short verion of my life... I have been married 7 years, my husband is 17 yers older than me.. I am 48 he is 65
He REFUSES to have any physical contact with me... I have begged ... pleaded ... cried ... I have written (and made him read in front of me so he understood what I was saying) EXACTLY what I need to be happy in the physical relationship... He completely ignored it..
We have a very nice comfortable life, he is retired I still work... He gets along well with my adult children, I get along well with his family.
He is a kind man, hard working, moral and trustworthy...
He won't kiss me, make love to me, or even touch me in the most basic ways husbands and wives touch daily... If we pass in the hallway I lean in to kiss him and he moves around me like I am a wall... IF I get a kiss it is a peck on the lips.. and that is ONLY after many many attempts..
He will not go to counselling, he will not read books (I bought them all!) he will not address the problem in any way.. When I have spoken at him (I would say to him, but he ignores me like I did not speak) he will not answer my questions...
I thought it was because I had gained weight, so I started losing weight... NOTHING
I thought maybe he and I have different "passion" styles, so I read books.... NOTHING
I became so distraught, I cried every night just getting into bed with him because I knew I was going to be rejected again..
Then..... I found a male friend in the exact same situation... and although we have found sexual and intimacy closeness... we both would give it up if we could just convince our spouses to TRY to give us what we need...
I am headed on a 15 day vacation with my Husband... I have bought the his needs/her needs book.. I will be taking the love buster stuff with me.. I plan on trying one more time to get him to see what I need.....
This did not just happen over night... I tried for over 18 months to make him see I was desperate for physical love & attention.. in the 18 months we had sex 3 times.... the second time only happened after 6 months of me warning him that I anniversary was 6..5..4..3..2..1. month away and I WAS having sex that day with or without him... he obligued... but no kissing and no foreplay... the last time before I found my friend.. there was intercourse... he of course achived "it" I did not, no kiss and not even a thank you... I was mortified...
My question to you that have been on the other side... on this vacation... should I tell him about the affair and start fresh? (He has told me before he would leave me if I ever had an affair) or should I make a commitment and just see what the 15 days can bring?
I want my husband to love me both emotionally and physically...

First things first. He has to be told about the affair. I would do that TODAY. To not tell him is cruel and manipulative. He may choose to NOT go on any vacation with you if he knows. As you said in your post:


That is his right. But he can't consider his options if you are withholding the truth about his life.

Tell him what you have done and end your affair. If your husband refuses to meet your needs, you are not entitled to have an affair. You should have separated before you resorted to this.

Tell your husband about your affair. That's really nice and generous that you and your OM would both give up your affair for sex at home.

Consider the possibility your H is having an affair as well. There are very few men with no sexual need whatsoever. If your H is not having sex with you, he may be having it with someone else.

Were either of you married when you started dating?

AM

No.. we were not married when we started dating..
Trust me, He is NOT having an affair... if he were.. I would feel better and would leave... Would have left years ago.. but he is someone that doesn't have a lot of friends and not much contact with his own family.. I helped him reconnect with his family... He would be devistated if he knew... but I have been living in a terible place for a long time...
Thanks for the "kind" encouragement about me and my friend... I know you meant it to be mean,... So, here is one right back at you.. WHY do the people that withhold sex and affection from people they "love" get to be the "good" people????? why because we couldn't live that way anymore does it automatically make us bad?
I shouldn't have come here for advice... You are all too bitter to help...

Active waywards who are in the fog always think betrayed spouses are bitter. It is predictable.

Is your husband using porn instead of having sex with you? Why would he be devistated by your behavior if he passes by you as if you were a wall? He seems to be in withdrawal from you. Was it always this way? Before marriage?



AM

But we are helping you. Did you read our posts?

The answer is to tell your husband the truth. He has a right to know you are committing adultery so he can protect himself from you. You could be carrying STDs because of your promiscuous behavior. The same thing with the OM's wife. She has to know so she can get cootie testing.


If there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, then why not tell your husband today? What is the problem?

No decent person is going to "encourage" you to degrade yourself by committing adultery with a married man. That is not support. Any caring person is not going to encourage you to climb into the pig pen and get it on with some other woman's husband. yuck.... puke..

