No. The goal here is to save your marriage.

Are there any exposure success stories here on this forum? Exposure sounds so counterintuitive. In my case I am nearly certain that it will drive him away. He won't be with her but he will not come home either. Especially since we are unable to move closer to his work for another year until son finishes high school. He will stay mad and separated until he finds another OW. He is going through MLC.

I have just found out that my son was in an accident. A fender bender, he claims. I have to go.

Yes, those of us posting to you are success stories. Did you read the comment I posted from Dr Harley? Almost every recovered marriage on this forum got that way because of exposure.

As you can see for yourself, enabling by keeping the affair secret DOES NOT WORK. Your method has not worked. But our marriages are recovered. Think on that....


I would suggest that he is already driven away so this is not a rational comment. Your husband is driven away already and it is going to get worse because of your enabling. The AFFAIR is driving him away. And by enabling the affair you are ensuring the demise of your marriage.

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Your husband is already "mad" and already "separated" so you have nothing to lose, do you? Your best efforts have driven him away. There is no such thing as a "MLC." Your husbands problem is that he is in an affair.

Mine is an exposure success story. I don't have it written down in a single thread, so it would take too long for you to search it. In a nutshell:

I traced OW in about 5 minutes of internet searching. She actually lives in a different country from me, and yet I had her full name, home address, occupation, husband's address and his email within a few minutes of using a search engine.

I tried to make my H stop the affair, but did not expose (because I had not found Marriage Builders) and the affair continued, hidden more carefully, for over a year after D Day.

After 16 months of false recoveries, My H changed job so that he no longer travelled, but the couple continued their EA by phone for 6 more months.

After 6 months of that, I found this forum and immediately exposed to OWH. The affair crumbled.

The EA was restarted after several months, when OW rang my H at work. They spoke on the phone about twice a year for the next two or three years. When I discovered this earlier this year, I re-exposed. Neither of the exposures broke up her marriage because, like most of us here, her H took the decision that 30 years of marriage was too much to throw away without trying to recover.

My H has now retired altogether and OW cannot contact him at work. She wouldn't dare contact him on my landline, and my H has no mobile phone. They are not in contact by internet as I have a key logger on the PC, and he does not know what a key logger is.

You have to

1. expose the affair to OWH. If OW and your H were planning to move in together, they would have done so by now. What is stopping her from leaving him? Only the fact that she does not want a life with your H. When this affair is revealed to her H, she will have to admit to herself and your H that she does not want to leave her marriage for him.

2. Change the environment that made the affair possible. Your H will have to change his job. I know you think that he cannot stop working, but he can, and he must. If you are give the straightforward choice between his keeping his job and the affair, or his giving up his job and giving your marriage a chance, which would you choose? I would have chosen unemployment over a broken marriage any day.

Also, do not be scared of OW or her H, for reasons of their ethnicity or anything else. She has committed a grievous harm against you and your son, and SHE needs to be scared of YOU. Raise holy hell about your marriage and her invasion of it, and let her and her husband know that her theft of what is yours has ended, as of today.

As far as I know, you live in a country where attacks on people for telling the truth about adultery are not tolerated. What, really, do you fear her husband will do to you?

On the other hand, your husband deserves whatever OWH does to HIM, but that's another discussion.

I'm sorry to hear this. I hope he is okay.

My husbands affair ended the day I exposed it.


We agree. But following your instincts leads you to where you are now: an entrenched affair, separation, and well on your way to divorce. Enabling does not save marriages, it saves affairs.

OW in my case made suicide threats to my H, as well as once ringing me begging me not to tell her H. I fully accepted the arguments that exposure was spiteful, and that it would backfire on me by driving my H and OW together, and that it was wicked and mean to break up another family merely to get vengeance for the fact that I couldn't keep my own husband faithful.

It took my coming to this forum and reading other people's sensible, logical arguments to realise that by keeping the affair secret from OWH, I was actually giving OW my blessing for her to continue having sex with my H.

I was protecting her marriage when what I should have been protecting was my own, and kids. How had I let my mamma bear instincts towards my two children, whom I would die for, get so weak and corrupted? I couldn't believe my own stupidity.

You are an intelligent woman, wife and mother. Protect what is yours.

This forum needs a wall on which to post simple statements like this.

The vast majority of the posters here successfully recovered their marriages by using exposure as one of their tools for killing the A. I'm another one whose H's affair ended the day it was exposed.

Sure, we've seen plenty on here who refused to expose. They're gone now. Their marriages didn't make it, so they probably see no reason to remain here. They thought their circumstances were special, that exposure would drive their spouse away.

