No ... but I think it was last week or the week before. I remember him telling his story of the wayward husband whose wife caught him in bed and he tried to convince her she was delusional!

Well never fear Melody I have a call into a PI, I am going to spend the money. What can they do that I can't

They can tail her.

She is going out to dinner with one of her friends we know, I dropped the VAR in the side pocket of the car in the door, who knows may get lucky(or unlucky as you look at it). She got her own cellphone so maybe catch her in a convo about something.

Well folks a little update. It�s not good. My wife said she cannot live with me anymore and is getting a rental home this week and moving out. She is filing for divorce ASAP. I told her I am not going along with the divorce and in two years in my state after she files and we separate she can go back to court and get one unilaterally. 6 weeks now and I have lost 20lbs, still not sleeping and the Zoloft my doc put me on actually made my depression worse as well as other side effects such as insomnia and increased anxiety. Every days seems worse, she is moving on and taking steps beyond talking about it. She has gotten a lawyer and now we flip flop back and forth between outright hostility and a some kind of sick morbid jovialness about it. She was mad that for two years she cannot be divorced and this might cramp her dating style and in her words, find a relationship. I had a PI scheduled tomorrow but frankly I cancelled it, I need the 800 bucks for my lawyer. You know my Pastor made a great point that NO ONE even G*d can change her heart if she is not open to it. I think this thread can be moved unfortunately to the Divorce topic , because well frankly looks like it is going to happen and I have to begin the healing process on myself. My kids cannot see me like this, when she moves out I do not want to see her, communicate with her except for the minimum. I have to detox her out of my system and find myself a life again.

Thank GOD that is not true because we save marriages every week from affairs and "change hearts" over on the SAA board every week by exposing affairs. Exposure "changes hearts." But then, your pastor doesn't know how to save marriages, does he?

Well that is not the point, she is moving out, I can't stop her and that is that. Been six weeks and the time has given me perspective on it. I say if she is this devious and this evil, who wants to be with her anyway. There has to be contrition and meekness in her heart to change. I don't buy that affairs are done by mind numbed robots who are unable to think. That is a cop out and an excuse for immorality. We may have a difference of opinion on this. I need to change myself from the inside out and if she wants reconciliation so be it, if not well she can live with the consequences. My groveling, broken, worried phase I am kind of getting sick of. I can find a better woman, a Godly woman who would not do this to our family. Why would I want such a moral degenerate back, someone so cruel and selfish. Sure people have epiphanies after their affairs have been exposed, but for every success story you tought there a 1000 more which are not saved. My wife is fully withdrawn, emotionally divorced and ready to move on. No amount of snooping or exposure of some supposed affair will change her mind. She wants him, have a nice life on 2300 per month honey. Giving false hope is as bad as giving someone no hope. Sorry but I think thread is closed, turn out the lights, party over.

never mind...

Hume, it is unbelievably frustrating to read your thread. I have never seen someone post on here (many in the exact same situation as you) who acted as helpless as you do. My impression is that you don't really want to be married either. Do you?

Just because your wife is saying at this moment that she wants a divorce doesn't mean she will feel that way forever. Her feelings on this could change dramatically, but in order for that to happen, you have to do some things dramatically different than you are right now. That might mean discovering an affair and exposing it, getting 500% better at meeting her needs, standing up for your marriage, and completely eliminating LBs.

Right now, she might not see any hope in your marriage because you don't seem very willing to do anything different.

Your pastor is looking at this with human eyes, and it's a disservice to you and your marriage. Yes, she is going to have to agree to change, that's a no-brainer.

Your pastor used religious references to say that he can't help you. So he's out, I've got that. At this point he is directing you to sit on your hands. I have a bit of a problem with that. God gave you hands for a reason, and it wasn't so you could sit on them.

You can still turn this around. But Penni has made a very good point - you don't appear to want to.

Maybe a breakthrough!

Just maybe. Got a call this AM from wife. She asked me if Family Counseling was covered under our healthplan. Easy enough question to answer. Well before I could get an answer out, wife broke down sobbing on the phone. "I dont know if I can do this, the kids already are choosing sides..". I said we would talk about when she got home. Maybe a crack in her veneer, the happy divorcing wife. I am not holding out hope, she could come home at 5pm more resolute. In fact I am expecting that, her to waffle back to that. But maybe the Holy Spirit found an opening in her heart or the reality of her fantasy divorce is crashing down before it starts. Pray for me guys.

Praying, i sense the Lord working hard as my wife has also revealed her desire to work on the marriage. Stay focused on Him......

You need to re-hire that PI and find out what is going on in your life. Your wife seems to be acting very wayward-like here. Even this change of heart is typical. If you can get an affair figured out, then you have something to FIGHT, and KILL. The affair would need to die, and exposing it would be the best way.

