I've made a possibly big recovery mistake and I need some advice. I'm at work and don't have much time so here is the super short version. My WW broke off contact with OM one week ago today. Last night we were looking for a hotel as we are taking our daughter (2) to a Sesame St show out of town. We were trying to find a room with a separate bedroom to put the crib in. I made the mistake of asking how she found a room like this before ( she met the OM twice in a hotel room with our daughter when I thought she was visiting a friend and said daughter was not in the bedroom). This brought up terrible feelings for me as right now she refuses to meet my SF need. To make matters worse I had the last meeting with a marriage councilor on Monday ( WW doesn't like her so we just switched to MarriageBuilders coaching but the appt was already set so I went alone ). The councilor told me she didn't think I'd ever be sexually fulfilled because my WW just doesn't feel it for me and this is evident because my wife can be with the OM no problem but hasn't shown interest in me for years. � So with that weighing on me I asked my WW if she'd be willing to be intimate on the trip next weekend. She said she didn't think so, saw the look on my face, asked what was wrong and I told her what the councilor said. My WW stared crying and said we are like a jigsaw puzzle where we have all the pieces except the SF piece and she didn't think it would come back. She asked if this meant we were over because my #2 need is SF. I said maybe it is but I want to at least try. So now to the big bomb I dropped. ( sorry, I thought this would be short!)

She makes a big deal about how her OM cares for her so much and after they started he closed his ashlymadison account (where they met, he is married too). So I made a dummy female account on that site, looked him up, and showed her that he is still a paid member and had logged on in the last 24 hrs. Now she is super depressed, angry, and wants to contact him or see him to tell him off. Or as she says, "stand up for herself". She kept going on about how easily she fell for his lies, how he took advantage of her trust just to get his needs met, etc. The whole time I just kept saying "I understand" while thinking,"He did to you what you did to me." But I didn't say that. At this point it was 2am so we went to bed. I took her cell phone, disconnected the home phone, and shut off Internet access to prevent her from contacting him last night. I'm terrified that I created an environment where she wants to talk to him. Even if my WW really does just tell him off I fear that it will give him a chance to try and smooth things over. Maybe even try to convince her to see him or come back to him. So how much damage did I do? What should I do now? �I'm working today and she is working tonight so we won't really see each other much if at all. �

You need to ask your wife to promise to do nothing--specifically not contact the OM--till you begin counseling thru MB. She is acting foggy and needs a third party to set her straight.
Wait till you begin MB counseling to deal with SF. You need help. In the meantime you should both read everything on the MB website about it, there is a lot of detailed info.
It IS possible for her to restore her SF with you, and absolutely necessary for both of you. I speak from experience. It was ok when you first married, wasn't it?

Yes it was. Dating and first two years of marriage were wonderful. We have an appointment in a few days. I hope I can hold it together until then.

Your first counselor gave you terrible advice, good thing you've found MB. Your wife has to rid herself of the OM by following Dr. Harley's rules to survive an affair. She needs to restore her love for you before she's ready for SF with you. You need to identify each other's EN's and work on meeting them. Start by reading Dr. Harley's Surviving an Affair. Also there's so much help right on the MB website.

Welcome to MB, techguy.

You have made serious mistakes in how you have dealt with recovery. One is to go to a counsellor that does not seem to know how to coach a couple through the steps needed for recovery after an affair, and the other is to give your wife a hit of OM by showing her his ashleymadison account. Now her process through withdrawal has been set back.

The counsellor has not achieved your wife's commitment to NC or to putting the affair behind her, and she seems to be indulging herself and humiliating you by talking about how much OM cared about her. If your wife understood the nature of withdrawal (at least in theory), and the importance of moving forward with you and not looking back at her affair, she would not need physical prevention from contacting him now.

What coaching are you doing with MB - online or phone coaching? If phone coaching, when is your appointment?

Phone. Appointment is Sunday.

Should I apologize for resetting the clock? Keep my big mouth shut? I told her that tonight when she gets home I would like to just hold her and not talk. I'll hold her all night if she wants.

Don't bring it up. You'll just be reminding her of OM again.

