CWMI...yes, I looked at the link. And will spend quite some time studying it, tonight..as well. Just FYI...I'm not sure where the yelling comments are comming from. I didn't often yell at my wife. I'm not going to say I never did...but then, she's yelled at me a time or two, as well. I think both of us are very passive-aggressive, in how we handle each other. That being said....she clearly feels I haven't been the best husband. Right or wrong, on the examples she presents...that's the feelings she has. I'm prepared to humbly accept that is what I have to deal with. As for DJ's...I'm certain I do have them. I am committed to listening to her, without defense comments, to try and hear what she truly needs. And then I will do everything in my power to provide for her. I know it won't be easy. And I might need to seek counseling (individually) on how to control my frustrations.

As we speak, I am working on pork chop dinners for the family. I hope it is received well, by all.

I agree. I'm committed to going first...no arguments.....and concentrating on HER needs. Mine are pushed back...no doubt.

Well, it isn't going to be fun but you can do it for a little while.

Vent here when you get worn down as odds are high that someone else here has thought the same thing at one time or another.

Oh, and don't forget that keylogger!

I showed you: your words. That's where it came from. It jumped out at me because I've had those conversations, where I'm looking for information, as your wife was doing (was the groupon very local or metro?) and end up getting my throat jumped down for 'tone'. But not addressing the 'tone' by saying anything as helpful as "Hey, you sound bothered. Is there something wrong?" No, instead you educated her as to how groupon works. DJ!!! If you detect a tone in your wife that you don't like, find out why it's there, and then address THAT problem. Getting balled up and yelly over someone's tone while arguing about groupon is ridiculous.

Congratulations! To use one of your earlier statements, I'm going to assume you don't often beat her, either.


HOLD ON THERE, WE HAVE A WINNER!!!

This is a habit you should work on breaking. The whole, "Yeah but she..."

You are responsible for you. You do what is right regardless of what anybody does, and I have some devastating news for you: revealing somebody else's sins does not make yours somehow better or less sinful. Just stop it. I bet this drives your wife crazy. I know it drove me batguana crazy. Stop the lazy defense stuff, and listen. Attacking her does NOT make you look better.


There are people here who have attended counseling for anger management. I'm sure they can help you make good decisions in that regard. While you decide what to do about that, how about trying a nice simple plan for now, which is: control yourself. You're a big strong man, an able provider. Control yourself.

I hope the reaction to your dinner was received well by YOU.

Get that intel, sir, you need to know the size of the dragon you are about to slay.

Better make those pork chops with no expectations.

Plan A is all about being the best spouse you can, without expectations. Or better yet, expect a negative reaction because that's what you're likely to get.

Do it anyway. Believe me, it does make a difference.

CWMI, how about we get to rebuilding AFTER WE KILL THE AFFAIR.

Marital, don't you think she will need incentive to rebuild? I honestly don't think that DG realizes his part in the destruction of the marriage. If he doesn't understand the lbs he's committed, how can he stop them to plan a?

Here's the problem, CWMI - she's not here. She is wayward. And she's not engaged in the marriage right now. She has no incentive to do anything right now that would help her marriage. Because she's a wayward alien.

DG needs to make sure the A is dead. THEN he needs to rebuild the M. A large part of rebuilding will be to learn the ways he damaged the M, and the ways she did. Hopefully they will be able to come together to recover their M. Marriage Builders will help them accomplish this. AFTER the A is dead.

Beating him over the head will all of the errors of his ways will accomplish nothing right now.

Huh? Did you and I read the same plan a?

The incentive I'm talking about is the husband of her dreams, rather than the judgmental, condescending, angry one she's got.

He doesn't see his own lbs. Plan a is stopping lbs while also killing the affair. He can't stop something hurtful if he doesn't think its wrong. **edit**
How was dinner, DG?

What part do you think I'm missing? I've already told DG to snoop to uncover the A, and to be the best husband he can be in the meantime. What are you talking about??

I am saying the business of attacking his perceived failings needs to stop for now. He doesn't need to waste time trying to figure out his shortcomings in the marriage. He needs to stop his outbursts while he is in Plan A. AS I TOLD HIM. PLEASE RE-READ MY POSTS. NO: PLEASE READ THEM.

No kidding.

The part I was talking about was not needing to learn about your own damage to the marriage until after the A was killed. I understood that as part of "stopping LBs". If I am incorrect, and a BS should NOT even think about their own part of the deterioration of the marriage untl after they've exposed their cheating spouse, I apologize. And disagree.

You don't have to 'learn' about the damage LBs do to a M in order to 'stop' LBs. He just needs to STOP. As he has already been told. He can learn the philosophy behind it after the A is dead. For now the navel-gazing is a distraction. He already knows he played a part in the deterioration of the M. He doesn't need help driving that home. He needs help in killing the A.

If you feel I am advising this poster improperly, please notify the moderators. I am done disrupting this poster's thread to debate your philosophy with you.

I wasn't calling you out, MB.

I think it was the other way around.

Let's just champion his marriage, eh?

CWMI, I am not sure where you are going with all this, but it looks like you are putting the cart before the horse. He has an affair to kill right now. He doesn't have time to "learn about his own damage" when the Titanic is sinking. Of course he has to stop his lovebusters. But most of all he has to focus on killing the affair or there won't be a marriage to save.

One doesn't "learn about his damage" when there is an affair ongoing. Plan A means killing the affair, eliminating lovebusters and pledging to meet her EN's in the FUTURE if she ends her affair.

First things first...

A warning to posters to keep your posts respectful and helpful to this OP. We are not going to tolerate badgering, harassment or personal attacks on this thread!

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2400725&page=1

Might want to inform Pep to change the Plan A thread, especially point number one.

We already know what to do, thank you. Why are you disrupting this thread?

Dinner was good. I got an "it's good" from her. My girls ate it...so you know it couldn't be THAT bad. I cleaned the kitchen (normally wait until the morning)...and helped get the kids to bed. So...hopefully I reached at least minimum expectation. But..CWMI...just FYI...not the first time....but I tried to make sure I was super positive, the whole way.

Good job, DG.

How's the intel going?

I'm holding her phone in my hand right now...contemplating how low I've come...that I would do this. {sigh} But, I guess this is needed.