Dr. Harley wrote this fantastic new article about pornography. I'm also going to link a few radio clips about the effects of pornography on a marriage.

The Scourge of Pornography

Michael says he is working on overcoming pornography and saving his marriage. he and his wife have been married 25 years with 9 children. He told his wife of his porn addiction and she told him to get counseling. The counselor is telling him he has to do many things first before the marriage problems can be addressed. His wife is unwilling to view Marriage Builders material.

Radio Clip on Overcoming Porn
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4
Segment #5

Mathew writes that when he gets mad at his wife of 3 years, he closes himself off to her and resorts to using porn. They are separated, and his wife wants to just be friends and move on.

Radio Clip on the use of Porn

Tess in New York writes that she is feeling unsafe and unloved and pornography is involved. She was married 2 years ago. This is her second marriage and her third. She is 62. She and her husband were high school sweethearts. Their first year of marriage was good. Her husband won't spend time with her unless she has sex with him. She says she has to earn it by having sex. He wants her to watch pornography with him.

Radio Clip on the Use of Pornography

Tara says that her husband has been viewing pornography. She just discovered this. He said he never thought about what it would do to her and her marriage if she found out. He thought it was really nothing. Tara says he is an honest man, but these statements have shaken her trust in him to the core. How can she learn to trust him again? They have been married 26 years, and have 2 children, 21 and 23. Her husband says he has sworn off pornography. She says that she felt like he was cheating.

Radio Clip on the Effects of Pornography
Segment #2

Dana writes that she has been married for 6 months, but they have intimacy issues. Her husband rarely wants sex. When I ask for sex, 8 out of 10 times he turns me down. One time when I tried to get him in the mood, he laughed at me. I was humiliated and embarrassed, and he never apologized. When I told him how I felt, he didn't say anything. I backed off and dont initiate, because of my rejection.

Radio Clip

Laurie Ann in Massachusetts and Naomi in Canada both write emails on the topic of pornography. Laurie Ann writes her husband has been secretive about viewing porn for the last 10 years. She also says he is manipulative and controlling, and will do just what it takes to get her off his back and then he will do what he wants to do.

Radio Clip on the Effects of Pornography

The Harleys continue to answer the remaining pornography related email questions from the last segment on Friday, including one from Naomi in Canada who writes she is a Christian and her husband watches porn, now they are now less intimate as a result. She writes her needs are not being met, but she wants to remain faithful. Also another woman Kim writes if porn is OK if it is agreed on with the policy of joint agreement.

Radio Clip on the Contrast Effects of Pornography

The scourge of pornography is a new article Dr. Harley wrote and which is available on marriagebuilders.com in the articles section, and is discussed in some detail on today's show.

Radio Clip on The Scourge of Pornography

The scourge of pornography, Hannah writes she does not like when her husband views porn and sometimes asks herself if she is too unrealistic with her expectations.

Radio Clip on the Scourge of Pornography

BrainHurts-thanks for posting the radio excerpts for us to listen to. I relate so much to all the female stories. I have expressed the hurt I feel when I find out my husband has watched porn and he apologizes but he does not make efforts to stop it. Well, not exactly. He has resorted to "private browsing" to watch porn. He has no idea I am aware of the "private browsing" and I am unsure how to broach the subject anymore now that he is intentionally hiding it. I don't know if I would call it an "addiction" per say, but it very well could be. He is a night owl so he stays awake much later than I do which gives him the perfect window of opportunity. Today was a little different, I see that he jumped on the net to enjoy about 5 mins. of porn after me and the kids left the house for the day. He did not surf for anything but porn. Naturally for me, this will make for an uncomfortable evening. You know the usual ignore him, don't let him try to touch me intimately, become completely uninterested in sex... This won't be too hard though because he has met his need in the sex category for the near future. I am a "feelings on your sleeve" kind of gal so it is difficult to act like I know nothing.

Any words of wisdom from the forum on how you can broach the subject without letting your spouse know you are spying on them?

What would happen if he knew? Why do you want to hide it from him? Just curious.

That is a good point. I think he would make every effort to hide it even harder. This way I can confirm what he is doing to a small degree. There has been infidelity in the past and I don't 100% trust him. Knowing that he does this behind my back (against my request) makes it even harder to trust completely. You have conversations and discussions which you believe and hope are helpful in moving forward in your relationship only to find out it made none or little difference is pretty defeating and depressing. How can a person completely heal, forgive and trust when the wound just keeps getting ripped back open? Not sure it is possible.

Needtobeheard, the purpose of snooping should not be idle voyuerism, but a tactic used to stop destructive behavior. If you are not interested in stopping destructive behavior, there is no point in watching him. The key to turning your marriage around is to be radically honest about the problems. Demand that he stop using porn and put a precautions in place where it would be impossible for him to watch porn again.

If he can still hide it someway then you eliminate that method, but you don't sole marriage problems by sweeping them under the rug.

Melody I am very interested in stopping the behavior, but am not sure how to go about it. I have made it very clear from early in our 20+ yr. marriage that this is not acceptable (Radical Honesty). I know he has heard me, he always uses the phrase "all guys do it" or "good luck finding a guy who doesn't look at porn". I have only been seriously monitoring for 2 weeks or so. He knows I am watching to some degree, but not to the degree I am. My hope is that the monitoring won't be necessary, that I will get bored with what a great husband I have. So far, I have been disappointed as far as the porn goes.

You said "demand he stop using porn". Isn't that one of the things you should not do in MB? Make demands. It has not worked for me in the past.

Is your question actually how to let your spouse know without revealing your method of snooping? I appreciate that if you let him know that you have keylogger on his device, he will just use another device.

Tell him you know, without telling him how. You don't need to prove that you know. He knows that he does it; you will just be telling him that you know he does it and that you want it to stop. Don't let it turn into an interrogation of you. It is he who is in the dock.

When your husband engages in marriage wrecking behavior, you insist it stops immediately. It won't stop unless he sees you are taking this seriously.

The reason it continues to happen is because he knows you are not serious and because of this, his means of pursuing porn has never been removed. It will continue until 2 conditions are removed.