Hello. I am new to this forum but have been reading some of the posts and feel it is a good place for me to get some support and answers.

I have been married for 24 years. My wife began her affair about two years ago with a close mutal friend, who's wife had just left him. We had also just went through a really bad 2.5 year stretch (3 deaths in our family, put down two long time pets, I lost my job twice, had to move several times, and we had a cancer scare with one of our kids). So I think it was a pefect storm.... he was splitting with his wife (my wife's friend since middle school) and we were coming out of a VERY rough time so they both were in need of comfort. Not making excuses for her, but like I said, it seems like it was the perfect storm.

She became very distant in 2010. And in 2011, New Years Day said she didn't want to be married anymore. I was shocked. I assumed it was all me and asked what I could do to change. On 1/7 she said she was in a relationship where she was always wrong. That broke my heart and made me think I was taking everything out on her when we went through the stressful times mentioned above. So I broke down and cried my eyes out and told her I love her and would never have done anything like that on purpose. We struggled for a few months and then began to work things out, or so I thought.

Then in August I confronted her and our friend and found out that it wasn't as much about me as I had thought. I told her I love her and still wanted to stay together. I felt marriages survive affirs all the time. But she said she wanted out. So we told the kids Mom was leaving, but didn't tell them about the affair. We have four boys (ages 18-24). She moved out in September. I didn't agree with it but love her and respect her and knew it was what she really felt she had to do so I didn't want to stand in the way.

It was very tough for me. And then out of the blue in the middle of October while we were visiting our youngest son in college. She says to me that she messed up and she was sorry. And she asked if I would take her back.... to which I replied.... I never let you go. I asked her how she wanted to handle it, did she want to do this slowly or what. When do you want to move back, I asked and she said tomorrow.

So that's what we did and things were amazing for the next three days. I assume there was no contact with OM during that weekend. However, I guess she talked to him when we got back to let him know she had moved back home, and I doubt he was willing to just go away and let us work on the marriage.... not that I figured he would, but it would have been nice if he gave her the same respect I did when she left, especially since we have all been friends for so many years, but maybe it's just wishful thinking or maybe it wasn't about him, maybe she is just confused or wants both of us in her life. I guess she felt she didn't want to lose him, not sure. So, the affair didnt' really end. About two weeks later she said she was thinking about moving back to the room she was renting. I said I didn't think that was a good idea to leave, come back and then leave again two weeks later. I didn't want to pressure her but I was obvisouly devistated that this was happening, and didn't want to confuse our kids even more. Plus one of the things she said she felt when she was out was distance from the kids. I said I think that would only be worse if she left us twice in two months. Ugh, it's been very difficult and confusing for me, but I truly feel she is in a crisis of some sort and is probably far more confused than I am. She just may not realize that and I doubt she is in a state of mind where she wants that kind of advice from me.

So she decided to stay at least for now. The affair is still going on and I am just confused. I have tried to be supportive but I also feel like I am just standing on the sidelines and supporting the affair rahter than supporting her.

I know she needs a husband to step up and fight for her. And trust me, I want to do just that but then I also hear that it's good to be patient and wait it out. She is a great woman and I don't want to loose her.... I am torn between letting her figure it out and putting my foot down

Sorry for the long post.... just giving you guys the story.

Thanks!
Giraffe

My advice is going to be the same as the advice you�re going to get from everyone else.

You need to expose this affair. That means that you don�t let her keep her dirty little secret anymore. Exposure is crucial to ending the affair and saving your marriage if it is salvageable.

Start with OMW. Odds are very high that the affair was a contributor to the demise of their marriage. OM are very good at exaggerating the status of the demise of their marriages when the OMW is often in the dark that the OM is having an affair.

Then tell your kids. That will put a HUGE amount of pressure on the affair because the kids will stand their ground and let her know that OM will never be welcome in their homes or around them. I tell you this because that is exactly what happened to my father with myself and my siblings. OW was never welcome near us and that isolation was a contributor to the end of this affairage.

Tell her family.

Exposure works. It brings the secret affair into the light and puts pressure on the affairees to end it.

It will cause her to be pi$$ed beyond belief. She will threaten you and say that you just ruined any chance you had to save the marriage.

This is normal, predictable, and expected. The best reaction to that is no reaction. It�s like being told that it�s raining outside. You expected it.

But you have NO chance to save your marriage so long as you protect her secret. Protecting the secret is enabling.

Don�t threaten exposure. Don�t warn her its coming. Just do it.

Everyone who is a veteran here will tell you that exposure is your first step in ending the affair. Anything else is pointless until exposure takes place.

Thanks helpthelostdads,

I have thought about telling her mom. Her mom knows that she left and came back but just thinks she is struggling with the financial issues we've had over the years or that she is trying to figure out who she is, etc. I have also thought about telling the OMXW, which as I mentioned is a long time friend of my wife. In fact, when I first confronted my wife, one of the things she asked was if I had told the OMW and if so, what she said. I didn't tell her because I am trying to protect the kids, ours and theirs (we have four, they have two).