I know that you are hurting, and you feel like giving up, but there is still a chance here.

She is having a change of heart because reality is starting to come crashing in. Imagine how exposure would affect her?

I pray that you use the resources God has put in front of you.
I pray that you have the strength to protect yourself from further harm (as God would want you to do as you are his creation).
I pray that you have the patience and courage to go forth with methods which have been proven to succeed in saving marriages.

If your ww is interested in counseling, please consider doing it with the Harleys since they work with specifically your issue every day. Family counseling can be very harmful to a marriage and will not provide a plan for restoring the love in your relationship.

This is an opportunity, hume.

opt

Has anyone mention to not financially help WW to move out or have an affair.

Also what's this garbage when WW said can we find a counselor?

We'll talk about when you get home?

DO like to strike when the IRON is COLD?

When a WW opens with a line as that you the BH responds with I call the Harley's right now. I've heard so many good things about them and the Harley's come highly recommended.

Oh no brother I am not supporting her financially at all in the move, nothing. She has pay for everything and I said I would not even help her to do any logistics, utilities, finances, etc. She owns it if this is what she wants. That I would be there for kids emergencies only. I would not be available to babysit, pickup groceries or anything, your life is your life, 100%, all of it. I think this scares her, I am not going to be the backstop. Oh and I refused the divorce so she has to pay for everything and I told her she gets ugly and devious, I get a lawyer and you get the minimum in support and alimony. Which is a figure she cannot live on, period. The counselor comment was the reason she called. My kids she thought be ok are very upset about the divorce..duh. She wants to go to a headshrinker for them, so the therapist can tell the kids Mommy leaving Daddy was ok, get over it. Her guilt. She called me at work whispering, so no I could not have a heavy convo with her at work.

We had a talk she asked for, she maybe breaking out of the fog, I use a big maybe. She admits to being terribly selfish the last 6 weeks but...her plan now was to stay in our home and live together till our youngest is 18..7 years and then go find her happiness. I told her that was a deal I could not accept, it was not workable and still not getting at the root of our problems. The kids NEED a loving Mom and Dad as examples not two miserable lumps in the home, moping around , resenting one another living celibate lives. Her plan as I thought was worse than str8 up leaving. I pressed hard for her to stay and we work on the marriage, that right now she cannot see her feelings changing but from the ash heap we can rebuild it into a wonderful relationship. Then I thought...Back off, back off, your pushing. Well she said she could not trust and open her heart again. I said well love is a decision and her plan to run away with the kids and leave a trail of wreckage is certainly not a way to fill a hole in her spirit, filling holes with sin umm is never a good idea. She left it that she would have to think on it and get back to me. I dropped it. Well I know she is struggling, I did catch her looking at RE listings last night, so I think she is still being tempted to do the wrong thing and can�t let it go, her fantasy of pseudo freedom.

Either that or she was\is maybe got mixed signals from the guy she has in infatuated with about her post-divorce relationship. Maybe sex with a married woman is fun, exciting, erotic. But sex with a clingy, single divorced Mom maybe is not what he signed up for. That now sex will have to come with promises of commitment and marriage on his end. How many times does this script play out. Horndog guy has a thing for married women, uses them and then discards them after their fantasy is over as they look at her as just another women who is hassling him for commitment. Most women to be coarse here think their sexual organs have magical powers to transform men's characters and minds. That if the give a man wild, hot sex, the men will be putty in their hands...oh boy. After the orgasm girls would could care less.

So here I sit, I am sure she is not thinking on anything, she is trying to once again work the situation, some plan that she can appear to be leaving and the kids and her finances will be intact. She admits I have boxed her in, that the only plausible solution is to stay married. I don't want that, her to be forced to stay. I didn�t marry her that way, making her do it. But guys, she is negotiating, and communication is a good thing and maybe she is awakening from the zombielike withdrawn state by reality. I have prayed on it and I am done living in her head 24/7, its her move to do the right thing. She does not, well then she can have a her fantasy life, her emptiness now will open up in a real chasm when she leaves and it�s sets in.
My Mom volunteered to give me the money for a PI. So I wil be doing that to get the goods on her. Also I found a great add in for Thunderbird email for SMS texting. You spoof a text form anyone and get responses back. So I can text the suspected guy, it will come to his phone looking like her and he will chat back. I am dying to know what he says. And I will have it on paper and can confront her with it.

Actually, if she would give you seven years, and agree to appropriate boundaries and appropriate transparency, there is a good chance you could turn your marriage around.

If I'm reading right, you're still skipping the step that would make her fantasy even less attractive, right? The step that would make staying with you more attractive, by comparison?

What skipped step? I was conflicted on accepted her initial offer. I know the Harley's would jump all over it, keep her in the home, that way you have her there to work on.

Exposure, right?