her abusive situation because I finally took a stand in my own life. You are shaping the future for your children right now. Get out of there now!

Ive been going back and forth over the months that maybe he is going to be better, and if he is, what if its my inability to forgive him for the past thats getting in the way of us 'getting better'?? Thats been my hesitation these past months, like I still might be being too hasty or something. But I am able to see now and know confidently I will not be able to forgive him until I am away from him and not seeing his face everyday reminding me of everything on a daily basis. Im ok with not forgiving him just yet. And forgiving him doesnt have to mean being with or going back to him. (thats been another thing in the way for a while) But however, I will start to forgive myself for being here so long and keeping my children here so long by finally leaving. Ive visited a couple other boards along with this one these past weeks, knowing Im on the path building this last bit of courage. And I thank everyone for helping with your words to help me with this lat bit of courage I know I needed to find to finally do what I know Ive needed to do for a long time.

Since I let our last conversation about him leaving just die down a few weeks ago, leaving him Ill have to bring it back up again on my own, as opposed to waiting for another blow up. Im not afraid of him in this aspect, regarding leaving, and he has expressed that if this is what I truly want he wont stand in my way and even offered that just giving him until tax time and he will have the $ he needs to actually leave the house. I do believe him however I also know that none of that is guaranteed until it is actually seen. Regardless, I feel that Im in a time pinch now, agreeing with him that tax time is the best time for all of this to take place and it needs to be addressed before other plans for that $ are made. that being said I am terrible with initiating conversations, especially heavy ones like this. ok once we're in the middle of it, but thats why I titled this "ice breaker". I have made a letter that I could give him to start things off. Considering we've already talked about all of these things and theres nothing much more to say except Ive decided to make all of those prior things stick. And it is also starting off as a response to a note he left on my phone when he took it from me the last time after I said I wasnt in love with him anymore. Please read and see what you think??

"[b][/b]�damn ya just broke my heart�. You broke my heart every time you put your hands on me. It killed me every time you did it, and it ate away at my feelings for you more and more each time. Sometimes when I look at you I see the man I fell in love with, sometimes I just see the angry person and the things that you�ve done. And Im disappointed in myself, for a lot of things, lying because I was afraid to tell you things, that�s not the person I am. Disappointed for feeling weak for still being here. Part of being here is for not wanting to give up on us, on you, part is for being too afraid to stand up to you or to be alone. I guess that�s what co-dependency is, and that�s an issue within myself. I went straight from my mothers to here, and Ive never had to do it on my own especially with 3 little faces depending on me to do the right thing. And its allowed me to live and try to cope with all of this the best I can even if it means I get kicked around from time to time. Even without the physical aspect, yelling and blowups and just sounding hateful about things sometimes, still leads you to feel like your walking on eggshells. It wears you out more than youll ever understand. The times you�ve gotten mad at me and took my phone, keys, stripped me of all of my power to function as an adult, as a mother, your wife, being made to feel like such a small insignificant person, that was just another way to knock me down. No one should ever be made to feel like that. Its all so damaged and it eats and eats away at me. If either of the girls were to get in a relationship like this what would you say to them? Or if our son started treating some girl like this what would you say to him? You need to continue to strive to do better, no matter what becomes of us, because they need you to and you need to for yourself so you can truly be happy. Every single time I see all of this in you all I can think is somewhere deep in you, you just aren�t happy. My head goes in circles every day over it all. Even as much as you�ve hurt me, I still feel so guilty for having to do this and hurt you because I do love you completely and truly, you shouldn�t have been so careless with us. I feel like Ive done pretty good hanging on through this as long as I have. So maybe I am strong in some ways, but I don�t want to be strong in this way anymore, Im just so tired and worn out. Even if the hitting is through, if your just loud and angry, Ive grown away from that type of person and I don�t want that kind of person or energy around me anymore. Ive thought so many times, maybe what if he didn�t do it again, is it just my inability to forgive him for it that�s getting in the way?? But the more time goes by the more I realize I just cannot forgive you until I m away from you, until I don�t have to see you everyday reminding me of everything that�s happened. Im sorry if all of that sounds dramatic or something but it is my reality. Every part of me that�s been strong enough on the outside to still be here has been at the same time swallowing all this down keeping it inside just to stay this strong outwardly. But its taken its toll on me and I have absolutely nothing left. Everytime we�ve gotten this close to this, then I decide to back off, the first week or so Im relieved, the stress of it is gone, Im hopefull. But after this short period of time all of the same thoughts and feelings I had come right back, and I cant ignore them anymore. Im sorry, but yes, if the financial aspect of being alone wasn�t so scary and I had all the money in the world I would have left before. But not out of love, I still love you very much, but its just so damaged."

cosmicblu, I know you're new to this forum, and I want to give you a heads-up. They do things differently here from any other forum I've been a part of. Part of the "culture" is that you're expected to keep your story to a single thread. That way people can go back and read from the beginning to help keep the facts straight.

I know that sounds weird, but that's how it works here.

I, personally, have two threads going, but one of them is in the divorcing forum and the other one is in post-divorce. I started the first one shortly after I found the website and the second after my divorce was final.

The other thing to keep in mind, is that due to the small font/wide posting area, you need to break your post up into fairly small paragraphs or it's too hard to read. Could you condense this information, break it into smaller paragraphs, and then add it to your other thread? You'll get more responses that way.

I wanted to highlight new aspect to topic but I do understand. How should I go about this, just leave this one as is for now? or copy/past to old and delete this if possible? or merge somehow if possible? thanks for the help!

It looks like a moderator merged your threads. Wonderful!

cosmicblu, don't give him that message. It won't make things better and it might make things worse.

