You know I'm really thinking today how much of a fool and what a blind person I've been.<P>I know I have serious problems in my marriage but WHY didn't I deal with them 3 years, why did I leave myself open to having an affair, maybe it was my immaturity, maybe low self confidence, lack of attention at home and I know all that love busting between us left me very vunerable but at least I had a faithful marriage now I feel my marriage is tainted forever.<P>I let another man touch me and enter my heart and I feel so dirty at times, so terrible inside. I know I feel that I loved him more than my husband and believe me I've justified it to death in my mind but sometimes I think what if after the clouds lift I realize I never loved him and he was just a huge fantasy, a way of dealing with the problems in my marriage, then I feel worse. <P>I say God, how could I of thrown my morales and vows out the window. I know I have to forgive myself but it's hard. I turned my back for that instant gratification, totally closing my eyes to the consequences of my actions. I just didn't want to hear it.<P>I see my husband trying, and I think if I wasn't feeling this way for the OM still, maybe I'd be happy and I hate myself more. Last night I had a sexual dream of me and the OM, God I woke up this morning and was so pissed at myself. I wish he'd just get out of my head!!!<P>My husband does me love and if I would of tryed counseling 3 years ago, dealt with these problems I never would of had an affair. <P>Sometimes I just can't admit to myself, maybe that's why I hold onto the "once-in-a-lifetime, we were meant to find eachother, soul mate", stuff with my OM. In a way, it's easier to have me believe that then to think it was ALL a HUGE mistake. My mind still justifies it at times, I think "no, if would of chosen me, it would of been right to be with him". Afterall, he's my perfect man.<P>I guess that knight in shining armor is beginning to fade alittle and it really hurts.<P>While I still don't feel that in-love feeling with my husband, I know it's right to try with him, I'm realizing now if I would of left to be with the OM eventually I couldn't live with the guilt of not trying and I would of only satisfied that immediate, urgent feeling of passion I had with the OM.<P>We all know that passion fades and those HIGH expectations I had for me and OM would of faded too. <P>I know my husband will never fill "certain" expectations but he is doing things that I never thought he would. Maybe those in-love feelings with come back. <P>I have hope today and I know each day is such a struggle but I feel strong today, so I just wanted to share.<P>Thanks.<P><BR>

OH, Hum. I hurt for you when I was reading this post - until I got to the last line. Oh, how wonderful that made me feel.<P>You ARE strong. There is much hope. You are fighting a long hard battle but you have what it takes to win!<P>I was SOOO happy to hear those words from you. I never post to you much - feel like I'm unable to help. But, please know that you have all my admiration and support for all that you're doing now. <P>Hang in there. You're gonna be just fine.<P>Lori

birdie...i can relate very much to your post and would like to take a minute to respond to some things...i too am a betrayer although i am m, and know the pain you are in...first you cannot take back your past actions...believe me if i could give a piece of my body to undo the damage i have done, i would...what's done is done and to concentrate your energies on the past is futile you cannot change it...you must try to look forward...for me our relationship had problems for its duration of almost 10 years that were never addressed and to say could have should have would have is also unproductive, i didn't and neither did you...also our spouses didn't either...which is also no and i repeat no justification for what we did the affair...what you can do and it seems you both are willing to some degree to do is understand why you did what you did, identify the problems, what needs weren't being met on both sides, and set out a plan to meet them and build a healthier solid marriage...your h sounds very willing and able, loving and willing to try...you might be surprised that over time he will learn to be the person that you truly want...by meeting your emotional needs he will be able to fill those certain things you seek...don't lament on what you could have done...for me i didn't know how these skills were never learned behavior and through a lot of counseling and this site i am learning the necessary skills to be involved in a successful relationship...be thankful you have a loving husband that is willing to try...my w is undecided and has filed for divorce...i would kill to have her tell me she is willing to try...i realize the mistakes i have made and am learning about why and myself in the process...focus your attention on rebuilding...learning...repairing...<BR>trust and feeling in love will return over time...resist the temptation of om...you need to firmly commit to no contact with him...he is an addiction for you not based in reality but in fantasy...you will over time come to realize that everything you need is probably standing right next to you in your h...think forward think positive and discuss all of your feelings and fears with h it sounds like he wants to hear them...that's all for now...keep posting and reading you know it is support and helps...good luck...much peace and love...trying hard<BR>