Not sure if by SOB you mean son of a... but I'll go with that. Still learning these acronyms. He is married. He lives in a town about an hour or so away. I don't know who the OMW is or how to contact her so I can't expose it. The OM was very careful to always meet my WW in my town. I bet my WW doesn't even know his address!

If I tried I could track him down. I have enough bits of info to do it but I don't know if its worth the effort.

Letting the OMW know what her dog of a husband is up to will accomplish a couple of critical things:

- Another set of eyes will be on OM.
- OM will likely throw your WW under the bus to save his marriage. You'd be surprised at how quickly exposure to a spouse kills the affair.
- She needs to know that he has an online hookup account. She'll need to be tested for diseases, and she'll need to decide if she wants to remain with a cheating husband. She does not have knowledge that her marriage is in such grave danger. You need to help her by giving her the information.

OMW is your most important exposure target. Do not delay in tracking her down. You've got plenty of info to get you started. You know OM's name, yes? And the city where he lives? Check out www.intelius.com or www.pipl.com or the county auditor's records for property ownership.

Or just plain old google his name. The info is there. You just need to apply yourself to finding it. I suspect you'll track her down quickly.

Hire a PI and you will find out a lot about OM.

Thanks so much everyone. It's so helpful to have a support group that understands what this experience is like and can offer tips that aren't based on pop-psychology guesswork. I am strongly considering tracking down the OMW. The good news is my wife and I are back to talking civilly and attempting to work together. One day at a time I guess.

I do need to note that this message thread is focused on an immediate concern I had and isn't nearly the whole story. I've done some things that would earn me the SOB title. I've confessed all of my dirty little secrets and have nothing left to hide. I believe she has finally come clean as well.

Here's hoping for healing.

Do any of your dirty little secrets involve an affair, or inappropriate relationships with other women?

MBTG,

he closed his ashlymadison account (where they met, he is married too). So I made a dummy female account... and showed her that he is still a paid member and had logged on in the last 24 hrs.

Don't try to have sex with your W until you have both had STD testing! This guy is a player and you don't know what he gave your W. I would suggest waiting for enough time for her to develop or prove clear of STDs or use condoms.

Please track this guy down and inform his W do not warn or threaten OM, do his poor W a favor. Above and beyond that you can't go through life not knowing.

You W has to come clean with you.

God Bless
Gamma

Truly good advice. I asked her last night to get tested and she agreed. We still had sex a couple of times during the affair so unfortunately if she does have anything I've been exposed. Neither of us have any symptoms but we'll get tested anyway.

I'm not worried about further exposure because at this point my W is repulsed by me. If I so much as flirt she pulls away and tells me it makes her uncomfortable.

Maybe I should post a new message with the whole ugly story. I'm sure its hard for people here to be supportive when they don't know all the details. Frankly I'm afraid because the story is so messed up and filled with mistakes we've both made over the years that I fear people will say, "This isn't worth it and you should both move on."

Your signature line gives me two reasons to not rush to that advice.

Why don't tell us the rest of the story so we have a better sense of what you're dealing with.

Ok, here is the story. But first let me say sorry to anyone I haven't directly replied too in this thread. Your advice and questions are given freely on your own time and I appreciate it. I'll do my best to answer and respond to all.

I'll try (again) to keep this short. This is just the bad stuff. Good things happened too:

Year 2000: Married. Amazing love. She also initiated sex as much if not more often than me.

Dec. 2002: W walked into the bedroom where I was doing chores and in a matter-of-fact way informed me she didn't need or want sex, it's not important to her, and we are just roommates. I then met a woman online and had an emotional affair for a month or two. When the OW wanted to meet in person I realized I was doing something horrible and ended it. I have never had any contact with OW again.

Early 2003: Confessed affair to W right after I ended it. She didn't seem to care. Told me to get my needs met where I could.

Mid 2003: W went to psychiatrist, diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. She is taking meds to this day. She stated showing affection and sexual interest in me again. It didn't last. Psychiatrist warned us that the meds destroy libido.

2004-2005 (not sure): Went to Las Vegas for the first time. Decided to visit brothel with W (she was curious about women). Sex with W was amazing for a few months after. Then went back to infrequent. I figured she occasionally needed sex with someone else to fire things up. I started pushing for finding another man because I didn't want another woman. W started pushing for me to find a sex partner because W didn't want it as much as I did and I shouldn't have to go without.

