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I don't think I made this clear... This is my boyfriend's father. They all are not US citizens; laws are a bit different in the country they are from I think. My boyfriend is the one with the disability (as well as his sibling). He already is trying to find a job but in the future he will likely be dependent, it is hard to find a job without even a bachelor degree. My advice remains the same, fishy. But I would also suggests that your boyfriend consult an attorney. I don't know the extent of his disabilties. He may need an attorney to protect his interests. I'm still advising you to expose to his father's wife and family.
D-Day 2-10-2009
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all of this lies on the assumption that the OW still doesn't know about the disabilities/children.... what if she actually knows and just doesnt care? isnt this possible as well..
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all of this lies on the assumption that the OW still doesn't know about the disabilities/children.... what if she actually knows and just doesnt care? isnt this possible as well.. That doesn't matter, fishy.
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why would that not matter? I'm confused.. if she knows and does not care, then what would be the point of telling her? she wouldnt feel remorse, the father could be potentially pretty angry... ... then what?
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why would that not matter? I'm confused.. if she knows and does not care, then what would be the point of telling her? she wouldnt feel remorse, the father could be potentially pretty angry... ... then what? Don't presume to know what the mistress knows. Assume she and her family knows nothing. Based on what you've told us, I get the feeling this affairage is very tenuous. Do you think you could get the mother/wife on this site? What is SHE doing to deal with this?
D-Day 2-10-2009
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the mother does not speak english. she is just very stressed and depressed at the moment but doing her best to take care of her children as they will really need her soon.
the father may just want to truly get away from his family...
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you mean that the relationship probably won't last? i hope not. but he does visit her every weekend and talk on the phone to her every day, which seems sort of like a normal relationship to me. i don't know. i'm a bit young, i dont understand these things well.
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If the language the mother speaks is very common, like Spanish for example, chances are good that there are still enough people here to help her.
You can't predict what the OW/her family know, or will do. They may be blameless and unaware. Give them the benefit of the doubt, but by all means tell them.
Even if she knew, and her family doesn't care, just the fact of more people knowing will put lots of pressure on the A.
Bingo, you are correct and this adulterous relationship is going nowhere, fast. The chance that they will still be together in 5 years is about 1 in 100. Seriously.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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ok. one last question, then...
what if my friend does not want to even talk to this woman? it is not my place to contact her. maybe it is not really anybody's business. then what?
the mother does not speak a common language unfortunately.
it seems a bit reassuring to hear that the relationship won't last, but he must have been pretty serious if he divorced in order to marry this mistress.. it doesnt seem like most people are serious enough to marry their mistresses and visit them every weekend and abandon their entire family for it...
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now.. how does one even go about contacting this woman, and what do we say? "Hi, you know your husband? he abandoned this entire family for you. just a heads up." ?...
i've read on this forum that "exposure" is necessary, but the thing is, the father knows that everyone in his family probably knows by now and is just keeping quiet about it. it's not as if exposing will change somebody's knowledge of the situation except perhaps the OW's... we don't know that.
Last edited by fishyfish; 11/14/11 07:58 PM.
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He could contact her and say "Hi. I am your stepson. My dad dumped my mom for you."
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Ms. OW,
You became my stepmother in such haste and secrecy that I hope you are unaware of what transpired prior to your marriage.
My father cheated on my mother with you, callously dumped her and broke up our home to be with you, and finally married you. In his shame, he did not even notify his closest family members, and we only learned of your existence by accident.
You should also be aware, if you are not already, that I am one of your husband's two disabled children, heavily dependent on him for financial support. I'm sure it will be very difficult for him to continue to support a second wife, and his disabled children, also.
I truly hope you are innocent in this wanton destruction of our family. Your actions now that you know the truth will tell everyone what sort of person you really are.
Sincerely,
Stepson
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Can't confronting the OW also just make the father and the OW feel closer to one another?
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Can't confronting the OW also just make the father and the OW feel closer to one another? That's often assumed but isn't always the case by any stretch. If OW doesn't know about Dad's 'other life' she's going to be very shocked and she's going to wonder what else she doesn't know. That's going to cause their shaky foundation to become even shakier. If she does know, she's managed to box that knowledge up and put it away so she doesn't have to acknowledge the scoundrel she's chosen as a mate. Confronting her will throw the cold water of reality in her face. That won't do much for their foundation, either. fishy, is the Dad living in the States, or is he with OW in her country?
Last edited by maritalbliss; 11/14/11 05:25 PM.
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he lives in the states, is not a citizen. she lives in another country but is also an immigrant from another country (not the same one that the father is from). ... does that make a difference for anything? it is a very poor country and i can infer that she likely is very glad that she has somebody providing for her (he bought her many things...)... based on her age and the things we have found i think it is her first time being married; i do not have any reason to believe that she has children of her own (which could mean that she may be pushing the father to have more children even though he is old).
i mean, she definitely knows that he has "another life" because he can only see her for about four days out of the entire week (as i said he has a job in the states).
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he lives in the states, is not a citizen. she lives in another country but is also an immigrant from another country (not the same one that the father is from). ... does that make a difference for anything?
i mean, she definitely knows that he has "another life" because he can only see her for about four days out of the entire week (as i said he has a job in the states). If I were your friend, I would pull out all the stops and do a bang-up exposure to this woman and any relatives of hers that I could find. This 'marriage' sounds so fragile that I suspect it wouldn't survive a strong wind. I would contact OW, her parents, her children, her siblings, anyone I could find. Does she have a FB account? I would contact all of her FB friends as well. I would also contact my father's employer to let him know that my father's work conditions directly contributed to the destruction of my family.
D-Day 2-10-2009
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the culture of the father's country really doesn't care about work conditions like they care in the US. i feel like making a big fuss will just cause stress on everybody's part. it isn't my place to contact anybody since i am not part of the family. and the woman as far as i can tell does not have a fb account. keep in mind that the stress of dealing with two disabled kids is sometimes really enough to break apart a marriage and maybe he really is finding relief in his affair? it really must be stressful to think that your two children have "no future" 
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it isn't my place to contact anybody since i am not part of the family. and the woman as far as i can tell does not have a fb account.( I thought you were getting this info for your friend? Certianly is his place. Not that it would mae any difference to me. After what I have been through I would never let a wayward silently hurt a stranger, let alone my friend. But up to you. keep in mind that the stress of dealing with two disabled kids is sometimes really enough to break apart a marriage and maybe he really is finding relief in his affair? it really must be stressful to think that your two children have "no future" But it didnt break apart the marriage. The affair did. He didnt leave alone How is it easier to cope with your responsibilities as a couple by splitting the marriage apart? That makes no sense. It is not marriage. And if it is stressful to think your children have no future - how do you find relief in abandoning them? I dont understand.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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i feel like making a big fuss will just cause stress on everybody's part. The affair caused the stress. Everyone looking the other way will not undo that. What do you want from this forum?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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nothing, just a place to debate on how to move forward. and maybe some support... sorry if i sound very uncertain but i am extremely confused and sad right now, even though i'm not in the family. You've gotten my response. I won't post again to you unless you need more info about exposure. Let us know what happens. We're here for your friend.
D-Day 2-10-2009
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