Hummingbird,<BR>You are probibly at the bookstore right now, and I hope your day is going well.<P>Those are some deep thoughts. I think you are realizing you did not only betray your H, but maybe more importantly you betrayed yourself.<P>OF COURSE IT WAS A HUGE MISTAKE!!!!!<P>To really put it behind you and move forward, I think you have to be really contrite. Then you need to accept forgiveness from yourself and if it is important to you, from the Lord. Then you go on in the hope you have. No one will benefit from your despair. But of course you have to give yourself time to grieve the years you have lost. Sometimes we just gotta learn the hard way, but the important thing is that we do learn and do use our trials and our mistakes to influence the future positively.<P>Hey, you might add a forgiveness book to your reading list. Forgiveness is not just a proclaimation, but a journey to healing. Understand the complexities may make things a little easier on you. No one wants you to beat yourself up. See your mistakes for what they are, then seperate them from the value of you, and start moving on.<P>You have lots of support!<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hey Hum,<P>Been there, living that!<P>re: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>WHY didn't I deal with them 3 years ago<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> This is my BIGGEST area of questioning... why didn't I deal with them before the affair happened... am I so blind and stupid??? <P>I don't know what else to say right now except that we need to learn to forgive ourselves our frailties and move forward... easier said than done, huh??<P>Talk later, Hum...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Hey, Hum!<P>This "feeling like a fool" thing is normal... all part of the recovery process. Just slap yo'self upside the head and shout "I WAS SUCH A FOOL!" Very exhilarating!<P>(The process goes something like this: Act like a fool... deny you're acting like a fool... suspect you're acting like a fool... deny harder you acted like a fool... KNOW you acted like a fool... feel like a fool for having acted like a fool [*insert Hum here* ]... REALLY feel like a fool... feel mad for acting like a fool... feel madder for acting like a fool... feel sad for acting like a fool... feel sadder for acting like a fool... try to act less like a fool... act less like a fool... feel less like a fool... accept that you acted like a fool... start to figure out why you acted like a fool... accept that you acted like a fool but that's ok, you're only human... feel even less like a fool... start to realize you're not gonna feel like a fool forever [this is good]... realize you can make sure you never act like the *same kind* of fool again... now you know you're not such a fool any more, in fact you're a lot smarter now than you were before...)<P>SEE? IT'S EASY! <P>(Hope my little attempt at levity didn't upset you. My tongue is firmly inserted in my cheek...)<BR><P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

It sounds so good to hear people who had affairs expressing remorse and wanting to work on their marriages and express some type of feelings for their spouse.<P>My w has exhibited none of this and makes me wonder, am I setting my self up for another fall.

Hummmmmingbird,<P>Your post put a smile in my heart today. <P>I have had a hard few days... <BR>listening to my daughter say "daddy was sleeping... and missed my parade at school(Friday)" when her mom called tonight. ... when I was so ill with the flu that my body aches and migraine could not let me safely drive to her school... but would have anyway. My wife has cut off all communications with me 10/22... will not speak/listen/mail/email with me... so she gets this <I>wonderful</I> view of what happens. I don't blame my daughter... love her too much.<P>Then my older son, after going joy riding for 2 full days and having been given money for food and gas...(his first weekend after getting driving license)... comes homes today to chew me out about how messy the kitchen is... (not thanks for the car/insurance/$...) Saying "I guess I'll have to be the cleaning lady"... he left when I was still ill on Friday (he... forgetting to wake me up for daughter's parade.) But... I love him too!<P><B>Your post</B> made me smile the most...<BR>There is still hope for my W...<P>Thanks. <P>Jim

Hummy,<P>Oh, those beautiful words of contrition - some of us would swoon if we heard them from our betrayers....<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>While I still don't feel that in-love feeling with my husband<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>and<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I know my husband will never fill "certain" expectations but he is doing things that I never thought he would. Maybe those in-love feelings with come back.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Try to appreciate the difference in character between your husband and OM. You husband is forgiving your indiscretion and trying to repair your marriage. OM had an affair with a married woman. <P>You loved him enough to marry him once - give him the benefit of the doubt. Act as if you love him again. Not to be phony - but based on your history of loving him and your desire to love him again. Make a leap of faith for his sake and yours. It just might grow back into the real thing!<P>(God, please forward this thought to my W)<P>Good luck and God bless you.

Wow, that sounds exactly like me. I am glad to hear you express so perfectly. Whenever I look at my H I feel awful, that feeling is the worst ever!! I hope one day I can look myself in the mirror and just see a person that made a mistake, but I am a long way off. We too had problems, but I have learned for the next time and that is what is important. I also think that in some ways (very small ways) this was a good thing. If this had never happened we would not have gotten the counseling we so despratly needed. Would you? So although this was a terrible thing there was some good. We are now on track to having the marriage we want and need. Don't compare your H to your OM it will drive you crazy it does me. Try to find the good and don't beat yourself up. I know how hard it is and I will always feel bad for it, but look to the future.

Hummingbird,<P>You did make an awful choice. You cannot get around it and you might as well admit it. You really really screwed up. However, life is full of choices and you have and will have more opportunities to make good choices. I tell people this all of the time and I live by it. "I know I will be wrong, I know I will make mistakes and I accept that, but I won't accept is staying wrong or mistaken". I would like to suggest that you consider this. It really is my creed to living, especially in my line of work where we are guessing much to the time. <P>I posted to Susan about her OM having "no regrets" and you stated that your OM said the same thing. I asked her and you, "What kind of a human being would have no regrets about destroying two marriages?" Please think about this. If you do not give your H a chance you will be in a position to do the same. You have plenty of regrets, as you should, but don't stay wrong.<P>FHL has been telling you to get back to your morals and beliefs. Do this and quit worring about being a fool. You made choices, you now know they were not right, yes you were foolish, but you don't have to stay in that position. No one does.<P>Hang in there HumB. You will do fine but life is tough and you now know that. Go for the right things.<P>God Bless You and Your H.<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited November 01, 1999).]