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My son (19 years old and in college) has sent me an e-mail letter stating that if I wish to see him again I will write him a letter detailing dates and times that I was with the other woman (it was a co-worker and the affair is over). I love him very much but struggling with how much and what to divulge and not include. He heard some general things from his sisters who got them from my wife and he wants me to "come clean" I have no problem being honest with my poor decisions and the pain and turmoil I inflicted on him and wife and daughters. I just don't think "fine details" are appropriate. Any advice from someone having to do something similar or someone who has a hunch?

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My hunch would be to just give him the details as a timeline:

5/10/2009- had sex with OW at the Sleeze-o-Rama hotel
5/12/2009- had dinner with OW at...

When you mention "fine details" I'd say just write down "sex" or "intercourse" or some other clinical definition and leave it at that.


Me (BH)
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By the way, do you still work with the other woman?


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Why does your son want this? Versus your general confession of an affair?

And have you ended your affair? Is all contact ended?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I have found it unproductive to yield to threats, dude, and I would urge you to reply as follows:

Quote:
Son, my marital issues are over. Your mother and I have been working to repair our union and do not need interference from any not-fully-mature smart-a$$. Whether or not I ever see you again is, of course, within your purview, as is, I would remind you, the option of paying your college tuition within mine. If I ever again hear from you on this subject, in any way except to ask what assistance you might provide to help us heal, my decision in the matter I mentioned will be made not to your likely satisfaction.

So, will you be joining us for a peaceful, pleasant Thanksgiving, or actively looking for alternative college funding?

Love, Dad

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He has not said, He was very specific - even asking to make sure it was typed and not hand written. (?) I did not ask why. Like a lot of men I carry a lot of guilt and sadness but will not divulge things that in the end will be more hurtful or that are just not his business. The affair is over. Yes, she still works with me - shes in another state with contact only through email till I find another job.

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Originally Posted By: Chuck8464
He has not said, He was very specific - even asking to make sure it was typed and not hand written. (?) I did not ask why. Like a lot of men I carry a lot of guilt and sadness but will not divulge things that in the end will be more hurtful or that are just not his business. The affair is over. Yes, she still works with me - shes in another state with contact only through email till I find another job.


So actually the affair is still active. This would be like an alcoholic changing the names of his drinks to "business drinks" and pretending like he isn't drinking.

How is your wife handling your continued contact? Is the OW married and if so, does her husband know what you have done to him?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I wonder if the reason he wants to know is because he understands the affair is still active? Is he trying to protect his mother?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Chuck8464
He has not said, He was very specific - even asking to make sure it was typed and not hand written. (?) I did not ask why. Like a lot of men I carry a lot of guilt and sadness but will not divulge things that in the end will be more hurtful or that are just not his business. The affair is over. Yes, she still works with me - shes in another state with contact only through email till I find another job.
Have you discussed his request with your wife? What does she say? She might have some info about his request that will help explain why he wants such a specific recounting of the affair. If she has no insight, I would certainly ask him why he wants this recounting in such a specific form. Don't deny his request. Just ask for more clarification on what he needs to know, so you can respond properly to him. Your question might open a door for discussion with him that will help him. Have you talked to him about the affair?

Pure speculation, but: he may want it to be typed so he doesn't have to read it seeing your handwriting - that may be too close to home for him, too personal. He might want to see the information but in a form that isn't so personal. If that makes any sense. smile

Honestly, it sounds to me like he is very hurt, as he should be. You upset his world. He's has to rebuild now, too.

You're probably going to be hearing this again, but I'll say it now: you need to quit that job. You are in contact with OW, and as long as that continues you will not be able to rebuild your marriage. That may be affecting your son as well as your wife.

How is your wife doing? Would she be willing to come here and talk with us?


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted By: Chuck8464
The affair is over. Yes, she still works with me - shes in another state with contact only through email till I find another job.


Is she married?


Me (BH)
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Quote:
Is she married?
Good question - can you give us a little more background about the affair? That might give us a better idea of what your son is dealing with, as well as giving us info that will help us help YOU and your wife.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Your son wants the truth of his life.

He wants to understand if what he lived was "real" or not.


That time - when you and he did such-and-such - was that while you were with the OW, or was it a real family time? What did it mean to you? Did you love him then? Did your cheating on Mom mean you cheated on him?

That's what your son is asking you.

He also wants to protect his mother. He wants to hear you confess because he is a MAN now, not a "smart guy" trying to stand up to you. He wants to hold you accountable because he feels that someone needs to stand up in the family - and when the father of the family falls down, the SON stands up. It is what men do - what sons do - what YOU taught him to do......isn't it? YOU taught him to protect the family, to stand up for his mother and sister.

He is doing that.

What he is asking for now is to hear the truth. From you. Man to man.


If you want to earn your honor back, respond with respect and dignity, IMHO.

