SP, that is a great idea for him to cancel the trip. In the future, he should find ways to get out of them or take you with him if he can. My H has just got in the habit of getting out of them, or asking someone else to go. He has made it clear to them that he is not available for travel.

The whole point of extraordinary precautions is to eliminate these vulnerabilities, not to get used to them. Traveling is bad for marriage, period. It is an invitation to an affair and as you have seen, it triggers you.

Sweetpea - A couple of things -

Good on talking through it and dealing with both of your feelings and working through this. It isn't easy - BOY do I know that!

I went through some of my "greatest hits" threads/comments to find a couple that GloveOil had posted on, but hit this one from Melody...


So - I guess I shouldn't have posted earlier that I thought you could deal with a trip. I gave you some hints for how I have dealt with it, but that isn't MB, is it?

Having said that, I do know that one item that I didn't have a full awareness of until this past few weeks, nor did I have clarity on until right now, is the interrelationship between boundaries and willpower. I, like the poster above, have relied way too much on the willpower of a man that has just proved to me that it takes SO LITTLE to ignore a boundary that was set.

So now, what is the boundary that must be in place? Not really sure where I'm going with this, but I think there is an answer in this sage advice and comment. I know now certainly how it feels to have that boundary breached and I know I was relying on his willpower to not do that. So - don't rely on his willpower.

On the book that you mentioned, when I pull the title up on Amazon it looks like a book about Yoga... Is that it? I do need some other reading at this point. SAA, LB, HNHN, (and "Not Just Friends", etc) are here and dogearred, highlighted and tagged, but I think I need to find something that speaks to me as an individual and helps me heal personally.

Melody:

We talked again this a.m., after I read all the posts from yesterday. FWH is conflicted. I'm conflicted. FWH feels he is rock solid in his ability to maintain EPs even if we are apart for three nights. However, he also understands that an overnight trip offers a big OPEN DOOR, as it has in the past. He also hates that I'm triggered by it.

So, we aren't committing either way yet. Still talking, thinking and considering. I know, I know. Keep those 2x4s coming.

Thankfully, the trip has been pushed back at least two weeks due to property sales being delayed. That delay will now likely scuttle the trip altogether because it will interfere with a biz trip FWH's exwife is making overseas, meaning we will have custody of the boys full time, not 50%, in her absence. And that's a very easy justification to make to corporate to not go. ("I can't be trusted not to cheat while on biz trips" is not a very good case to make to the bigwigs.)

Will keep posting as we work through this.

This hits home. Ugh.

I gave you the wrong title! Sorry! It's "Let Go Now: Embracing Detachment."

At first, I was really conflicted reading it, because I felt that it had anti-MB leanings. But the gist is that you can't control anyone but yourself, which when your life is destroyed and in a heap of rubble on the ground, is a good reminder.

I am really aching for you on your thread. It's very tough going, and I'm admiring your spirit in taking all that tough-love advice and chewing through it.

Ugh!!!!

Thanks Sweetpea!

I'm aching for you as well. But glad the trip you are dealing with is being postponed and possibly scuttled.

However, I think it's a great exercise to go through this "what if". And talk through all of those feelings/triggers for both of you to understand. Emergencies do happen and people need to be separated for a few days every so often - hopefully not too often. Better to have the boundaries and emergency contingencies in place and at your fingertips, right? Kind of like that old battery operated radio that we couldn't find during the power outage last week... A lot of good it did to find it today!

{{{sweetpea}}}

pAp

SP, but he is NOT rock solid in his EPs if he travels overnight without you. That is my point. You are relying on WILL POWER rather than extraordinary precautions if you spend the nights apart. That is like saying you trust me to go drunk driving. When you should not trust me *IF* I go drunk driving*.

Spending the nights apart is to abandon EPs and is an invitation to an affair. As you have seen, it also triggers you. Not even Dr Harley and Mrs Harley spend the nights apart. You know why? Because they have EPs in place.