They were operating in FEAR.

You know what sounds counterintuitive to me? The posters who come here and say "I can't expose! It will drive my spouse away!" Isn't he already gone?? Don't you realize what you're really saying?: "I'm going to cover my spouse's affair for him so they can enjoy each other in peace. Isn't that nice of me! Maybe some day, if I'm really, really good, he'll come back." Now, THAT scenario makes NO sense to me.

He's playing you. First of all, stop making all of these divorce plans! Put that cart behind the horse! This business of signing a post-nup is his way of appeasing you. You should not be talking divorce with him! The goal is to save your marriage, not work with him to get the road to divorce neatly paved.

After exposure he'll be talking a mean divorce game. Don't let him pull you into that. You're going to tell him that you don't do divorce and won't discuss it. All of this 'post-nup' business has convinced him that you're going to roll over for this affair. You'll need to disabuse him of that notion.

quovadis. Your WH strategy here is to make it look like your M was over BEFORE he and OW hooked up. OW is probably making plans to leave her own BH and get together "publicly" with your WH AFTER you have signed the post nup and agreed the other divorce issues. This way they will look like a legitimate couple in everyone's eyes and be accepted by friends and family.

This is a common tactic of waywards and exposure is the best way to fight it. Let family and friends with influence over WH and OW know the truth about what is really going on.


Don't be so sure that WH will not want to come home and again become that upstanding respectable man he once used to be after he starts to feel the consequences of his bad behaviour. Pressure from people of influence in a waywards life is a very powerful thing. Right now he is in a fantasy (foggy) and not thinking clearly. Knock him out of this and hold him accountable to his peers. You will then stand a good chance.

Your M looks to be very salvagable if you are willing to do the hard work.

quovadis, is everything okay? Please check in with us - is your son okay?

I think you are probably still trying to process everything we've told you, and I suspect there are parts that you find unpalatable. Please keep reading here! You will learn so much that will change the way you're thinking.

Thank you, everyone! I am back now. My son's accident made me realize how precious my boy is to me and how angry I am at my WH for destroying our family life and stealing the last years of my son's innocence.

After reading your comments, I am now determined to do the exposure. I do not have any info except OW's home phone number, address, e-mail address and the name of her H and some of his relatives. There are no FB accounts.

How do I go about informing OWH? Keep calling their home phone until he picks up the phone?

Smart girl. Wise decision.

When is she out of the house? Do you have any idea what her schedule is?

When is your WH due home? I would expose before that. And when he calls you, totally jacked out of shape because you've upset his tea party, make sure you tell him sweetly but firmly that you're not leaving the house. He's going to have to make other arrangements to see his son. Or he's welcome to be there while you're there. Don't make this easy for him! He needs to see that it isn't going to be a simple matter of quovadis just moving out of her own home whenever he feels like getting a dose of his son and his home.

I'm glad to hear everything's okay with your son!

I am so glad to hear that your son is fine, quo, and also that you intend to fight this affair.

I would not phone the house yet. If OW picks up and you ask for her H, she might be suspicious of a strange woman calling - I know I would. If she picks up and you put the phone down, then she will definitely grow suspicious. Only call the house the if you can be sure she is out. You do not want her blocking your access to her H, or alternatively, spinning a story of a madwoman who believes that she (OW) is having an affair with the madwoman's husband ("watch out for phone calls on this, dear, and ignore them!"). Under no cirumcstances should you leave a message on an answering maching.

See, first, whether you can find a workplace phone number or email address for her H. I simply googled OWH's name (in my case) and I found his private email addy, workplace email addy and work telephone number straight away. (It helped that he has an unusual name for someone living in Belgium.)

You can find vast amounts of information about people on the internet - much of it that they do not put there themselves. My own employer has put my name and workplace phone number and addy on the website for the world to see. I hate that fact, but it's a reality for many people. Use it to your advantage.

See what you can find on this man.

I have googled and used all available resources. The only thing I have is her e-mail address, their home address and phone number. I do not have anything else. It is hard for me to determine her schedule. What is your advise on how to proceed?

Personally, if she didnt know me or my car, I would go over and check the place out. Watch the comings and goings. If you can catch him there alone, knock on the door, speak to him and hand him the evidence you have. Oh and contact details so you can liaise.

Or call the house from your cell if you see her leave.

As far as you know, does she work during the daytime?

Try a phone call to the house during the day, if so. He might work a different schedule from her.

OM in my case started work at 6AM and was home before 4PM. His wife worked normal, later hours. There is a chance that I could have caught him in the afternoon - but I had his work email and used that instead.