Would you be willing to tell all your children and your parents, grandparents what you are doing? Probably not. Just ask yourself WHY. Why wouldn't you just use all these rationalizations to THEM?

Meinca,

I have to say that you must tell him about your affair immediately. BEFORE the vacation. His lack of interest in sex was no excuse for you to destroy this man's life. You cannot threaten him to get what you want either.

How exactly did you find this male friend?

CV

If you don't believe it is "bad" then why are you hiding it?

If you really believe its "good," then I encourage you to put your money where your mouth is and expose today to:

1. your husband
2. the OM's wife
3. your children
4. your parents

Just explain that screwing a married man is justifiable behavior because of your husband's failure to meet your need for sex. Let's see you back up that talk with some WALK!

I am sure they will all understand and encourage you to continue climbing into bed with someone else's husband.

Why should we encourage something so disgusting, and cruel?

If you had a problem in your marriage, you a) leave or b) fix it - how does getting it on with someone else help anyone or anything?

STOP, THINK.

And WE are mean? Sorry but my definition of mean is putting your legs up for another woman's husband, destroying countless people's lives.

Lets try and get this nonsense de-fogged shall we and see if you can take responsibility for your mistakes.

I shall translate your excuses and justifications as a jumping off point.



I want I want I want

If you strip down all the excuses you know what the right things to do are. You are not a child. Tell your husband THIS INSTANT. Have him tell your affair partners wife. Tell everyone what you have done.

Do not expect forgiveness. Feel grateful if you get it.

No one expects you to put up with unhappiness in your marriage. But this evil you have done must be undone first.

AGree. There are no words we could say that would be 1/100000000th as "mean" as committing adultery. Now THAT is mean. Screwing someone else's husband is "mean." Committing adultery against your husband is "mean." Exposing them both to cooties is "mean."

Don't believe that is "mean?" Go tell your husband what you have been doing to him and watch his devastation over your mean actions.

This shouldnt be a surprise to you, but many of us betrayed spouses HAVE been neglected in this way.

I was going crazy for up to two years trying to figure out why my husband didnt want me any more.

I DO know what its like and I sympathise with that.

Was I short of other offers? Nope, there are many disgusting men in the world who see nothing wrong in meddling in marriages. Did I sleep with anyone else? ARE YOU KIDDING?

Yes. Today...before the vacation.

The "fresh start" is his choice (but I'd say you have a 90% chance or so to him wanting to recover with you in which case he'll perhaps finally be willing to read some books, talk to some counselors and actually commit to a loving marriage of extraordinary care).

Honesty is the only path.

Mr. W

Isn't it odd how easy these poor pathetic sex-starved married guys are to find? I can't believe their wives shut them down like that...when they're such good guys.

Mr. W

LOL... Yeah. Her H is also 65.. Just curious if there might be a medical reason for his lack of interest.. E.D. or prostate problems... Common as men get older I hear... And it doesn't sound like mememeinCA has tried having productive conversation other than telling him SHE has needs he needs to take care of.

CV

Where do you see bitterness? Why would we waste perfectly good energy being bitter? Heck, if we wanted to be bitter, we'd be going about this an entirely different way. We would be encouraging you to continue the affair, because we know the probability is high that you will end up losing everything you value. Yep, that would fix you, wouldn't it. THAT kind of response would be bitter and mean. But you're not seeing that, are you. Nope, you're hearing from people whose lives were upended by adultery - and who have healed or recovered from it! We are actually telling you, a wayward, how to make your life right! These same people you accuse of 'bitterness' are telling you that there is hope if you can climb out of your selfishness and do the work. I don't think you realize how fortunate you are.

So, how about it, meinca? Are you willing to stay in this, shut up and learn something? Or is a real plan to end the madness just not what you wanted to hear?

The only bitterness I see on this thread is in the OP's posts. Calling others "bitter" after that post is a clear cut case of transference!

CV,

I thought my H had a medical reason why he was not too interested in SF. I actually picked up some information for him at a health fair. It turned out he was having an affair and having SF three times a week with OW.

Poof --- that poster has disappeared. I wish I would have bumped the gift to lurkers thread.

AM

Oh she's still reading. Arntcha meinca?

I hope so. Even if she thinks I'm bitter.