So, I would ask him to cancel the trip. This is EP 101. Really, friend. There is no trip that is worth putting your marriage through this again.

*and I was a dang good drunk driver if I do say so myself!

You got it! If willpower was effective, then our spouses wouldn't have had affairs in the first place. Willpower did not protect our marriages in the past, and it won't in the future. It is not a lack of trust that ruins marriages, but a lack of boundaries.

This is a very good point!

When I spent the night away from Mr. Sunny, I was at my parent's house. He was home with the kids. I guess it's a bit different than if he was out of town in a hotel. I have to remember...he was home with 2 sons who had already wanted to shoot him for what he'd done! They had a guys weekend - so it was all good. BUT...I STILL triggered, being away. Not because I thought he was up to something but I wondered, was he thinking about OW while he was in bed alone without me?! Of course, it was only a month after he'd moved back home. I figured those concerns were because everything was still fresh.

SO: my other thought is, could one of the kids go with him since you can't? It sounds bad to think that a grown man needs a "babysitter" but I would certainly think that would be one way to keep EPs in place while needing to be apart.

Thanks PAP! Preparation is not my husband's strong suit. So, this whole incident is good fodder for deeper discussions, especially since DDay is this weekend. Ugh. Thank GOD the trip was postponed, 'cause he may have had to leave on Sunday.

Melody: I get it intellectually. We'll come to grips with his not traveling without me. We're just chewing through it.

Sunny: The days would be during school, and neither kid would want to miss that much time. And, since it's been pushed off, we have time to rethink him going at all and/or maybe me going along.

Thanks MB pals. This one really got to me for many reasons. Glad to have the wisdom of you all to help me through it.

CHeers,
SP

Ugh. Triggered really bad this a.m. and have that ugly sick-to-my stomach feeling.

Was tallying up bills and Quicken auto-filled in the name of the restaurant FWH took POSOW to last year.

FWH says he's here for me today. We'll see.

Hate this teary-eyed, insecure, damaged feeling. I don't deserve this.

Maybe it's in the air, SP. I got that sick feeling last night.

NO, you don't deserve it, that's for sure. I always remind myself that life isn't fair. Bad things DO happen to good people and good people make mistakes too. May not make you feel better at the time, but it helps me to think of it that way. It makes it less personal for me - less thinking I wasn't good enough...

I know it's hard, but try to switch gears in your brain. If you allow yourself to give in to these teary, insecure, damaged feelings, they win, you don't. You will waste too much time wallowing. Being one that's BTDT, I can tell you I always regret it.

It's hard: we DO need to mourn and work through the grief. I'm not saying stuff those feelings and not allow yourself to feel them. Just don't give your whole day over to them. Try to do something to pamper yourself - or do something that makes you feel good about you. My Ipod is my best tool for this. The right music can make me feel empowered again. Of course, my hubby can take the right actions to get me through these times as well. It's harder though, when I'm at home alone and he's at work and I'm triggering - like might be your case today.

((((((SWEETPEA)))))))) I'm sorry your morning started this way.

It's a process. You'll have better days ahead!

Sunny:

Thanks for the hugs. FWH hugged me a lot this a.m., too, before he left, which helps. He also asked me to meet him for lunch or if he should come home, but I just am not hungry, and feel like I should just deal with this feeling today and tmr (the day he screwed her last year for the second time) and Sunday, when I busted him.

Did give him a small 1x2 though, when he said: You can call or text me any time today that you need me.

Wrong offer! I said: Nope, YOU can call and text me today.

And thankfully he did get that.

Had to dry those tears for a bit, also thankfully, because a cable guy came today.

I will try to get this sorrow out of my heart today. It's just a tough one!

Well, the point to lunch probably wasn't about the food but the togetherness... but I'm sure you know that.

I really do understand how today could be tough. When you have specific dates tied to certain events, it is really rough and hard to get anything else through your brain other than THAT.

You and H should plan something GREAT for tomorrow - anything that will keep your brain active and focused on some kind of activity.
That's usually the best bet.