You mention to tell our kids, but I don't know about that. I agree that it would probably put a lot of pressure on her, but I am concerned about upsetting them too much. And I don't want them to hate their mother. And even though our kids are older I think it will still be a struggle and OM kids are young so it really concerns me.

Thanks!
Giraffe

Giraffe, welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here. What your wife needs is for you to stand up for your marriage. Waiting on the sidelines while she self destructs and your marriage erodes is a complacent approach that reflects a lack of caring. I don't think that is the approach you want to take.

The solution is to kill the affair if you want to save your marriage. And how do you do that? You start by exposing the affair to everyone and running the OM off. Exposure is the most powerful weapon there is to save a marriage. There is nothing more powerful. The OM is a coward who will run at the first sign of trouble. By allowing him to assault your marriage, he believes you will do nothing to stop him. And so far he is right!

Affairs thrive on secrecy, so helping them hide the secret is ENABLING the affair. As Dr Harley says, it is very hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler. Exposing the affair is like bringing in a crowd of people to the crack house to watch the crack heads get high. It is no fun to get high when everyone is watching.

Here is what Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, says about exposure: radio clip of Dr Harley speaking to betrayed husband

here

So, that is where is I would start. I would execute a very strategic exposure all on the same day to generate a tsunami effect. WITHOUT WARNING. Do not warn your wife in advance. Once your exposure is done, I would DEMAND that your wife end all contact with loser boy. Additionally, you will want to pay a personal visit to this loser [with your sons or some very big friends] and tell him the affair is over. Make his life a holy hell. He should hear from you every time he tries to seek her out.

A good exposure strategy would be to expose to your sons and your family members. Tell them all about the affair and encourage them to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair.

Other critical exposures will be to the OM's family and friends. If you expose to them, then he won't be able to introduce her to his family. It would be GREAT if your MIL or FIL could call the OM and his parents on your behalf.

I would expose the affair on the OM's facebook page, too. Copy and paste all his contacts into a WORD doc and send his contacts a private message. Here are some sample letters we have used. facebook exposures

You are clearly enabling the affair, my friend. By keeping their secret, you are aiding and abetting the destruction of 2 marriages. How does that "protect" your children? The OMW will not appreciate that you did this to her. OR HER CHILDREN. You have harmed her family, including her children and yours by helping them carry on this affair.

You are NOT protecting her kids or yours by enabling this affair.

This affair probably could have been killed a long time ago if you would have exposed it. It is your best chance now, but it will not be as effective because you covered up this affair for so long.

Hi MelodyLane,

Thanks for the welcome note, I'm sorry I'm here too

I have thought about exposure. I have been seeing a social worker and she said it's not good to tell the kids, and that they aren't stupid and they'll figure it out. But I feel they will, however, that won't happen until we're divorced and they see that Mom is dating the OM, which we all know him and his kids etc. I admit I really struggle with telling the kids.

I can't figure out why she came back, but then didn't end the affair. Is it because I am making it too easy for her? She actually told me that when I first confronted her. I guess she was expected a bunch of yelling and then kicking her out etc. But I didn't feel that way. Of course I am hurt and feel betrayed, angry etc but don't see how making a scene is a good thing and felt it would just bring them closer. However, I think now by not putting my foot down it is just enabling the affair.

Thanks again!

Yes, affairs upset kids. So do lies about the source of the tension in their home. Lying to your kids about the source of tension in their home makes them insecure, confused, and most of all, teaches them to be DISHONEST. Kids are not little idiots who cannot handle truth. Children are not made happy or secure by telling them lies and feeding them illusions about their parents.

Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, on telling the children:

here



here

here

G6,

Ok, so you're going to be one of those BH's. You'll make every excuse in the book for not exposing.

Your kids are older. They aren't little ones that need protecting. They know their family is falling apart. They don't fully understand why.

I can tell you as a man who went through this with his parents when he was 25 that the truth is nothing to be ashamed of.

No, your kids won't hate their mom. They will take out their hate on OM. But they will certainly be upset at their mom and will pressure her to end it.

Now, you want to save your marriage and you just explained to us that you will simply continue to endable her affair.

The affair will continue so long as you are the good little boy who sits quitely on the side and follows the plan of "hope". Hope won't get you anywhere. Hope will get you divorced. Hope will let your WW screw the other man without any pressure from anyone to end it.

Hope will allow your WW to introduce OM to the kids as her new boyfriend once she gets her divorce official.

So all you're doing by failing to expose is that you are enabling her affair.

We sound harsh in our advice to you, but it is inteded to wake you up.

So wake up. Stop enabling. Grow a set and expose because that is the only thing that will lead to the end of the affair.

In fairness, I have only known about the affair since August. it has been going on for two years but I just confronted them in August. And the OMW left him a few years ago, their divorce might even be final. I do feel I should tell her, so I agree that she might be upset that I have known since August and didn't tell her. I have thought about that a lot, actually. Again, I mentioned that to the therapist and she said it depends on my intentions. If I just want her to know the information that's good, but if I am telling her so that she can do the dirty work of exposing them etc. that's probably not a good idea. I guess that made sense to me.

If they were still married I truly believe I would have told her already.

Ugh.... I agree with you.... I am just confused!

