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Please delete. The judgements about the A and our ability to heal are NOT helping US to achieve what WE WANT. WE WANT to reconcile and heal DESPITE NOT HAVING KIDS OR ANYTHING ELSE TO TIE US TOGETHER. It is OUR LOVE for one another that is the reason for wanting to reconcile.
Again, mods, please delete. The judgements are impairing us from doing what WE WANT. Thanks.
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Regret,
The Vets will be here soon.
But what I can say is you have crushed the trust she had in you. Not once, but twice. The second time was after you "wanted" to work things out..... If I were her, and I have been. It would take a long time and a lot of contrition on your part to allow you back in.
We will need some details...
Ages, length of marriage, kids, length of A, there may be more...
Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
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Thanks for the reply Texas,
I am 31 my wife and the OW are both 29. We have been married 7.5 years and have no kids*****edit*****
The OW does not live that close to us (45 mins) and is not a coworker.
The first part of the affair lasted about 2 months before my wife found out, then it was over about a month after that, so 3 months in total.
Last edited by JustUss; 11/17/11 03:04 PM. Reason: TMI
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Regretful, who is the other woman?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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married for 7.5 yrs
No Kids
Cheated on spouse
Hmmmmm
Why invest in this damaged marriage?
Wouldn't she be better off with a clean start?
Why should she take a risk when you'll surely be stressed again in the future and may likely cheat again??
Are you just wanting to win her back because now you feel challenged, like it's a game to win? And what if you win, will you get bored again?
Dunno about you!
I'd reccomend that you order the book, Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley Jr. Read it and see if your wife will read it....
In the mean time, read everthing you can on this site and see if some others come by with some good advice for you to follow.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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My BW doesn't post here as far as I know but she and I recently discovered MB and both agree Dr Harley has some amazingly deep yet simple insights. She is a regular to the site. We also ordered HNHN and are reading it together and discussing it on the phone. The other woman is a friend of my friends wife. My friend and his wife came in from out of town and invited a bunch of friends to dinner - that is how I met the OW. My wife was supposed to be there for dinner, I wish she had been  Before that I never knew thie OW.
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Before that I never knew thie OW. How are you able to be in contact with her? This is your friend's wife? Have you told your friend what you did with his wife?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I don't appreciate the disrespectful judgements, but I do appreciate the book recommendation. Did YOU decide to reconcile with the woman you cheated on, because it was a challenge? A bit hypocritical don't you think? You don't know me or my wife. We had great love and admiration for each other. Sexual needs went unfulfilled and although I approached her many, many times I just went about it the wrong way (as I am learning from HNHN). When needs go unfulfilled and you feel you have tried everything you are faced wih a very ugly choice, though neither option is great, I definitely made the wrong choice.
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A friend of my friends wife; not his wife.
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Regretful,
***edit**** You cheated on her. The damage done in this marriage is HUGE.
That's not a disrespectful judgement. That's established fact.
I would advise her, young, with no children, to run in the other direction and be grateful she didn't have any children caught up in this. ***edit****....
I don't know.
She has a right to walk away. The only way to win her back on your end is to establish NC formally with a no contact letter. Then beg for forgiveness. Then establish a permanent change in your behavior where you take extrordinary precautions against ever cheating again, such as eliminating all opposite sex friendships, and adopting an attitude that infidelity is a trap easily fallen into.
The damage done to you **edit***can't be underestimated or dismissed. That was a crushing thing and I don't see how you can easily overcome that.