Given the triggers of today, my 2cents would be that your H doesn't need to be going on that trip. Ya know???

Got my act together during the day, until FWH came home with flowers. Nearly choked me up again. Something about seeing him brought back that uber sadness from the morning. I was able to stifle it and carry on, though. Just weird for me.

All-in-all we had a good night. FWH was suffering badly from allergies, so we had a quick bite out to eat with the youngest, and then came home and watched TV. Not exactly great UA time, but some UA time. Early to bed.

I'm up editing video, my new passion. It's of a wedding two weeks ago with a gorgeous young bride and groom. Every wedding we do now makes me wonder: Will they make it? Will THEY have what it takes to be faithful and have a good marriage?

So, tonight, I have to work, 2-10:30. Double ugh. Because this is the night he met her to screw her again and lavish attention on her. Hate that. Really, really hate that.

Sunday is DDay. I'm not working, so that's good. We have a nice day planned -- making dinner, going for a long walk with the dog.

I'm sure I'll get through it fine. Friday's tears just really surprised me. Was also surprised at some latent anger that followed the tears. Mainly, my thoughts were: I'm the one that was demolished while HE had all the "fun," and I'm still suffering. Why shouldn't I be mad today? Why shouldn't HE suffer just a bit for his actions? Why do I have to buck up, for crying out loud?

And, no, I didn't lovebust FWH. Just worked through those thoughts on my own. I know anger -- or tears for that matter -- won't serve our recovery.

Thanks for the support these days. ...

Last year today, I knew something wasn't right.

FWH had been acting oddly for weeks -- drinking heavily and frequently, a renewed interest in getting buff and working out, ignoring the kids. I would call while I worked evenings, and he too often seemed to be walking the dog or drinking with our neighbors while the boys sat home not doing homework and playing video games.

Our distance was exacerbated by my job. Not only the schedule, but because I had begun sleeping in the basement roughly three nights a week after shifts that didn't get me home until 1 a.m. I just couldn't live on 5 hours of sleep that would be interrupted by snoring or the alarm.

We were into our sixth year of marriage, and while I knew that all relationships had ups and downs, I was foolish to think that we had just entered a small down phase. But we were working on a plan for me to get a new job and things would get back to normal.

Normal for us was great: Lots of recreational time together seeing movies, concerts, traveling to see friends and family. We were always great snugglers and made time for romantic dinners and walks.

We married in 2004, both at the age of 40. It is my first marriage, and the second for my FWH. I had a very successful job and had always took my mom's advice that I wouldn't "have" to marry a man; instead, I should "want" to marry him.

And wanted to marry FWH. He is so loving, tender and kind. He's smart, driven and very funny. He has a zest for life that is unquenchable and addictive to me. He is an excellent provider and a caring but firm father. Choosing to marry FWH was so simple; I never even gave my "career" and wonderful life in another town another thought. I was so thrilled to be gaining such an awesome partner in life, and also gaining two stepsons, who have welcomed me into their lives and for which I am utterly grateful.

We were in love. We were older. We thought our collective wisdom would protect us.

Even with infidelity, I thought we were solid. My father had cheated on my mother and stepmother. So, I thought I knew how to protect MY life from that. I mean, I wasn't as naive as them. Right?

And get this: I knew of my FWH's cheating past. He told me he had cheated on his first wife. Twice. Stupidly, I didnt' even think of them as affairs, that's how naive I was. FWH said he'd faltered because sex in the marriage had decreased rapidly after they married. He knew the affairs were wrong, but ... he thought he knew why he had done them. And he'd been in therapy after his divorce, and he talked about what he and his XW had done -- and not done -- to let their relationship falter.

We were in love. We were older. My FWH had been through divorce and cheating, and said he would never do either of those things again. And he had actually been in therapy. Didn't that make us both wiser?

Back to Wednesday of last year. FWH is dropping me at the airport to fly home from a little mini vacation we're having before his business trip begins. I have to get home to take care of the boys; he's staying behind and driving home on Saturday.

