This is just me, but I want to be quick to point out that he was bothered by the children's feet in the cooler, the usage of the water, and the cat being in the house.

But he needs to not complain about it in a way you find disrespectful, so write those down on a disrespectful judgments worksheet to give to him at the end of the week.

Our coach always told us not to discuss disrespectful judgments on the fly. Just write them down and exchange the worksheets like it says in Love Busters.

My email answered.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=7306

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=7307

I want to thank everyone who posted on my thread. H and I finished reading Lovebusters last week. Had it been a paperback and not on my kindle, I would have thrown it across the room. It was utterly painful reading the accounts of abuse in that book. Way too close to home.

I few days later I came to some conclusions. I can't change my H. I can't force him to meet my needs, so I'll be in love with him. I realized too that I didn't want to be in love. I was only doing it so that I would have an easier time meeting his needs. In the above clip, Dr H says that I don't need to be in love to meet my H's needs. I held on to the belief though, since February, that it was something I needed. Nope. It was so freeing when I realized that we can be married without being in love.

I want my marriage more than I want to be in love. I was beating myself and my H with MB.

Being in love is no longer our goal. We both agree. We will keep poja and no lovebusters, but we won't make a huge deal out of meeting needs. We each would need to become completely different people in order to do so. And it just doesn't matter that much anymore.

I guess I'm not so Tenacious after all. Because I quit.

And the answer to my question, Is raising kids an independent behavior? No, it's not. Someone had to did. He was busy with his career and computer games. No regrets. I got my answer.

Sad to hear it, TenaciousOne. There was so much potential for you.

We wish you the best.

It is sad, Prisca. But, I'm tired. I want peaceful coexistence.

I read everyone's advice to Remark. I wish my H would come here and get the same advice. But, he won't. And I can't educate him. I can't make him pursue me.

We need to move on.

I finally discovered yesterday the real reason we couldn't recover. Porn.

We had this issue settled from the beginning. But, I'm now concerned it might've been a part of his life all along.

While on a date last night....as he was inside the theater...I snooped on his phone. History clear. But, My Activity on google revealed it. He almost caught me on his phone I had to play nice for three more hours.

How do I reveal that I now know the truth?

Have you seen this? And listen to the radio clips in the thread. Dr. Harley on the Scourge of Pornography

Thank you, BH. I read the article, but didn't know about the clips.

I'm thinking I might take screenshots of the sites and just leave them in his photos....I'm disgusted.

When DH got home he noticed I wasn't ok. He asked me about it and I told him. He said it wasn't him. When I told him specific what I found he said NO. My husband has lied by omission, but he cannot lie to my face.

We asked all our kids. They all said no. We called our IT cousin and he said that hackers will definitely do stuff like this and it will totally look legit. IDK

So nice of your (probably also secretly porn watching) nerd cousin to lie for your husband.

The problem with asking him is that he will now be more careful to delete his history. It would have been better if you snooped before talking about it. Snooping will be more difficult now.

The problem is that most people will deny, deny, deny, even when caught redhanded. Picture a child with a cheek full of candies telling it's parents honestly it didn't take any. What is more likely - someone from your household watched porn and lied about it - some hacker made it look like someone watched porn on your husbands phone. Did he do a complete virusscan on his phone because he was hacked or did he just tell that story to make you believe it?

Does the google activity give you info on what time the porn was accessed (or did he erase that asap)? That way, you have info on where your husband was when he watched it (or perhaps a tech savvy kid that only erased browser history).
Was it watched at home via WiFi? In that case, you can monitor WiFi. Don't inform anyone, just quietly snoop and monitor, gather evidence.

You need to put spyware on his devices without him knowing.

It was at home, but not necessarily on our wifi. It didn't show up on History...it showed up on My activity. Yes, all the searches have a day/time stamp...some had a location and it was our house.

He said I could have his phone and do whatever I needed to it. He did not do a virus scan on his phone. How do I scan our phones? Also, what keylogger do I use? His phone is always available...lying around. When this dies down a bit, I'll secretly put a keylogger on it.

Also, getting a whole house modem with controls. I have searched our modem weblogs many times and never found a thing.

Porn definitely would explain his lack of motivation in the needs dept. Self or substitute sex is way easier!!! I would bet my money that he's lying. If a man doesn't need sex then he's most likely low T, having an affair or using porn for self-sex.

Quietly snoop, or go for the win with a polygraph suggestion. His reaction to that will confirm your suspicions. But considering your modified marital agreement, aka no intimate needs met, aka marriage without care, I'm not sure what difference it would make if he does porn. Sorry I don't remember your back story, but my guess is that he is happily allowing you to meet LOTS of his needs, just not the intimate ones.

So glad that you got this obstacle uncovered.

Oh no, we still have sex...I'm agreeable to about once every ten days. Of course, he wants it daily if possible. He is being treated for low T. Getting weekly shots.

The issue we have with need meeting is...he's not good at meeting mine...so I'm not very good at meeting his. He wants a passionate love affair, without the work.

I've done more research on apps hijacking one's phone. It's a real thing. His facial expressions and demeanor and transparency (access to all devices and passwords) are a good sign. I'm still quietly snooping though.