I can not even believe that I am in this position today, I don't even know what position this is. Recovery, discovery, or time for me to get on with my life.. quick background on relationship..<BR>married 15 years <BR>H has first OW (OW1)emotional and sexual<BR>he confessed this 3 months into it and then continued contact for 6 more months.<BR>married 17 years <BR>H has second OW (OW2)emotional and sexual 18yr old. i discovered it at 2 months into it. she left town, communication continued between them for 9 more months.<BR>Now it is 6 months (into recovery?) since contacted ended with OW2.<BR>H comes to my office last night to tell me that OW1 called him and wants us to get together with her and her current live it lover, because he found out about her relationship with my H. H tells me that he has been talking to OW1 for the last 3 years that he never quit totally..He still has been using his (other e mail address, that he said he no longer had access to) to contact her, but now he is being honest all he wants is to be honest with me.......why would i think that he is being honest now??? Why would he tell me now, maybe OW2 was threatening to tell me about there continued involvement, so that i could somehow convince her lover that they are only friends. Oh I am so sick of that poor pathetic witch, and my H expecting me to try helping her...NO way NO how, enough is enough. I called her home and told her lover that I think she is a slut and the best thing he could do is to get as far away from her as possible................................... SOOOO.....what in the world am i suppose to think or do now??????? H lies, lies, lies. is he capable of being honest.....I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!<p>[This message has been edited by lizam (edited October 31, 1999).]

HI, this is mommy Only kidding <P> I can't figure WHAT the @@@@@@@ he's up to either but if I were you I'd be dying to know!!<BR> I'm not sure "face to face" is a good idea, could get REALLY ugly!!<BR> Maybe a conference call to start? I would HAVE to know though, but that's me. Could it be WORSE than "WE" could conjure up in our minds???? Good luck & prayers Frank<P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

I'm being sarcastic. I just can't believe his nerve right now:<P>Maybe a meeting with lovers and spouses of OW#1, #2, and you, and maybe his mother....<P>UGGGHHHH thread.<P>My advice is to look for the truth in this situation, not the lies. There are probably lies, but every good lie has a lot of truth built into it. If you keep asking questions, about the part that you believe to be true, what he doesn't mention is probably the lie part.<P>just a suggestion.<P>I'm sorry lizam. <P>We are sort of neighbors.... email me sometime. mncon99@yahoo.com<P>TNT

Lizam--<P>I'm confused...don't understand why he wants a get-together with them? My first reaction is--does he want a couples scene or something eventually? I make no judgement on AGREED sexual activities and may be way off track--what do you think? I sure do hope I am because that's pretty shady if so...to hide the continued contact for that long and THEN have more ulterior motives that he STILL isn't mentioning. Set me straight on that weird thought.<P>I'm just not understanding otherwise why the current live-in would care one iota about a "past" relationship, enough to want to meet the man and his wife? Doesn't compute. Wonder what OW has told him about your H? Whatever the angle...be it H's way of "helping" this woman or more, it sure sounds as if you're right...the lying continues in many ways.<P>Thinking of you and hoping you resolve things toward happiness.

our HappyLittleFamily are off to church now, I will reply later, thanks for being here for me. Any one else have any perspective on my wierd situation.......OW2's lover discovered she is Emailing my H.

Im just sitting here shaking my head....<P>HUH? I guess I don't understand a betrayers mind at all.... That must be why I have been having so much trouble myself...<P>Prayer is the ONLY answer..<P>God bless your mind, emotions, body and spirit today and renew you...<P>cozy

Sending one frying pan to whack him in the head.<BR>Maybe lucks is right....that maybe be an underlying motive. <BR>Maybe the current live in requested this to ascertain that the relationship between your h and her is truly over? Maybe he just is a glutton for punishment? Maybe she just wnats to prove in front of new live in that the two can have a civilized friendship void of sex? <BR>Whatever is underneath, I think it is a bad idea too. Follow you gut. Sometimes in recovery we get too caught up in doing the right healthy thing and we forget to listen to our intuition. The gut feelings get put aside and we do not listen and respect our own judgement anymore. Maybe that judgement is not always right, but it sure is not always wrong! <BR>If he wants to be honest and truthful now, follow that lead, but not to the point where you are uncomfortable.