I'm kissing him goodbye, and I say: Why are you staying until Saturday if the conference ends on Friday? Don't go out with anyone and drive home. I'll be missing you by then, and you'll have more time with the boys then.

FWH hems and haws. I kiss him some more.

FWH says: OK, you're right! I should come home on Friday. I will.

I smile, give him a big hug and kiss, then grab my bags and enter the airport.

Thursday arrives. We're on the phone, and FWH is busy. When he's busy, he usually is very distracted on the phone. But he sounds even more off. Odd really. He says the president of his company has asked him to stay Friday after the conference is over and conduct an audit of a local property, and he can't say no to the boss. He's afraid it will take a long time, and he doesn't want to drive home -- five hours -- too late. So, he's going to stay and drive back on Saturday.

Instinctively, I know this is a lie.

It's the way he says it, and the serendipity of this last-minute audit are just too convenient and just important enough to shut me up.

But I don't know what to in the presence of bald-faced lying.

But I can't sleep that night. And FWH is not reachable by phone, having said he is going to listen to our nephew's band, which is playing. OK, fine. I trust nephew.

Friday morning, I draft a note to FWH. Something is wrong, I write. I know that we've drifted recently, but I love him and that I want to figure things out. Am I crazy, I write.

FWH calls. He is supremely hung over, having partied with our nephew until well past 2 a.m. Again, with the heavy drinking and inappropriate socializing. FWH is also busy ... distracted.

I ask him if he saw my email. He says yes. And he says that I'm not crazy, and that he has sensed a change too. But that we'll be OK. He says he's dog tired and is staying the night and will drive back fresh the next day. And then -- his voice lifting -- he says he has to go.

I feel like hell, playing this kabuki theater with him.

I spend a lonely night at home with the boys. Fretting. Watching the clock. Waiting for him to call or return a text. No response.

I text him at 10 p.m. that I'm tired, going to bed.

I text him that ... I love him.

Oddly, I sleep, but wake early. Way early. I am still feeling horrible. I fret and decide to call FWH. He doesn't answer his cell, which frequently loses juice.

I decide to call his hotel room.

He answers. Sounds like he does when he's faking being chipper and doesn't want to be called out for staying up to late or partying too hard.

I ask him, my heart pounding in my chest: Where were you last night?

He says: Hey! How are you! I was out with people from work.

And this is where I decide, in my head, that I WILL NOT TAKE THIS BS ANYMORE. I'm SCREAMING this in my head, but my voice is deadly serious and calm, but definitely shaky.

Me: Who? I want names. And why the #$%#$ didn't you answer my calls or texts last night.

He says: Um. You don't know them. ... Um. It wasn't a bunch of people. Um. ...

Me: I WANT NAMES!!! WHAT THE @#O*$U@#$U IS GOING ON?

FWH: Um. ... I was with someone last night. I'm here with her.

And that's when the crushing mountain of pain slams down onto me. I can barely breath. I ... am ... lost.

I grasp for details and the questions fly out of me as I try to make sense of his utterly horrific statement: Who is she? What is she?

I remember asking: Do you love her?

He says yes.

At that moment. I ... want ... to ... die. I've never felt that way before. Ever. But it's true. At that moment, I wished I could just lay down and melt away. I see that my wonderful life is over, and that the man I loved -- that I gave every piece of me to -- didn't love me any more. I was dirt.

FWH says: But I still care for you.

What, I yell? YOU CARE FOR ME?!?!?!?!?

I lose it. I tell him he can shove his [censored] into any hole he wants. I'm done.

I hang up. I can't move. After awhile, I realize I'm sobbing. Great big, heavy sobs. They rattle my entire body. I'm afraid my crying will wake the boys, so I retreat to our basement. I am inconsolable. Will I get to see the boys ever? How will I afford to live on my own? How will I ever find someone again? I see myself as a sad, lonely old person. Alone, unloved. I see the boys as grown men with families of their own, and I have no place in their lives. We had made plans together, and wanted to share our lives together. I saw all of that gone.