The next time he physically abuses you, call the cops.

One of my biggest regrets in life is the fact that I did not call the police when my WXH came home falling-down drunk and started acting scary. Instead I hid from him. You need to start documenting his abuse now, so that after the divorce you are not required to leave the children alone with him.

Ive already been documenting, and I did call the cops the last time, which was a year ago. it could be longer til he does it again, or he could not ever like he said. but either way Im not wasting any more time being here. Hes already heard all that ive had to say and so I really am comfortable with it all. Its just the transition and being alone im really afraid of at this point. with or without the letter, Im not spending anymore time here. The letter was just a way for me to initiate the conversation to tell him once and for all these things again and that Ive already said, this time Im not just letting them go away, they stay in motion for good.

Well i finally went through with it today. of course he admits what hes done but wont grasp the impact all of these things have had over the years has had on me. insisting that im ruining the kids lives and im just a spiteful cold hearted *****. that im giving up on him too easily. he doesnt understand why after hes done ok for 10 mths, why now. i tried again to explain how my head goes in circles everyday doubting my feelings, not wanting to act too hastily bc of the kids, and fear of how hard it will be financially on my own and that it takes months or years to fully hash this all out in your head. he still doesnt want to get it. all i can hope for now is that he doesnt get spiteful himself the coming days or weeks. im just so numb right now, hes really still blaming it all on me and saying im the one with the problem. i feel like a weight is lifted but i just feel so numb. no, he didnt get violent or anything like that. at least i can say that.

Wow, you have a real textbook abuser there. And remember that it will take years for you to get over his conditioning. Abusers know exactly how to kick and where. Because you are vulnerable, it is important that you have an intermediary so that you have no direct contact. Accept that he will never 'get it'.

CosmicBlue,
I agree with everyone here. What i want you to do is to look up Patricia Evans, and pick up some of her books. Gets copies for him. Contact Patricia. He is a textbook Verbal Abuser and Controller. First thing he has to do is admit that he is abusive. If he cant do that without blaming it on you he can not be fixed.
Meanwhile you do need to get to a shelter or a friends without him knowing where you are at. IF he admits that he is an abuser, there is hope, but it will be a long and hard journey for him. Meanwhile please focus on you and the children and keep them and yourself safe.

Blessings

Please contact a abuse support center. Also look up exit plans on the internet. You need an exit plan so that you have things setup ahead of time.

The fact that he has verbally turned this around to blame you is a bad sign. If the verbal abuse does not work to keep you he might very well escalate to the physical. If this happens call the police and ask them to take you and the children to a woman's shelter or to a friend/family member who has agreed to take you all in.

With an exit plan you should have money put aside somewhere, and bags packed for you and the kids.

If you call the police and they take him to jail, get an immediate restraining order against him so that he cannot come to the house and harass you and the kids. But there is a problem with retraining orders.. they do not prevent a violent person from breaking them.

I want you to think of some things here. Women who are murdered are usually murdered by their spouse or 'significant other'. And this usually happens on the woman's 3rd attempt to leave the abuser. You are in a lot of danger from your husband. He is a dangerous man. Somehow you have got to get this through your head. Staying there with him, after telling him you want to leave is a very dangerous thing to do.

Please call a local hotline for abused women and get some help.

Wait a minute, Gabby. Are you the same Gabby who has just posted about people "attacking" you for telling you get to get out of a desperate situation? Do you see the irony in this post - or do you see your post as somehow different?

{ CosmicBlue, please excuse me for a moment while I respond to a side track on your thread. Sorry for doing it.}

Did I tell her that she is a fool? That her husband is laughing at her? That he�s using her and she too stupid to get it? Nope I did not. None of that is true in her case. Nor is it true in my case.

CosmicBlue is a vulnerable person in a tough situation who needs good solid advice and support. Many here are giving her good advice. I wanted to point out to her the need for contacting a support organization ahead of time, having an exit plan and for being very careful.

Now please, let�s not use CosmicBlue�s very personal thread like this.

Why are you advising someone to do something that you won't?

I have not yet read this other post that is being talked about, and I thank everyone for their kind words and advice! But in some sort of defense, I have also had a good friend recently that was in a sort of similar situation as mine and would also advise her to do the same thing thats been so hard for me to do all of these years. Perhaps its just easier for Gabby to root for the courage for another person she wishes she has but possibly has not found yet? If im understanding that situation correctly I can certainly understand both side of it. So I will not judge the validity of a persons advice based on what they are afraid or not afraid to do in their own situation.

But also concerning mine, the holdiay weekend has actually brought some hope. He has finally admitted therapy would do some good. He cried and cried during our conversations this weekend as I reminded him of some of the things he has put me through, some smaller things that he didnt even remember. And he was saying how terrible he feels and he sounds like a monster and he almost wants to push me away from him hearing those things because I certainly dont deserve any of it. He recognizes the therapy will be helping him to get better while helping me recover from the impact these things have had on me, so yes he is finally not blaming me. but I also told him I no longer love him like I once did because of these things and I cant and do not forgive him right now and I have a lot of resentment. I told him I dont want to just throw away all the years of building this wonderful family that we have made so I will start going with him to see if I can learn how or am even ready to forgive and maybe after that can learn how to love him again. But I cant promise it will work, honestly in my gut i feel it is too late. but I will give it this one last try for our family since he is making progress. but even if it doesnt work for me and I leave him he still needs to continue with help to get better for himself and to be the best he can be for our children. He understood all of these things and agreed with them. So i guess time will tell. I have contacted hotlines and talked and talked lol. And I have a few things in place for myself as far as an exit plan. Thank you again for every ones kind words and advice