2006: Another trip to Vegas. W sent me to brothel as a birthday present while she went to a spa. She didn't want to go because her curiosity was satisfied. I ended up not doing anything there because I couldn't perform. I kept thinking about W and how I only want her. Told W at dinner that night and she just lit up. She was happy I couldn't do it without her. Affection and sex restored for a few more months.

2006-2007: Affection was average/mediocre. One night we had a drunken 3-way with a guy we knew. Again, for a few months she was all over me.

2007-2008: Decided to have a baby. She went off her meds and started wanting sex all the time. I was convinced the meds were our problem. She can't stay off them and still function in day to day life. Based on past experience I concluded to combat the meds my W needs to occasionally get a one night stand to keep the fires burning.

2010: I had a one night stand. I didn't like it. I don't want anyone else, I want my W and I want my W to want me.

2011: Convinced that the only way I'd ever get my SF needs met was for W to have a fling now and again I pushed her to find someone.

Sept: We setup a profile for her on ashleymadison. After a few men expressed interest she said she didn't want this and wasn't going to do it. The next morning she told me she changed her mind and wanted to give it a try.
She then met the OM. For the first two weeks after meeting him in person she wanted sex with me all the time. Almost every day. I started realizing she was emotionally involved with OM and I was just the available body when she couldn't see OM. I asked her to end it. She was very upset but did so. Two days later she was suddenly fine. I asked if she was still seeing OM and she admitted she called him.

One week later she saw him "one last time" to say goodbye.

Oct. week 1: Started marriage counseling. Not through MarriageBuilders. Didn't know about this site yet.

Oct. week 2: W and our toddler went out of town to visit W's friend. Left Friday, came back Tuesday. Trip had been planned many months ago. I discovered W had contacted OM last week after first counseling appt. To hide it W had her mom relay text messages between her and OM. That way I would only see mom's number on the bill. W told me OM just wanted to know how counseling appt. went. I now start snooping hard.

Week 3: The next weekend we went to dinner and a movie. Decided to skip the movie and went to a hotel room. I thought things were looking up.

Week 4: My dad died. W and I started really talking about where our lives were and I noticed inconsistencies in her recent history. Did more snooping. I confronted her mom about the texts and she said she only did it those couple of days and she wasn't involved anymore.
W gave me all the excuses like, "can't we just forget about it and move on? Why do you keep bringing things up? I can't remember exactly what happened."

I asked for a divorce. The next morning she pulled out a calendar and said, "This may not matter now but here is everything that happened." And the list follows.

1: W had sex with OM on the "day she said goodbye". W decided to text through mom. W almost got caught by accident so she setup a fake Facebook profile and messaged / chatted through there.
2: The weekend trip to a friends was only Sat. and Sun. Friday she spent the night with OM in hotel with our child and did it again on the way back Monday night.
3: A week after this W took child to zoo. She texted and called me during the trip to tell me what they were doing. OM was with them the whole time.

Note: OM lives about an hour away so It's not like they can just bump into each other. Every meeting has to be planned.

I've confronted W's parents but they take her side. "This never would have happened if you didn't make her find another man." W's friends take a similar stance. We had our first MarriageBuilders phone appointment.

The day after I exposed the OM's continued membership on ashleymadison (from the first post), W and I had sex. She said she was trying to meet my needs just like I was trying to meet hers and like our MarriageBuilder's counselor said. She said she really enjoyed it as well. This was last Thursday.

Last Friday we went to a very fancy dinner and had a show to go to. During dinner I said, "I'd like to see you this weekend" (old code words for being intimate). She rolled her eyes. I told her I wasn't trying to pressure her and she said, "good because it makes me uncomfortable."

Now I don't know what to think. Did Thursday's sex happen just because she was sad and lonely after finding out the OM was just a player? Was she really trying to meet my needs? Am I just the warm body to be used for booty calls for her needs?

Another note: W and I only have one child, the toddler. My teen came from getting a college girlfriend pregnant. We were married for 3 miserable years before my ex ran off with another man and moved away leaving me alone with our 4 year old. My current W has been "mom" for most of my teen's life. My ex did move back to when our kid turned 7 and they are on good terms now.