Is it possible she's cheated on you? ***edit****
Last edited by JustUss; 11/17/11 03:09 PM. Reason: TMI
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I don't appreciate the disrespectful judgements, but I do appreciate the book recommendation. Did YOU decide to reconcile with the woman you cheated on, because it was a challenge? A bit hypocritical don't you think? You don't know me or my wife. We had great love and admiration for each other. Sexual needs went unfulfilled and although I approached her many, many times I just went about it the wrong way (as I am learning from HNHN). When needs go unfulfilled and you feel you have tried everything you are faced wih a very ugly choice, though neither option is great, I definitely made the wrong choice. Go back and read my post... I asked you questions my friend, they were not judgements... Let's try to stay focused on your situation, not mine, OK! So go back and honestly give them some thought without being defensive. Can you do that? I will tell you this; I asked my wife if she would consider reconciling.... She agreed, but only after I demonstrated I was worth the risk.... She gave me a long list! And she only agreed because we had five children together. If we would have had no children, there would have been NO reconciliation.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Help,
I was smoking marijuana recreationally and for stomach discomfort/nausea due to very serious illness that caused me to lose a lot of weight and much of my appetite (not to mention 3 major surgeries). ****edit****
I doubt she had an affair, I don't remember her being "unaccounted for" during the time.
****edit**** She is a good woman.
I am chasing her not for 'the challenge' but because she is a wonderful wife/friend/family member and we have been through a lot together in just 7.5 years of marriage and we both share common goals for the future. Aside from the A and the reasons leading up to it, we really had a very special relationship.
Last edited by JustUss; 11/17/11 03:13 PM. Reason: tmi
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A few things that I have done and am willing to do:
I am going to write an email alongside my wife tomorrow to the OW to nail that coffin shut, basically to kill the relationship once and for all. I offered to install spyware on my iPhone (my idea) to track my location, emails txts calls etc. but the newest iOS5 doesn't seem to work with the spy program. Any other similar device would be welcome. I offered to take a lie detector test. I told 3 close relatives in my family as well as 3 close friends about the A. And finally, I told her we can move across the country to start anew.
I also agreed not to interact with the opposite sex except when needed for work. I promised I will always answer phone calls and txts (I didn't when I was with the OW)
If there is more that might make her realize how serious I am about being loyal and accountable I would be happy to do it.
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Help,
I was smoking marijuana recreationally and for stomach discomfort/nausea due to very serious illness that caused me to lose a lot of weight and much of my appetite (not to mention 3 major surgeries). ***edit***
I doubt she had an affair, I don't remember her being "unaccounted for" during the time.
***edit**** She is a good woman.
I am chasing her not for 'the challenge' but because she is a wonderful wife/friend/family member and we have been through a lot together in just 7.5 years of marriage and we both share common goals for the future. Aside from the A and the reasons leading up to it, we really had a very special relationship. ***edit*** Hang in there.
Last edited by JustUss; 11/17/11 03:15 PM. Reason: tmi
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Aside from the A and the reasons leading up to it, we really had a very special relationship. Can you list out the reasons leading up to the A?
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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****edit****
Sounds to me like the two of you have massive maturity issues. The steps you�re taking are good and may lead to forgiveness, but none of this eliminates the elephant in the room: ****edit****
****edit****
I�ll back out of this one. I don�t think this is forgivable in my opinion. Good luck.
Last edited by JustUss; 11/17/11 03:17 PM. Reason: tmi
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Help,
I was smoking marijuana recreationally and for stomach discomfort/nausea due to very serious illness that caused me to lose a lot of weight and much of my appetite (not to mention 3 major surgeries). ***edit***
I doubt she had an affair, I don't remember her being "unaccounted for" during the time.
***edit*** She is a good woman.
I am chasing her not for 'the challenge' but because she is a wonderful wife/friend/family member and we have been through a lot together in just 7.5 years of marriage and we both share common goals for the future. Aside from the A and the reasons leading up to it, we really had a very special relationship. Regretful, I am going to give this a shot here, despite my own personal feelings on this. 1) I don't buy her reasons **edit**. I am betting there was an A there. Aside from you A, I see independent behavior, disrespectful judgments and possibly lying/hiding things from you. 2) One thing you can do for her is write out your affair. Put it on paper so she can look at it. Make a calendar of the time period, fill in significant dates you remember, begin to flesh it out on paper in story form... No opinions, just the facts. Give it to her to digest it. Tell her once she has read through, there will be the opportunity for her to ask questions and fill in the blanks. CV
Last edited by JustUss; 11/17/11 03:19 PM. Reason: tmi
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The reasons for the A include the abortion (of course), and a serious lack of interest throughout the years in regards to our sex life. On average, aside from maybe the first few months of being married we had sex about 1-2 times per month with many of these encounters being me doing 100% of the work with her just laying on her back. I would give her oral whenever she asked but never had reciprocation. I know for some people 1-2/month is a lot or enough but for me it was not, and the quality/interest made it a lot less fulfilling.
