It doesn't matter how much you trust her. It doesn't matter how much she is committed to never falling for the guy again. It doesn't matter how remorseful or perfect she is.

You let your wife taste her favorite drug. An addict cannot be trusted around their favorite drug, no matter how sober they wish themselves to be.

She was right!!

Your feelings don't mean anything here. You've allowed your wife to be triggered by meeting OM. Recovery is now back at square one, whether you like it or not.

There's a reason this program calls for No Contact for life.

I've made it clear for six months she has less than zero interest in this man. She has done everything ive needed and more. I participated in a hoax for no other reason than to protect money and I regret only THAT.

If I felt but an inkling of withdrawal in her at even the briefest point in the last six months from her, I would not have done what I did.

I ended the secret and ended any reason to ever to speak to them again.

I wish all well. I'm done here.

It is IRRELEVANT what your W has told you her "feelings" are for OM. You became a part of the vicitmization of OMW when you allowed contact between your W and OM not once, but twice, without notifying OMW.

That is why I haven't posted to you since the first time you talked about this during the summer.

Shame on you.

Doesn't matter. You don't ask a recovering drunk to hold a drink.

An emotional affair hit is just as damaging as a sexual affair hit.

Yes. You've aided in the continued destruction of THEIR marriage. You've caused OMW MORE agony.

And you don't see a problem with that?

If I may summarize yesterday's notes:

MSS: I did something in opposition to the MB recovery principles. I will inform you though I am certain you will respond with disapproval and concern.

MB CHORUS: We disapprove and are concerned!

MSS: That does it! I cannot stand your disapproval and concern. Good-bye!

Is that about right?

I've seen in MSS a growing desire to "get out" of the relationship. He's more and more triggered, focusing more and more on him rather than the M, and I suspect that this was the "out" he was looking for. Giving W just enough rope to hang herself.

**WHEN** this backfires, he's outta there.

CV

But contact continued. Recovery can't begin when there is ANY contact. There were still meetings going on and plans for money being delivered from OM into the future.

Of course this would trigger MSS and keep him stuck.

Unfortunately, this kind of thing happens when the BS listens to the WS's fogbabble that they are different than the regular WS (not addicted to OP) and some sort of contact is OK. That's what happened here.

Yeah. As I understand it though, contact was *encouraged by MSS* and not his W. Kinda like shooting yourself in the foot, IMO. I am relly thinking that recovery wasn't the goal so much as "waiting it out til the kids were old enough" (a common statement from him).

Cv

CV, I haven't been following this thread really but these are from his post regarding the latest broken NC:




To me, this doesn't read as he is subconsciously sabotaging recovery efforts because he doesn't want the marriage to work, but that he is rationalizing why his WW doesn't need to follow the NC rule (she has been meeting his ENs, she is remorseful, etc)

I wanted to point this out for lurkers because it is a huge when the WS has convinced the BS that they weren't really addicted to the OP and/or that the OP was the real "bad" guy. (As I recally MSS did this over on his SAA thread, said that OM forced his WW into the A to keep her job, etc) This thread is a good example of what happens when you start recovery that way...

Suzie,

I wanna respond, but I don't want to contract hoof and mouth... or is that foot and mouth? Let me go back and reread to make sure I'm not misunderstanding something...

CV

I was going to try and hold off from posting until the new year, but Im feeling terrific lately in so many ways and has only to do with my wife.

The venom and admonishment from many was purely based on my ignorance of the MB principles. Although Im annoyed at Susie in particular because in one post she lambastes me then the next she says she hasnt followed my posts very much, I understand her disappointment as what happened a few weeks back was wicked anti-MB and goes against the fibre of everyone on here.

I am very also perturbed at the rest of you too as I have told you ad nauseum of my wifes complete and utter remorse she has shown. I have written dozens of times of her lack of withdrawal and repulsion for her former lover. Yes, you dont live here and cant see her face and look into her eyes and only know what I write here, but despite her perfect ability to lie to me and snowball me for many years, she has shown me nothing but devotion and interest in getting me healthy and moving on after her near disaster.

Of my goals for my marriage, increasing her dignity and self esteem were way up there. I feel like she acted like a paid girlfriend (to say it nicely) and it took all of her self worth over the years.

The interaction with OM and his wife and the money owed us is something that I allowed to blind me to what right and wrong. I admitted that over the summer. I admitted last week that I let that it go on too long and in the midst hurt OMW who in no way deserved to be hurt more than she has been.

I ENDED THIS LAST WEEK. WE APOLOGIZED TO OMW and wrote to her that we in no way will have any contact with her or her husband as we do not need him thinking we need him in any way. Yes, I see the irony in that many of you wrote I should done this over the summer. I agree. Doing it then, I felt, diminished my wifes ability to claim any dignity in this whole thing and would further reduce her ability to recover.

I did not send her to meet him. It was her idea and after six months of looking into her eyes and seeing her love for me, I decided this was her last shot at boosting a damaged soul. If I felt any flicker of interest existed, it wouldnt have happen. Again, if I felt any flicker of intest existed, I would not have approved it. I trust her then and more today.

I know of other BH who post here have remorseful wives who are deserate to get the past behind them. Noone personifies this more than my wife. I respect her desire to fight for what she feels is hers. The two concepts above clashed and go against the NC for life law. Also, what goes against the normalcy of the typical adultery story are many facts of our story. Not too many of the stories I read include families being as close as ours and OMs. Not too many include a large of sum of money owed from one adulterer to the other, from what Ive read. My story has all too many "uniques" to paint it with a broad brush.

I agree it makes my wife look pretty bad that she ended a long term affair with what I believe is no withdrawal or feelings for her other guy. That she could be with him for years without a "love" is something Ill live with for a long time. There is no answers as to why, how, or what.

In fact I think her love for him ended a long time ago, but the addiction to the lifestyle and the comfort of her life is what kept her there. This is where our recovey started six months ago and where it continues today. Sorry if some of the bumps in the road go against the doctrines in the books. I told you once, we;re running our recovery the best we can. I ve taken precaution and we've met each other needs more than can be imagined.

The event of 2 weeks ago in no way changed my wife. We are not started from day 1 again. In fact my anxiey and depresson is at the lowest level since dday. She has proclaimed her love for me and desire for a long life together more now than ever in this recovery.

Lastly, as much as all of you offer invaluable information, inspiration, and straight shooting advice, I think daily posts outlining the ups and downs of the day is something I will avoid. In the end, although all these trajedies are the same in many ways AND they are all different in ways. So, what is mine is mine. Its mine to navigate using the strong base you guys built for me. And its mine to take steps some may find inadvisable. All are done well thought out.

Thanks and happy holiday to all.

Mike

You allowed meetings between your WW and the OM and allowed it to be kept secret from the OMW.

I didn't need to read anything else to know that this is WRONG.

Happy Thanksgiving, Mike!

Close families, Mike?

One poster here dealt with an affair between his wife and his own brother.

How close is that.

You screwed up. Breath, and move on.


Head up.

Was it worth it, Herman Cain? Your reputation, family, political aspirations all destroyed. Good job.

So? Is that supposed to make us feel bad for telling the truth as it is?

So?
As I said, you don't ask a recovering drunk to hold a drink.

As Susie said, you were cruel to the OMW.

Wrong is wrong, not matter how mad it makes you to be told that.