I would not take advice from someone who is unqualified to counsel you about infidelity and does not employ basic common sense. This social worker is giving you dreadful advice. Telling you to lie to your children is just plain bad advice. And expecting them to "figure it out on their own" is gross dereliction of duty. Whose job is it to guide them through life and give them moral guidance? It is YOURS, Sir. It is not up to them to "figure it out on their own."


It is because the OM won't leave his wife for her. And you could force this to a head by exposing it. He would dump your wife in a second if his wife and parents all knew about the afafir.

helpthelostdads,

Wow, great honesty! I admit it was shocking and refreshing all at once. I am not trying to be one of those guys. I am just confused and trying to talk/figure this out. I am not opposed to exposure, I'm just affraid of hurting the kids. I do agree with you that not telling them the truth can also be harmful. I also agree that I don't like allowing them to think Mom just needs some time and space and she'll be back, etc.

Thanks (to you and MelodyLane) for the wake up call.... I mean that!

Again, more bad advice. Your intentions are irrelevant. What matters is that everyone concerned knows about the affair.


That is a GREAT IDEA. Exposure is not "dirty work;" it is shining the light on the dirty secret. It is "dirty work" to have an affair and hide it. Exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer. Moss does not grow well in sunlight.

Again, your therapist is clearly not experienced or qualified to help you with infidelity.

You are confused because you are taking advice from a therapist who knows nothing about infidelity. Dr Harley, on the other hand, is a clinical psychologist who has SPECIALIZED in infidelity for 40 years. He is completely different in his tactics. While there are no guarantees, I will just tell you that many of us have saved our marriages using these tactics. When you ask those of us in recovered marriages how we saved our marriages, it is due to EXPOSURE.

MelodyLane,
Actually the OM's wife left him a few years ago. I thnk they are actually divorced by now. But I still think that her knowing would put pressure on him. But I agree that exposing my wife to her/our family would put a lot of pressure on her.... why do I not want to do that?!?! I want her to end the affair and I want her back.

Thanks MelodyLane and helpthelostdads,

I am surprised by the brutal honesty I am getting, but I agree it's what I need to hear. I don't need a hug, I need a kick in the pants.... thanks! It's tough to find out the person you have spent the past 25 years with, raising four kids, etc is doing this.

Most counselors will give you horrendous advice. I had one that told me to go along with my WW's desires since it was a phaze and she would eventually come back.

Know what it got me? Divorced. She latched on to the advice and used it to get me to agree to her desires with the idea that if things were amicable that we wouldn't have damage to our relationship and we'd be back together.

I fell for it.

On the opposite end I had MB, which was advising me to do what didn't feel natural and even felt wrong. I didn't listen.

In hindsight, I wish I had grown a pair mainly so I wouldn't look back in shame at how much of a doormat I allowed myself to become.

Expose. It will be the best thing you can do to end the affair.

Expose to her mom first. Then call your kids. Then tell the ex.

Tell her siblings and close friends as well.

Let them all know that you want to save your marriage but that you need their support.

Then brace yourself. The storm of anger that will come your way will have you second guessing exposure.

It's predictable and part of the script.

Why do you not want to do that? Because it is scary!! No one wants to do that. Your wife will be FURIOUS! She will threaten you and rant and rave and may possibly even leave for a while. But she will calm down and come back. There is no future in her affair and she knows that.

Exposing it will force her off the fence by bursting the FANTASY.

Once you expose the affair, you will be AMAZED at how EMPOWERED you suddenly you feel. You will be taking back control of your life. This is your BEST CHANCE of saving your marriage, my friend.

None of us wanted to do it. But once we did it, we were SO GLAD WE DID!!

man, I DO feel like a doormat at times.... and I certainly feel like I need to grow a pair. I love her and feel I would fight for her.... but I also realize I'm not doing that! I am just standing on the sidelines waiting it out.... what have I been thinking.

With the holidays coming what do you suggest? Is this something I should do over the holidays, now or after? Three of our four are away but everyone will be home for Thanksgiving.... should I have them do this over the phone before hand so we can begin healing over Thanksgiving or wait until turkey day to drop it on her? Just trying to make a plan.... Her mom is local and will be over, but her dad lives out of state.

Giraffe, I would also caution you against doing a trickle exposure. That means exposing to 1 or 2 people. What that does is do just enough to infuriate the affairees but it is not enough to kill the affair. The result is your WW comes after you with RENEWED hostility, which just wears you down faster.

So, do it right or don't do it at all. In your case, I predict exposure has about a 50/50 chance of killing this affair. If all family members on both sides [OM and your WW] know about the affair, there will be no future here.

Do it now, before the holidays. She will feel the massive pressure. No need to sit and pretend all is well when it isn't.

My mother exposed my father's affair before Thanksgiving and he was all wheepy and whiny for Thanksgiving.

But it was the final straw for all of us. We had forigven him once and weren't willing to forgive again.

But your situation is different. The kids supsect, but they don't know.

So expose. Start with the order I gave you. Make the calls.

Do it now. Today. Right after reading this message. Don't apologize for exposing the truth and NEVER apologize for exposing.

Do it. Nike. Just do it.

Get going.