The reasons for the A include the abortion (of course), and a serious lack of interest throughout the years in regards to our sex life. On average, aside from maybe the first few months of being married we had sex about 1-2 times per month with many of these encounters being me doing 100% of the work with her just laying on her back. I would give her oral whenever she asked but never had reciprocation. I know for some people 1-2/month is a lot or enough but for me it was not, and the quality/interest made it a lot less fulfilling.

Aside from the frequency (or lack thereof) there was an element of interest/passion that was missing. It was a job for her, and because she worked a full time job she never had the energy for sex. Poor excuse IMO but I went along with it for years and listened to her calling me a pervert or a sex maniac. Those things were hurtful to hear. Even when she was unemployed things were the same, so that excuse is not valid in my book. Again, I want to reiterate that I could have been doing a better job on my part to set the mood for her and make it more of an experience for her. Wish I discovered MB years ago.

The abortion was particularly painful because she got pregnant within 2 months of my full recovery from a life threatening condition (I had peritonitis/sepsis and without emergency surgery I would have certainly died - she never left my bedside and gave 200% to me when I needed her most). I felt like the child was a gift from God considering what we just went through together. I was never happier, honestly. Being married for 6.5 years at the time I was ready for a family with her. The abortion felt like a very serious betrayal - like she didn't see me as the man who would father her children.

She is Chinese so I think there is an element of cultural acceptance. Sadly too many children are aborted for the wrong reasons where she grew up. Thankfully her parents did not follow suit with this terrible custom because she was female - I would have never met her.

Aside from different points of views we really get along well and enjoy spending time together. There are plenty of things we could work on as a couple but the major dividing issues have been sex, marijuana, the abortion and drinking alcohol (which I never do unless I am not smoking).

She told me that she wanted an abortion before the act was done. I told her I disagreed but she persuaded me saying that she could live in this tortured reality of me smoking but that she would not force that same fate on another human being. Keep in mind that I was never abusive while high, quite the opposite - more loving and in touch with my emotions. My biggest "violation" while high was smiling or laughing when she considered it inappropriate.

I took her to the abortion clinic but would not go inside with her. The 45 minutes alone in the car was perhaps the most agonizing in my life. I was literally praying nonstop to God for forgiveness. It's as if my soul was departing from this shell of a body while my child was being aborted.

I thought it was overly dramatic, after all I am a very responsible husband and I never let smoking interfere with family life or my job. In fact I have a very good job but a demanding one and I have been very successful at it while smoking. I gave up smoking for the last 2 weeks to show her that I am serious about changing for her. It's stressful but only because my life is blowing up, not because the drug has a hold on me. My head is clear but I am not relaxed. Not a big deal, I am used to dealing wih a lot of stress from my last job and I realize it comes with the territory (the fallout from the A).

I guess the abortion DID let my guard down, it broke me as a person. But it was not the direct reason for the affair.

I am willing to stay clean for her if thats what she wants even though I felt in the past her opinion of my smoking was a controlling tactic for her to get what she wanted. (the fixer'up argument - marry me then work on changing all the things you don't like) I am willing to suck it up, I do want to quit for myself as well but the timing is because of her.

In the past her demands for me to quit have been serious love busters for me, who likes feeling controlled? Now I realize that me enjoying this particular pastime/hobby was a love buster for her. I am willing to back down on this one in hopes that she will be more giving on other things I value (a healthy sex life).

I don't think I provided the whole story about the abortion from an unbiased perspective.

My wife and I have been arguing about smoking for years, she would ask me to quit and I would either say "no way" or say yes then fall back to my vice anyway. I should have treated her beter in retrospect.

Her concerns about my smoking while she was pregnant were: "You say you're going to quit, but are you really going to follow through??" And if I didn't actually quit, would we be arguing in front of our child for years and not provide a stable and happy home for them to grow up in?

When I think about it from that perspective it does make some sense. I didn't really think that way at the time because I WAS dedicated to quitting smoking. I should have just quit when we discovered she was pregnant, it might have saved our child's life.

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I would like to ask eveyone here to please direct attention to the real issue at hand: How can my wife and I reconcile and fix our broken marriage.

The suggestion to read Dr Harley's book is a good one, but what else can we do? I am fully willing to be accountable, are there devices that would provide accountability? I have nothing to hide and I want to back that up with hard evidence so she feels safe again.

What else can I do to help her feel safe, to feel that the risk she is taking is worth it, that our marriage is worth giving another chance?

People are saying we should give up when we want to reconcile and people are judging my wife for her decision without knowing her or me. I told my wife I was posting here(the policy of radical honesty) and when she saw the HARSH judgements against her it struck a chord. We don't want to feel like there is no hope because people on the net say there isn't.

We want to work things out. People are saying we should consider splitting, but that's now what we want advice about.