A year has passed.

My life with my wonderful husband has not vanished. Yes, we have had some terrible moments in these 12 months, and, yes, I am struggling this weekend with the reality of last year.

But we are solidly on the road to recovery. Thanks to excellent therapy and MBs, we are stronger than we were before this happened.

To my husband: I love you. And I'm sorry I've been sad these past couple of days. Your actions to recover our marriage, your devotion, your support and your love over these past 12 months have proven to me that you do want this marriage. And that you love me. You -- my gorgeous, handsome blue-eyed hunk -- will always have my love and devotion.

Love,
Sweetpea

Oh Sweet Pea, I am so sorry for your pain this weekend. Having recently gone through the same thing (reliving the awful Dday events) I know exactly how you feel and where you are at. I know the tears - the sadness - the anger - all of it.

I can only say that somehow, it DOES feel better when it's all over. You know that you've gotten through it and next year, when the anti-versary strikes again, you'll feel SO much stronger!

I'm proud of you for not lovebusting! Of course, I hope you are getting your needs met and not just suffering silently because you don't want to lovebust. It sounds like you're striking the right balance.

I can understand thinking you were "safe" - that you'd made good decisions, and that your H was over his unfaithful past because he'd gone to therapy, etc... I thought my marriage was "safe" too: me and my H had both experienced infidelity in our first (young/short) marriages. I thought him having known that pain, he certainly would never be the one to cause it.

This is why it's such a major part of MB that you don't rely on trust and will power to maintain fidelity, esp. someone who has a past of straying. The boundaries are so much more important.

You WILL get through this weekend... and you will feel good again. I'm glad you have plans for the weekend.

Sunny: Thanks for reading that long post of mine. I was just immeasurably sad on Friday and Saturday. I woke up super early on Saturday, and just could not stop crying.

So, I started writing about DDay. I wasn't sure I would share it with FWH or see if he read it on his own. But he came downstairs later in the morning, and I was still crying, so I asked him to read it.

He did. And he immediately came over, apologized, and held me.

I really hope that next year's ANTI-versaries are much less painful. That would help us both, I'm sure!

I had to work on Saturday night, but yesterday we spent a great day, walking the dog, hanging out with the boys, and cooking, which is something we really enjoy doing together. And we've got a full day of UA planned today, because we're driving to the big Packers game at Lambeau Field in Green Bay. That's always a fun time together, though we'll be dog tired tonight when we get home. I'm yawning already!


I must have missed this in your story. I had no idea that you were married before and had experienced infidelity. I'm glad to know I'm not the only idiot out there! Um, not that I'm calling you and your FWH idiots! But you know what I mean!


So true! And thankfully, the Seattle trip is off for now, and likely for good due to FWH's xwife's business trip to Europe!

But I'll keep you posted!

Thank you guys for posting this and giving me hope. My anti-versaries are around the corner. Starting when he first met her in person 12/14 till NC 1/6. He was with her on all the important dates. Even our aniversary of our meeting each other.

At least it is less than a month. He really worked fast from meeting her to sleeping with her and "in love" with her.

Hey Luvs:

Misery loves company, eh? My FWH met his POSOW in a bar and slept with her within a couple of hours, and then the following night, too. Because she had easy orgasms, he thought "they were meant for each other" that their sexual attraction meant something deeper than exciting anonymous sex.

BARF!!!!

Thank GOD he understands now that was all hogwash, and the feelings he was having were that she was a shiny (albiet TRASHY) new toy that fed his needs for admiration.

Yeah, he said he thought he was in love with her, but he knows now that it was really stupid. And really selfish. And dishonest.

Luvs, I've been impressed with your FWS coming to MB and posting. That's something mine has said he'll do, but hasn't yet. I'm not going to force him, but he did say he would try to help someone who needs it, and in doing the helping, also reinforce his newfound clarity and MB philosophies.

Cheers!
SP