Aside from the frequency (or lack thereof) there was an element of interest/passion that was missing. It was a job for her, and because she worked a full time job she never had the energy for sex. Poor excuse IMO but I went along with it for years and listened to her calling me a pervert or a sex maniac. Those things were hurtful to hear. Even when she was unemployed things were the same, so that excuse is not valid in my book. Again, I want to reiterate that I could have been doing a better job on my part to set the mood for her and make it more of an experience for her. Wish I discovered MB years ago.
The abortion was particularly painful because she got pregnant within 2 months of my full recovery from a life threatening condition (I had peritonitis/sepsis and without emergency surgery I would have certainly died - she never left my bedside and gave 200% to me when I needed her most). I felt like the child was a gift from God considering what we just went through together. I was never happier, honestly. Being married for 6.5 years at the time I was ready for a family with her. The abortion felt like a very serious betrayal - like she didn't see me as the man who would father her children.
She is Chinese so I think there is an element of cultural acceptance. Sadly too many children are aborted for the wrong reasons where she grew up. Thankfully her parents did not follow suit with this terrible custom because she was female - I would have never met her.
Aside from different points of views we really get along well and enjoy spending time together. There are plenty of things we could work on as a couple but the major dividing issues have been sex, marijuana, the abortion and drinking alcohol (which I never do unless I am not smoking).
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The reasons for the A include the abortion (of course), and a serious lack of interest throughout the years in regards to our sex life. On average, aside from maybe the first few months of being married we had sex about 1-2 times per month with many of these encounters being me doing 100% of the work with her just laying on her back. I would give her oral whenever she asked but never had reciprocation. I know for some people 1-2/month is a lot or enough but for me it was not, and the quality/interest made it a lot less fulfilling.
There's a lot of things to work on here. First, the reason for the Affair was not the abortion. It was because you let your guard down and relaxed your boundaries around women. Those may have been factors for unhappiness, but your boundaries are the reason for the affair.
Aside from the frequency (or lack thereof) there was an element of interest/passion that was missing. It was a job for her, and because she worked a full time job she never had the energy for sex. Poor excuse IMO but I went along with it for years and listened to her calling me a pervert or a sex maniac. Those things were hurtful to hear. Even when she was unemployed things were the same, so that excuse is not valid in my book. Again, I want to reiterate that I could have been doing a better job on my part to set the mood for her and make it more of an experience for her. Wish I discovered MB years ago.
You can do a better job now. You guys need to learn to communicate in a healthy way. No disrespectful judgments or angry outbursts. Those kill units in the love bank.
The abortion was particularly painful because she got pregnant within 2 months of my full recovery from a life threatening condition (I had peritonitis and without emergency surgery I would have certainly died - she never left my bedside and gave 200% to me when I needed her most). I felt like the child was a gift from God considering what we just went through together. I was never happier, honestly. Being married for 6.5 years at the time I was ready for a family with her. The abortion felt like a very serious betrayal - like she didn't see me as the man who would father her children.
Did you find out about the abortion after she had it, or before? BTW, congrats on the recovery. The reason i ask is because you two do not seem to be communicating in any real way.
She is Chinese so I think there is an element of cultural acceptance. Sadly too many children are aborted for the wrong reasons where she grew up. Thankfully her parents did not follow suit with this terrible custom because she was female - I would have never met her.
Culture can be overcome. It's not an excuse.
Aside from different points of views we really get along well and enjoy spending time together. There are plenty of things we could work on as a couple but the major dividing issues have been sex, marijuana, the abortion and drinking alcohol (which I never do unless I am not smoking).
You really need to quit smoking weed. It impairs your judgment. It also seems to be affecting your sex life.
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