My by-now-famous word really applies here<P>BLECH!!!!<P>I don't EVEN know WHAT to say about this, except that MAYBE (?) he is AT LEAST trying to be honest, and MAYBE it's a beginning?<P>Geez... oh, and the 18 yr. old? DOUBLE BLECH!!!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited October 31, 1999).]

Thank you to everyone for your understanding, or at least for validating my lack of understanding.....I think my H's motive for disclosing the fact that he is still in contact with OW2, has to do with wanting OW2,to see him as being Mr wonderful, understanding, godly, caring man...it definitly has nothing to do with trying to get into a couples sex thing.....he likes the fact that his wife is pure as the driven snow....he could be wanting a threesome of course, I would not put that past him... whatever the reason he told me this little nugget of truth was not for my benefit....<BR> I have been through the last 3 years with him rightously telling me that he is being honest, and playing it up real big.....and then 6 months to a year later slipping up and some truth comes out and we are then right back to "oh man, i will never lie to you again, you are the best wife please forgive me crap!!! how long do I have to try believe what he is saying before I can have any reason to believe that now we are dealing in reality, 1 year, 2 years,3 years, WHA WHA WHA, its not fair!!!<BR>

more input please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lizam,<P>My 2 cents...<P>Your H seems to be in addiction mode to me...and no amount of chastising or confronting him or any of the OW will change what motivates him to do what he is doing or stop him telling lies...he cannot change what he is unaware about...the negative motivating factors here are buried deep within him and until he confronts those to lessen their power over him he will always be running away from the pain and fear that drives his behaviour and cause him to lie...only frightened people lie....<P>Its like attacking the food that makes one overweight instead of attacking the emptiness inside, feelings of low worth/esteem/abandonment/unlovable, that cause the over eating...<BR>These feelings of lack drive us all and we just use different things to try fulfil ourselves to feel better....his just happens to be affairs and sex...<P>This emptiness inside is the result of hurt and pain long ago installed and remembered and only until faced and confronted (released) will their power to motivate action be diminished and cleared.....<P>Counselling and therapy help in these cases...of course he will be difficult to convince he needs counselling unless the pain of loss is large enough to make him want to find out how to stop hurting....<P>In some cases it takes separation and being shut out (no contact) and shut away from the one they love deeply (usually the spouse) will the realisation of true loss become reality to the fearful psyche...and the pain become acute enough to motivate him to seek help....<P>I am sorry you have to be here to hear this...but thankful at the same time as there are so many caring souls here to offer consolation guidance insight and a listening ear, that help you to vent your anger, frustration and hurt too...<P>Take care and be kind to yourself...<P>many blessings<P>cossie<P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P>

lizam--<P>Well, he said it himself, quoting from your post: "whatever the reason he told me this little nugget of truth was not for my benefit...."<P>Not for your benefit; therefore, not for the benefit of H's and your relationship either. You can respectfully decline. I hope you don't end up doing a guilt trip for not helping H out with this weird request. You have NO positive reason to help in this instance (unless curiously, you just want to play such a meeting out to see what happens).<P><handing you cl's frying pan><P>

Hi lizam,<P>Cossie is right, your H is in his addiction. Plain and simple.<P>I can only suggest the following:<P>Check out:<BR>"Breaking free of the co-dependency trap" and "Counter-dependency: Flight from intimacy" by Barry and Janae Weinhold at <A HREF="http://www.weinholds.org/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.weinholds.org/</A> <P>Hugz,<BR>Thoughtful (Deb)<BR>

Thank you for helping me to think. it really just sucks to be so brain dead... I have been in counseling by myself for the last few months, focusing on codependency issues of communication....H has agreed under duress to start counceling on his own also, first appointment is next week... I suspect that he will go once or twice and then try to wiggle out of it.... I belive you are right that until H can face his own problems that there will be much (any) hope for us... Well I am now on my way to bible study, it is a study on having God confidence instead of Self confidence.... Please pray that this bitterness will pass quickly, but at least when i feel bitterness i am feeling something... this has made me so dead inside.