Ruikee, I hope we can help you guys get things going again. I listened to your show yesterday, and while I didn't catch everything, I did hear Dr. Harley express some confidence that your wife is likely to reconcile with you. I find it noteworthy that while your wife claims she filed for divorce, you haven't received anything. I would imagine that means she didn't really file for divorce; it makes no sense to me that a year could go by without you being served or something.

Thanks Markos, i have not read this one yet.

Oh, good. There are gems of information buried in Dr. Harley's articles. I recommend trying to read all of them (and I confess I haven't read them all, yet). Sometimes there's something useful even in an article that's completely unrelated.

Thanks Markos,
I replayed the show i was on and i am doing everything suggested with the exception of sharing a counselor. The last time i mentioned counseling, she said she wasnt interested. I will continue on this path, being kind and loving at each opportunity. Thanks again markos for your commitment to helping others.

Ok i have great news today. My wife has decided to start working on our marriage.
She agrees we both have changed so much in the past 13 months and we both really dont know where to start. We want to make sure we do this the correct way this time. From the beginning. We each have counselors currently. All wisdome is greatly accepted. Thank you for all your prayers and advice thus far.

That's great, Ruikee.

My advice is get Dr. Harley's workbook, and ASAP start following the policy of undivided attention. 20-30 hours a week alone together, no children (who are awake), spent at a time when you are alert (not after 11 PM), paying attention to each other, looking at each other, talking with each other, no television, no electronic devices or phones, etc. Make the time something you both enjoy recreationally, make sure it includes enjoyable conversation, make sure it includes affectionate behavior, make sure it includes sexual fulfillment that you both enjoy.

That is literally THE most important thing you can do for your marriage. Almost everything else is about eliminating obstacles to making that happen. For example, eliminating your past abusive behavior eliminated one of the biggest obstacles to making this happen. Your time together can't be enjoyable if that is an obstacle. That's just one of many examples.

After starting POUA, start going through Dr. Harley's books if you can, and try out the worksheets in the workbook.

My other big suggestion: place another call to Dr. Harley, TOGETHER. Write the letter together, get both of you on the show (if possible). One great reason to do this is it gives your wife a chance to express what she needs you to be working on for your marriage. Show her fast and lasting improvement in whatever she suggests, according to whatever Dr. Harley directs, and you will be on your way to making this last.

Finally, recognize that your wife retains the right to change her mind. Now that she is stepping into the arena, do not slam a door shut behind her. Based on the past, she is likely to want to retain an easy way to escape, and to not feel safe if she doesn't see it. She may even test you. She may even test you horribly! Somewhere here I've got a great link to a radio show where Dr. Harley says that for marriages recovering from an angry husband, wives usually feel irrationally compelled to test. You show her that no matter what she does, you stay calm, under control, with no attempt at control and abuse. Flex those new muscles you have developed in these skills. Make these habits ironclad.

I think this is the segment I was talking about:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=423

Markos, Which workbook are you suggesting. I dont know how we can spend that time together when we are seperated right now and we dont really have anyone to watch the boys right now.
I am going to the familylife weekend to remember this weekend. I gave her the info on it and she said it is too soon for that right now. I am still going. I said where do we go from here, and she said she really doesnt know. I dont want to push of course, but i really need a plan now....

Why would you go to this without your wife? Wouldn't it be better to spend the time with her? She wants to work on the M, right? Have you explained the importance of 20+ hours of UA time?

WTR is to learn about Gods blueprints for marriage. I booked this a while before W expressed her desire to work on the marriage since it would benefit me either way. She said it was too soon to go to this in her opinion together. I asked her where we should go from here, she still says she doesnt know the answer to that. I have not explained the importance of UA time. I want to talk to her but she seems to be backing down again and not answering my phonecalls nor returning them. I will try to talk to her and offer to spend time together instead. Only problem is we have no one to watch the children this week or weekend.
I really need to do this the right way and am kind of lost at the moment.

The workbook is titled Five Steps to Romantic Love. It is the only workbook Dr. Harley sells, I think.

As far as spending time together, start dating her. Ask her out. Being separated does not prevent that.

You will never be able to show her how you have changed until she is seeing the results of that in time spent together.

Just a cup of coffee may be great for starters. Can you get together in the middle of the day when the kids are in school?

No problem. Just start dating her!


Nor should you. Educating her is something a controlling husband would do. It's not your job, you're not that kind of man any more.


Okay, this is disappointing, but you have to be prepared for this to happen. She has to feel that the door is still open for her to go back out through, and she may test that multiple times.


Is she a stay at home mother to your children? If not, I would suggest trying to meet her while the children are in school and/or daycare. Get every hour with her that you can. Change jobs to be close to her if you have to, and start meeting her for lunch, breakfast, coffee...

And ask her out on a date. As soon as possible.

Have a followup call with Dr. Harley.

You know, Ruikee, this program really is comprehensive. It covers ending abusive behavior, restoring your marriage, bonding together, making decisions together, meeting emotional needs. Other weekend retreats and books and such may be helpful, but often times they are off base. I'm all for building marriage according to God's blueprint, but as far as I can see the nuts and bolts of how to care for my wife have been wrapped up in this program by Dr. Harley in a way very easy to understand (especially for men).

If you accomplish the task of filling your account in your wife's love bank, you will have accomplished the task of building a marriage that meets God's blueprint. The two of you then may want to go to a weekend retreat together. Or just grab a hotel room or take a cruise.

Borrow this one:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

I know the four rules in that article are mentioned as being for recovery from an affair, but Dr. Harley uses the exact same four rules in his book for engaged couples, I Promise You. And you won't go far wrong if you use them for your marriage, either.

Of course, you are no longer a controlling and abusive husband, so you'll need to invite your wife to join you in these kinds of things, not demand it. Leave the door open behind her for a quick retreat.

Wow, Markos, sometimes its better to have 4 eyes than two, the thought about asking her to lunch or something never crossed my mind. She is a school teacher, she doesnt work far, but i am a manager so my schedule is flexible. Thank you once again. I will give it a go tomorrow.

Let us know how it goes, Ruikee.

The goal is to get 15 hours per week. Lunches will give you probably a little less than 5, I'm guessing.

Don't overlook the opportunity to give Dr. Harley another call, either, okay?

Trying to do the right thing, i agree with Markos that explaining the importance of UA time would be perceived as controlling behaviour.

However, that does not mean you can't tell her you'd like to spend that much time with her.

"I'd like to start spending time with you, caring for you and meeting your emotional needs. I believe we need a lot of time together to build and sustain our relationship. And I want to show you what kind of man I am now, and win your affections back."

I don't think she'd mind hearing that, at all, as long as it doesn't smell like trying to control or trap her.

Has your wife been exposed to Marriage Builders at all?

Thanks again Markos,
You are right, but that is a start.

I did call her this morning on the way to work, she did not answer. So i left her a voicemail asking her to lunch today and to have a great day.

I have not received a response. I feel she is again back to talking only about our son.

When we had these talks and time together her parents were out of town. They are now back. I really think she is afraid of what her parent will say, especially her mother, whom is very controlling.

Can we actually call Dr. Harley straight? I didnt save the number when i was on the show.

So i really dont know whats going on but it seems like when her parents are gone, things are fine. They are leaving again this weekend so that would be a good indication of what may be going on if she acts differently.