Call him, and tell him that you would much rather do this face to face, man to man. than in a letter. You want to take a day, to answer his questions, so that you can be sure he knows that your responses are truthful - that too much is lost when things are written, and that so much more can be said and conveyed in person. And that when the two of you meet, he can record it if he wants, and you two can talk anytime, and you will always be available to answer questions about this, because of all the things you meant to teach the family - having an affair was NOT one of them.

That's what I would do.


SB


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Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Quote:
Call him, and tell him that you would much rather do this face to face, man to man. than in a letter.
I don't think he gets to dictate this.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Originally Posted By: schoolbus


He also wants to protect his mother. He wants to hear you confess because he is a MAN now, not a "smart guy" trying to stand up to you. He wants to hold you accountable because he feels that someone needs to stand up in the family - and when the father of the family falls down, the SON stands up. It is what men do - what sons do - what YOU taught him to do......isn't it? YOU taught him to protect the family, to stand up for his mother and sister.


This is the sense I am getting. Since his dad is harming his mother, he has decided to step up to the plate and protect her himself. When my XH left me for his skankho, my 2 teenage sons suddenly became BARRACUDAS when it came to protecting me. I was astonished! And whenever any men asked me out, my sons were HOSTILE AND AGGRESSIVE towards that male. Since Chuck has all but abandoned his wife, it makes me wonder if the boy has not stepped in to fill that gap and is the only acting man in the family right now?

Could that be why he wants this information, Chuck? Maybe he is helping her get legal protection from you?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Chuck,

Did you involve your son directly or indirectly in the affair? For example did you go to some activity with your Son and OW, or use him to unwittingly conceal the affair from his Mother?

He may feel guilty about enabling you, he also may have seen things he never informed your W about, because he believed in your integrity.

Think about what you are getting in the deal, your sons respect and love restored, and all you have to do is STOP LYING and MAKE AMENDS!

You remind me of my biological father who after destroying my original family and sending them on a path to hell, refused to reveal anything about my family origins to me, fearing for his own reputation.

God Bless
Gamma

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Originally Posted By: Chuck8464
He has not said, He was very specific - even asking to make sure it was typed and not hand written. (?) I did not ask why. Like a lot of men I carry a lot of guilt and sadness but will not divulge things that in the end will be more hurtful or that are just not his business. The affair is over. Yes, she still works with me - shes in another state with contact only through email till I find another job.
Uh, Chuck, we've got a bigger problem here than your son.

That problem is the fact of your remaining in contact in any way/shape/form with the other woman.

As a man who had an affair & who has saved his marriage, I am here to tell you, NFW is that gonna work.

The reason your son wants this info is probably that he doesn't have a clue what to believe; and what he knows for a fact, doesn't add up. But this isn't really about you & your son. It's about your marriage & the girl whose ring you took.

Can you answer me: What is it that makes you think you can save your marriage as long as you remain in contact with her? Do you, sir, not understand & get how profoundly disrespectful & hurtful it is to your wife for you to remain in any sort of contact with the other woman?

That's not merely a rhetorical question. Do you not realize it? What's your answer, Chuck?

You may be able to fool your wife. I've been in your shoes; you cannot fool me. I can be your best friend here, but you've gotta tell me, what's your answer?

Last edited by GloveOil; 11/11/11 01:42 PM. Reason: My apologies for my earlier formulation. Substituting verb "fool"

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NG, I don't agree with your letter.

Chuck, come clean and eliminate any and all contact with OW. The affair is still on so long as there is even a smudge of contact.

You must end it completely and in every form.

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NG, I thought your letter was hysterical.

But I can't agree with it.

Especially since this affair is not over.

Chuck, please read and implement what Dr. Harley says about recovery from an affair. Recovery is a very narrow path. You are not on the path. How can we help you? Your son and your wife are obviously hurting.

As far as talking to your son,

HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY

Isn't it?

Tell your son the truth.

Tell your wife the truth.

Tell your pastor, priest, or other spiritual leader the truth.

Tell your employer the truth.

Tell the other woman you won't ever see or speak to her again, and then make it happen with walls twelve feet high.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Oh, and tell OWH the truth. Or OWBF.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted By: markos
NG, I thought your letter was hysterical.

But I can't agree with it.

Especially since this affair is not over.

Chuck, please read and implement what Dr. Harley says about recovery from an affair. Recovery is a very narrow path. You are not on the path. How can we help you? Your son and your wife are obviously hurting.

As far as talking to your son,

HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY

Isn't it?

Tell your son the truth.

Tell your wife the truth.

Tell your pastor, priest, or other spiritual leader the truth.

Tell your employer the truth.

Tell the other woman you won't ever see or speak to her again, and then make it happen with walls twelve feet high.


I agree with honesty. Where is the line though? How much details of our sins do our children need to know? I really want to know how others decide that. I personally am VERY honest with my ds11, but I will not be telling him those kinds of details.

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