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In my case, the ONLY stress my XH causes is me is how he affects my son. And there is zero way to avoid that because I am not going to tell my son, 'don't speak your father's name to me.' I am his mother and I will be mothering him. I do understand how it would be impossible to avoid that kind of stress. Nothing you can do, you are right. 
Last edited by MelodyLane; 11/12/11 01:34 PM. Reason: duh...misread her comment
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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In my case, the ONLY stress my XH causes is me is how he affects my son. And there is zero way to avoid that because I am not going to tell my son, 'don't speak your father's name to me.' I am his mother and I will be mothering him. SW, will you explain what you mean by this? I'm hoping you are not implying that those who choose to be in Plan B are not "mothering" or parenting their own children.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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In my case, the ONLY stress my XH causes is me is how he affects my son. And there is zero way to avoid that because I am not going to tell my son, 'don't speak your father's name to me.' I am his mother and I will be mothering him. SW, will you explain what you mean by this? I'm hoping you are not implying that those who choose to be in Plan B are not "mothering" or parenting their own children. Ok, apparently I'm on a list somewhere of the 'outsiders', but that is ok...between the 'New Rants' thread and my posts being edited I get it and I know I either have to fall in line or get out of the class altogether. However, my comment was about how seeing my XH is not what causes me stress. It is listening to my son and helping him deal with his own feelings about his father. No amount of "Plan B" in the world will stop that stress because I will continue to mother my son. Does your Plan B include not letting your child talk to you about their father? If so than that is not the kind of mothering I agree with----and hopefully I am allowed to have my opinion on that.
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Does your Plan B include not letting your child talk to you about their father? If so than that is not the kind of mothering I agree with----and hopefully I am allowed to have my opinion on that. sigh.... Did someone say that Plan B means your child can't talk about his parent? However, my comment was about how seeing my XH is not what causes me stress. It is listening to my son and helping him deal with his own feelings about his father. No amount of "Plan B" in the world will stop that stress because I will continue to mother my son. I agree with this. This can't be avoided because the child has to be able to talk to the BS parent. And it is very stressful to the parent. It is also stressful to the child.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"This is true. But the main purpose of Plan B is to protect the BS from the WS, period. It is not intended to save a marriage and Dr Harley doesn't say that."
I guess I just read pg 79-83 in SSA a little differently, we're probably just splinting hairs, I interpret what Dr H. wrote to say that Plan-B gives a BS a chance to outlast a typical A, by protecting them from the toxic relationship until the A dies, thus giving the marriage a chance to recover.
I agree that Plan-B is an outstanding tool to protect BS from EX's for those that need it.
For me and my journey, time will tell for me if I have to go to a Plan-B or if I can recover with some contact with the STBEX.
Kirby, sorry for the TJ ..... that will be my last commit on it
Me BS 54
XWW 51 Divorce final 1/9/12
DS26 DS24 Twin DD's22 Married 29years
D-dates No1 01/2007, No2 08/2008(ongoing)
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"
I guess I just read pg 79-83 in SSA a little differently, we're probably just splinting hairs, I interpret what Dr H. wrote to say that Plan-B gives a BS a chance to outlast a typical A, by protecting them from the toxic relationship until the A dies, thus giving the marriage a chance to recover. As he says there, Plan B protects the BS from the "toxic relationship." Plan B does that whether or not the BS intends on saving the marriage. Thinking it can ONLY be used if a person wants to save the marriage is to not understand the point of Plan B. It only serves to give the marriage a chance to recover *IF* the person wants the marriage to recover. Many don't. So for them it serves ONLY to protect them from the toxic relationship. Plan B is used by many, many people who have absolutely no intention of saving their marriage. Like Harley said in the quote I posted above, "It's not designed to save your marriage...."Plan B CAN'T save a marriage. All it can do is protect a BS from the emotional fallout. And whether a person wants to use that to eventually recover the marriage or not is entirely up to them.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"
For me and my journey, time will tell for me if I have to go to a Plan-B or if I can recover with some contact with the STBEX. Personally, I did not go into Plan B with my XH until several years after my divorce. I noticed every time I spoke to him, it set me off in a rage. I would be angry for days. I realized how crazy that was and just shut the door. I think I have spoken to him and seen him one time in 8 years. And it sure has made my recovery so much better!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I guess I just read pg 79-83 in SSA a little differently, we're probably just splinting hairs, I interpret what Dr H. wrote to say that Plan-B gives a BS a chance to outlast a typical A, by protecting them from the toxic relationship until the A dies, thus giving the marriage a chance to recover. I spoke to Dr Harley very recently on the phone about being/staying in Plan B even though I am divorcing WH. I wish I could remember exactly how the conversation went, but I explained my situation to him and told him that my STBX is giving me a hard time because I will not talk to him, he basically agreed with my decision to stay in Plan B and acknowledged that contact is upsetting to a BS even after divorce.
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I am taking Pep's advice.
WH you go through with this divore, then
I will surgically remove you and everything about you from my life, FOREVER.
No holidays, talking, seeing, socializing ... you will be as good as dead to me, FOREVER ... DEAD to ME
Plan B for me is the only way to sanity.
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Does your Plan B include not letting your child talk to you about their father? If so than that is not the kind of mothering I agree with----and hopefully I am allowed to have my opinion on that. sigh.... Did someone say that Plan B means your child can't talk about his parent? No. I was responding to PM who asked if I was implying people who Plan B aren't good mothers. I just said, 'well, if your plan B extends to not letting your child discuss their other parent, I guess I am saying that.' However, my comment was about how seeing my XH is not what causes me stress. It is listening to my son and helping him deal with his own feelings about his father. No amount of "Plan B" in the world will stop that stress because I will continue to mother my son. I agree with this. This can't be avoided because the child has to be able to talk to the BS parent. And it is very stressful to the parent. It is also stressful to the child. Thank you. It is very hard on ds11. And therefore hard on me. No way to avoid it. See my point is that if ds was fine with his father and I had to see XH briefly at drop off...I wouldn't be enraged or distraught. I'm fine with that kind of contact. So. No plan B for me.
Last edited by SmilingWoman; 11/13/11 12:47 AM.
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And SmilingWoman, that you found another man who meets emotional needs for you and did a good enough job of it that you would marry him puts you in a more supported place to face your now divorced to WH.
You have a man at home saying you're the bomb and to give you solace during rough patches.
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See my point is that if ds was fine with his father and I had to see XH briefly at drop off...I wouldn't be enraged or distraught. I'm fine with that kind of contact. So. No plan B for me. And that is fine. But others do not feel the same way. For many others, any contact is very painful and prevents recovery. This is why I avoid any contact with my XH. My life is much more pleasant without the presence of my XH!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And SmilingWoman, that you found another man who meets emotional needs for you and did a good enough job of it that you would marry him puts you in a more supported place to face your now divorced to WH.
You have a man at home saying you're the bomb and to give you solace during rough patches. True. Very true.
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NOW on to the fun stuff ........ Kirby, I would think I would spend the money on something perishable, like a concert, spa trip or big night out on the town. That way you don't have something that every time you use will remind you of himself. Although, toilet plunger might be appropriate.  bwaaa haaaa haaa! I just spent the first $25 of the money I got from selling my ring. A friend of mine from my divorce group wanted to go to a Christian concert at a local church, but she wasn't sure if she could afford the ticket. So, I paid for her. That felt so WONDERFUL!! I may do something similar with all of the money. I loved being able to bless my friend.
Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
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I'm kind of melancholy tonight. I saw some very old friends and it was weird. And then, as I was driving home, I realized that they didn't have a clue there was another woman involved in my marriage/divorce. The wife said that it was just so sad that my WXH and I split up. But, I'm happier than I've been in years. The event was just not the right time and place to tell her what had happened, so I didn't.
Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
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I know how you feel, Kirby. I recently had someone ask me, "Are you still married [to The Leopard]?" It was pretty awkward, and I did my best to just say that no, it hadn't worked out. I mean, if they didn't know, it would only be more painful for me to go into details than it would be for them...
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Hi Fred. Getting any good runs in lately?
Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
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Hi Fred. Getting any good runs in lately? Hi Kirby, thanks for asking. Running has been a bit of an issue since the marathon a couple of weeks ago. My right leg gave me problems 20 miles into the run and I struggled just to finish. I did go for a three miler earlier this week while I was on the west coast. It was a chance to break in a new pair of shoes and run in the mild weather, so I'm pretty happy with the results. My coach did tell me to take it easy for three weeks, so I guess I'm not off my schedule. There is a 10k I traditionally run Thanksgiving Day morning, so we'll see if I'm up for it. I'm also registered to run a 15k two weeks from today, so I'm not down for the count just yet...
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Well, just keep plugging away, but don't overdo it. A marathon really takes a toll on the body.
Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
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Well, just keep plugging away, but don't overdo it. A marathon really takes a toll on the body. Yeah, but it's my body. I'm not saving it for anyone. 
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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